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My ex husband and I were married for 8 months, together for 2 years. We were crazy in love throughout our entire relationship, even when it ended.

All throughout our relationship, his family never liked me for reasons unknown. I am a shy person naturally so it takes me times to open up to people that are new. Maybe they mistook my calm and reserved demeanor for anger. They complained to my ex that I acted like I was better than them, or stuck up. Even though we had a good time (not always) when they came to visit.

They live in a different city about 11 hours away, so that was tough on my ex, not being able to see his mom and sister all the time, which I understood, but this was causing him a great deal of sadness. When we would argue, he would tell me that he feels so alone... I would be very saddened by this because I thought me and him were a team and for him to feel alone because of a few petty arguments was hurtful. He made me feel as though I wasn't good enough, no matter what I did, no matter how much I tried to make him happy... he always had some sort of sadness and felt emptiness because his family not being in the same city.

 

Eventually this lead to the end of our marriage. He pretty much left me to be with his mom and sister. We had gotten into an argument the day he told me he wanted a divorce, and his mom happened to be visiting that day. He told me he is moving back to his city with or without me. He made the decision so quickly, without giving it a second thought, he put his transfer in the very next week at work, and two weeks later we were signing the divorce papers.

 

Anyways to get to the point, my husband left to be in the city his mom and sister live in, he is now living with them, he has his job there, all his friends, but we keep in contact, and he tells me he is not happy without me, he misses me, he loves me more than anything. But then tells me that he does not want to come back and be here with me in my city. I don't understand, if you love someone so much, why are you insisting on staying apart? He insists that any issues we had won't be resolved, and that he doesn't believe people are capable of changing.

 

There was always underlying tension whenever his family was around, and that bothered him. he blamed me for this and thought I was the cause of these issues. However I feel as though his family resented me for "taking him" from them and because of that, did not like me. He recently told me that he wants me and wants to be with me, but his mom is so happy to have him back with the family and he couldn't possibly take that happiness away from her, for his own happiness. I just don't understand, he keeps playing with my heart, and I don't know what to do. One minute he wants to come back, the next he says he will never come back. It's been 7 months since our divorce, and he hasn't even attempted to come visit me. It's been 7 months of this going back and forth, him telling me he doesn't know what to do, telling me he wants to be with me, and then saying he won't come back.

 

all of this has been very hard, I just don't know what to do. People keep telling me if he loved you, he'd be with you. I'm starting to feel like he doesn't love me even though he tells me all the time. I just feel stuck, I keep hanging onto hope that one day he will wake up and realize what's important to him and finally come back, but his actions tell me otherwise but I am scared to let go.

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Why does his not moving back to your city mean that he must not love you, while your not even considering moving to his city isn’t even mentioned?

 

Why are you so set on forcing him to do something you apparently haven’t even considered doing yourself?

 

This whole thing feels very one-sided.

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we were happy here, he had an amazing job, his family visited whenever they wanted, we visited also. He loved his job here, now he is working a job he hates. He said himself he was happy in this city, he was just missing his mom and sister.

And I told him many times, if he finds a better opportunity in his city, I was open to moving if moving was the best decision for us as a family.

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My thoughts exactly. Why was moving to his city not an option?

 

... but... (and I hate doing this but...) you DID have a problem with his family. You posted last year about how you felt they were too touchy-feely. I’m sure that was a discussion at least (and they probably felt like you had a problem too?)

 

Anyways - personally, I would move on. Marriage is supposed to mean NOT running away from your problems and doing whatever to make it work (including counseling, etc). It’s not dating. I mean... divorce after 8 months is pretty quick. From the outside, that doesn’t seem like he put in a whole lot of work to find ways to keep it together. Personally, I would never be able to trust that again.

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He left you for his mother and sister, not for a better job. That pretty much says it all.

 

Maybe you should consider cutting ties with all of them and moving on.

 

I don't even think he left for his mother and sister, I think he used that as an excuse.

 

OP you made several references in your original post to him being very unhappy with you, even telling you he felt so "alone."

 

Again, I am not 100% convinced he meant alone as in he misses and needs to be with mom and dad, I mean he's a grown adult for heaven's sake, adults typically cut the emotional cord to their parents between 18-21. Or they should. That was an excuse imo.

 

By "alone" I think he meant alone emotionally even while married to you. I don't say that to be hurtful, but my dad expressed the same thing to me while married to my mom, in fact his exact words were "sometimes you can feel more alone while married or in a relationship with the wrong person, than you do when actually on your own."

