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I Don't Know What I'm Doing; close friends; says he can't commit


melody147

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Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've been on here. I have a confusing situation and I wanted to objectively lay it out so you guys could give me some clarity/advice on what to do.

 

I started seeing a guy around end of January; idk if this matters but im 23 and he's 27 and he used to be in the Navy; now attends college and is also an aspiring musician/guitarist/singer. We clicked instantly; the honeymoon phase was amazing. He picked me up from the airport when I came back from a med school interview; he said he couldn't stop thinking about me...he said he adored me, and really liked me. Two separate times though, he would bring up the fact that I'm going to Philly for medical school and also the fact that my parents are unfortunately pretty discriminatory against anyone not of my religion. He said these two times that he didn't want to get hurt, and that he didn't want to invest. So I guess he verbally did make his intentions clear; he wanted us to enjoy ourselves since "there was no need for a label". However his actions showed that he thought of me as a girlfriend; we hung out practically every day; he wanted me to meet his friends and even family when they visit...I got swept up in the vision of a relationship that I thought I was in.

 

One night we were in the car and he asks me where I see this going, and that he sees a future with me. I was quiet that night because I remember I was scared if I said I wanted a relationship he would back away. I was scared.

 

A week or two later, I go to New York for med school interviews. I come back; and he ignores me for two days. Finally he responds with a text: I can't be the person you want me to be; I'm not responsible enough to commit to you.

 

We talk on the phone; and he admits he saw someone else while I was in New York. I was pretty devastated tbh; I was confused; and he kept saying that he had been transparent but I dont know how to articulate this;;...he TREATED me like a girlfriend even though he said "there's no need for a label".

 

Fast forward to now; I may either stay in town where he lives, or I might go to Philly. Not sure yet. But regardless...the situation now is that we are basically best friends; we see each other every other day. I make him Indian dishes and drop them at his house. I buy him gifts. We go out together; he hits me up all the time to hang out; im the first person he reaches out to when he wants to do something; he sometimes flirtatiously touches me-which naturally makes me start having hope...

 

(I've realized my generosity toward him is really just a futile attempt to get him to realize how much I care about him; and to realize how valuable that is. )

 

I'm just hurting all the time though. Even when I'm with him, sure I'm happy but there's a part of me pining and longing to hold him and be with him intimately. I thought, and yeah maybe this is stupid, but I thought he liked me enough that he would've at least wanted to TRY being together. And why did he say that he saw a future with me that one time? Doesn't correspond to everything else that he said...

 

In any case, I tried ignoring him a little a few days ago and he panicked and started blowing up my phone. I don't know. I think he wants the emotional intimacy and companionship while being able to around with other girls with no strings attached. Or maybe I'm just not good enough to be in a relationship with. Just good enough to play around with for a couple months.

 

Interesting side-note: when I went to his house a few days ago, he brought up one of his close friends in Florida who he had a fling with and who wanted him to commit; and he refused...she blocked him then he sent a nice text saying he was sorry if he did smthng, and she replied super pissed and calling him selfish and horrible, etc...he kinda just shrugged and said "our paths weren't aligned" or something and then that was all he had to say on the matter of losing a previously very close friend. It makes me think-if I do something similar, like block him or just stop talking, he wont care about losing me either?

 

What should I do?

And why...why am I not worthy of a relationship with him?

 

Also...isn't it better to be friends than not have him at all?

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"aspiring"...

 

You're way too good for him. This is nothing to do with you, it's all on him. He brought those things up to create boundaries and barriers, a way to back out when he feels like it.

 

Him hanging out with another girl was NOT cool and I would not put up with it. You deserve a whole lot of respect this assclown can't begin to fathom or show you. Head up, move on.

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He's a reject.

 

He admitted that someone else while you were in NY. That is a huge deal breaker.

 

You have too much wishful thinking on your part to the point of naivete. He's a player.

 

Yes, he wants emotional intimacy and companionship, no strings attached.

 

Stop going to his house, cooking for him, bringing meals to him, etc. He's taking advantage of false hopes in him and a relationship which is going nowhere.

 

Take a cue from the Florida woman. Your path is not aligned with his!

 

Give him fair warning. Tell him the relationship with him had run its course, it's time to break up and no more contact. Should he not heed your request about the no-contact rule, ghost and block him.

 

You are worthy. The problem is, he's not worthy of you.

 

He showed his true colors to you while you were in NY. That's not called a friend. It's over. There is no more trust.

