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Thread: So Confused

  1. #1
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    So Confused

    My ex husband and I were married for 8 months, together for 2 years. We were crazy in love throughout our entire relationship, even when it ended.
    All throughout our relationship, his family never liked me for reasons unknown. I am a shy person naturally so it takes me times to open up to people that are new. Maybe they mistook my calm and reserved demeanor for anger. They complained to my ex that I acted like I was better than them, or stuck up. Even though we had a good time (not always) when they came to visit.
    They live in a different city about 11 hours away, so that was tough on my ex, not being able to see his mom and sister all the time, which I understood, but this was causing him a great deal of sadness. When we would argue, he would tell me that he feels so alone... I would be very saddened by this because I thought me and him were a team and for him to feel alone because of a few petty arguments was hurtful. He made me feel as though I wasn't good enough, no matter what I did, no matter how much I tried to make him happy... he always had some sort of sadness and felt emptiness because his family not being in the same city.

    Eventually this lead to the end of our marriage. He pretty much left me to be with his mom and sister. We had gotten into an argument the day he told me he wanted a divorce, and his mom happened to be visiting that day. He told me he is moving back to his city with or without me. He made the decision so quickly, without giving it a second thought, he put his transfer in the very next week at work, and two weeks later we were signing the divorce papers.

    Anyways to get to the point, my husband left to be in the city his mom and sister live in, he is now living with them, he has his job there, all his friends, but we keep in contact, and he tells me he is not happy without me, he misses me, he loves me more than anything. But then tells me that he does not want to come back and be here with me in my city. I don't understand, if you love someone so much, why are you insisting on staying apart? He insists that any issues we had won't be resolved, and that he doesn't believe people are capable of changing.

    There was always underlying tension whenever his family was around, and that bothered him. he blamed me for this and thought I was the cause of these issues. However I feel as though his family resented me for "taking him" from them and because of that, did not like me. He recently told me that he wants me and wants to be with me, but his mom is so happy to have him back with the family and he couldn't possibly take that happiness away from her, for his own happiness. I just don't understand, he keeps playing with my heart, and I don't know what to do. One minute he wants to come back, the next he says he will never come back. It's been 7 months since our divorce, and he hasn't even attempted to come visit me. It's been 7 months of this going back and forth, him telling me he doesn't know what to do, telling me he wants to be with me, and then saying he won't come back.

    all of this has been very hard, I just don't know what to do. People keep telling me if he loved you, he'd be with you. I'm starting to feel like he doesn't love me even though he tells me all the time. I just feel stuck, I keep hanging onto hope that one day he will wake up and realize what's important to him and finally come back, but his actions tell me otherwise but I am scared to let go.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Why does his not moving back to your city mean that he must not love you, while your not even considering moving to his city isnít even mentioned?

    Why are you so set on forcing him to do something you apparently havenít even considered doing yourself?

    This whole thing feels very one-sided.

  3. #3
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    we were happy here, he had an amazing job, his family visited whenever they wanted, we visited also. He loved his job here, now he is working a job he hates. He said himself he was happy in this city, he was just missing his mom and sister.
    And I told him many times, if he finds a better opportunity in his city, I was open to moving if moving was the best decision for us as a family.

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    My thoughts exactly. Why was moving to his city not an option?

    ... but... (and I hate doing this but...) you DID have a problem with his family. You posted last year about how you felt they were too touchy-feely. Iím sure that was a discussion at least (and they probably felt like you had a problem too?)

    Anyways - personally, I would move on. Marriage is supposed to mean NOT running away from your problems and doing whatever to make it work (including counseling, etc). Itís not dating. I mean... divorce after 8 months is pretty quick. From the outside, that doesnít seem like he put in a whole lot of work to find ways to keep it together. Personally, I would never be able to trust that again.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    He left you for his mother and sister, not for a better job. That pretty much says it all.

    Maybe you should consider cutting ties with all of them and moving on.

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    ďA son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life. Ē

    ― Emily Giffin, Love the One You're With


    Apparently, your ex did not get the memo...

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    He left you for his mother and sister, not for a better job. That pretty much says it all.

    Maybe you should consider cutting ties with all of them and moving on.
    I don't even think he left for his mother and sister, I think he used that as an excuse.

    OP you made several references in your original post to him being very unhappy with you, even telling you he felt so "alone."

    Again, I am not 100% convinced he meant alone as in he misses and needs to be with mom and dad, I mean he's a grown adult for heaven's sake, adults typically cut the emotional cord to their parents between 18-21. Or they should. That was an excuse imo.

    By "alone" I think he meant alone emotionally even while married to you. I don't say that to be hurtful, but my dad expressed the same thing to me while married to my mom, in fact his exact words were "sometimes you can feel more alone while married or in a relationship with the wrong person, than you do when actually on your own."

    So much truth to that I have discovered in my own life and relationships

    I am not sure why he keeps telling you he loves you, I mean look at his actions, he left you, he ended the marriage according your original post.

    I agree with your friends, if he truly loved you, he never would have done that, he wouldn't have felt so "alone" while with you, and you'd be together today.

    I am sorry you're hurting but my advice would be to start taking steps to heal and move on.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by dee0356
    we were happy here, he had an amazing job, his family visited whenever they wanted, we visited also. He loved his job here, now he is working a job he hates. He said himself he was happy in this city, he was just missing his mom and sister.
    And I told him many times, if he finds a better opportunity in his city, I was open to moving if moving was the best decision for us as a family.
    Your opening post on this thread contradicts that notion.

    You were happy there. He, by your own admission, was often sad and not happy. I can guarantee you the move home was not sudden for him. He'd planned it. He just didn't bother cluing you in until the last minute.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If things are so bad apart then maybe you ought to suggest to him that you move there? It's odd that you haven't even brought that up in any of your posts.

    If you don't want to move there to be with him or he doesn't want you to move there to be with him then stop letting him contact you to tell you that he loves you and isn't happy without you there because that's just manipulation and emotional abuse so block him and start taking the steps to move on so you can find someone new if he or you aren't open to moving to be with one another. (Don't expect him to move back to you... he's been there and done that and he didn't like it)

    There is a simple solution. You move there or you sever ties. This limbo you keep one another in isn't doing either of you any good.

  11. #10
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    I'm sorry, but he does not love you and this is clear through his actions .

    He sounds like a manchild that has an unhealthy attachment to his mother and sister.

    You must cut all contact. What he did was disgraceful and unforgivable. You need to gather whatever self esteem you have left and block and delete this guy. You need to go no contact. There is no future.

    You need to treat yourself much better, by putting better people in your life! Stop allowing this!

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