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Thread: We started as an affair- how long to wait?!

  1. #1
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    We started as an affair- how long to wait?!

    Met a guy 6 months ago when we were both having problems in our marriages. My husband & I are now actively going through divorce, & I had a baby in the meantime. His situation is that his relationship w/his wife is like nonexistent (sleeping in different rooms, live on opposite coasts, etc) but they've stayed together for their sons, who are at an age to understand, but he says ultimately he knows the marriage is going to end. He says things are unfolding so positively with us and will end up the way theyíre meant to.

    What our "relationship" is like: we see each other almost every single day when he's not in California (where his wife & sons live). He didn't back away when I got super pregnant or after I delivered. He always encourages me to bring my daughter when we hang out. He will call me immediately if I text that Iím having some kind of problem (work, baby-related, etc) and spend time talking it out w/me. He is always, always the one to make plans, including a day trip to a beach a few hours away this weekend. We only started having sex very recently. Itís amazing but he continues to ask me out on dates instead of letting that be the focus.

    I don't want to be the girl giving an ultimatum, but I feel at some point this has to be defined. He says I am the only person with whom he has a romantic relationship & the only person heíd even be interested in. What do I do? It is a HUGE deal to leave his wife after 10+ years when itíd upset his boys at a formative age so much. They hardly even see each other.

    Itís just been a really long time (1/2 a year) of us talking daily and going out lots of places, before we ever started sleeping together, for me to believe that he doesnít care about me and isnít considering leaving a bad marriage situation. But I also know that itís no small thing to do so Iím just trying to figure out how long is reasonable to actually expect him to uproot his whole life for me. When I Talk about dating other people he gets upset. Iíll say he has no room to talk when heís still married, and he says they are married only as a business arrangement & for access to the kids.

  2. #2
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    Hello again...?

    1/2 a year isn't a really long time and your divorce is not final and you have a newborn? Stop spending your time on this?

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    My question wasnít whether I think the person is worth it, but how long is reasonable before starting to date other people. Bc he gets bothered when I mention that bc he said Iím the only person He's in a romantic relationship with.

  4. #4
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    What didn't you like about the responses your got in your nearly identical thread last month?

    [Register to see the link]

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    What didn't you like about the responses your got in your nearly identical thread last month?

    [Register to see the link]
    People were just giving opinions on whether we would end up
    Together. I just wanted to know how long seems reasonable before expecting him to do the huge life changing thing of ending a long marriage.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gb83
    My question wasnít whether I think the person is worth it, but how long is reasonable before starting to date other people. Bc he gets bothered when I mention that bc he said Iím the only person He's in a romantic relationship with.
    Can you say double standard? He goes home and plays house with this family, yet gets upset at the thought you might date others? If he was any kind of respectful person he would have ended his marriage before he got involved. .but seeing that didn't happen, he should free you to the extent that he is, to come and go and live a life separate from him, just as he does. Keeping you in a box on his terms is selfish.

    You don't want to upset the kids, but you do so at your expense. That's not being generous. It's called being a martyr.
    You give an ultimatum for you. The kids being upset is 100% his cross to bear, not yours. He should have considered that before he created another family unit on a different coast.

    You conveniently use this as an excuse to not upset anything. Why doesn't he upset things? Because what he's doing works for him and you've taught him you'll tolerate it.

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    Time has no meaning.

    He wants to keep the arrangement as is.

    You want more and are considering dating other people because you aren't actually happy in this situation.

    But you are moving quite fast away from the divorce and the baby that underlies you may be trying to date as a way to feel better about other things that are going on inside you.

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    Ok. So is it reasonable to ask him if he actually has any intention of getting separated and in what time frame and then saying Iíll have no choice but to move on if that time comes & goes?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gb83
    Ok. So is it reasonable to ask him if he actually has any intention of getting separated and in what time frame and then saying Iíll have no choice but to move on if that time comes & goes?
    Do you really think he's going to tell you he's staying with his wife? He's already told you he's leaving `soon'. I'll bet my paycheck you'll hear more of the same. Soon has come and gone. But if you need to confirm it, I agree with pinning him to an end date. If he can't keep the date, you are moving on.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Gb83
    People were just giving opinions on whether we would end up
    Together. I just wanted to know how long seems reasonable before expecting him to do the huge life changing thing of ending a long marriage.
    A heck of a lot longer than the 6 months you've been talking. If you feel like that is "a really long time", you ain't seen nothing yet.

    The chances that he's actually going to leave his marriage for you are extremely slim. You need to recognize that first. And if does end up leaving, it probably won't be done and truly over with for at least a couple years. Minimum. He would have to deal with the emotional and logistical fall-out of actually telling her he's leaving, going through the separation and moving out process, filing for divorce, establishing custody and so on. This is all assuming he doesn't try to work things out with his wife sometime in there, which often happens when D-Day finally arrives.

    He's saying all kinds of pretty things to you now because affairs thrive in fantasy and secrecy and the thrill of the forbidden. It's fun because it isn't a real relationship. Don't be surprised if he totally changes his tune with you if the affair is discovered, or if he manages to end his marriage without his wife ever finding out. The majority of affairs don't turn into long-term relationships, because once the excitement and thrill is gone, the cheater frequently loses interest too. Remember that as you continue to put yourself on hold for this guy.

    As for how long you should wait? Well, you shouldn't wait at all. You should move on now. But since you aren't planning to do so, understand that it will be a long wait.

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