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My best friend has shut me out since my dad passed


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Hello all,

I wasn’t sure wether to put this in friendship category or this one, because ultimately my problem I’m dealing with is with a friendship. But I decided to post it here in the grief section to get some others opinions who may have dealt with something similar. Thanks in advance everyone!

 

My dad passed away 2 months ago today. It was very sudden and unexpected - a heart attack. He was only 64. I’m only 29.. to say the least it was traumatic and devastating. My dad and I were very close, we were best friends. Obviously it’s been hard, I’ve been helping my mom every single day dealing with the loss of her true love of 40 years. So it’s been hard but the days are slowly getting easier.

 

My best friend of 12 years at first was very sincere and considerate. She sent me a couple of nice texts, came to the funeral and reception (but didn’t say anything to me other than “I’m so sorry” - literally nothing else). I could tell from the get go that this was hard for her as well as she has never lost anyone close to her before, and this is the first time a close friend of hers has lost someone close. These are new emotions for her that she’s never experienced before. I totally get that. And at first I didn’t show any sign of concern about anything because I figured she needed to deal with some emotions too. **side note her and my dad were not close, they of course knew each other well but they didn’t see each other very often - Just clearing that up**

 

In the 2 months that have gone by since I lost my dad I have barely heard from her and I have not seen her at all. When I do get a text or something from her it’s small talk/little random stuff. She has not once asked to go out and do something - despite me telling her a month ago I really missed her and wanted to see her. I told her I need my best friend and wanna get out of the house and do something. She then hung out with other mutual friends (several times), puts pictures up all over social media knowing I will see them. But didn’t invite me to tag along to any of these. I have asked her in these 2 months about 4 or 5 times to get together and hang out, get dinner or just anything, and every single time she has blown me off and come up with an excuse. My dad’s birthday was recent (a month after he passed) and I wanted her to be there. We were getting together with some close friends and family at his favorite bar to celebrate. She said she would come and then the day of the gathering she said something came up. Didn’t apologize or anything, just “something came up”.

 

 

Finally yesterday I texted her and asked if anything was wrong or if I had done something to upset her. She just said no. I sent her another text and nothing.

 

 

I just don’t understand.. it’s like she’s avoiding me, won’t talk to me.. grief is already very isolating and this is just making it worse. I feel like shes waiting for this grief to pass and then she’ll come back around. She just doesn’t want to be around for any of it. I understand it’s hard to console someone when you’re not sure what to do or how to do it. But completely running from it and avoiding it just makes that person feel worse. It’s still common decency to show up and say “I’m here if you need anything”. She hasn’t done this at all.

 

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? I know that hard times bring out people’s true colors. You learn through loss who’s there for you and who isn’t. But I’m just so disappointed with how selfish she’s being.. this is my best friend. I’ve been there for her through so much and this is the one time I’ve needed her.

 

I guess the advice I’m looking for is do I reach out to her again? Do I tell her how I’m feeling about her actions and how they’ve hurt me? I’m just on the fence about it. It’s all I can think about lately because I don’t have many other friends. Not one friend has called to check on me. I was just counting on her to be here. And I’d hate to go through the loss and grief of losing my best friend on top of losing my dad.

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In my opinion, no. You don't reach out again because in almost all likelihood you'll be met with the same confusing and frustrating results you've been getting.

 

I can understand, to a degree, that if you're loving life and just want to have a good time, tagging along with someone who could potentially bring the mood down and be a bummer the whole time might be a vibe she doesn't want to deal with. But to not be able to sacrifice just a day here and there to console a good friend going through something so difficult is just beyond low and selfish. There could be a myriad of factors as to why she's being this way and you may never know or understand them, but this is how she's chosen to deal with your loss, by being the opposite of a friend.

 

I'm so sorry you can't rely on her for support but unfortunately pushing the issue will only make you feel worse. You have to accept that she's not in your corner in this tragic hand of cards you've been dealt. Whether that's forgivable to you or not is your choice, but for now you'll have to find support elsewhere. I dearly hope you can find at least one person in your life to help get you out and having fun, or distract you in what way they can.

 

Have you considered seeing a grief counselor?

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People have different ways of processing or handling grief, and it could be that your friend doesn't know how to do that for you. So rather than say the wrong thing, she just flat out dipped. It sucks, but it happens a lot.

