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Thread: Asexual and being in love with a heterosexual male

  1. #1
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    Asexual and being in love with a heterosexual male

    Hi everyone, I feel like Iím in a tough spot. I think Iím in love. Something I donít experience often.

    Iím a guy nearing my 30s who is still uncertain about his sexuality. I think I could be classified as an asexual because I donít have a desire for sex. Not with women. Not with men. Still, Iíd like to think someday I will find a partner. I dream of having a partner, doing things together, living together, caring for one another and loving each other. Just without sex, but with lots of cuddling, snuggling and perhaps even kissing.

    The thing is, pretty much no one knows about my asexuality. Only two friends are aware of it. Iím sure my parents wouldnít understand it. My father would downright deny its existence, and if I would end up with a guy, Iím pretty sure he would break contact. He despises gays and would see me as gay.

    My asexuality (combined with my insecurities) is probably also the reason why Iíve never been in a relationship. Iíve never really tried hard to get into a relationship. Yes, Iíve been in love before. 6 times even to varying degrees, but the problem is I only fall in love with people Iíve really grown close too. Usually as friends. But in the two cases Iíve found the courage to tell the other I love them, the feeling wasnít reciprocated strengthening my insecurities. In both of the cases Iíve told them, my love interests were women.

    Now for the second time in my life, Iím in love with a guy. It really sucks. Because just like the first guy, Iím 99.9% sure he is a heterosexual guy. Thatís how he identifies himself when we are talking. This guy is a great friend of my whom Iíve grown apart from after high school, but found again a year ago. We get along great, meet often and even went on a holiday together. During this holiday it confirmed my feelings towards him. Heís so nice, caring, a great listener, an intelligent and fun companion whoís hilarious. Someone I can argue with, but easily make up with again.

    He has also never had a relationship. He too doesnít have any experience with sex. Due to family problems it wasnít his priority to get in a relationship, but recently he wanted to start dating. My heart sank when he said that. He sometimes shows me the women he talks with on dating apps, but up until now it never ended up in a date. I notice Iím always so relieved when he says that. The thought of him finding a relationship, or even having sex or falling in love with someone else, is crushing me. I know I keep up a great poker face and support him when heís chatting with a woman.

    Now I feel a desire to tell him how I feel. Tell him about how much I like him. How jealous Iím feeling when heís interested in women. About my asexuality. I mainly want to tell because I dream about that 0.0001% that he would really like me as a partner as well. It would mean everything to me.

    I also fear that it might scare him off. He might feel uneasy with me if he knew I was no heterosexual male. I would really like him as my love, but I donít want to lose him as my friend. I genuinely care about him and want him to be happy with someone. If itís not with me, then with a nice woman. But it honestly would crush me too.

    Should I tell him about my sexuality and how I'm in love with him? I really want to tell him about being in love with him, but does that only hinder him? Would he feel weird about me? I would also really appreciate advice from heterosexual males; how would you react if a male friend is in love with you?

  2. #2
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    I would not tell him. Not only is he heterosexual, but you're asexual. The possibility that he would be happy with you as a romantic partner where he doesn't even get his sexual needs fulfilled I think might be even more improbable than your estimation of it. You have a good friend. Don't ruin that.

  3. #3
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    You have labelled him heterosexual because on a dating app he is looking for women.

    You are interested in both men and women yet donít label yourself as bisexual? Because of your self proclaimed lack of interest in sex.

    Iím confused as to why it would bother you that he might have sex with another? Male or female? If indeed you were truly asexual?

    Iím doubting that you are?

    You claim to have been in love 6 times , this guy being the 6th?
    Were you ever in a relationship with any of the 5 prior?

    My thoughts are that perhaps you donít develop sexual feelings until a romantic relationship is born. But you have yet to experience that?

    My best guess is that you are a romantic bisexual?

    Have you considered going to a professional to discuss this? And is it possible that your fatherís view has obscured yours?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you live with your parents? It sounds like you are fearful of your sexuality. Are you from a culture where being bisexual/gay is taboo? Are you a virgin? Have you ever been physical with either women or men? Or are these mostly crushes?

    Why not get on some LGBT friendly dating sites and explore this further. Your friend most likely won't care that you're bisexual, but coming onto someone you hid your sexuality from is not advised. He's not your therapist and shouldn't be burdened with your sexual confusion.

    It sounds like some therapy to explore sort out and get comfortable with yourself would help you. Also avoid labeling yourself this much.
    Originally Posted by Tuno
    My father would downright deny its existence, and if I would end up with a guy, Iím pretty sure he would break contact. He despises gays and would see me as gay.

    Should I tell him about my sexuality and how I'm in love with him?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    There are a lot of heavy words there and a whole lot of labels. I don't encourage outbursts involving proclamations of love to someone with whom there isn't some mutual understanding or attraction (in other words, you're not dating each other). It's awkward and can make things uncomfortable not only for you but for the other person. Ease up a little. The whole love thing is a little intense for someone you only know as a friend and he seems interested in women.

