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Thread: My best friend has shut me out since my dad passed

  1. #1
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    My best friend has shut me out since my dad passed

    Hello all,
    I wasnít sure wether to put this in friendship category or this one, because ultimately my problem Iím dealing with is with a friendship. But I decided to post it here in the grief section to get some others opinions who may have dealt with something similar. Thanks in advance everyone!

    My dad passed away 2 months ago today. It was very sudden and unexpected - a heart attack. He was only 64. Iím only 29.. to say the least it was traumatic and devastating. My dad and I were very close, we were best friends. Obviously itís been hard, Iíve been helping my mom every single day dealing with the loss of her true love of 40 years. So itís been hard but the days are slowly getting easier.

    My best friend of 12 years at first was very sincere and considerate. She sent me a couple of nice texts, came to the funeral and reception (but didnít say anything to me other than ďIím so sorryĒ - literally nothing else). I could tell from the get go that this was hard for her as well as she has never lost anyone close to her before, and this is the first time a close friend of hers has lost someone close. These are new emotions for her that sheís never experienced before. I totally get that. And at first I didnít show any sign of concern about anything because I figured she needed to deal with some emotions too. **side note her and my dad were not close, they of course knew each other well but they didnít see each other very often - Just clearing that up**

    In the 2 months that have gone by since I lost my dad I have barely heard from her and I have not seen her at all. When I do get a text or something from her itís small talk/little random stuff. She has not once asked to go out and do something - despite me telling her a month ago I really missed her and wanted to see her. I told her I need my best friend and wanna get out of the house and do something. She then hung out with other mutual friends (several times), puts pictures up all over social media knowing I will see them. But didnít invite me to tag along to any of these. I have asked her in these 2 months about 4 or 5 times to get together and hang out, get dinner or just anything, and every single time she has blown me off and come up with an excuse. My dadís birthday was recent (a month after he passed) and I wanted her to be there. We were getting together with some close friends and family at his favorite bar to celebrate. She said she would come and then the day of the gathering she said something came up. Didnít apologize or anything, just ďsomething came upĒ.


    Finally yesterday I texted her and asked if anything was wrong or if I had done something to upset her. She just said no. I sent her another text and nothing.


    I just donít understand.. itís like sheís avoiding me, wonít talk to me.. grief is already very isolating and this is just making it worse. I feel like shes waiting for this grief to pass and then sheíll come back around. She just doesnít want to be around for any of it. I understand itís hard to console someone when youíre not sure what to do or how to do it. But completely running from it and avoiding it just makes that person feel worse. Itís still common decency to show up and say ďIím here if you need anythingĒ. She hasnít done this at all.

    Has anyone else dealt with something similar? I know that hard times bring out peopleís true colors. You learn through loss whoís there for you and who isnít. But Iím just so disappointed with how selfish sheís being.. this is my best friend. Iíve been there for her through so much and this is the one time Iíve needed her.

    I guess the advice Iím looking for is do I reach out to her again? Do I tell her how Iím feeling about her actions and how theyíve hurt me? Iím just on the fence about it. Itís all I can think about lately because I donít have many other friends. Not one friend has called to check on me. I was just counting on her to be here. And Iíd hate to go through the loss and grief of losing my best friend on top of losing my dad.

  2. #2
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    In my opinion, no. You don't reach out again because in almost all likelihood you'll be met with the same confusing and frustrating results you've been getting.

    I can understand, to a degree, that if you're loving life and just want to have a good time, tagging along with someone who could potentially bring the mood down and be a bummer the whole time might be a vibe she doesn't want to deal with. But to not be able to sacrifice just a day here and there to console a good friend going through something so difficult is just beyond low and selfish. There could be a myriad of factors as to why she's being this way and you may never know or understand them, but this is how she's chosen to deal with your loss, by being the opposite of a friend.

    I'm so sorry you can't rely on her for support but unfortunately pushing the issue will only make you feel worse. You have to accept that she's not in your corner in this tragic hand of cards you've been dealt. Whether that's forgivable to you or not is your choice, but for now you'll have to find support elsewhere. I dearly hope you can find at least one person in your life to help get you out and having fun, or distract you in what way they can.

    Have you considered seeing a grief counselor?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    People have different ways of processing or handling grief, and it could be that your friend doesn't know how to do that for you. So rather than say the wrong thing, she just flat out dipped. It sucks, but it happens a lot.

    I'm really sorry for your loss, by the way. <3

  4. #4
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    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Please do not excuse her behavior. I do not care if she has never lost anyone or is not close to her father. her actions are unacceptable and hurtful

    I have lost a parent and a brother. Most people will go above and beyond, but some won't. One of my best friends was just like yours. She is no longer my friend. She had texted me twice after my brother's death-no phone call- within two months. Then, she started calling- I ignored several of the calls as I had to get my head together as what to say-when I did respond, I told her that I cared for her, but that I was not getting what I needed from the friendship. I was done. She deflected, and said I was too sensitive. Nice. I wished her well, as that was it. I do not want people like this in my life. I reflected on the friendship, and realized that it was superficial, and she had had a history of not being there in difficult times.

    I would not reach out, and I would be honest as to what type of friend she has been. You do not need people like this in your life.

    Focus on the people who have been there, and look to develop new friendships.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-12-2019 at 01:47 PM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Normally, I'd give friends the benefit of the doubt in that they don't know what I need and how to respond.....however, in your case, you have spoken up multiple times. You've been clear about what you need and she has chosen to avoid you. I'm sorry and hugs. This is really horrible. That said, I'd demote her from best friend or even friend role. She did show you her colors and the fact that her world only goes one way - her and herself and her needs only.

    Since you have reached out multiple times and got ignored, I wouldn't bother anymore. Focus on other people in your life, other friends, cultivate new friends. It takes work and patience, but it's worth it in the long run. Rather than sitting feeling lonely and hurt by her, try to get out, explore some new hobbies, interests, maybe check out meetup.com and see if you can meet more people. Even if you don't connect with anyone, having some fresh things to do might be a welcome relief.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP I am so sorry :( I see this happen a lot and for some reason it always seems to happen with someone we we thought would be there no matter what. This is the type of thing that lets us know who will be there when the chips are down and who is just there for a good time.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by WithLove
    People have different ways of processing or handling grief, and it could be that your friend doesn't know how to do that for you. So rather than say the wrong thing, she just flat out dipped. It sucks, but it happens a lot.

    I'm really sorry for your loss, by the way. <3
    I want to add to this and say that you shouldn't excuse her, though. You've stated how you felt multiple times and she hasn't reciprocated. If you stay friends with her, now you know where you fall in her priorities, and you should think of her the same.

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    " this is my best friend. Iíve been there for her through so much and this is the one time Iíve needed her."

    This says it all.

    I think you need to address all of the people you are choosing to be your friends. Many times, we need a tragedy to make some necessary changes. After my brother died, it woke me up to the type of people I was befriending, due to low self esteem and non existent boundaries. I got rid of those friends, and have made better choices in my friends.

  10. #9
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    " this is my best friend. Iíve been there for her through so much and this is the one time Iíve needed her."

    This says it all.
    Pretty hard to argue with this at all.

    OP, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Again, I urge you to try out a grief counselor if you have no one else to turn to. Allow your mother and you to lean on each other as much as is necessary for either of you. You will get through this in time.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Sometimes friends just don't know what to do or say. Let time heal. Don't be hard on yourself or anyone else. Consider some short term therapy to unpack and sort all this. Also see if there are local bereavement support groups to talk about things.

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