 

So much truth to that I have discovered in my own life and relationships

 

I am not sure why he keeps telling you he loves you, I mean look at his actions, he left you, he ended the marriage according your original post.

 

I agree with your friends, if he truly loved you, he never would have done that, he wouldn't have felt so "alone" while with you, and you'd be together today.

 

I am sorry you're hurting but my advice would be to start taking steps to heal and move on.

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we were happy here, he had an amazing job, his family visited whenever they wanted, we visited also. He loved his job here, now he is working a job he hates. He said himself he was happy in this city, he was just missing his mom and sister.

And I told him many times, if he finds a better opportunity in his city, I was open to moving if moving was the best decision for us as a family.

 

Your opening post on this thread contradicts that notion.

 

You were happy there. He, by your own admission, was often sad and not happy. I can guarantee you the move home was not sudden for him. He'd planned it. He just didn't bother cluing you in until the last minute.

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If things are so bad apart then maybe you ought to suggest to him that you move there? It's odd that you haven't even brought that up in any of your posts.

 

If you don't want to move there to be with him or he doesn't want you to move there to be with him then stop letting him contact you to tell you that he loves you and isn't happy without you there because that's just manipulation and emotional abuse so block him and start taking the steps to move on so you can find someone new if he or you aren't open to moving to be with one another. (Don't expect him to move back to you... he's been there and done that and he didn't like it)

 

There is a simple solution. You move there or you sever ties. This limbo you keep one another in isn't doing either of you any good.

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I'm sorry, but he does not love you and this is clear through his actions .

 

He sounds like a manchild that has an unhealthy attachment to his mother and sister.

 

You must cut all contact. What he did was disgraceful and unforgivable. You need to gather whatever self esteem you have left and block and delete this guy. You need to go no contact. There is no future.

 

You need to treat yourself much better, by putting better people in your life! Stop allowing this!

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I tried explaining to him many times that me and him were building a family, and his family would always he there, and he shouldn’t feel like he was abandoning them. He couldn’t grasp the concept that he can have a wife and his mom and sister at the same time, he always felt like he had to choose, and it didn’t help that his sister was always nagging him to come back home

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OP you made several references in your original post to him being very unhappy with you, even telling you he felt so "alone."

 

Again, I am not 100% convinced he meant alone as in he misses and needs to be with mom and dad, I mean he's a grown adult for heaven's sake, adults typically cut the emotional cord to their parents between 18-21. Or they should. That was an excuse imo.

 

He expressed that he felt alone, but in the same breath would always tell me he was so happy with me. I think he went in to the marriage expecting it to be a fairy tale, but didn’t understand that couples fight and it is completely normal for a husband and wife to disagree. When we would fight I would usually shut down and need time before I could talk about it, but he couldn’t give me the space I needed to clear my head, always wanted to talk about it right away. And I communicated to him many times that I needed space and then we can discuss. He would be very upset by this and couldn’t understand it.

After 7 months I would think that I would at least be able to start thinking about moving on but I can’t and it is killing me. I feel like any issues we had could/can be fixed. But he refuses to even try saying he is too scared to he hurt again, even though he was the one who left without a second thought

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My thoughts exactly. Why was moving to his city not an option?

 

... but... (and I hate doing this but...) you DID have a problem with his family. You posted last year about how you felt they were too touchy-feely. I’m sure that was a discussion at least (and they probably felt like you had a problem too?)

 

Anyways - personally, I would move on. Marriage is supposed to mean NOT running away from your problems and doing whatever to make it work (including counseling, etc). It’s not dating. I mean... divorce after 8 months is pretty quick. From the outside, that doesn’t seem like he put in a whole lot of work to find ways to keep it together. Personally, I would never be able to trust that again.

 

Yes, I did write about that, I found it odd because my family is very different when it comes to showing affection. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but in my opinion is was odd. However, I did not have a problem with his family, the problem I had was with the way he would treat me infront of his family, as if I didn’t exist. I felt as though anytime they got together, I was merely just there. I tried conversing but only got one word answers from them as if they didn’t care to engage in conversation with me. My husband would pay me zero attention but would be all over me when no one was around. I brought this to his attention but he would not acknowledge my feelings, making it seem like I was too needy or I was crazy for feeling those things.

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Can you explain why you haven't mentioned moving to him?

 

If you don't want to move to him or he doesn't want you to, then can you explain why you haven't told him to leave you alone so you can heal and get over him? If he doesn't want to be with you then what is the point of all of this communication and him telling you he loves you. It means nothing if he won't be with you and it just keeps you mired to him and unable to move on from him.

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Can you explain why you haven't mentioned moving to him?

