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Thread: LDR gone horribly wrong. Feel I could’ve done things different.

  1. #1
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    LDR gone horribly wrong. Feel I could’ve done things different.

    I had been in an on and off long distance relationship for a little over a year. She was 35, I am 26. We live 1,000 miles apart. We had so much in common and she would help me through even the worst times I was going through. She supported me and all my goals and dreams as I did her. We had tried meeting and start building for a relationship but due to bad timing and poor planning it didn’t work out. started talking a month ago and we started to slowly rekindle what we had.

    I had just began moving (got thrown out of my house more or less). She and her children (she had two) were always there to brighten the night and reduce the loneliness. We were really excited to finally meet. The plan was the first night would be just me and her, the second me, her and the kids, third I was supposed to meet her parents. She already introduced me to her mom over the phone who I added on Facebook after she tagged us both in a post... Then I would visit every other weekend or she would come to me. Eventually one of us would move (presumably me; I liked where she was so it was okay). She had already introduced me to her mother over the phone and had my picture by her bedside and fridge... We even bought each other gifts (she bought me a late birthday gift and I bought her a Mother’s Day one). We had also seen each other naked (even at bad angles) so there were no surprises physically. She told me she was falling for me (which had been said by a previous ex too soon and had scared me but I didn’t think too much of it).

    Eventually the day came for me to fly out to see her. We embraced, shaking as we did and kissed as if we knew each other for years. The day didn’t go as we had planned seeing as my luggage was put on the wrong flight so we had to stay near the airport. We talked and went to the gym together and things were going great. She was play hitting me, and kissing me (in public). She also took a picture of us... We went grabbed my bag, then went back to her hometown.

    She began to act strange when we went to dinner telling me about her exes. I accidentally spilled my water and it got on her which seemed to put a damper on the night. I felt awful and tried to dry it. I figured she was okay as she still talked about having me meet her kids and me tell them “how cool she is”.

    We drove back and things got weirder. She had been engaged numerous times and married twice. But she said with dating she had a habit of breaking things off when she felt some excitement was missing. Whether it be physical, emotional, etc. That she was always the “bad guy”. And that she didn’t want to be a bad guy. I was confused as to what she meant. I tried asking what was she wanted in a relationship and she couldn’t answer. She said she didn’t just want sex or a one night stand. I began to get nervous about sex, but I didn’t want to communicate that out of fear of upsetting her. We’d been waiting a while to have sex and we weren’t gonna see each other for another three weeks.

    We went back to her place and had sex. I took viagra to be safe (I had suffered from ED in the past, and had other meds in my system). My penis was bigger than average and she knew before (she was alarmed when I showed her in a video chat). I went a bit rough and fast because of the viagra and a couple of other things. She had c sections previously and due to this she was tight. Sex had hurt and caused her to bleed. However she came twice and I didn’t (I couldn’t because of the medication).

    The next day on out way to run an errand, she communicated how she felt about the sex. Saying she wasn’t used to the size, it was a lot to take in, it was bigger than anything she’s ever had. Then said “Am I excited about doing it again? No. I’m not gonna lie.” She communicated it was uncomfortable and hard for her to enjoy (we didn’t use a lot of lube which I also didn’t take into consideration). I wasn’t sure if that meant she wanted to end it. I asked if this meant she didn’t want me to come back, she said “Well let’s talk about things.” She rambled on about something, I can’t remember what, just saying something about “things do take time but there’s also forcing things”. It had ONLY BEEN ONE DAY, looking back. While she did her thing (she had to do makeup for a client and I had to make a business call), I really didn’t have time to think and my mind just went for the worst... When we got back to her car, I offered to switch my flight back (which again I should’ve probably tried to talk to her), and after rambling a bit about her uncertainty, saying something along the line of “sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship but it is a part of it,” after a pause she agreed. She continuously said she felt bad, etc.




    When we went back to get my luggage things were quiet. She was stalling to take me back to the airport. It seemed as though she didn’t want to take me back (it was early and she said “So that’s it, you just want to go back now?”) She then stopped me again saying “ Wait, I’m hungry, I need to eat something.” I said “So eat.” She got frustrated and said “Okay but I can’t, you’re acting like..” I was like acting like what? She was like “This is awkward. This is really awkward.” We didn’t speak the whole two hour ride back and when I got there, I saw her burst into tears as she drove away.




