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Thread: I Don't Know What I'm Doing; close friends; says he can't commit

  1. #11
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    He's just not that into you, OP.

    There is no need to tell him how you feel. He knows. You need to start worrying less about his feelings and a lot more about your own. You can be honest with him that this close "friendship" for you is too difficult and you need to take your space. And leave it at that.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This guy sounds like a player. He uses women.

    It makes me think-if I do something similar, like block him or just stop talking, he wont care about losing me either?
    If that's true, or possibly true, why would you want a guy like that? He would obviously only care about his own feelings and no one else's.

    I think you need to stop hoping and wishing and going on his terms. Tell him you want a commitment or you're moving on.

    But to be honest, he sounds too selfish and too much of a player.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The way he ended things was by saying: listen i saw someone else and i just can't commit to something exclusive bcuz I'm not responsible enough and it would be toxic if we dated???
    If he spelled it out for you, then believe him. It's not going to happen. This guy has no clue how to be good to one woman or how to be responsible enough.

    Let it go.

  4. #14
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    He ended it because he doesnít want to commit to you. He never even agreed to exclusively dating so at that point in time you were friends with benefits only.
    When the benefits stopped , so too should the friendship have ended.

    Why are you hanging out and cooking him meals when you clearly want a relationship and he clearly doesní?

    Itís over. Stop prolonging the split.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Fortunately he is honest, upfront and clear about the incompatibilities and difficult logistics. He doesn't want to string you along. It's only been 6 mos, cut your losses.

    Stop hanging out and stop buying gifts, stop cooking for him, stop mothering and smothering him. Find a more stable and compatible guy. he's just not that interested.

    This has nothing to do with commitment or "good enough'. You're simply not compatible and he's been very clear on that.
    Originally Posted by melody147
    he would bring up the fact that I'm going to Philly for medical school and also the fact that my parents are unfortunately pretty discriminatory against anyone not of my religion.

    He said these two times that he didn't want to get hurt, and that he didn't want to invest.

    we are basically best friends; we see each other every other day. I make him Indian dishes and drop them at his house. I buy him gifts. We go out together; he hits me up all the time to hang out

  7. #16
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    I guess I have a bit of a different take on things... but ultimately it amounts to the same thing.

    I do feel heís been honest. Refreshingly so. He has very much explained where heís at and where he stands... you just... arenít listening really?

    I think you (and the Florida girl) believe in the romantic notion that ďlove can move mountainsĒ. That - if someone loves you enough - that they will climb over every hurdle and make it work. (Your hurdles - the long distance school thing and the family thing, her hurdles the long distance thing and who knows what else).

    What he is saying - very clearly - is that he doesnít want to move mountains or jump over crocodiles. He doesnít subscribe to that romantic notion. To him, a good relationship is one that just works. If there are mountains and crocodiles, itís just not meant to be.

    I donít think itís that he didnít care about Florida girl. I think he just saw mountains and crocodiles. So - she can be upset about it all she wants - but if he doesnít think it will work, he doesnít think it will work. What is he supposed to do about it? (Other than changing his world view).

    Similarly for you - you can stop making him meals and buying him gifts. The problem isnít that he doesnít like you enough or think you are sweet enough. The problem is that he sees mountains and crocodiles.

    ... and what about those crocodiles anyways? Has he met your parents? How do they all feel about each other?

    Because heís been so honest, I do think that you can be friends with him. But - it has to be ACTUAL friends. Like... think about your best girl friend. When was the last time you cooked HER a meal and dropped off food? (Lol). Do you see HER every other day?? You have to throw up those boundaries and treat him no different than your other friends. You have to be ok - and even happy for him - if he starts dating someone. You have to be able to put it in perspective and be able to date people yourself and carry on with your life. If the romantic notion is going to hold you back in any way, you need to let the whole relationship go.

    MAYBE, in like 10 years, after school, if youíve been friends all that time, and your parents come to love him as a family friend, etc... I mean... it could happen. But not anytime soon. And odds are heíll find someone else without crocodiles in the meantime.

  8. #17
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    Stop trying to buy his love with food and gifts. He can totally see what you're trying to do.

    Of course he'll accept the food and gifts, just like some men would accept sex. But that doesn't mean your food and gifts will.change his mind.

    And I can guarantee none of what you're doing is making you attractive to him. Probably the opposite.

    Reclaim your dignity and stop pretending to be his friend to try to change his mind.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by melody147
    "there was no need for a label".
    Let me translate this young man speak for you.

    "I want you to give me what I want, but I am under no obligation to give you what you want. Don't like it? there's the door."

    It's mean and manipulative. Don't tolerate it.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Learn from your mistakes. You two had different relationship goals from the very beginning, which he spelled out quite clearly and on top of that, issued you a warning.

    No matter how cute, sexy, and fun a guy is, if this very thing happens in the future, take what he says at face value and walk away immediately.

    And staying friends will immensely prolong closure, since you're still into him, and it will prevent you from bonding with anyone new, romantically. A friendship will also possibly send new guys running away from you when they find out you're still close buddies with a guy you recently had sex with.

    There are other cute, sexy, fun guys out there who will want you exclusively, no holds barred. Free yourself now so that you're single and ready for that to happen.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    A friendship will also possibly send new guys running away from you when they find out you're still close buddies with a guy you recently had sex with.
    .
    Oh, sorry. I can be so naive sometimes lol! Were you having sex? That makes all the difference to me.

    If he was having sex with you, while knowing you wanted a relationship, and not giving you a label and jerking you around - he is not friend material.

    If it was just a hopeful relationship that just didnít get off the ground and you werenít sleeping together - and he was honest with you and not using you - friend material.

    Whether or not he was compassionate and/or deliberately leading you on for his own benefit makes ALL the difference.

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