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Hi guys I genuinely feel like there's some confusion...we were never boyfriend-girlfriend even though his actions made me think of myself as his girlfriend...and now we are just close friends; we haven't been intimate or even kissed since he told me he had to end things. The way he ended things was by saying: listen i saw someone else and i just can't commit to something exclusive bcuz I'm not responsible enough and it would be toxic if we dated??? and he said he's ending it now so that he doesn't lead me on. but i feel like he already led me on lol

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Hi guys I genuinely feel like there's some confusion...we were never boyfriend-girlfriend even though his actions made me think of myself as his girlfriend...and now we are just close friends; we haven't been intimate or even kissed since he told me he had to end things. The way he ended things was by saying: listen i saw someone else and i just can't commit to something exclusive bcuz I'm not responsible enough and it would be toxic if we dated??? and he said he's ending it now so that he doesn't lead me on. but i feel like he already led me on lol

 

He did lead you on. You listened to his actions, which screamed "I want a committed relationship!" (at least until he decided to start seeing someone else) instead of his words. His words were the truth, however. You aren't close friends, because there are deeper feelings involved. Don't fool yourself.

 

You've allowed him to rely on you for emotional support, practical support, attention, and affection, even though he has made it clear he is not willing to give you what you want. The beginning of your post states a few major incompatibilities which may shed some light on why the situation developed as it did, but regardless of why, you have allowed it to continue.

 

I think you need to ask yourself why you are compensating for this man and putting your all in when he is not even meeting you halfway. You don't need his love and approval to be happy. Stop.making excuses for his poor behavior and consider seeing a mental health professional. It takes very low self-esteem and self-worth to stay in these types of situations. People who believe they are worthy of what they want walk away when it is not being offered.

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He's just not that into you, OP.

 

There is no need to tell him how you feel. He knows. You need to start worrying less about his feelings and a lot more about your own. You can be honest with him that this close "friendship" for you is too difficult and you need to take your space. And leave it at that.

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This guy sounds like a player. He uses women.

 

It makes me think-if I do something similar, like block him or just stop talking, he wont care about losing me either?

 

If that's true, or possibly true, why would you want a guy like that? He would obviously only care about his own feelings and no one else's.

 

I think you need to stop hoping and wishing and going on his terms. Tell him you want a commitment or you're moving on.

 

But to be honest, he sounds too selfish and too much of a player.

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The way he ended things was by saying: listen i saw someone else and i just can't commit to something exclusive bcuz I'm not responsible enough and it would be toxic if we dated???

 

If he spelled it out for you, then believe him. It's not going to happen. This guy has no clue how to be good to one woman or how to be responsible enough.

 

Let it go.

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He ended it because he doesn’t want to commit to you. He never even agreed to exclusively dating so at that point in time you were friends with benefits only.

When the benefits stopped , so too should the friendship have ended.

 

Why are you hanging out and cooking him meals when you clearly want a relationship and he clearly doesn’?

 

It’s over. Stop prolonging the split.

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Fortunately he is honest, upfront and clear about the incompatibilities and difficult logistics. He doesn't want to string you along. It's only been 6 mos, cut your losses.

 

Stop hanging out and stop buying gifts, stop cooking for him, stop mothering and smothering him. Find a more stable and compatible guy. he's just not that interested.

 

This has nothing to do with commitment or "good enough'. You're simply not compatible and he's been very clear on that.

he would bring up the fact that I'm going to Philly for medical school and also the fact that my parents are unfortunately pretty discriminatory against anyone not of my religion.

 

He said these two times that he didn't want to get hurt, and that he didn't want to invest.

we are basically best friends; we see each other every other day. I make him Indian dishes and drop them at his house. I buy him gifts. We go out together; he hits me up all the time to hang out

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I guess I have a bit of a different take on things... but ultimately it amounts to the same thing.

 

I do feel he’s been honest. Refreshingly so. He has very much explained where he’s at and where he stands... you just... aren’t listening really?

 

I think you (and the Florida girl) believe in the romantic notion that “love can move mountains”. That - if someone loves you enough - that they will climb over every hurdle and make it work. (Your hurdles - the long distance school thing and the family thing, her hurdles the long distance thing and who knows what else).

 

What he is saying - very clearly - is that he doesn’t want to move mountains or jump over crocodiles. He doesn’t subscribe to that romantic notion. To him, a good relationship is one that just works. If there are mountains and crocodiles, it’s just not meant to be.

