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Thread: Ex-boyfriend confusion

  1. #1

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    Ex-boyfriend confusion

    I recently (a few months ago) broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. I was his first proper girlfriend and although he wasn't mine, he was certainly my first real love. I think he's an amazing person but can be very immature at times. He hasn't had a job for at least 6 months, doesn't properly take care of himself and became quite distant with me. We stopped having sex and I felt that he just didn't really want to make an effort. I tried to break up with him a few times in final year we were together because we argued all the time and I guess I thought that maybe it would wake him up and get him to put more effort into things. Initially in these arguments he'd become very defensive and refuse to see things from my perspective until I'd get very worked up and emotional and then he'd convince me that he was determined to figure things out. Unfortunately this was always just words rather than action and eventually I made the decision to break it off properly and we went no contact for a few weeks. Since we broke up, nothing much has changed in his life (I know this from his close friends who are also good friends of mine).

    We met up for the first time in about 6 weeks about 10 days ago and he sort of seduced me. Started saying very sexual things and talking about how he felt he'd taken me for granted and not realised how amazing I am. I obviously still have feelings for him so I found this experience quite overwhelming and gave in. We slept together and it was the best sex we had ever had together but I felt quite vulnerable at the end and a little bit irritated that it took us breaking up for this to happen. He has told me that he still loves me, that he can't think of being with anyone else and that he wants to have some kind of relationship with me, but doesn't want to go back to what we had and is very clear about that. He says that although he still feels emotionally committed to me, he doesn't want to literally make any commitments as he thinks he should be alone at this point. He has also in the past brought up the idea of us seeing other people which confuses me because if we are single, that is to be expected and isn't really my business. I don't know what to do. He told me the other day that he sees me in a very sexual way but also thinks I'm "his person". I love him and never wanted to leave him but had to for my own wellbeing because his habits and inability to see the problems in our relationship were making my life very hard. He claims to have changed and to really see things from my perspective now, but I'm scared of letting him in and I also just feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Although I recognise that to some extent I am behaving like that too.

    What should I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ttee
    he doesn't want to literally make any commitments as he thinks he should be alone at this point.
    So let him be alone. Your instincts are on point. Step away before you get sucked in again.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    He wants to be single but still have you when he wants you. Wow. What a catch. I would end all contact with him...hes going nowhere and neither will you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately all he is offering you is fwb because you still fall for him. However all the problems and incompatibilities are still there and hookups won't fix that. Go and stay no contact to clear your head and reflect on what you really want out of a relationship.
    Originally Posted by ttee
    He says that although he still feels emotionally committed to me, he doesn't want to literally make any commitments as he thinks he should be alone at this point.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ttee
    He has told me that he still loves me, that he can't think of being with anyone else and that he wants to have some kind of relationship with me, but doesn't want to go back to what we had and is very clear about that. He says that although he still feels emotionally committed to me, he doesn't want to literally make any commitments as he thinks he should be alone at this point. He has also in the past brought up the idea of us seeing other people
    Unless you can agree to his terms . .casual, seeing other people and having uncommitted sex, then I'd pass.

  7. #6
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    What changes has he made in his life that has you convinced it could work this time? I presume he got a job? Started taking care of himself?


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