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Thread: Is it wrong for me to reach out?

  1. #1
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    so cal

    Is it wrong for me to reach out?

    Hi all - Wondering what you think on this:
    I just found out that my ex boyfriends mom recently passed away. She was a sweet lady, and I have many fond memories of her.
    She and her husband were married over 60 years (!). I really want to reach out to her husband to let him know he is loved and not alone. I can not even imagine the loss he is feeling (he is around 93 years old).
    My problem is that my ex and I did not end on friendly terms. But to contact the dad, I have to communicate thru the ex.
    Don't want to "stir the pot", But I truly do want the dad to know how much they meant to me.
    So - yes or no?
    Contact or no contact.
    Truthfully - no other agenda here. Just want to here what you all think.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Yes, I think it's appropriate for you to reach out in this situation.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    I don't know your whole story, but typically in times like this we take the high road and do the right thing. We don't get hung up on how someone else will react. If you feel that contacting the dad is the right thing to do, then you do it.
    Shortly after my ex and I separated (contentious divorce and new girlfriend on his arm) I felt it right for me to pay my respects and attend the funeral of his sisters husband, who passed away unexpectedly.
    It was appreciated, even by the ex.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Jan 2015
    Can you send a card?


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Mar 2019
    You have a conscience which is commendable.

    I would reach out to your ex, pay your respects, express your sincere sympathy and kind words of support. He is grief stricken and inconsolable regarding his tremendous loss. I say, "YES" to contact for this special circumstance. Just make sure you keep it respectfully brief and extremely well mannered. Don't go back 'n forth with long correspondences. Your ex is your ex. Be mindful and it's highly appropriate to extend compassion during his bereft state.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    I personally would say, no.

    I understand that these people were once a apart of your life, but they're not now and it's not really appropriate.

    Th ex might find it overstepping your boundaries and might not appreciate it at all.

    Your sentiment is nice, but I don't think it's a good idea.

    I agree with bolt, sending a card seems about right.

  8. #7
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Apr 2009
    My vote also goes for sending a card only.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Why? Who benefits? In bold is always a good question to ask yourself when considering whether to broach a sensitive topic or situation.

    I'll be frank. The father isn't going to bed tonight wondering why he hasn't received your condolences. And on the other hand, if you didn't end things on good terms with your ex, he'll likely at best be apathetic, and your sentiments would be just another verbal reminder of, "Hey. Heard your mom croaked." Worse, hearing from you might be a stressor, even if as mild as just an eye-roll he'd rather not experience right now. His mother did pass away after all, so like him or not, his feelings should be considered.

    It's a no-brainer.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    I also would vote ďnoĒ.

    Most people (ie: your exís family) understand that a break-up is a break-up. That you hold no ill-will towards the family and friends of your ex and often think of them fondly. Itís just a part of life. Relationships break up and people go their separate ways.

    If you didnít leave on good terms with your ex - and he would also be grieving - I mean, itís going to be awkward and uncomfortable and no offense - he probably doesnít want to be reminded of all that at this time.

    Also - not to be callous - but in my own observations of the people I know in their 90s... I mean... they kind of expect that at some point in their lives? Theyíve been through the deaths of so many friends and family members... thatís not to say they are numb to it or donít grieve... but they are somewhat numb to it?

    And itís kinda superficial? I mean... are you going to start hanging out with the dad on a weekly basis and keep him company?

    Itís ok to be sad. But personally, I would pay my respects by respectfully giving them their space.

    (Unless itís an ex you have children with and you are accompanying the children)

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    ^ All excellent. Another no here.

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