    I don't think you should keep your feelings to yourself if you're both single though. Find some time to bring it up in person and ask him what he thinks about men dating other men, flirt a little and get to know him more. I think you've skipped a lot of steps labeling yourself and others. Take the time to explore your sexuality for real, with others. Learn from people and learn in your experiences. I'm not saying that you're not asexual at all or doubting you. What I'm asking you to do is live. Don't just talk about it. Live your life and discover things about yourself. You're insecure because you haven't lived enough and there aren't enough experiences for you to look back on and feel confident in yourself.

    Take it easy and get to know each other better. Stop encouraging him with the dating apps or meeting other women if you have feelings for him. Just go for it and if he's open to men dating other men, I think that's a green light. If he looks scared, upset or thinks it's not for him and it's not something he wants to talk about (things get awkward), I'd be frank one step further and be open about being asexual but attracted to men and women (you're all about equal opportunity!). Lighten it up and see what his reaction is.

    You shouldn't be afraid of what you are even though someone else is. You are whatever you are. Love yourself and be proud. If he doesn't like it, let him live his life and you go on living yours. If he really is kind and understanding as you described, I doubt he'd run for the hills either. Life's too short to keep worrying about what everyone thinks about you. Just be considerate and kind back (don't spring any awkward love bombs out of nowhere) and live your life.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I don't think you should vomit your limerence out to him either. Instead, just keep him as your platonic friend and check your infatuation of him out the door. I'ts not romantic love you are feeling it is a crush, infatuation and admiration.

    Why don't you stop falling for your friends and just get yourself on some dating apps and put in your profile that you are bi sexual and see what kinds of pursuit comes your way? I suspect that if you have someone who is actually showing you some romantic interest and is attracted to you in a romantic nature, you'll not be as "asexual" as you think you are. Now, you could be but if you've never had sex and you've never actually been pursued sexualy/romantically how would you really know?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Hi,

    I just want to tell you, if you truly feel you're asexual that is absolutely your right; however, I think sometimes in our society we get into too much of a rush to slap labels on ourselves. Honestly, I'm over it, personally. You love who you love. That's it.

    Well, your dad sounds like a real fun guy. (insert eye roll here.) I wouldn't worry about what he thinks right now. He sounds like the type who would only "approve" if you followed a very strict regimen. That doesn't sound very fulfilling to me.

    So in regards to your friend, I believe that confessing your feelings would be over the top. The first thing you need to do is evaluate your reasoning for wanting to tell him. If it's just because you hope he returns those feelings or has a potential to return those feelings, then you need to back off. If he hasn't even considered the idea that you might not be hetero, then this would be quite a shock. I doubt his reaction would be good. And that would crush you.

    My advice would be that if you want to be close to him - but close as a friend - then you could open up to him about your suspected asexuality or occasionally having feelings for men. However, I feel that if you did so with an ulterior motive, it may strain your friendship and that would be sad. If you want to tell him about your sexuality just so that he can know something else about you (in other words with no ulterior/ selfish motive), then it might work out okay, because you wouldn't be expecting a grand response from him.

    I mean, it's tricky. I understand your feelings are strong and that they are genuine. I know it must be difficult because you haven't had a relationship yet so apparently, being in love is a pretty rare thing for you. Which is why you should be extra careful so as not to scare off a man you really love. I usually don't encourage people to keep their feelings bottled up, but you've mentioned this:


    I also fear that it might scare him off. He might feel uneasy with me if he knew I was no heterosexual male.
    It's worth mentioning that if feels uneasy with you because of this, then maybe he isn't the great person you thought he was?...

    Sorry, just saying. I hope everything works out.

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    This guy is your friend and for whatever reason he has not been in a relationship - social anxiety, fear, a disability he was afraid would scare women off, throwing himself into education or work, and now he is trying to do something about it. It is your job to be supportive, rather than taking advantage of him. You should be cheering him on, not trying to seduce him. Not everyone who is a late bloomer is gay. My guy didn't find someone until later. He always thought he would look for a wife eventually and then said "oh crap, i"m X age, i guess i need to get serious about it". He is involved with hobbies and a career that are male dominated and it was not easy to meet single women and he was not interested in bars. If you cannot support your friend, then you should spend less time with him.

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    It's worth mentioning that if feels uneasy with you because of this, then maybe he isn't the great person you thought he was?...

    Sorry, just saying. I hope everything works out.


    It does not make the friend a bad person! If someone i thought was my friend confessed feelings out of the blue, i would be uncomfortable.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't think you should keep your feelings to yourself if you're both single though. Find some time to bring it up in person and ask him what he thinks about men dating other men,
    My rule of life is that unless someone brings up the fact that they are (whatever sexual preference) do not make assumptions. This man is trying to talk to women on dating apps, so therefore it should be assumed he is heterosexual unless the friend says otherwise. I don't go up to a man hand and hand with another man and think "he's handsome, i wonder if he swings both ways"

    I was a late bloomer, and there was a woman in my younger years who was a classmate who was telling me that if i "didn't like men by now, maybe i wanted to try women" "um...nope" just because i did not have a boyfriend did NOT mean i was not attracted to men. It was just that - i was young and had not had a boyfriend yet.

    If he wants to meet a woman, i would encourage him! If you don't, you are not a friend. Maybe suggest he try to meet women in other ways, but do not look at someone who is unlucky in love and say 'well, what about men..."

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