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Thread: Girlfriend related our sex to rape

  1. #21
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The thing is people donít need to get their sexy on when the other person feels sick.
    Right?

    I read all of your quotes, Antique, but it still does not jive with me. He could have either just let her be or stay focused on comforting her (non sexually) and realizing that she felt sick.
    It doesn't matter if she didn't want to go to bed or if she didn't want to come up to bed, or whatever.

    She's a grown woman, let her be or ask her is you can do anything for her in terms of helping with the headache.

    But Op, was horny before they even got home, he had his intentions and sure wasn't giving up on them.

    Even when they got into bed, he should have comforted her and told her to just sleep. He could get her an aspirin if needed but other than that, leave her be.
    Not sexually, not expecting...purely just taking care of her.

    I think she was relating how she felt about the sex with him and being raped, in terms of feeling forced or pushed in that direction. Which she was.
    He knew she had a headache...that should have been END OF. No sex, no thoughts of it, just let her be and let her sleep or relax on her own.

  2. #22
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Yuppero.

    .......:
    Originally Posted by Cope
    Rape culture is alive and kicking and this situation shows both sides of it. A man who, even when he saw that his partner wasn't into it, continued, and a woman who, even though she didn't really want to continue didn't refuse it, in fear they might get into a fight. The root is the same, patriarchy.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    Rape culture is alive and kicking and this situation shows both sides of it. A man who, even when he saw that his partner wasn't into it, continued, and a woman who, even though she didn't really want to continue didn't refuse it, in fear they might get into a fight. The root is the same, patriarchy.
    I disagree 100% -- its about BOUNDARIES. Not "the patriarchy."
    Its making your yes yes and your no no.
    If someone is tired, and the other person says "you are tired, why not go to bed instead of sex?"
    Then the person says "No, let's have it". HUH? Its not "the patriarchy" - its you....

  4. #24
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I disagree 100% -- its about BOUNDARIES. Not "the patriarchy."
    Its making your yes yes and your no no.
    If someone is tired, and the other person says "you are tired, why not go to bed instead of sex?"
    Then the person says "No, let's have it". HUH? Its not "the patriarchy" - its you....
    Agree wholeheartedly with this.

    I would be horrified by my own behavior if my bf expressed disinterest and I pursued sex anyway.

    We need to respect the voices of the people we love, not dismiss them . This is of primary importance.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    "A father and son have a car accident and are both badly hurt. They are both taken to separate hospitals. When the boy is taken in for an operation, the surgeon (doctor) says 'I can not do the surgery because this is my son'. How is this possible?"



    Don't give me a well thought answer, but question yourself as to why you may have found yourself confused by this riddle even if it was for seconds.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yeah, I get where you're coming from, Cope...sexism, expectations of the sex.

    Still though, he behaved badly.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher

    Still though, he behaved badly.
    Oh I never said he didn't, on the contrary!

    I just see that he's confused and mentioning things that he can start to unpack if he wants this to never happen again.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by jackspain
    Hi everyone,

    Problem:
    My girlfriend was raped 10 years ago and she recently related one of our sex sessions to the feeling she felt when she got raped.

    Events the night of:

    The other day, we had a fun Friday night out. We agreed once we go back home we would have sex.

    By the end of the night, she was tired and had a migraine.

    She crashed on the couch and I saw she was tired so i asked her if she would like to continue to sleep. She said "no, i just want to relax". I let her relax and after seeing she was falling asleep i asked her to go to bed. Her saying she wasnt going to sleep yet was a hint she didnt want to deny me sex for the night.

    She insisted she wasnt falling asleep after i told her to go to bed multiple times. Eventually, i moved her from the couch to the bed.

    I was still horny and started testing the waters, asked why she isnt kissing me, so she started to kiss me. She also took her clothes off. At this point, i knew she was tired but i also felt like she was interested still in having sex regardless of her tiredness.

    A few minutes into it i couldnt get hard because i could tell she wasnt into it. She asked me whats wrong and I told her i didnt feel like shes trying and suggested we go sleep. She said no and we tried again. We then had sex.

    During/after sex, I assumed she was going to be upset the next day because she was tired and 'made' her have sex.

    The sex was probably the worst sex i've had with my girlfriend.

    Negative comment:

    The next day, she told me she was upset and that the sex we had made her feel how she felt 10 years ago when she got raped. She said that i didnt consider her being tired / migraine and also was only concerned about my own 'release'. That I made her feel like how she felt when she got raped. I told her this was not true and i asked her multiple times if she wanted to just sleep. I also mentioned how she kissed me and even put in effort to get me hard.

    She said she only did it to avoid a 'fight' because apparently if we didnt have sex that night, I would be upset. SO in the end, i was setup for a fight anyway because we DID have sex and she didn't want to.

    Question:

    I was really upset at this comment. I understand rape is a serious thing, but how could she relate our sex to that event? The worst event that's ever happened in her life? How could she say this to her loving bf?

    We ended up getting into a fight and i made it clear that her comment was uncalled for. With the comment she made I asked we take a break. This really hurt me and was immature and negative.

    I understand she was expressing her feelings but it could have been communicated more effectively with "i didnt like that you forced sex yesterday even after seeing i was tired". "You should have let me sleep"... etc

    Am i in the wrong here?
    No, you're not in the wrong. She consented even after you pointed out she was tired and should sleep instead.

    Please do not listen to those saying you pushed her or that this post is gross. They're flat out wrong.

    If you haven't already, you need to RUN (not walk) from this relationship. It's only a matter of time before you might be falsely accused of something you didn't do.

    This girl is broken, through no fault of her own, and she needs a LOT of counseling for what she went through.

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