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Thread: New Grandma

  1. #1

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    New Grandma

    Hi

    I just need some advice on my current situation. I have been divorced 17 years now so my ex and I are well over the bitterness and each other. We have a good relationship now with our focus purely on our two adult children.

    Our oldest son has just become a parent, our first grandchild and we are both elated. During the pregnancy we bought the nursery furniture between us as we wanted something from grandma and grandad and kept in touch every few weeks when there was scan news or updates from our daughter in law. We never discuss anything other than family news issues.

    He has been with his current GF for around 6 years, so she has only met the boys as adults. The kids pop in for Sunday lunch now and again to see their dad and my mother in law and obviously his GF is there. There has been a few issues when she demanded christmas gifts or felt the gift was not substantial enough. My youngest son and his partner dont engage with this behaviour and ignore it. My oldest is a sweetie and tries a lot more to be accommodating as he doesnt want things difficult for his dad.

    I got on quite well with her until my youngest graduation. We all went out to celebrate my sons birthday and it was mentioned only parents got tickets for the ceremony etc. His university was 400 miles away so required an overnight visit. She erupted over lunch and said she had to go too the ensuing row meant my son refused to go to his own graduation as he wasn't choosing between taking me and leaving his dad out or vice versa. The GF and I havent spoken since.

    When my son announced the pregnancy my ex and I had a chat and I said I was concerned how the GF would be as I knew there would be more contact between us. My Ex reassured me it would be fine, after all and I quote 'she wouldn't want to have a grandmother title, she will be understanding of your position, she is a mum herself and would not want another woman taking a title to her grandchildren, she is not going to cause trouble over a new baby'

    Famous last words... baby born I had seen him once already so when my son said his dad was due up the same visiting as me I offered to come in at the end of visiting briefly so he and the GF could see the baby first on their own. I came in was pleasant friendly etc, my son and daughter in law where relieved all looking good. Then......my Ex shares a post on FB just saying the baby had been born basic no emotion etc just a notice. The GF swiftly followed with a gushing post announcing she was now she and my ex were grandparents and discussing with her friends what title she would like grandma, granny nannie etc She tried to add the same post to my daughter in laws FB and she deleted it neither she or my son are happy. I tried to speak to my ex and he is refusing to deal with it, typical of him he will not handle any difficult situation never has, he didnt know what she had done until I told him to look. In his words the baby wont speak for a year?! he will deal with it then.My parents are upset they are old fashioned and do not think she should have any title at all.

    I was very upset I think after my ex was saying she would never try and muscle in I wasnt expecting it. It also felt like a slap in face after what I thought was a nice visit together with the baby. It felt that despite me being considerate and trying to put the past behind us, she was determined to spoil the glow of being a first time grandma from me. She has since taken to posting vague FB status around 'dont try and take me down you would win' type of thing which feels juvenile considering she is in her 50s.

    I am trying hard to handle it as nothing is upsetting these precious few weeks with my perfect grandbaby. Her title will be a decision for my son, not her and not me and to be honest They were saying Auntie at one point and really I could call myself the queen of England it doesnt make it true! I am not afraid she will take my place in my family, my kids and daughter in laws and I are very very close. What I need to know is how do I handle this situation and stop it escalating as my tiger grandma protection side is riled! Why is she doing it I think if I understood where she is coming from it would help a bit. (if she had known the boys since they were children and had been stepmum I could honestly understand it but lunch now and again does not make you a step mum?) I am not sure if she is threatened and thinks that this will bring me and my ex together again? If she just hates me and is trying to spoil a special time in my life etc.

    Has anyone got any insights or been through anything similar?

    Thanks for listening

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Enjoy your son, his family and the new child. Let your ex-husband manage his gf. Try to stay out of it and do not "discuss" her with him. Don't invest energy in their business and let all the adults involved deal with each other, her, etc in their own way. Avoid negative gossip or divisive family politics. It comes to no good. Stay neutral.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would stay out of it difficult as it is. Your kids know who their mom is and your grandchild will know who you are too.

  4. #4
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    It sounds like you want drama surrounding this?
    Congratulations you are a grandma , granny, nana, whatever?
    Who cares what title is given to another?
    Only you apparently?
    Let it go! It really doesnít matter!!!

    I agree with the baby canít talk. Regardless of a title the baby will grow up and decide for himself who actually cares for him.
    At this point it seems no one really does unless they have a title?
    Sorry but thatís just weird!!?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If FB posts are upsetting you, delete your ex as a FB friend. It's too much involvement, anyway. As far as what the baby will call the gf is totally the call of your son and his wife. Let it go and leave that decision to them. They are adults and capable of handling this issue.