 

I'm really sorry for your loss, by the way.

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I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Please do not excuse her behavior. I do not care if she has never lost anyone or is not close to her father. her actions are unacceptable and hurtful

 

I have lost a parent and a brother. Most people will go above and beyond, but some won't. One of my best friends was just like yours. She is no longer my friend. She had texted me twice after my brother's death-no phone call- within two months. Then, she started calling- I ignored several of the calls as I had to get my head together as what to say-when I did respond, I told her that I cared for her, but that I was not getting what I needed from the friendship. I was done. She deflected, and said I was too sensitive. Nice. I wished her well, as that was it. I do not want people like this in my life. I reflected on the friendship, and realized that it was superficial, and she had had a history of not being there in difficult times.

 

I would not reach out, and I would be honest as to what type of friend she has been. You do not need people like this in your life.

 

Focus on the people who have been there, and look to develop new friendships.

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Normally, I'd give friends the benefit of the doubt in that they don't know what I need and how to respond.....however, in your case, you have spoken up multiple times. You've been clear about what you need and she has chosen to avoid you. I'm sorry and hugs. This is really horrible. That said, I'd demote her from best friend or even friend role. She did show you her colors and the fact that her world only goes one way - her and herself and her needs only.

 

Since you have reached out multiple times and got ignored, I wouldn't bother anymore. Focus on other people in your life, other friends, cultivate new friends. It takes work and patience, but it's worth it in the long run. Rather than sitting feeling lonely and hurt by her, try to get out, explore some new hobbies, interests, maybe check out meetup.com and see if you can meet more people. Even if you don't connect with anyone, having some fresh things to do might be a welcome relief.

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OP I am so sorry :( I see this happen a lot and for some reason it always seems to happen with someone we we thought would be there no matter what. This is the type of thing that lets us know who will be there when the chips are down and who is just there for a good time.

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People have different ways of processing or handling grief, and it could be that your friend doesn't know how to do that for you. So rather than say the wrong thing, she just flat out dipped. It sucks, but it happens a lot.

 

I'm really sorry for your loss, by the way.

 

I want to add to this and say that you shouldn't excuse her, though. You've stated how you felt multiple times and she hasn't reciprocated. If you stay friends with her, now you know where you fall in her priorities, and you should think of her the same.

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" this is my best friend. I’ve been there for her through so much and this is the one time I’ve needed her."

This says it all.

 

I think you need to address all of the people you are choosing to be your friends. Many times, we need a tragedy to make some necessary changes. After my brother died, it woke me up to the type of people I was befriending, due to low self esteem and non existent boundaries. I got rid of those friends, and have made better choices in my friends.

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" this is my best friend. I’ve been there for her through so much and this is the one time I’ve needed her."

This says it all.

 

Pretty hard to argue with this at all.

 

OP, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Again, I urge you to try out a grief counselor if you have no one else to turn to. Allow your mother and you to lean on each other as much as is necessary for either of you. You will get through this in time.

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Sorry to hear this. Sometimes friends just don't know what to do or say. Let time heal. Don't be hard on yourself or anyone else. Consider some short term therapy to unpack and sort all this. Also see if there are local bereavement support groups to talk about things.

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Two things:

She's not the good friend you thought she was.

Second, grief makes people very uncomfortable.

 

 

I am very sorry about the loss of your father. Huge loses like this cause you to re-evaluate what is important in your life.

 

My mom passed away the end of last year and though all my friends and acquaintances contacted me, I didn't hear from my best friend until 10 days later. She called and vented for 10 minutes about her job and then asked me how my mom was. Imagine the response when I told her she had passed away the previous week. She insisted she didn't know, but the problem here was everyone else had been checking on me for updates, yet she was her typical self absorbed self and hadn't. So, of course she wouldn't know.

If it had been her mother, I'd be checking on her daily.

 

It's been 7 months and we've moved passed it, but our friendship has never been the same. Not for that very episode, but an accumulation of things and me being at place in my life that I am re-evaluating priorities. I don't have room in my life for lopsided relationships.

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Two things:

She's not the good friend you thought she was.

Second, grief makes people very uncomfortable.

 

 

I am very sorry about the loss of your father. Huge loses like this cause you to re-evaluate what is important in your life.

