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Thread: Giving it a second chance

  1. #1
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    Giving it a second chance

    My Gf and I broke up three weeks ago. We’d dated for 8 months. We had an honest conversation with each other and she stated she felt like something was missing. She felt like she should be further along and feels like she’s holding something back, however she doesn’t know what it is. We had a lot of things planned this summer and she also felt that she had to end things now before we made those commitments. She told me I made her so happy and she always had a great time with me. She said she hates herself for having to make this decision but she wants me to find someone who is all in, and not settle for someone who is on the fence

    She started a new job in April and has been busier than ever. We went from seeing each other 3-4 times a week to once or twice on the weekends. This is when everything started to change. Although we still had a great time whenever we saw each other, I could tell she was more stressed out and was becoming more distant. We’d talked about this at the time but she said she was just busy and working to catch up with everything new going on.

    Despite this, the breakup was absolutely crushing for me and I’m still having trouble understanding it. In March, we were still deeply in love and had plans of getting a place together when my lease expired in July. We have common goals and dreams, similar interests, and seem to be very compatible. We both love each other’s families and like I said, just seem meant to be together.

    I asked if she’d like to have some space or even slow things down as it seemed her stressors were causing her feelings to change. I told her I’m not worried about long-term commitments or deadlines, as long as we both enjoyed each other’s company that this could lead to her feelings coming around. She declined though, stating she doesn’t feel it would help. Part of me is angry that she won’t consider giving this a shot, as she even stated she was perfectly happy just two months ago. I don’t want two bad months to end our relationship. I really felt the things we had planned this summer would get us back on track. I’ve just been so lost without her and wish she’d give us another chance.

    For now I’ve stopped any urge to contact her and know that some space between us is the only way she’ll ever miss me. My question is though, at what point do I reinitiate things? Her Birthday is in July, and I thought maybe by then I can reach out to her and wish her a Happy Birthday and see if she’d like to get together. I just want to be with her and reinvigorate the feelings she had for me not so long ago.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I don't think you can re-initiate this. You need to accept the fact that it's over. I doubt that she was perfectly happy two months ago; she was probably trying to convince herself that she was. This isn't something that happened overnight, and no one is to blame.

    It's very common for someone to start feeling unfulfilled in a relationship, and no doubt it was hard for her to break up because she cares for you a great deal and doesn't want to hurt you. But she also doesn't want to be in a relationship that isn't right for her.

    You can wish her a happy birthday in July if you want, but prepare for her to either be involved with someone else or to reject any offer to get together.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    The person that decides to end a relationship has been contemplating it for a long time. Even when things seem good on the front end, there is a lot of consideration going on in the back ground.
    This wasn't an impulsive decision for her.

    The mere fact that she she shared she wanted to let you go so you could find someone who is all in suggests that she is entirely done and is willing to lose you.

    I am sorry. To answer your question, there isn't a time to reconnect. It's time to move on. In the off chance she changes her mind, she'll do the initiating, not you. In the meantime work on closing this chapter and taking care of yourself.

  4. #4
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    I dont want to sound negative, but what makes you think that the thing that was missing before is no longer missing?

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  6. #5
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    I don't think you'll be able to revive feelings that apparently didn't last past the honeymoon period for her, OP.

    It sounds like she got carried away making a lot of future plans so soon into a new relationship, and realized once the initial thrill wore off that she just doesn't have the depth of feelings to see those plans through. Work stress likely wouldn't have been enough to kill the relationship if she was as truly invested as you believed she was. It simply magnified a problem that was already niggling inside her mind. I know it hurts, but she can't help her feelings. Just as you can't help but want to reconnect, she can't help but feel she needed to set you free.

    If anyone re-initiates things, it needs to be her. Know that wishing her a happy birthday is likely not going to yield the results you hope for, unfortunately.

  7. #6
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    I can't guarantee what's missing now will be there later, simply because it sounds like neither of us know for sure what's missing. I do think I pushed her away at times through clinginess and may have been a little too available. I also think we got into too much of a routine and got bored by doing the same things. Thats why I really wish she'd consider giving this a little more time. I feel some positive changes could spark this back up, and if not at least we'd both know for sure we tried everything we could. I by no means want to force her into a relationship with me, but think I can get her back to feeling the way she did for me before.

  8. #7
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    I hate to say this... but I would place my money on there being some cute guy at work that she’s crushing on.

    It’s just odd to me that the timing matched.
    It’s odd that she went from “let’s move in together” to “let’s breakup” in such a short time.
    It’s odd to me that she didn’t want to put in any effort.

    And... “there is something missing” is pretty vague.

    I honestly think that if you reach out on her birthday, you will find she’s dating a coworker.


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