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Thread: So Confused

  1. #11
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    I tried explaining to him many times that me and him were building a family, and his family would always he there, and he shouldnít feel like he was abandoning them. He couldnít grasp the concept that he can have a wife and his mom and sister at the same time, he always felt like he had to choose, and it didnít help that his sister was always nagging him to come back home

  2. #12
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    OP you made several references in your original post to him being very unhappy with you, even telling you he felt so "alone."

    Again, I am not 100% convinced he meant alone as in he misses and needs to be with mom and dad, I mean he's a grown adult for heaven's sake, adults typically cut the emotional cord to their parents between 18-21. Or they should. That was an excuse imo.

    He expressed that he felt alone, but in the same breath would always tell me he was so happy with me. I think he went in to the marriage expecting it to be a fairy tale, but didnít understand that couples fight and it is completely normal for a husband and wife to disagree. When we would fight I would usually shut down and need time before I could talk about it, but he couldnít give me the space I needed to clear my head, always wanted to talk about it right away. And I communicated to him many times that I needed space and then we can discuss. He would be very upset by this and couldnít understand it.
    After 7 months I would think that I would at least be able to start thinking about moving on but I canít and it is killing me. I feel like any issues we had could/can be fixed. But he refuses to even try saying he is too scared to he hurt again, even though he was the one who left without a second thought

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    My thoughts exactly. Why was moving to his city not an option?

    ... but... (and I hate doing this but...) you DID have a problem with his family. You posted last year about how you felt they were too touchy-feely. Iím sure that was a discussion at least (and they probably felt like you had a problem too?)

    Anyways - personally, I would move on. Marriage is supposed to mean NOT running away from your problems and doing whatever to make it work (including counseling, etc). Itís not dating. I mean... divorce after 8 months is pretty quick. From the outside, that doesnít seem like he put in a whole lot of work to find ways to keep it together. Personally, I would never be able to trust that again.
    Yes, I did write about that, I found it odd because my family is very different when it comes to showing affection. Iím not saying itís right or wrong, but in my opinion is was odd. However, I did not have a problem with his family, the problem I had was with the way he would treat me infront of his family, as if I didnít exist. I felt as though anytime they got together, I was merely just there. I tried conversing but only got one word answers from them as if they didnít care to engage in conversation with me. My husband would pay me zero attention but would be all over me when no one was around. I brought this to his attention but he would not acknowledge my feelings, making it seem like I was too needy or I was crazy for feeling those things.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Can you explain why you haven't mentioned moving to him?

    If you don't want to move to him or he doesn't want you to, then can you explain why you haven't told him to leave you alone so you can heal and get over him? If he doesn't want to be with you then what is the point of all of this communication and him telling you he loves you. It means nothing if he won't be with you and it just keeps you mired to him and unable to move on from him.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Can you explain why you haven't mentioned moving to him?

    If you don't want to move to him or he doesn't want you to, then can you explain why you haven't told him to leave you alone so you can heal and get over him? If he doesn't want to be with you then what is the point of all of this communication and him telling you he loves you. It means nothing if he won't be with you and it just keeps you mired to him and unable to move on from him.

    I want to move to him, but the cost of living there is so high, he said weíd have to live with his mother for a while, and he has admitted recently that his mom and sister really donít like me right now. How can I go and live with them? It isnít right.
    He has agreed with me that moving back here would be in our best interest but he cannot disappoint his mom by leaving her again, and risk going through the pain should it not work out. I have told him many times that I am willing to do what it takes to repair the relationship between his family and I, and I am serious about putting in the work, but he will not give me the chance to show him. Him being so far away doesnít help either because I canít show him anything, I can only give him my word and hope that he can trust me.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dee0356
    I want to move to him, but the cost of living there is so high, he said weíd have to live with his mother for a while, and he has admitted recently that his mom and sister really donít like me right now. How can I go and live with them? It isnít right.
    Then why continue talking to a man that has left you to go live with his mother because he can't afford his own place?

    Him saying he loves you... well that is self absorbed and actually quite cruel because he is keeping you mired to him when he has no intention of reconciling with you when he knows his family doesn't like you. He has made his choice and he's an ass-hat.

    He has agreed with me that moving back here would be in our best interest but he cannot disappoint his mom by leaving her again, and risk going through the pain should it not work out.
    Then I will say to that "screw him and the horse he rode in on." I'd be certainly telling him that its over then and please leave me alone so I can move on and find a good man here that isn't being run by his unhealthy, codependent attachment to his mother.

    I have told him many times that I am willing to do what it takes to repair the relationship between his family and I, and I am serious about putting in the work, but he will not give me the chance to show him.
    Then stop letting him emotionally manipulate you, accept your life with him is really over, heal through zero contact and put yourself out there to meet men in your area that are more emotionally mature than your ex husband. You are allowing him to make you lose out on good dating years by keeping yourself mired to him.

    Him being so far away doesnít help either because I canít show him anything, I can only give him my word and hope that he can trust me.
    Give your trust and show your love in actions to a man that deserves you. Your ex does not and he has shown you that in actions. His words mean nothing, they are just words. Free yourself and leave him to his mother and sister.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Past the nitty-gritty of family and geography, what I see here is pretty cut and dry: two people with co-dependent streaks who are deeply incompatible. At this point I'd accept that, and explore the co-dependent stuff, rather than stay in this loop, because if you look at things with some clear eyes I think you'll see that you've spent more time inside of this loop than in anything resembling a healthy a relationship.

    I know that sounds harsh, but it sounds like your eight months of marriage was pretty topsy-turvy. And, well, what have the last 7 months been? Basically more of the same, just without the label and with geographic distance. Kind of sounds like at one point you hoped rushing into marriage would scrub away your compatibility issues, and now you hope getting back together will do the same.

    Doesn't work that way. Where all that "works" is exchanging a lot of draining emotional drama for the reward of not feeling quite alone, though it sounds pretty lonely spiritually, for both of you.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why did you get divorced? He and his overly close family dynamics do not sound healthy. Stay divorced and move on with your life. Do not move in with his family. Divorcing you, moving then asking you to move in with his family, etc. is crazy.

    Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. Work on a self improvement plan. Get some short term therapy to sort out your post divorce life. Take some course and classes, join some groups and clubs. Get in shape, eat better, get more exercise. Update your clothes, look, hair etc.

    Get a good profile and some recent good pics up on quality dating apps. Start messaging and meeting men for a low key coffee and start moving forward, not backward.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If this marriage really had a solid foundation, there wouldn't have been a divorce. A geography issue may have caused a temporary separation, but no divorce papers would have been issued.

    The guy was not happy. Whether that's due to mommy issues or something else, he was not kind to you when his family was around, and that speaks of his disloyalty to you regardless of what he 'says'.

    Actions speak for themselves. He could have had your back in cultivating a relationship with his family, but he became your adversary instead. He could have negotiated a move for both of you or assured you of a temporary separation, but he went legal and divorced you instead.

    So I'd skip the contact and stop settling for crumbs. He wants to romanticize his behavior to avoid viewing himself as the bad guy, but he never offered you any kind of loyalty to back up his unfortunate rewrite of history.

    Head high, and focus on your own healing. You'll gain a whole new perspective on this man when you can make the climb to higher ground--and you'll thank yourself later.

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