 

My mom passed away the end of last year and though all my friends and acquaintances contacted me, I didn't hear from my best friend until 10 days later. She called and vented for 10 minutes about her job and then asked me how my mom was. Imagine the response when I told her she had passed away the previous week. She insisted she didn't know, but the problem here was everyone else had been checking on me for updates, yet she was her typical self absorbed self and hadn't. So, of course she wouldn't know.

If it had been her mother, I'd be checking on her daily.

 

It's been 7 months and we've moved passed it, but our friendship has never been the same. Not for that very episode, but an accumulation of things and me being at place in my life that I am re-evaluating priorities. I don't have room in my life for lopsided relationships.

 

So sorry for the loss of your mother.

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LikeWater, thank you so much for your response. It seems most of the other responders agree with you. And I have to say I do too now after reading the other comments. I guess I just can’t yet get past the disappointment. But in time I’m sure I will. I’m hoping she’ll come around and apologize, but until then I know I need to leave it alone. So thank you again. I haven’t considered seeing a counselor at all but it may be something I look into.

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People have different ways of processing or handling grief, and it could be that your friend doesn't know how to do that for you. So rather than say the wrong thing, she just flat out dipped. It sucks, but it happens a lot.

 

I'm really sorry for your loss, by the way.

 

 

Thank you so much. It’s a shame and disappointing when a very close friend can’t put aside their selfishness for a little bit to be there for you. I appreciate your response!

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I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Please do not excuse her behavior. I do not care if she has never lost anyone or is not close to her father. her actions are unacceptable and hurtful

 

I have lost a parent and a brother. Most people will go above and beyond, but some won't. One of my best friends was just like yours. She is no longer my friend. She had texted me twice after my brother's death-no phone call- within two months. Then, she started calling- I ignored several of the calls as I had to get my head together as what to say-when I did respond, I told her that I cared for her, but that I was not getting what I needed from the friendship. I was done. She deflected, and said I was too sensitive. Nice. I wished her well, as that was it. I do not want people like this in my life. I reflected on the friendship, and realized that it was superficial, and she had had a history of not being there in difficult times.

 

I would not reach out, and I would be honest as to what type of friend she has been. You do not need people like this in your life.

 

Focus on the people who have been there, and look to develop new friendships.

 

Thanks so much for your reply and advice. I lost my brother many years ago as well. It’s so hurtful to experience close friends not being there when you need them, especially in these life changing moments. I’m sorry about your experience with crappy friends also. I’m just having trouble getting past the disappointment I guess.

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Normally, I'd give friends the benefit of the doubt in that they don't know what I need and how to respond.....however, in your case, you have spoken up multiple times. You've been clear about what you need and she has chosen to avoid you. I'm sorry and hugs. This is really horrible. That said, I'd demote her from best friend or even friend role. She did show you her colors and the fact that her world only goes one way - her and herself and her needs only.

 

Since you have reached out multiple times and got ignored, I wouldn't bother anymore. Focus on other people in your life, other friends, cultivate new friends. It takes work and patience, but it's worth it in the long run. Rather than sitting feeling lonely and hurt by her, try to get out, explore some new hobbies, interests, maybe check out meetup.com and see if you can meet more people. Even if you don't connect with anyone, having some fresh things to do might be a welcome relief.

 

You’re definitely right and I have recently reached out to a few friends that I haven’t seen in awhile and it was great catching up with them. We’ve already made plans to hang out again soon. I’m very happy I reached out to them.

 

And I think that’s what hurts the most - the fact that I told her I really needed some friend time and she chose to ignore that and act like it never happened. I’m just disappointed. :/

 

Thank you so much for your response

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OP I am so sorry :( I see this happen a lot and for some reason it always seems to happen with someone we we thought would be there no matter what. This is the type of thing that lets us know who will be there when the chips are down and who is just there for a good time.

 

 

Thank you so much for the kind words. I always thought she’d be here for me through good and bad times. But as I reflect on the past few years of our friendship I am now realizing the toxicity in the friendship that has been building up and getting worse over time. This is the last straw for me... lowest of the low. I’m in a vulnerable state right now so it’s hard to act tough about it. But I know with time I’ll get stronger. Thank you again

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I want to add to this and say that you shouldn't excuse her, though. You've stated how you felt multiple times and she hasn't reciprocated. If you stay friends with her, now you know where you fall in her priorities, and you should think of her the same.

