Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 26

Thread: My best friend has shut me out since my dad passed

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,732
    Gender
    Female
    Two things:
    She's not the good friend you thought she was.
    Second, grief makes people very uncomfortable.


    I am very sorry about the loss of your father. Huge loses like this cause you to re-evaluate what is important in your life.

    My mom passed away the end of last year and though all my friends and acquaintances contacted me, I didn't hear from my best friend until 10 days later. She called and vented for 10 minutes about her job and then asked me how my mom was. Imagine the response when I told her she had passed away the previous week. She insisted she didn't know, but the problem here was everyone else had been checking on me for updates, yet she was her typical self absorbed self and hadn't. So, of course she wouldn't know.
    If it had been her mother, I'd be checking on her daily.

    It's been 7 months and we've moved passed it, but our friendship has never been the same. Not for that very episode, but an accumulation of things and me being at place in my life that I am re-evaluating priorities. I don't have room in my life for lopsided relationships.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    20,048
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Two things:
    She's not the good friend you thought she was.
    Second, grief makes people very uncomfortable.


    I am very sorry about the loss of your father. Huge loses like this cause you to re-evaluate what is important in your life.

    My mom passed away the end of last year and though all my friends and acquaintances contacted me, I didn't hear from my best friend until 10 days later. She called and vented for 10 minutes about her job and then asked me how my mom was. Imagine the response when I told her she had passed away the previous week. She insisted she didn't know, but the problem here was everyone else had been checking on me for updates, yet she was her typical self absorbed self and hadn't. So, of course she wouldn't know.
    If it had been her mother, I'd be checking on her daily.

    It's been 7 months and we've moved passed it, but our friendship has never been the same. Not for that very episode, but an accumulation of things and me being at place in my life that I am re-evaluating priorities. I don't have room in my life for lopsided relationships.
    So sorry for the loss of your mother.

  3. #13
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    25
    LikeWater, thank you so much for your response. It seems most of the other responders agree with you. And I have to say I do too now after reading the other comments. I guess I just canít yet get past the disappointment. But in time Iím sure I will. Iím hoping sheíll come around and apologize, but until then I know I need to leave it alone. So thank you again. I havenít considered seeing a counselor at all but it may be something I look into.

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    25
    Originally Posted by WithLove
    People have different ways of processing or handling grief, and it could be that your friend doesn't know how to do that for you. So rather than say the wrong thing, she just flat out dipped. It sucks, but it happens a lot.

    I'm really sorry for your loss, by the way. <3

    Thank you so much. Itís a shame and disappointing when a very close friend canít put aside their selfishness for a little bit to be there for you. I appreciate your response!

  5.  

  6. #15
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    25
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Please do not excuse her behavior. I do not care if she has never lost anyone or is not close to her father. her actions are unacceptable and hurtful

    I have lost a parent and a brother. Most people will go above and beyond, but some won't. One of my best friends was just like yours. She is no longer my friend. She had texted me twice after my brother's death-no phone call- within two months. Then, she started calling- I ignored several of the calls as I had to get my head together as what to say-when I did respond, I told her that I cared for her, but that I was not getting what I needed from the friendship. I was done. She deflected, and said I was too sensitive. Nice. I wished her well, as that was it. I do not want people like this in my life. I reflected on the friendship, and realized that it was superficial, and she had had a history of not being there in difficult times.

    I would not reach out, and I would be honest as to what type of friend she has been. You do not need people like this in your life.

    Focus on the people who have been there, and look to develop new friendships.
    Thanks so much for your reply and advice. I lost my brother many years ago as well. Itís so hurtful to experience close friends not being there when you need them, especially in these life changing moments. Iím sorry about your experience with crappy friends also. Iím just having trouble getting past the disappointment I guess.

  7. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    25
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Normally, I'd give friends the benefit of the doubt in that they don't know what I need and how to respond.....however, in your case, you have spoken up multiple times. You've been clear about what you need and she has chosen to avoid you. I'm sorry and hugs. This is really horrible. That said, I'd demote her from best friend or even friend role. She did show you her colors and the fact that her world only goes one way - her and herself and her needs only.

    Since you have reached out multiple times and got ignored, I wouldn't bother anymore. Focus on other people in your life, other friends, cultivate new friends. It takes work and patience, but it's worth it in the long run. Rather than sitting feeling lonely and hurt by her, try to get out, explore some new hobbies, interests, maybe check out meetup.com and see if you can meet more people. Even if you don't connect with anyone, having some fresh things to do might be a welcome relief.
    Youíre definitely right and I have recently reached out to a few friends that I havenít seen in awhile and it was great catching up with them. Weíve already made plans to hang out again soon. Iím very happy I reached out to them.

    And I think thatís what hurts the most - the fact that I told her I really needed some friend time and she chose to ignore that and act like it never happened. Iím just disappointed. :/

    Thank you so much for your response

  8. #17
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    25
    Originally Posted by maew
    OP I am so sorry :( I see this happen a lot and for some reason it always seems to happen with someone we we thought would be there no matter what. This is the type of thing that lets us know who will be there when the chips are down and who is just there for a good time.

    Thank you so much for the kind words. I always thought sheíd be here for me through good and bad times. But as I reflect on the past few years of our friendship I am now realizing the toxicity in the friendship that has been building up and getting worse over time. This is the last straw for me... lowest of the low. Iím in a vulnerable state right now so itís hard to act tough about it. But I know with time Iíll get stronger. Thank you again

  9. #18
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    25
    Originally Posted by WithLove
    I want to add to this and say that you shouldn't excuse her, though. You've stated how you felt multiple times and she hasn't reciprocated. If you stay friends with her, now you know where you fall in her priorities, and you should think of her the same.
    Exactly. I know now that I need to set boundaries and if she comes back around I will definitely make sure she knows that how she treated me isnít okay. Thank you again

  10. #19
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    25
    Originally Posted by LikeWater
    Pretty hard to argue with this at all.

    OP, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Again, I urge you to try out a grief counselor if you have no one else to turn to. Allow your mother and you to lean on each other as much as is necessary for either of you. You will get through this in time.
    Thank you again, so much. I sent a reply to you already on your initial comment but I didnít do it the proper way. But really thank you again

  11. #20
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    25
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Sometimes friends just don't know what to do or say. Let time heal. Don't be hard on yourself or anyone else. Consider some short term therapy to unpack and sort all this. Also see if there are local bereavement support groups to talk about things.
    I just looked some up and found a couple of them. Thank you for that. I understand it can be hard because Iíve been the friend before in her situation where I really didnít know what to do or say. And it was scary. I just wish she would have still showed up for me, physically. Not just a couple of texts. But I do understand and youíre right. Thank you for the reminder to not be too hard on myself or anyone else.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •