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Thread: Thoughts on a confusing situation

  1. #1

    Thoughts on a confusing situation

    3 years ago I started having an affair with an ex girlfriend while I was married. I know not a good look. Me and my wife got divorced but I kept vacillating between the two of them. I never really had closure with my ex wife even though we got divorced. I cared for her since she is the mother of my kids but I love my girlfriend too. Iím guessing itís a common thing in that situation to have feelings for both. Also I donít condone what I did by doing this and being a ty human. For multiple years this pattern of me not fully committing went on. I moved to the new state for 3 months this year to be with my girlfriend but decided I needed to be closer to my kids and came back. Right after I got back, about 2 mo ago, we ended up breaking up. My girlfriend is the one I love but feel like I never fully committed because I never completely got to a place of closure with the ex wife. I know it sounds weird.
    2 weeks ago my now exgirlfriend and I were talking about trying again. She was supposed to call and didnít one night, we texted that night but never had that conversation. 2 days later we had another lengthy text conversation where she said she felt love, hope, and hurt from the conversation. I gave her a few days without contact and then we had a few days of spotty contact.
    She just told me she started dating someone new in the last week hence spotty contact since our last longer text conversation. We dated 3 years, again that started from an affair, it was off and on sometimes due to distance and circumstances. We also had a relationship when we were younger. Im confused how we go from her loving me, thinking about reconciliation, and in her words being her best friend to dating someone she just met. Is it a rebound? Is it a way to break the cycle?
    I decided Iím just going with no contact and work on myself. Deal with the issues that led to the break up and better myself. I do wonder what the chances of her trying to come back though. I know we love each other I think she just needed to do something different to break the cycle.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I never fully committed because I never completely got to a place of closure with the ex wife. I know it sounds weird.
    - You were on the rebound - which means you were not over the wife. The only real closure is time - it takes time to heal.


    About your girlfriend - when she goes back and forth between loving you and not loving you, your girlfriend's love level is low, on the line. She's probably just weening herself off you, sometimes love dies slow.....and her love is dying, it's probably just a matter of time.

    I would find a new girlfriend. Even if you aren't ready, it will make you feel better, it's good therapy.

    And stop cheating.

    Someday you'll be ready to love a new lady again. But you can't go back to the old.. unlike Hollywood movies, people rarely get back together happily - you need to start with a clean slate.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    I'm confused about why you're confused. The relationship was an affair. You had a wife you were cheating on. This woman had no reason to remain faithful to you through the process, if she even did.

    You made it seem like you were finally going to commit to her so she probably went all in emotionally. Then, you did what apparently you've been doing for three years, and backed out, using your kids as an out. I mean really, dude. This whole post reeks of you downgrading the horrible things you have done to your family and this woman.

    My guess is, your ex-mistress decided enough was enough and that it was time for her to find someone who would actually commit 100%. Though I think she is also seriously at fault in this situation, I'm happy she got out and is moving on with her life. Leave her alone and consider seeking therapy.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Leave both women alone...and focus on being a good dad. Apparently relationships arenít your strong suit.

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  6. #5
    Starting therapy today. I donít downgrade what I did. I was a crappy person. I donít discount that at all.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it sounds like you lost both of them from the indecision. Focus on the kids and therapy for a while.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by confused4lif
    Starting therapy today. I donít downgrade what I did. I was a crappy person. I donít discount that at all.
    If you recognized the weight of your choices, you wouldn't be on a forum looking for reassurances that this woman will come back. At least be honest with yourself that the only reason you even feel bad is because the situation is now adversely affecting you.


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