    My family is full of divorces and second marriages. My ex-husband and I don't hate each other, but I haven't seen him since 8 years ago on the day my grandson was born. We all have many birthday and Christmas celebrations separately, and that works great for all of us. Perhaps you should follow suit, since children will pick up on tension in a group setting.

  7. #6

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    Thanks for the comments firstly I can honestly do not want drama far from it and I am firmly keeping it out of it.

    My son is keen on being able to have joint occasions but maybe as nice as that would be for him the reality is it may be better to keep separate as per the post above.

    The reason I came here for opinions is the whole family is upset including my sons in laws and I was felt it would be helpful to get an insight from outsiders.

    Personally I think it is really strange that a woman who really does not have a huge amount of time with my son and does not treat him as a son is suddenly calling herself a grandparent without being invited as I totally agree with the comment above, it is about what my son chooses to do and I will respect whatever that is.

    thanks for taking the time to respond :-)
    Last edited by JMHB; 06-13-2019 at 09:19 AM.

  8. #7
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    Well, look, to be honest the fact that she wants to be called "grandma" is only a term, a phrase. Like for example, my best friend has two little boys and they have actual Aunts and Uncles, but she calls some of her close friends when in front of the boys "Aunty Jenny", "Uncle David", etc. She also calls me "Aunty" and I might say when I come over: "Hi boys, Aunty *my name* is here". These are just words and your husband's girlfriend might just think it's cute to have the "grandma" title. Of course she knows she is not a biological grandmother, you are.

    It sounds to me like you are jealous that she's involved with your children and you just don't get along with her and don't really like her. The problem is that she's not going anywhere because she's your ex husband's partner of six years and your ex is very involved with the children. She does sound like high maintenance. But she might have written the gushing post about the baby because she's actually genuinely happy and excites about it. It might not necessarily be because she's trying to deliberately compete with you and claim she's the real grandmother.

    I think you are kind of over reacting and making the birth of the baby about you. But it's actually an exciting time for everyone in the family and that does include your ex's girlfriend.

  9. #8

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    Wiseman2 thanks yes neutral is good!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Does thin skin run in the family? Look, the lady's weird. For however many friends she had on facebook talking about "nanny, grandma, etc," I can guarantee triple that were people cringing because they know it's someone she didn't even know existed 6 years ago who gave birth. She's not "muscling in." Only way you get muscled out in any capacity is if you do it yourself. Getting petty, entertaining the drama, and using your ex as a mouthpiece to get him to police her benign, even if eyeroll-worthy facebook behavior is going to serve as much more of a detriment to you and your relationships with your family than she ever could dream to. On top of it, you're your son's mother still. They're adults, but you can still serve as a leader and as an example. They want to complain about her "muscling," let them know she's just doing what she's gonna do, that you're not worried about it, and they as adults and parents, they have all the say in the world as to how much and in what ways they choose to include her.

    Look, my mother twice married and twice divorced. My step-father ended up marrying someone I don't even regard as a step-mother as, being honest, still calling the guy my step-father is generous on his own, never mind his wife I'd only ever met as an adult. She tried to pull the, "You should call me mom, not [name]" card at some point. Hasn't since. Didn't make a scene or lose sleep. I just don't do it. She has me listed as her step-son on facebook. Sent the request for me to approve it on mine, never did. I've never asked her to take it down on her end. I don't care that much. My sister has the same degree of genealogical separation from her, yet when she started factory farming my nieces (four under 4 come August), same lady was all about being the babies' grandmother. Fortunately, I come from a family of strong and confident women. My mom knows she's a damn good grandmother and that fact will always stand on its own. She's never batted an eye. My sister knows she's the one in control of her family's boundaries and who she allows to invite in as a genuine and active grandparent to her child. Speaking personally, I'm not sure what the lady brings that my step-father deems worthwhile despite all the cringiness, but at the end of the day, it is what it is. Nothing she does and nothing you've written this woman does sounds like anything that can't just be shrugged off.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JMHB

    Personally I think it is really strange that a woman who really does not have a huge amount of time with my son and does not treat him as a son is suddenly calling herself a grandparent without being invited as I totally agree with the comment above, it is about what my son chooses to do and I will respect whatever that is.
    It is weird, but so what? Let her be weird and take the high road and stay out of it.

    Engaging in any of it fuels the flame and I would want to protect my son from any of drama, Not contribute to it.
    It takes away from his special moment.

    Basically, there is nothing you can do. I think you know that.
    Besides, this will be forgotten about next week.

    Your son just had a baby! I think that is the only important thing you should put any energy into.

    Consider all the drama beneath you and you have way too much class to even acknowledge it.

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