 

Exactly. I know now that I need to set boundaries and if she comes back around I will definitely make sure she knows that how she treated me isn’t okay. Thank you again

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Pretty hard to argue with this at all.

 

OP, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Again, I urge you to try out a grief counselor if you have no one else to turn to. Allow your mother and you to lean on each other as much as is necessary for either of you. You will get through this in time.

 

Thank you again, so much. I sent a reply to you already on your initial comment but I didn’t do it the proper way. But really thank you again

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Sorry to hear this. Sometimes friends just don't know what to do or say. Let time heal. Don't be hard on yourself or anyone else. Consider some short term therapy to unpack and sort all this. Also see if there are local bereavement support groups to talk about things.

 

I just looked some up and found a couple of them. Thank you for that. I understand it can be hard because I’ve been the friend before in her situation where I really didn’t know what to do or say. And it was scary. I just wish she would have still showed up for me, physically. Not just a couple of texts. But I do understand and you’re right. Thank you for the reminder to not be too hard on myself or anyone else.

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Two things:

She's not the good friend you thought she was.

Second, grief makes people very uncomfortable.

 

 

I am very sorry about the loss of your father. Huge loses like this cause you to re-evaluate what is important in your life.

 

My mom passed away the end of last year and though all my friends and acquaintances contacted me, I didn't hear from my best friend until 10 days later. She called and vented for 10 minutes about her job and then asked me how my mom was. Imagine the response when I told her she had passed away the previous week. She insisted she didn't know, but the problem here was everyone else had been checking on me for updates, yet she was her typical self absorbed self and hadn't. So, of course she wouldn't know.

If it had been her mother, I'd be checking on her daily.

 

It's been 7 months and we've moved passed it, but our friendship has never been the same. Not for that very episode, but an accumulation of things and me being at place in my life that I am re-evaluating priorities. I don't have room in my life for lopsided relationships.

 

I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry about your selfish friend. I totally understand that these situations are uncomfortable for most people. Unfortunately if someone hasn’t experienced the death of a loved one then they will never know until it happens to them. In my case my best friend has never experienced that, so she just doesn’t know. I know I can’t blame her for her lack of experience. But the lack of just common decency is what upsets me. I’m sure you understand based on your experience you had too. It’s just disappointing. Thank you again for your response

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I'm very sorry for your tremendous loss, undertheivy.

 

My father passed away long ago and friends are a mixed bag. A neighbor brought a casserole and a gathered a collection for a money gift in a sympathy card which was thoughtful. Among our family and friends, whenever there's a birth, wedding or death, it's about giving money; sometimes a lot or it's as much as one can afford to give. We received money from them. Some friends and family visited my mother's house.

 

Then there are other friends who've never experienced dealing with a friend's grief and mourning. A lot of people don't know what to do so they just drop you. My friend did this to me long ago. She later apologized decades later when we rekindled our friendship. Not that you have to wait this long to reconcile but it happens.

 

My mother said if you don't expect, you won't get hurt. Let your friend be. Don't bother. Don't anticipate. Leave her alone. Either she'll come around one day or your friendship will fizzle and fade away. It's common.

 

I'm different. I bring homecooked dinners for the bereft. (Same with illness, post-surgery, new baby, financial hardship, death, etc.) That's just me.

 

No, don't reach out. No, don't tell her how you feel. You'll only stir up awkwardness, she'll get defensive and an argument will ensue. Don't beg for friends.

 

Allow yourself time to grieve and mourn your tremendous loss which could take many months as it did for me. You can join a church, support group, meetups, exercise - local walking group, sports exercise club or something to find friends. School? Exercise because it's a great stress reliever.

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My heart goes out to you for your loss.

 

... I am now realizing the toxicity in the friendship that has been building up and getting worse over time. ...

 

Unfortunately, this is often the case with historic friendships. When someone has been a fixture in our lives for years, we often overlook toxic qualities as they develop because the changes can be gradual. We're dealing with someone who feels like family, and so we write off stuff that we wouldn't tolerate in a newer friend.

 

With someone new, our trust meter is more likely set to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, and lousy behavior shows up more prominently as a signal to withdraw trust and distance ourselves. However, with historic friends, our trust meter has long been established at a unquestionable 9 or 10, and so our investment in that person overrides the signals to withdraw trust--until they pull a whopper.

