Not sure his heart is fully with me.

[intrinsic76]

Hi guys,

Im new here. I need to share something and hopefully get some feedback.

Im currently out of state with my boyfriend who is recovering from major surgery. Im staying with him at the hospital until Monday then will be heading back home while he continues to recover.

My boyfriend is a very social man. He owns a few business and is very involved in our community. I am a mom and outside of work, I am primarily at home with my kids. I put a lot of trust in him and never ask him who he's with, what he's doing, etc. We often don't even talk at night. I appreciate the space we give each other. I have the weekends off and spend them with him. We have been dating for a year and a half and we have a very strong relationship. Or so I thought.

He had asked me to get on his phone for him and send a message. While I was doing that, another message came in that said, "I can't wait to see you again" or something to that effect. It was from the woman he broke up with right before me. The woman who broke his heart. The woman who only four months ago we ran in to and seemed upset for the rest of the day. I asked him about the text. He said they had met a couple times and he was going to tell me about it. I told him I was not comfortable with them meeting and that having a "friendship" was that important to him, I would feel better if I could meet her. As much as I don't want to spend time with her, I thought whether or not we could all hang out would be a good indication of whether their intentions were truly friendly. He told me he suggested we all get together after surgery. He also told me that he respects my feelings and is not that eager to spend time with her. I had a feeling he would not be so eager to hang out if I were there and I think I was right. I tried to put it aside and move on.

Well, as he was zonked out in his bed and I sat in the chair next to him, my worries got the best of me. I felt the need for reassurance. I looked at his phone. Please spare me the lecture. I know it was wrong.

His text did not suggest we all get together. He just said he'd be in touch when he gets back. I went back further and found he had been reaching out to her frequently. Nothing too flirtatious, but clearly wanting her attention. I also found that two months after we decided we were exclusive, he was still having her over to his house.

I really felt we had a strong, honest relationship. I have loved him for it. I am so afraid now that I will have a hard time trusting him and that our relationship will suffer. I want to trust him. I love him dearly. But I also fee betrayed. I know I can't mention it while he is recovering from his surgery. I fully intend on continuing to take care of him and not show that Im upset. I think it's actually good that I can't react. It's always a good thing to think it over.

I also want to add that I know he loves me deeply. I think he is just is having a hard time letting her go. She did him wrong in the end. He would be a fool to ruin what we have for her and I think he knows that.

Thoughts?

[ThatwasThen]

I can't talk for you but I question his character if he's still talking to an ex girlfriend that "broke his heart." Most wouldn't want anything else to do with her, certainly not see her or accept messages saying "I can't wait to see you again."They would at least tell their current about the communication and not just say they were going to tell you about it after the communication was discovered.

Did you ask him why he has a need to continue seeing someone that thought so little of him that she broke his heart? How did she break his heart?

[limichelle]

It sounds to me he still carries a flame for her if he didn’t he would have cut off all ties. I feel what he’s doing is disrespectful to you and unfair. It’s emotional cheating in my book since he doesn’t sound over her. He will probably deny he’s not over her to you but actions speak louder then words.

[intrinsic76]

Thanks ThatwasThen. I did ask why he wanted to be her friend. He said he turned a corner and has forgiven her. That he is not interested in her romantically and just wants to be her friend. He also stressed that he doesn't want to loose me and can let her go if it makes me uncomfortable. I want to trust he will do that but am not sure how I can do that.

[Hollyj]

Sorry, but he is still in love with her. Plus, he is a liar.

I would end it. He has no intention of letting her go. You would have never have found out, if you hadn't seen the message.

[bluecastle]

First off, let me just say that your post speaks volumes for your character.

He's a lucky guy and your children are lucky to have you as mother—not that you need me to tell you that. You already know, and that's powerful stuff. Even during such a fraught emotional moment you're able to see everything pretty clearly. Regardless of what happens, you understand that his communication with her is not a verdict on you, your worth, or even the connection you share—but some unresolved feelings and weak character of his.

But, alas, what to do about all that?

Everyone has a different threshold for this stuff, and yours seems pretty high. What I'd say is wait until he's out of the hospital bed, a bit more himself, and have a talk. Put it all out there: that in your spins you looked at his phone, something you're not proud of, and not a path you want to go down ever again.

But you saw what you saw, and you're troubled that he didn't suggest meeting up the three of you, like he said. Explain that while you can understand it all emotionally, this isn't the sort of dynamic you can see yourself further engaging in, since it jeopardizes, and has already jeopardized, what you guys are building. Stress that you want to trust him, and repair the piece of trust that's broken, but that you can't do that while also making room for this new friendship.

And then you see how he responds.

If he's defensive, if he makes the case for the friendship—well, then you know this little character weakness isn't something you want to indulge further. If he listens and hears you—well, then you see if you can ease back into things, let those little dents in the trust smooth over, and perhaps become closer in the process. And, of course, if along the way—should it go down that path—you find you just can't get back to feeling it and trusting him like you need to, then you just need to be honest with yourself, and him, about that.

Also, just to add: There is no shame, and no weakness, in deciding that you can't do any of that. If you struck me as less emotionally strong in your post, I'd probably have led with that, even encouraged it. But you strike me as someone who can think clearly while feeling some big, hard feelings.

[intrinsic76]

Thank you so much bluecastle.

[ThatwasThen]

Thanks ThatwasThen. I did ask why he wanted to be her friend. He said he turned a corner and has forgiven her. That he is not interested in her romantically and just wants to be her friend. He also stressed that he doesn't want to loose me and can let her go if it makes me uncomfortable. I want to trust he will do that but am not sure how I can do that.

I think that he has given you all you need to know that he is committed to you and is putting you above her. I would give him the opportunity to show you that he can match his words with actions. If he doesn't, well then you will be more confident in making a decision about your future with out him if that is what it comes to.

Good luck, don't be afraid to let him know what you need in order to continue on with him.

[intrinsic76]

What a long night. Im feeling very emotionally pulled in many directions. This is such an intimate thing we are going through right now at the hospital. And not being able to express what Im feeling is very hard. I'm going to take some time today to write everything down that I was to say to him. I'll take advantage of this time I have and work through the words with care. Maybe I can find some relief that way.

[intrinsic76]

Welp, that didn't work. Might have even made it worse. This really sucks. I want answers but I would be a total p.o.s. to bring this up now while he's in recovery. It's hard for me to know what to feel when I look at him. Im not good at shutting these things off. I need to clear my head. I wish this hospital had a bar.