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Thread: Trouble letting go of toxic relationship

  1. #41
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yikes. She's angry. Leave her alone for sure.
    Originally Posted by Detoxer
    I broke NC to share a song with her that reminded me of her. saw fit to send me a picture of them together.

  2. #42
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    Please remember this the next time you're tempted to "try again" to reach out to her.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Detoxer
    Well, I broke NC to share a song with her that reminded me of her. She proceeded to tear my heart out.

    She's already with someone new, 2 weeks after we split, and saw fit to send me a picture of them together. That's about as low as it gets. I don't understand why she wants to hurt me like this or how anyone can do something like that.

    She said she doesn't care for me at all anymore. Freaking hurts like hell. I don't understand how she went from saying she was hurting too and would miss me 2 weeks ago to treating me like I'm scum.

    Moral is don't break NC.
    Sorry for the pain, sincerely.

    But I can't say any of this shocks me, not you reaching out, not her response. Shock therapy, you could say. Truth is, and I know you won't like reading this, both are equally manipulative, selfish, driven less by genuine affection than by hurt and a desire to alleviate hurt by hurting another.

    Push yourself to zoom out a few inches from where you are right now, and I think you'll see that this little moment is just an extension of the edgy way you two connect, and have always connected. She's basically a revolver with which you play Russian roulette: spin the cylinder, put the gun to your head, pull the trigger, and see what happens.

    That alone is thrilling, feels like life and death rolled into one, addictive stuff, a dangerous game that feels profound. When the trigger just clicks on an empty chamber (i.e. when she is remotely kind) the relief is profound, drug-like. When the bullet comes out (when she bites back, as she did here) the pain is profound, drug-like. The bullet, the empty chamber: they are the same thing here, an artificial delivery system for profound feeling.

    You want to keep the lens trained on her for a bit longer? Okay, I'll indulge. You want to know why people hurt people in this manner? It's because they're hurt themselves—because hurt people, well, they hurt people. This woman is deeply hurt. It's not mysterious or special. It is damage, unprocessed, and if she wan't hot and occasionally very into you you wouldn't care about it all one way or another.

    And here's the thing: she knows that. She knew it before you met her. So she sees right through the song, sees what is beneath the gesture, sees what you're really doing, which is seeing if you can still elicit feelings in her as she does you. You're trying, in a way, to remain under the skin of the hot minx she both hates herself for being while really hating that she can't figure out another way to be because dudes like you (and the one in the photo she sent you) validate and reward the hot minx stuff.

    I know I might sound a little harsh. But I'm on your side. I can tell you're just too smart to even fully believe the victim narrative you just put forth. You did not do something kind only to have your heart ripped out, good as that story is. You had an agenda, were seeking something, and, in ways, you got what you wanted—the familiar blade, just the wrong side, the one that cuts.

    So the question becomes, per other posts by me and others: Why do you need a gun to your head to feel something? What is going on, inside you, that feels you need to be punished? What is the thing you are so scared of or loathe so much about yourself that you seek this? Whatever that is, she has the upper hand because, for all her turbulence and self-centeredness, she understands yours more than you do. Her understanding is intuitive, instinctual, primal. But it's real. Until you understand it yourself you'll find yourself in this moment—with her, with someone else.

    So, sure, we can make the moral here that breaking NC is no-no. Fine. Heal, feel, get strong again. But do use this space to dig in—to find your own hurt so others can't latch onto it in destructive ways.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry for the pain, sincerely.

    But I can't say any of this shocks me, not you reaching out, not her response. Shock therapy, you could say. Truth is, and I know you won't like reading this, both are equally manipulative, selfish, driven less by genuine affection than by hurt and a desire to alleviate hurt by hurting another.

    Push yourself to zoom out a few inches from where you are right now, and I think you'll see that this little moment is just an extension of the edgy way you two connect, and have always connected. She's basically a revolver with which you play Russian roulette: spin the cylinder, put the gun to your head, pull the trigger, and see what happens.

    That alone is thrilling, feels like life and death rolled into one, addictive stuff, a dangerous game that feels profound. When the trigger just clicks on an empty chamber (i.e. when she is remotely kind) the relief is profound, drug-like. When the bullet comes out (when she bites back, as she did here) the pain is profound, drug-like. The bullet, the empty chamber: they are the same thing here, an artificial delivery system for profound feeling.

    You want to keep the lens trained on her for a bit longer? Okay, I'll indulge. You want to know why people hurt people in this manner? It's because they're hurt themselves—because hurt people, well, they hurt people. This woman is deeply hurt. It's not mysterious or special. It is damage, unprocessed, and if she wan't hot and occasionally very into you you wouldn't care about it all one way or another.

    And here's the thing: she knows that. She knew it before you met her. So she sees right through the song, sees what is beneath the gesture, sees what you're really doing, which is seeing if you can still elicit feelings in her as she does you. You're trying, in a way, to remain under the skin of the hot minx she both hates herself for being while really hating that she can't figure out another way to be because dudes like you (and the one in the photo she sent you) validate and reward the hot minx stuff.

    I know I might sound a little harsh. But I'm on your side. I can tell you're just too smart to even fully believe the victim narrative you just put forth. You did not do something kind only to have your heart ripped out, good as that story is. You had an agenda, were seeking something, and, in ways, you got what you wanted—the familiar blade, just the wrong side, the one that cuts.

    So the question becomes, per other posts by me and others: Why do you need a gun to your head to feel something? What is going on, inside you, that feels you need to be punished? What is the thing you are so scared of or loathe so much about yourself that you seek this? Whatever that is, she has the upper hand because, for all her turbulence and self-centeredness, she understands yours more than you do. Her understanding is intuitive, instinctual, primal. But it's real. Until you understand it yourself you'll find yourself in this moment—with her, with someone else.

    So, sure, we can make the moral here that breaking NC is no-no. Fine. Heal, feel, get strong again. But do use this space to dig in—to find your own hurt so others can't latch onto it in destructive ways.
    You sir are a sage.

  5.  

  6. #45
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    Those "extreme highs"? They feel extreme because you were beaten down to begin with. They are, in a healthy relationship, not "highs" but the baseline. Great sex, the feeling of being seen and adored, fun nights where the world melts away—this is entry point stuff, not the summit.
    Really great stuff here, Blue

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