 

Yes, that hurts. The combo plate of their disregard AND our long established trust adds a degree of insult to the injury. However, we are in control over our own response to this. This means we get to choose the degree of harm we will inflict on ourselves with our own behavior.

 

The inclination may be a total write-off, and done--or worse, a confrontation that compromises our own well being for some dramatic face-off with the offender. That's not necessary: we don't need to regress into hurtful behavior that cuts both ways. Lashing out is a primitive reaction carried by a desire to punish a wrong. However, when we can keep that reaction in check, we take ownership of our capacity to act in our own best interests, instead.

 

Who needs enemies? It's far more difficult to heal from grief and cultivate a fabulous future for ourselves when we know that our choice to punish someone has created an adversary on the planet. It's far easier to distance ourselves without burning bridges, because this signals to ourselves that we've retained our ability to invest in trust that people can (and sometimes do) evolve over time when left on their own devices. People can someday grow into a mature capacity for reflection. This fact allows you to operate in a more liberated way than holding a grudge--because grudges hurt US rather than the target.

 

Young friendships often diverge. This is natural, because we each grow into our own capabilities at different rates. You've outgrown this friend, and now you get to decide whether you can accept that gracefully, or whether you'll inflict unnecessary harm on yourself in order to punish the other.

 

Head high, read my sig, and choose wisely. You will thank yourself later.

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I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry about your selfish friend. I totally understand that these situations are uncomfortable for most people. Unfortunately if someone hasn’t experienced the death of a loved one then they will never know until it happens to them. In my case my best friend has never experienced that, so she just doesn’t know. I know I can’t blame her for her lack of experience. But the lack of just common decency is what upsets me. I’m sure you understand based on your experience you had too. It’s just disappointing. Thank you again for your response

 

I think the issue you have is that your friend doesn't know what to do here. Let's say you say you want to hang out right? Hang out and do what? You will be crying and she'll want to do something fun. You're not going to want to do something fun because you're crying and so she's going to go home. If you invite her to your dad's birthday get together, same issue. She doesn't know if she should make jokes or act like everything is great because she doesn't feel anything or if she should just stay away because she doesn't feel sad at all.

 

I personally, like making jokes and people find me funny despite not wanting to. I'm not a good guy at a funeral. I like smiling and it gives the wrong impression to people. I can do "there there" for about five minutes, I couldn't hang out on it. If you need a break for crying and want to laugh I'm a great friend to be around. Maybe your friend is funny too and has the same problem.

 

Also, sorry for your loss.

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I'm very sorry for your tremendous loss, undertheivy.

 

My father passed away long ago and friends are a mixed bag. A neighbor brought a casserole and a gathered a collection for a money gift in a sympathy card which was thoughtful. Among our family and friends, whenever there's a birth, wedding or death, it's about giving money; sometimes a lot or it's as much as one can afford to give. We received money from them. Some friends and family visited my mother's house.

 

Then there are other friends who've never experienced dealing with a friend's grief and mourning. A lot of people don't know what to do so they just drop you. My friend did this to me long ago. She later apologized decades later when we rekindled our friendship. Not that you have to wait this long to reconcile but it happens.

 

My mother said if you don't expect, you won't get hurt. Let your friend be. Don't bother. Don't anticipate. Leave her alone. Either she'll come around one day or your friendship will fizzle and fade away. It's common.

 

I'm different. I bring homecooked dinners for the bereft. (Same with illness, post-surgery, new baby, financial hardship, death, etc.) That's just me.

 

No, don't reach out. No, don't tell her how you feel. You'll only stir up awkwardness, she'll get defensive and an argument will ensue. Don't beg for friends.

 

Allow yourself time to grieve and mourn your tremendous loss which could take many months as it did for me. You can join a church, support group, meetups, exercise - local walking group, sports exercise club or something to find friends. School? Exercise because it's a great stress reliever.

 

Thanks so much for your advice. It truly helps. So far each person has said not to reach out. I still haven’t heard a single word from her, and I was the last person to say something and was waiting for a response - but nothing. That’s okay though. I think everyone is right and I should leave it be for now. It’s just hard :/ I have good and bad days. I’ll definitely look into some of the ideas you suggested so I can get myself out of the house. Thank you again

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