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Thread: LDR gone horribly wrong. Feel I couldíve done things different.

  1. #41
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    I personally think you dodged a bullet here. I think this woman does not sound emotionally stable and sounds like she has a lot of issues. Possibly even some mental health issues. Sounds to me a bit like she could potentially have a personality disorder, but I'm not a doctor and not do I actually know her.

    The fact that she told you that she had been engaged MANY times and that many of her relationships were short is definitely not a good sign. She sounds like someone emotionally unstable and immature who just rushes to get engaged straight away. Most people have not been engaged that many times at that age because they would only get engaged to someone they have a solid relationship with for a significant amount of time. And also the fact that she told you she was always "the bad guy" dumping people. I mean, first she wants to get engaged to basically everyone then she just dumps all of them? Sounds like very unhealthy behaviour.

    In my opinion she was acting quite weird online too. She had never even met you in person at all and she already introduced you to her mother and also got you involved with her kids. She was talking about all these future plans with you like you were in a really serious relationship, but you had never even met each other! That sounds very over the top and not normal to me.
    But he was attracted to all of this.
    We are only as healthy as the company we keep.

    Dissecting her behavior only serves some purpose.

    The real lesson here is figuring out why he was ready to move his life for all of this in the first place.

  2. #42
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    I was attracted to what I thought I saw. I didnít realize the hazard of how fast things were moving until later on...

    I just felt like... (a) she was there when I was going through my transition, so it felt good to have somebody there. And I know what youíre gonna say Iím depending on people for happiness etc, but you canít say you havenít gotten comfort from at least somebody in a rough time whoever it may have been. Mom, guidance counselor, the janitor, whoever. We lifted each other up (no pun intended).

    (b) Again Iím not one to depend, but it felt good to have somebody (and two kids) in my corner. And somebody to come home to and talk about my day with so to speak.

    (c) My lifestyle is hard to explain. Iím a competitive athlete and so was she, so it felt good to have somebody that understood the rigidness of the lifestyle and all that it entails. The strict dieting, training, etc. Plus it was nice to have somebody I can share and enjoy it with. I mean Iím not asking for much here.

    (d) She made me laugh.

    This was what I thought I saw, anyway...

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by NickOrtiz
    I was attracted to what I thought I saw. I didnít realize the hazard of how fast things were moving until later on...

    I just felt like... (a) she was there when I was going through my transition, so it felt good to have somebody there. And I know what youíre gonna say Iím depending on people for happiness etc, but you canít say you havenít gotten comfort from at least somebody in a rough time whoever it may have been. Mom, guidance counselor, the janitor, whoever. We lifted each other up (no pun intended).

    (b) Again Iím not one to depend, but it felt good to have somebody (and two kids) in my corner. And somebody to come home to and talk about my day with so to speak.

    (c) My lifestyle is hard to explain. Iím a competitive athlete and so was she, so it felt good to have somebody that understood the rigidness of the lifestyle and all that it entails. The strict dieting, training, etc. Plus it was nice to have somebody I can share and enjoy it with. I mean Iím not asking for much here.

    (d) She made me laugh.

    This was what I thought I saw, anyway...
    The comfort came from a stranger.

    You did not share it, as she lived 1000 miles away.

    Do you have many friends?

  4. #44
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    Not a lot that live near me. In general I have a small circle.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NickOrtiz
    Not a lot that live near me. In general I have a small circle.
    Let that be a goal for you. To enrich and expand your life so you don't feel so vulnerable. You sought comfort from a virtual stranger, who in turn took you down the wrong path and left you there.
    When your life is full, you'll make better choices.

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by NickOrtiz
    Yeah, I guess... Another thing was that her relationships aside from her first marriage (with the children, she constantly bashes the father) her relationships never lasted a year, some even a month. Her second marriage ended within four months, when the ex husband supposedly threw his hands up one day and said ďI canít do this anymore!Ē
    Nick, you keep referring to this as a "long distance relationship," this was a "cyber" relationship, you two had not even met!

    The reason why those other RLs didn't work was because they were "in person" relationships and she got bored. She said herself she needed "excitement" and had a tendency to end things when the excitement stopped.

    Your "cyber" RL was exciting precisely because it was a cyber relationship! NOT in person. It was a huge fantasy for an entire year and fantasies are exciting!!

    Once you met in person, even though initially she may have been excited to meet you after a year, all the problems that went down sent her straight into "reality," and as such her excitement dwindled and now she's gone.

    But even if those problems had not occurred, she still would have left, because once you met in person the image she had a you for an entire year, the fantasy, was over. Replaced by the reality of the "real" you and for some people "real" is just never as exciting as "fantasy."

    Continue no contact Nick, and vow to never wait an entire year to meet someone you've met on line. If there is a distance, ideally a few weeks tops. But definitely not an entire year.

    I can't say you wasted a year cause hopefully you learned something valuable to take with you into your next relationship.

    I'm sorry it didn't work out.

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by NickOrtiz
    I was attracted to what I thought I saw. I didnít realize the hazard of how fast things were moving until later on...

    I just felt like... (a) she was there when I was going through my transition, so it felt good to have somebody there. And I know what youíre gonna say Iím depending on people for happiness etc, but you canít say you havenít gotten comfort from at least somebody in a rough time whoever it may have been. Mom, guidance counselor, the janitor, whoever. We lifted each other up (no pun intended).

    (b) Again Iím not one to depend, but it felt good to have somebody (and two kids) in my corner. And somebody to come home to and talk about my day with so to speak.

    (c) My lifestyle is hard to explain. Iím a competitive athlete and so was she, so it felt good to have somebody that understood the rigidness of the lifestyle and all that it entails. The strict dieting, training, etc. Plus it was nice to have somebody I can share and enjoy it with. I mean Iím not asking for much here.

    (d) She made me laugh.

    This was what I thought I saw, anyway...
    1. There have to be other female athletes who can make you laugh who are a lot closer.
    2. You were considering moving for her and don't seem too happy with your current area or dating prospects there.
    3. Have you considered moving somewhere for you? Somewhere with an active athletic community you can join to further your hobby, where you might meet those with like minds?

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by saluk

    There have to be other female athletes who can make you laugh who are a lot closer.
    My guess is he was intrigued with this girl precisely because she was long distance.

    And he too, like her, created this fantasy image that's just never as intriguing as reality for some people.

    Which dating local girls would be, obviously. Less intriguing perhaps even repulsive to him.

    OP, it's not the woman, it's you.

    Look within to find the answer, cause it's there, I promise you.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-13-2019 at 06:59 PM.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is the main reason to get on better dating apps and find better opportunities to find women you can meet in person in a timely fashion. It avoids building up a fantasy in your mind with too much cyber contact that comes to a crashing halt when you finally meet in person.
    Originally Posted by NickOrtiz
    what I thought I saw.

  11. #50
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    Itís not that theyíre repulsive, I just know what Iíve seen (so far anyway). Everybodyó well maybe not everybody, most people within my age range and even hers (which was never too big a deal to me; 95% of women Iíve been involved with have been in her range) here gossip, etc., and itís very hypergamous here. Like I said you have to pretty much be a top dawg out here. I donít know how to describe it....

    And to be honest, after this and multiple bad experiences I want absolutely nothing to do with meeting women online. It ends in nothing but a show. Theyíve got other options, to be fair so do I, and I find from experience too much texting ruins everything. Real life becomes stale and we run out of things to say. I dunno how Iím gonna communicate outside of dates, maybe phone calls but even thatíll get monotonous... Thing is it sucks that thereís more work in approaching people but the hell with it, itís either that or an endless cycle.

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