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Thread: I Don't Know What I'm Doing; close friends; says he can't commit

  1. #1
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    I Don't Know What I'm Doing; close friends; says he can't commit

    Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've been on here. I have a confusing situation and I wanted to objectively lay it out so you guys could give me some clarity/advice on what to do.

    I started seeing a guy around end of January; idk if this matters but im 23 and he's 27 and he used to be in the Navy; now attends college and is also an aspiring musician/guitarist/singer. We clicked instantly; the honeymoon phase was amazing. He picked me up from the airport when I came back from a med school interview; he said he couldn't stop thinking about me...he said he adored me, and really liked me. Two separate times though, he would bring up the fact that I'm going to Philly for medical school and also the fact that my parents are unfortunately pretty discriminatory against anyone not of my religion. He said these two times that he didn't want to get hurt, and that he didn't want to invest. So I guess he verbally did make his intentions clear; he wanted us to enjoy ourselves since "there was no need for a label". However his actions showed that he thought of me as a girlfriend; we hung out practically every day; he wanted me to meet his friends and even family when they visit...I got swept up in the vision of a relationship that I thought I was in.

    One night we were in the car and he asks me where I see this going, and that he sees a future with me. I was quiet that night because I remember I was scared if I said I wanted a relationship he would back away. I was scared.

    A week or two later, I go to New York for med school interviews. I come back; and he ignores me for two days. Finally he responds with a text: I can't be the person you want me to be; I'm not responsible enough to commit to you.

    We talk on the phone; and he admits he saw someone else while I was in New York. I was pretty devastated tbh; I was confused; and he kept saying that he had been transparent but I dont know how to articulate this;;...he TREATED me like a girlfriend even though he said "there's no need for a label".

    Fast forward to now; I may either stay in town where he lives, or I might go to Philly. Not sure yet. But regardless...the situation now is that we are basically best friends; we see each other every other day. I make him Indian dishes and drop them at his house. I buy him gifts. We go out together; he hits me up all the time to hang out; im the first person he reaches out to when he wants to do something; he sometimes flirtatiously touches me-which naturally makes me start having hope...

    (I've realized my generosity toward him is really just a futile attempt to get him to realize how much I care about him; and to realize how valuable that is. )

    I'm just hurting all the time though. Even when I'm with him, sure I'm happy but there's a part of me pining and longing to hold him and be with him intimately. I thought, and yeah maybe this is stupid, but I thought he liked me enough that he would've at least wanted to TRY being together. And why did he say that he saw a future with me that one time? Doesn't correspond to everything else that he said...

    In any case, I tried ignoring him a little a few days ago and he panicked and started blowing up my phone. I don't know. I think he wants the emotional intimacy and companionship while being able to around with other girls with no strings attached. Or maybe I'm just not good enough to be in a relationship with. Just good enough to play around with for a couple months.

    Interesting side-note: when I went to his house a few days ago, he brought up one of his close friends in Florida who he had a fling with and who wanted him to commit; and he refused...she blocked him then he sent a nice text saying he was sorry if he did smthng, and she replied super pissed and calling him selfish and horrible, etc...he kinda just shrugged and said "our paths weren't aligned" or something and then that was all he had to say on the matter of losing a previously very close friend. It makes me think-if I do something similar, like block him or just stop talking, he wont care about losing me either?

    What should I do?
    And why...why am I not worthy of a relationship with him?

    Also...isn't it better to be friends than not have him at all?

  2. #2
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    "aspiring"...

    You're way too good for him. This is nothing to do with you, it's all on him. He brought those things up to create boundaries and barriers, a way to back out when he feels like it.

    Him hanging out with another girl was NOT cool and I would not put up with it. You deserve a whole lot of respect this assclown can't begin to fathom or show you. Head up, move on.

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    Should I just block and delete him? Or should I try talking to him about how I feel? Maybe he doesn't realize how much I like him...ok lol that sounded stupid as i typed it...

  4. #4
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    He's a reject.

    He admitted that someone else while you were in NY. That is a huge deal breaker.

    You have too much wishful thinking on your part to the point of naivete. He's a player.

    Yes, he wants emotional intimacy and companionship, no strings attached.

    Stop going to his house, cooking for him, bringing meals to him, etc. He's taking advantage of false hopes in him and a relationship which is going nowhere.

    Take a cue from the Florida woman. Your path is not aligned with his!

    Give him fair warning. Tell him the relationship with him had run its course, it's time to break up and no more contact. Should he not heed your request about the no-contact rule, ghost and block him.

    You are worthy. The problem is, he's not worthy of you.

    He showed his true colors to you while you were in NY. That's not called a friend. It's over. There is no more trust.

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  6. #5
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    We weren't exclusive though so technically he didn't do anything wrong right? I mean it was definitely hurtful but technically...did he do something wrong?

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    He mislead you. There is no other option but to break up. He doesn't show respect and you should demand more. It's hard, I know, but that's what I think.

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    We aren't seeing each other currently. He ended things after telling me he saw someone else bcuz he said he didn't want to lead me on.

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    That doesnít make any sense, he saw someone else so he didnít lead you on. I think heís trying to sugarcoat what he did so he doesnít look like the bad guy. This guy is not boyfriend material let alone friend material.

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    Hi guys I genuinely feel like there's some confusion...we were never boyfriend-girlfriend even though his actions made me think of myself as his girlfriend...and now we are just close friends; we haven't been intimate or even kissed since he told me he had to end things. The way he ended things was by saying: listen i saw someone else and i just can't commit to something exclusive bcuz I'm not responsible enough and it would be toxic if we dated??? and he said he's ending it now so that he doesn't lead me on. but i feel like he already led me on lol

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melody147
    Hi guys I genuinely feel like there's some confusion...we were never boyfriend-girlfriend even though his actions made me think of myself as his girlfriend...and now we are just close friends; we haven't been intimate or even kissed since he told me he had to end things. The way he ended things was by saying: listen i saw someone else and i just can't commit to something exclusive bcuz I'm not responsible enough and it would be toxic if we dated??? and he said he's ending it now so that he doesn't lead me on. but i feel like he already led me on lol
    He did lead you on. You listened to his actions, which screamed "I want a committed relationship!" (at least until he decided to start seeing someone else) instead of his words. His words were the truth, however. You aren't close friends, because there are deeper feelings involved. Don't fool yourself.

    You've allowed him to rely on you for emotional support, practical support, attention, and affection, even though he has made it clear he is not willing to give you what you want. The beginning of your post states a few major incompatibilities which may shed some light on why the situation developed as it did, but regardless of why, you have allowed it to continue.

    I think you need to ask yourself why you are compensating for this man and putting your all in when he is not even meeting you halfway. You don't need his love and approval to be happy. Stop.making excuses for his poor behavior and consider seeing a mental health professional. It takes very low self-esteem and self-worth to stay in these types of situations. People who believe they are worthy of what they want walk away when it is not being offered.

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