We started as an affair- how long to wait?!

[saluk]

Ok. So is it reasonable to ask him if he actually has any intention of getting separated and in what time frame and then saying I’ll have no choice but to move on if that time comes & goes?

It's reasonable to tell him in no uncertain terms what you really are looking for, and saying buh bye if he can't meet those expectations.

[Gb83]

A heck of a lot longer than the 6 months you've been talking. If you feel like that is "a really long time", you ain't seen nothing yet.

The chances that he's actually going to leave his marriage for you are extremely slim. You need to recognize that first. And if does end up leaving, it probably won't be done and truly over with for at least a couple years. Minimum. He would have to deal with the emotional and logistical fall-out of actually telling her he's leaving, going through the separation and moving out process, filing for divorce, establishing custody and so on. This is all assuming he doesn't try to work things out with his wife sometime in there, which often happens when D-Day finally arrives.

Hm. This is what I’m getting at. Would I move on if a boyfriend wasn’t ready to talk marriage (let alone actually propose) after 6 months? No. You just go by the possibility that he may want those things someday. And any time I ask this guy if he could see us actually being together & him divorced it’s a yes. So to me it seems half fair to date others in meantime, but half not because if there’s no one I’d prefer to be with right now, then why aren’t I taking any leap of faith?

[katrina1980]

People were just giving opinions on whether we would end up
Together. I just wanted to know how long seems reasonable before expecting him to do the huge life changing thing of ending a long marriage.

I don't think a woman (the "other" woman) should ever expect her married lover to end his marriage.

If he does, and wants to move forward with you once divorce is final, great. But don't expect it, because the chances of it ever happening are pretty slim, no matter what he's "telling" you.

And confronting him about it? You may as well kiss your affair goodbye once you start doing that.

If you're unhappy with the current state of affairs (no pun intended), then end the affair.

[SherrySher]

He has his wife and his children, if he ever changes his mind and still wants her and his family. And he has you on the line.

You're divorcing and will be fully available to him with no worries of other men around as you seem to be at his beck and call.

Why would he ever change any of it?

I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but if this man was serious at all he would be in the middle of divorce proceedings right now.

He's all talk but no action and if you were to push it, I think he'd tell you goodbye.

[Jibralta]

Do you really think he's going to tell you he's staying with his wife? He's already told you he's leaving `soon'. I'll bet my paycheck you'll hear more of the same. Soon has come and gone. But if you need to confirm it, I agree with pinning him to an end date. If he can't keep the date, you are moving on.

Yupper. He'll never admit that he plans to stay with his wife. He will only deny it. Why? Because it's easy. As long as he keeps saying he's going to leave her, you'll keep hanging around. So, you'd better set a deadline, and you'd better get ready to move on.

[Gb83]

Yupper. He'll never admit that he plans to stay with his wife. He will only deny it. Why? Because it's easy. As long as he keeps saying he's going to leave her, you'll keep hanging around. So, you'd better set a deadline, and you'd better get ready to move on.

Well I agree. But it seems unrealistic to have a “deadline” now or anytime within, like, the first year because you certainly wouldn’t have that deadline for a boyfriend to want to propose or get married. Leaving family is a serious step like those. I mean, I got divorced somewhat for him... it can be done

[jimthzz]

Life events muddied by unseemly acts rarely turn out well. You are expecting a baby, presumably with your unsuspecting husband--divorcing or not. Plus there are other children involved. No thought to his wife either, eh?

If I were to suggest anything it would be stop this nonsense, expect nothing more than negativity by being involved with this man.

Take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, "am I doing right by me and my family by continuing this affair?"

If you conclude that you are not? Start living a good life that nurtures your family.

If you must have romance in your life, then wait until after the baby is born and get individual counseling to sharpen your moral fiber and ability to choose wisely.

Stay away from this guy or any other married man.

[MissCanuck]

Hm. This is what I’m getting at. Would I move on if a boyfriend wasn’t ready to talk marriage (let alone actually propose) after 6 months? No. You just go by the possibility that he may want those things someday. And any time I ask this guy if he could see us actually being together & him divorced it’s a yes. So to me it seems half fair to date others in meantime, but half not because if there’s no one I’d prefer to be with right now, then why aren’t I taking any leap of faith?

This is an extremely flawed comparison. I would assume that the boyfriend in your scenario wouldn't already have a wife. The "boyfriend" in this situation isn't even available to date you in any real sense, let alone contemplate marriage. You are attempting to draw parallels between two vastly different situations.

You have to stop naively assuming everything this guy tells you is true, too. There is no way for you to know what life is like at home with his wife. No way for you to know if he's truly in such a dead marriage. As such, you cannot take him seriously when he says he sees you in his future. He will tell people what they want to hear. That's how he's managed to keep this all a secret. He tells his wife whatever he needs to say to hide this. You are fooling yourself if you believe he's not doing the same to you.

Go ahead and give him an expiration date if you wish. But be prepared to walk away when he doesn't budge on ending his marriage. It is unlikely he'll give it all up for a long-distance woman with a little baby who he's only known for 6 months.

[SherrySher]

But it's easy for you to use the excuse 'that if it were a boyfriend you wouldn't be expecting a deadline.' because I think on some level you know he's not serious about you...at least not to that degree.

No doubt he enjoys spending time with you but he's not interested in giving you an actual commitment.

He likes having his wife in the picture and you on the side.

You and he aren't dating...you're having an affair. What happened between you was cheating. If there was anything more to it than that, he'd be divorcing too.

I can't see it happening. You can wait but I think you're kidding yourself.

[Jibralta]

Well I agree. But it seems unrealistic to have a “deadline” now or anytime within, like, the first year because you certainly wouldn’t have that deadline for a boyfriend to want to propose or get married.

But this isn't that sort of situation. This is a deadline for you to be able to move on with your life. If you stay with him, you're always going to have to tack an additional two years (at least) onto any timeline you have for your plans because he is married and therefore encumbered.