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Thread: My best friend has shut me out since my dad passed

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Two things:
    She's not the good friend you thought she was.
    Second, grief makes people very uncomfortable.


    I am very sorry about the loss of your father. Huge loses like this cause you to re-evaluate what is important in your life.

    My mom passed away the end of last year and though all my friends and acquaintances contacted me, I didn't hear from my best friend until 10 days later. She called and vented for 10 minutes about her job and then asked me how my mom was. Imagine the response when I told her she had passed away the previous week. She insisted she didn't know, but the problem here was everyone else had been checking on me for updates, yet she was her typical self absorbed self and hadn't. So, of course she wouldn't know.
    If it had been her mother, I'd be checking on her daily.

    It's been 7 months and we've moved passed it, but our friendship has never been the same. Not for that very episode, but an accumulation of things and me being at place in my life that I am re-evaluating priorities. I don't have room in my life for lopsided relationships.
    Iím so sorry for your loss. And Iím sorry about your selfish friend. I totally understand that these situations are uncomfortable for most people. Unfortunately if someone hasnít experienced the death of a loved one then they will never know until it happens to them. In my case my best friend has never experienced that, so she just doesnít know. I know I canít blame her for her lack of experience. But the lack of just common decency is what upsets me. Iím sure you understand based on your experience you had too. Itís just disappointing. Thank you again for your response

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry for your tremendous loss, undertheivy.

    My father passed away long ago and friends are a mixed bag. A neighbor brought a casserole and a gathered a collection for a money gift in a sympathy card which was thoughtful. Among our family and friends, whenever there's a birth, wedding or death, it's about giving money; sometimes a lot or it's as much as one can afford to give. We received money from them. Some friends and family visited my mother's house.

    Then there are other friends who've never experienced dealing with a friend's grief and mourning. A lot of people don't know what to do so they just drop you. My friend did this to me long ago. She later apologized decades later when we rekindled our friendship. Not that you have to wait this long to reconcile but it happens.

    My mother said if you don't expect, you won't get hurt. Let your friend be. Don't bother. Don't anticipate. Leave her alone. Either she'll come around one day or your friendship will fizzle and fade away. It's common.

    I'm different. I bring homecooked dinners for the bereft. (Same with illness, post-surgery, new baby, financial hardship, death, etc.) That's just me.

    No, don't reach out. No, don't tell her how you feel. You'll only stir up awkwardness, she'll get defensive and an argument will ensue. Don't beg for friends.

    Allow yourself time to grieve and mourn your tremendous loss which could take many months as it did for me. You can join a church, support group, meetups, exercise - local walking group, sports exercise club or something to find friends. School? Exercise because it's a great stress reliever.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you for your loss.

    Originally Posted by undertheivy
    ... I am now realizing the toxicity in the friendship that has been building up and getting worse over time. ...
    Unfortunately, this is often the case with historic friendships. When someone has been a fixture in our lives for years, we often overlook toxic qualities as they develop because the changes can be gradual. We're dealing with someone who feels like family, and so we write off stuff that we wouldn't tolerate in a newer friend.

    With someone new, our trust meter is more likely set to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, and lousy behavior shows up more prominently as a signal to withdraw trust and distance ourselves. However, with historic friends, our trust meter has long been established at a unquestionable 9 or 10, and so our investment in that person overrides the signals to withdraw trust--until they pull a whopper.

    Yes, that hurts. The combo plate of their disregard AND our long established trust adds a degree of insult to the injury. However, we are in control over our own response to this. This means we get to choose the degree of harm we will inflict on ourselves with our own behavior.

    The inclination may be a total write-off, and done--or worse, a confrontation that compromises our own well being for some dramatic face-off with the offender. That's not necessary: we don't need to regress into hurtful behavior that cuts both ways. Lashing out is a primitive reaction carried by a desire to punish a wrong. However, when we can keep that reaction in check, we take ownership of our capacity to act in our own best interests, instead.

    Who needs enemies? It's far more difficult to heal from grief and cultivate a fabulous future for ourselves when we know that our choice to punish someone has created an adversary on the planet. It's far easier to distance ourselves without burning bridges, because this signals to ourselves that we've retained our ability to invest in trust that people can (and sometimes do) evolve over time when left on their own devices. People can someday grow into a mature capacity for reflection. This fact allows you to operate in a more liberated way than holding a grudge--because grudges hurt US rather than the target.

    Young friendships often diverge. This is natural, because we each grow into our own capabilities at different rates. You've outgrown this friend, and now you get to decide whether you can accept that gracefully, or whether you'll inflict unnecessary harm on yourself in order to punish the other.

