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Thread: Is it wrong for me to reach out?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Jul 2008
    Originally Posted by kalikat
    Hi all - Wondering what you think on this:
    I just found out that my ex boyfriends mom recently passed away. She was a sweet lady, and I have many fond memories of her.
    She and her husband were married over 60 years (!). I really want to reach out to her husband to let him know he is loved and not alone. I can not even imagine the loss he is feeling (he is around 93 years old).
    My problem is that my ex and I did not end on friendly terms. But to contact the dad, I have to communicate thru the ex.
    Don't want to "stir the pot", But I truly do want the dad to know how much they meant to me.
    So - yes or no?
    Contact or no contact.
    Truthfully - no other agenda here. Just want to here what you all think.
    And you know what, I gotta expound a bit because if it really is the only agenda, it's a pretty ****ty one. I don't know what happened between you two, but regardless, essentially regarding the man whose own mother passed away as some hurdle or "problem" getting in the way of letting the guy you feel really deserves hearing your condolences is a whole lot of "wow." I can tell you full-stop that if I were him and knew this post existed, you'd probably be the last person I want to hear from. I know he very well might not end up every knowing, but I think you should afford him the very basic respect of just not doing it.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I agree wholeheartedly with the posters suggesting you do not do this.

    It's understandable when you're grieving to want to wedge your way back into an ex's life, but recognize the desire is selfish and totally inappropriate at this point. You two did not end on good terms and your "condolences" aren't going to change the situation. Additionally, due to age, the death was expected, and while I'm sure his father is sad, he likely is holding up okay. Please let this idea go.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Aug 2014
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I don't know your whole story, but typically in times like this we take the high road and do the right thing. We don't get hung up on how someone else will react. If you feel that contacting the dad is the right thing to do, then you do it.
    Shortly after my ex and I separated (contentious divorce and new girlfriend on his arm) I felt it right for me to pay my respects and attend the funeral of his sisters husband, who passed away unexpectedly.
    It was appreciated, even by the ex.
    Rereading it.
    I didnt catch it was just a boyfriend.
    Assumed it was her ex husband, therefore I take back my advise.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Originally Posted by j.man
    Why? Who benefits? In bold is always a good question to ask yourself when considering whether to broach a sensitive topic or situation.

    I'll be frank. The father isn't going to bed tonight wondering why he hasn't received your condolences. And on the other hand, if you didn't end things on good terms with your ex, he'll likely at best be apathetic, and your sentiments would be just another verbal reminder of, "Hey. Heard your mom croaked." Worse, hearing from you might be a stressor, even if as mild as just an eye-roll he'd rather not experience right now. His mother did pass away after all, so like him or not, his feelings should be considered.

    It's a no-brainer.


  6. #15
    Platinum Member
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    Aug 2016
    At most, send a card.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    There is no need to reach out but if you decide to anyway...Agree, keep it simple.
    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    My vote also goes for sending a card only.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    “I really want to reach out to her husband to let him know he is loved and not alone”

    Do you really think that no one else will say that??? Of course they will!!
    And why do you think you saying the same thing others will say will make a difference?

    Absolutely a firm no from me!!

    Your planned words are cheap. Sorry!
    Because unless you plan to actually spend time with him regularly so he is not “alone” , what’s the point?

  9. #18
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    so cal
    WOw - some of you are amazingly fierce.

    SGH - NO - it's not an attempt to get back in with the ex when he's vulnerable. You are completely way off base with that idea.

    And yes - all I meant to do was to send a card out. Not a call or an email. Nothing that would seem to need a reply.

    All I know is that this poor 95 year old man lost the love of his life. They both came to my dad's funeral - AFTER My ex & I had split. And you know what - it meant a lot to me that they were there.

    So despite all the negative energy and comments, I am going to send out a card. I feel its the least I can do.

    Honestly - either way - thank you for allowing me to see things from a different perspective and helping me decide what to do.

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