 

I don’t think it’s that he didn’t care about Florida girl. I think he just saw mountains and crocodiles. So - she can be upset about it all she wants - but if he doesn’t think it will work, he doesn’t think it will work. What is he supposed to do about it? (Other than changing his world view).

 

Similarly for you - you can stop making him meals and buying him gifts. The problem isn’t that he doesn’t like you enough or think you are sweet enough. The problem is that he sees mountains and crocodiles.

 

... and what about those crocodiles anyways? Has he met your parents? How do they all feel about each other?

 

Because he’s been so honest, I do think that you can be friends with him. But - it has to be ACTUAL friends. Like... think about your best girl friend. When was the last time you cooked HER a meal and dropped off food? (Lol). Do you see HER every other day?? You have to throw up those boundaries and treat him no different than your other friends. You have to be ok - and even happy for him - if he starts dating someone. You have to be able to put it in perspective and be able to date people yourself and carry on with your life. If the romantic notion is going to hold you back in any way, you need to let the whole relationship go.

 

MAYBE, in like 10 years, after school, if you’ve been friends all that time, and your parents come to love him as a family friend, etc... I mean... it could happen. But not anytime soon. And odds are he’ll find someone else without crocodiles in the meantime.

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Stop trying to buy his love with food and gifts. He can totally see what you're trying to do.

 

Of course he'll accept the food and gifts, just like some men would accept sex. But that doesn't mean your food and gifts will.change his mind.

 

And I can guarantee none of what you're doing is making you attractive to him. Probably the opposite.

 

Reclaim your dignity and stop pretending to be his friend to try to change his mind.

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Learn from your mistakes. You two had different relationship goals from the very beginning, which he spelled out quite clearly and on top of that, issued you a warning.

 

No matter how cute, sexy, and fun a guy is, if this very thing happens in the future, take what he says at face value and walk away immediately.

 

And staying friends will immensely prolong closure, since you're still into him, and it will prevent you from bonding with anyone new, romantically. A friendship will also possibly send new guys running away from you when they find out you're still close buddies with a guy you recently had sex with.

 

There are other cute, sexy, fun guys out there who will want you exclusively, no holds barred. Free yourself now so that you're single and ready for that to happen.

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A friendship will also possibly send new guys running away from you when they find out you're still close buddies with a guy you recently had sex with.

.

 

Oh, sorry. I can be so naive sometimes lol! Were you having sex? That makes all the difference to me.

 

If he was having sex with you, while knowing you wanted a relationship, and not giving you a label and jerking you around - he is not friend material.

 

If it was just a hopeful relationship that just didn’t get off the ground and you weren’t sleeping together - and he was honest with you and not using you - friend material.

 

Whether or not he was compassionate and/or deliberately leading you on for his own benefit makes ALL the difference.

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You are talking about leaving him to go to college. Why should he be expected to commit to what amounts to a long distance relationship? Most don't workout. Worry about a relationship later when you know what you are going to do with your life and settle down in one place.

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From my own recent experiences, I will say.. if a guy is not SAYING that he is committing to you then he is not committing. He may have lead you on by behaving certain ways but that doesn't mean a thing if he's not actually showing he is committed and he has told you his hesitation before plus he was with someone else while you were gone. How could you trust him even if he were to all of a sudden say he wanted a commitment (not likely at this point). It's not worth holding out hope for something that he isn't showing is going to happen. Him being your friend and hanging out with you and thinking about you and all that is just him enjoying the benefits of the closeness but no relationship. Sounds like you want a relationship and he doesn't. He may be a close friend and all but if deep down you have to ask yourself these questions then you know you want more.

 

Deciding whether being friends is better than no friendship at all is entirely up to you but please don't put your life on hold for this guy.

 

If med school in Philly is what you want to do.. go to Philly!! Live your life. You'll know when you find the right one because there won't be any confusing he said this but he's behaving life this. You shouldn't have to question it. This also has nothing to do with your worth or what you deserve. You always deserve the best and you deserve to go after what you want in life. Maybe it won't always work out at planned but you definitely deserve to be happy in a satisfying relationship when the time is right and with a person that is on the same page as you.

 

It's not easy but you got this!

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Fortunately he is honest, upfront and clear about the incompatibilities and difficult logistics. He doesn't want to string you along. It's only been 6 mos, cut your losses.

 

Stop hanging out and stop buying gifts, stop cooking for him, stop mothering and smothering him. Find a more stable and compatible guy. he's just not that interested.

 

This has nothing to do with commitment or "good enough'. You're simply not compatible and he's been very clear on that.

I second this entire post. Nailed it.

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