 

If you don't want to move to him or he doesn't want you to, then can you explain why you haven't told him to leave you alone so you can heal and get over him? If he doesn't want to be with you then what is the point of all of this communication and him telling you he loves you. It means nothing if he won't be with you and it just keeps you mired to him and unable to move on from him.

 

 

I want to move to him, but the cost of living there is so high, he said we’d have to live with his mother for a while, and he has admitted recently that his mom and sister really don’t like me right now. How can I go and live with them? It isn’t right.

He has agreed with me that moving back here would be in our best interest but he cannot disappoint his mom by leaving her again, and risk going through the pain should it not work out. I have told him many times that I am willing to do what it takes to repair the relationship between his family and I, and I am serious about putting in the work, but he will not give me the chance to show him. Him being so far away doesn’t help either because I can’t show him anything, I can only give him my word and hope that he can trust me.

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I want to move to him, but the cost of living there is so high, he said we’d have to live with his mother for a while, and he has admitted recently that his mom and sister really don’t like me right now. How can I go and live with them? It isn’t right.
Then why continue talking to a man that has left you to go live with his mother because he can't afford his own place?

 

Him saying he loves you... well that is self absorbed and actually quite cruel because he is keeping you mired to him when he has no intention of reconciling with you when he knows his family doesn't like you. He has made his choice and he's an ass-hat.

 

He has agreed with me that moving back here would be in our best interest but he cannot disappoint his mom by leaving her again, and risk going through the pain should it not work out.
Then I will say to that "screw him and the horse he rode in on." I'd be certainly telling him that its over then and please leave me alone so I can move on and find a good man here that isn't being run by his unhealthy, codependent attachment to his mother.

 

I have told him many times that I am willing to do what it takes to repair the relationship between his family and I, and I am serious about putting in the work, but he will not give me the chance to show him.
Then stop letting him emotionally manipulate you, accept your life with him is really over, heal through zero contact and put yourself out there to meet men in your area that are more emotionally mature than your ex husband. You are allowing him to make you lose out on good dating years by keeping yourself mired to him.

 

Him being so far away doesn’t help either because I can’t show him anything, I can only give him my word and hope that he can trust me.
Give your trust and show your love in actions to a man that deserves you. Your ex does not and he has shown you that in actions. His words mean nothing, they are just words. Free yourself and leave him to his mother and sister.
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Past the nitty-gritty of family and geography, what I see here is pretty cut and dry: two people with co-dependent streaks who are deeply incompatible. At this point I'd accept that, and explore the co-dependent stuff, rather than stay in this loop, because if you look at things with some clear eyes I think you'll see that you've spent more time inside of this loop than in anything resembling a healthy a relationship.

 

I know that sounds harsh, but it sounds like your eight months of marriage was pretty topsy-turvy. And, well, what have the last 7 months been? Basically more of the same, just without the label and with geographic distance. Kind of sounds like at one point you hoped rushing into marriage would scrub away your compatibility issues, and now you hope getting back together will do the same.

 

Doesn't work that way. Where all that "works" is exchanging a lot of draining emotional drama for the reward of not feeling quite alone, though it sounds pretty lonely spiritually, for both of you.

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Why did you get divorced? He and his overly close family dynamics do not sound healthy. Stay divorced and move on with your life. Do not move in with his family. Divorcing you, moving then asking you to move in with his family, etc. is crazy.

 

Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. Work on a self improvement plan. Get some short term therapy to sort out your post divorce life. Take some course and classes, join some groups and clubs. Get in shape, eat better, get more exercise. Update your clothes, look, hair etc.

 

Get a good profile and some recent good pics up on quality dating apps. Start messaging and meeting men for a low key coffee and start moving forward, not backward.

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If this marriage really had a solid foundation, there wouldn't have been a divorce. A geography issue may have caused a temporary separation, but no divorce papers would have been issued.

 

The guy was not happy. Whether that's due to mommy issues or something else, he was not kind to you when his family was around, and that speaks of his disloyalty to you regardless of what he 'says'.

 

Actions speak for themselves. He could have had your back in cultivating a relationship with his family, but he became your adversary instead. He could have negotiated a move for both of you or assured you of a temporary separation, but he went legal and divorced you instead.

 

So I'd skip the contact and stop settling for crumbs. He wants to romanticize his behavior to avoid viewing himself as the bad guy, but he never offered you any kind of loyalty to back up his unfortunate rewrite of history.

 

Head high, and focus on your own healing. You'll gain a whole new perspective on this man when you can make the climb to higher ground--and you'll thank yourself later.

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