    Head high, read my sig, and choose wisely. You will thank yourself later.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by undertheivy
    Iím so sorry for your loss. And Iím sorry about your selfish friend. I totally understand that these situations are uncomfortable for most people. Unfortunately if someone hasnít experienced the death of a loved one then they will never know until it happens to them. In my case my best friend has never experienced that, so she just doesnít know. I know I canít blame her for her lack of experience. But the lack of just common decency is what upsets me. Iím sure you understand based on your experience you had too. Itís just disappointing. Thank you again for your response
    I think the issue you have is that your friend doesn't know what to do here. Let's say you say you want to hang out right? Hang out and do what? You will be crying and she'll want to do something fun. You're not going to want to do something fun because you're crying and so she's going to go home. If you invite her to your dad's birthday get together, same issue. She doesn't know if she should make jokes or act like everything is great because she doesn't feel anything or if she should just stay away because she doesn't feel sad at all.

    I personally, like making jokes and people find me funny despite not wanting to. I'm not a good guy at a funeral. I like smiling and it gives the wrong impression to people. I can do "there there" for about five minutes, I couldn't hang out on it. If you need a break for crying and want to laugh I'm a great friend to be around. Maybe your friend is funny too and has the same problem.

    Also, sorry for your loss.

  5.  

  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I'm very sorry for your tremendous loss, undertheivy.

    My father passed away long ago and friends are a mixed bag. A neighbor brought a casserole and a gathered a collection for a money gift in a sympathy card which was thoughtful. Among our family and friends, whenever there's a birth, wedding or death, it's about giving money; sometimes a lot or it's as much as one can afford to give. We received money from them. Some friends and family visited my mother's house.

    Then there are other friends who've never experienced dealing with a friend's grief and mourning. A lot of people don't know what to do so they just drop you. My friend did this to me long ago. She later apologized decades later when we rekindled our friendship. Not that you have to wait this long to reconcile but it happens.

    My mother said if you don't expect, you won't get hurt. Let your friend be. Don't bother. Don't anticipate. Leave her alone. Either she'll come around one day or your friendship will fizzle and fade away. It's common.

    I'm different. I bring homecooked dinners for the bereft. (Same with illness, post-surgery, new baby, financial hardship, death, etc.) That's just me.

    No, don't reach out. No, don't tell her how you feel. You'll only stir up awkwardness, she'll get defensive and an argument will ensue. Don't beg for friends.

    Allow yourself time to grieve and mourn your tremendous loss which could take many months as it did for me. You can join a church, support group, meetups, exercise - local walking group, sports exercise club or something to find friends. School? Exercise because it's a great stress reliever.
    Thanks so much for your advice. It truly helps. So far each person has said not to reach out. I still havenít heard a single word from her, and I was the last person to say something and was waiting for a response - but nothing. Thatís okay though. I think everyone is right and I should leave it be for now. Itís just hard :/ I have good and bad days. Iíll definitely look into some of the ideas you suggested so I can get myself out of the house. Thank you again

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    My heart goes out to you for your loss.



    Unfortunately, this is often the case with historic friendships. When someone has been a fixture in our lives for years, we often overlook toxic qualities as they develop because the changes can be gradual. We're dealing with someone who feels like family, and so we write off stuff that we wouldn't tolerate in a newer friend.

    With someone new, our trust meter is more likely set to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, and lousy behavior shows up more prominently as a signal to withdraw trust and distance ourselves. However, with historic friends, our trust meter has long been established at a unquestionable 9 or 10, and so our investment in that person overrides the signals to withdraw trust--until they pull a whopper.

    Yes, that hurts. The combo plate of their disregard AND our long established trust adds a degree of insult to the injury. However, we are in control over our own response to this. This means we get to choose the degree of harm we will inflict on ourselves with our own behavior.

    The inclination may be a total write-off, and done--or worse, a confrontation that compromises our own well being for some dramatic face-off with the offender. That's not necessary: we don't need to regress into hurtful behavior that cuts both ways. Lashing out is a primitive reaction carried by a desire to punish a wrong. However, when we can keep that reaction in check, we take ownership of our capacity to act in our own best interests, instead.

    Who needs enemies? It's far more difficult to heal from grief and cultivate a fabulous future for ourselves when we know that our choice to punish someone has created an adversary on the planet. It's far easier to distance ourselves without burning bridges, because this signals to ourselves that we've retained our ability to invest in trust that people can (and sometimes do) evolve over time when left on their own devices. People can someday grow into a mature capacity for reflection. This fact allows you to operate in a more liberated way than holding a grudge--because grudges hurt US rather than the target.

    Young friendships often diverge. This is natural, because we each grow into our own capabilities at different rates. You've outgrown this friend, and now you get to decide whether you can accept that gracefully, or whether you'll inflict unnecessary harm on yourself in order to punish the other.

    Head high, read my sig, and choose wisely. You will thank yourself later.
    I love this advice. Itís all very true and what I needed to hear. Thank you so much!

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