    Only a few days later did things start to hit me; I could have offered solutions as to how to resolve the sex issue, I could’ve talked about how nervous I was about having sex and how nervous I was during sex. I also sort of rushed because we both had to be up early the following morning. I should have also reminded her it was only day 1 of us having sex and even meeting so of course the tension and pressure would be high. I could have also reinstated our promise to work through problems that occurred. Also in general this whole thing moved WAY TOO FAST which I wanted to communicate but I couldn’t... I tried texting her four days after to communicate this (she deleted me off of social media a day prior to this; her son tried Snapchatting me but I deactivated my page making it seem I was ignoring him which I think prompted her decision). She responded at first and then disappeared later after I explained myself.




    I can’t believe it ended this way... We had so many plans for the future. I regret having sex so soon as it may not have caused these problems and I would have been able to meet her family. I also regret offering to take a flight back rather than offering solutions and reminding her of how great everything else was going. That it was okay and healthy to have anxiety... I don’t know if I was lead on or if it was my fault... Could I possibly save this? It’s been two weeks since we talked. Everything feels like a fog and it’s taking a toll on me.
    Last edited by NickOrtiz; 06-12-2019 at 04:51 PM.

  2. #2
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    She didn't feel the spark in person, OP.

    The sex was not good, but it wasn't the only reason this didn't work out. You two placed too many unrealistic expectations on yourselves, building up a fantasy life before ever meeting in person. That was not wise, as it's keeping you attached to the fantasy now, rather than the reality. That's why the disappointment is so acute for you at the moment. You are having a hard time reconciling the dreamy fairy-tale with real life, and the lack of true interest from her.

    Unfortunately, it just wasn't there for her. Next time, don't get too carried away in planning a future with a person you have never met. And definitely take a gentler approach in bed.

  3. #3
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    But it was only one day, not even 24 hours. These things take time, no?

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by NickOrtiz
    But it was only one day, not even 24 hours. These things take time, no?
    Not always, no.

    There have been times in my life when I've gone out with a guy and knew pretty quickly I didn't feel a spark and wasn't interested in him that way. I didn't need extra time to understand my lack of interest.

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  6. #5
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    I don’t know. Things were going really well in the beginning until we got held up because of my bag and couldn’t do what we really wanted that night (we had to push dinner reservations until way later and couldn’t go to a bar we were planning to go to)... Maybe it would’ve sparked something. But I don’t know.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by NickOrtiz
    I don’t know. Things were going really well in the beginning until we got held up because of my bag and couldn’t do what we really wanted that night (we had to push dinner reservations until way later and couldn’t go to a bar we were planning to go to)... Maybe it would’ve sparked something. But I don’t know.
    OP, if that's all it took to put her off you, then you had a very flimsy connection to begin with.

  8. #7
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    Perfect example why LDRs don't work. If you had found someone local you would not have lost an entire year to this woman.

    You discovered a lot of red flags on your visit, something you clearly did not learn from your electronic communication.

    Move on from this, and find a local girl.

  9. #8
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    Well no not that. I meant we didn’t have a chance to really do anything really fun besides the gym because we were constantly rushing. Between getting back to get washed up and changed, to get to the restaurant in time for the reservation and then to finish eating because they were closed (and kind of throwing us out). Plus even the sex was rushed because we had to be up early the next day.

  10. #9
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    I don't feel either like there was enough chemistry or real attraction in person (each other as a whole, not just physically). Perhaps now's a good time to work on yourself and your living and job situation because it seems like you might have been putting those things on the back burner in the pursuit of this long distance relationship. I don't feel like this is salvageable.

    Go back to those reasons for subconsciously shutting down as well: it does take two to tango and there were some red flags that you realized early on that unsettled you. Her comments about her dating history and how she's treated other partners and her worry about appearing the bad guy are all red flags. People don't make comments like that on a first date and I'm not sure that long distance relationships are any different. She's insecure about herself and if she's already showing strong signs of that early on, you should be thinking of your best interests and concerned about what she's like in a full blown relationship. Yes, there are things we say and do out of nervousness but this was a little left field.

    Collect yourself a bit more and hold on to your thoughts and turn it over for awhile. Take your time and think through what happened more carefully.

  11. #10
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    That’s the thing... Women in my area suck.

    The red flags yeah I should've paid attention and responded to them accordingly.

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