Partner working away

Hello, I've been with my partner for 9 years we have a 5 and 6 year old, about 4 months ago he was at work and his boss asked him if he would like to work away and he said yes without discussing it with me, when he did eventually discuss it with me we had a talk and we decided that there was no need for him to work away as we are not struggling for money ect, we both agreed, then a couple of days had passed and he came home from work in normal clothes so I asked why and he said he had been on the course to work away, obviously I got a bit angry because we had already discussed this but then he said his boss had already paid for he course so he had to go, another thing he has done behind my back, he has now gone away to work which I'm not happy about now he says he has to work on an extra night, don't get me wrong I don't want to sound like a horrible person, but we have been through so much to get in a happy place again that this is ruining it for me. I feel like giving him an ultimatem, I just don't know what to do basically, anyone else been in this situation?

How far away is this new work?

4 hours away.

When you say you two have been through a lot, what does that mean?

Don't use ultimatums unless you are truly ready to divorce him and mean it.

I mean, it's not very often a boss' request is legit just a request. Whether done out of necessity or if he just wants to curry some professional favor, I'm not sure this is a good hill for you to die on. Address other problems as necessary and directly. How long is this extra work assignment / course for?

I think you shouldn't be considering delivering ultimatums to a man who is the father of your two children and is eager to seek a better career for the benefit of all of you.

Should he have discussed it with you? Yes. What is it about your communication history that he didn't tell you about the change before?

I suspect there are deeper problems here than just his not telling you about a new job opportunity.

it's like he's making things up in his head as an excuse to not get married, but why ask me in the first place, thats what gets me. My family has all said the same, it's coming across that's he's making every excuse for us to not get married, I certainly won't be marrying him now.

You posted this just a couple months ago. That and him accusing you of cheating. Is it possible he's the one's that's cheating?

I was on a night out with my female friend and at the end of the night I got talking to my male friend with my female friend, my partner saw me and just literally starts accusing me that I was going to go back to a house party with my male friend, then he accused me of messaging other guys, messaging his work mate, basically accussing me of cheating on him but I have never given him any reason to think so, he didn't let this go for over a year now he's finally coming out of it and we r in a much better place.

I have never given him any reason to think so, he didn't let this go for over a year now he's finally coming out of it and we r in a much better place.

You are in a much better place, yet he makes a unilateral decision without you.

You mentioned the boss paid for a course. Is this temporary thing or full time commitment?

Thanks reinvent myself, I decided to stay with him to work through things, I hope he's not cheating I don't think he's cheating working away.

That's true I guess I thought we were in a much better place but then he does this to me behind my back.

Thanks reinvent myself, I decided to stay with him to work through things, I hope he's not cheating I don't think he's cheating working away.

I editing my previous post with another question

Full time commitment.

Full time commitment.

Wow. . 2 small children and I'd have to think long and hard about whether I would continue.

I wouldn't give an ultimatum because he's already made his choice.

I would see it as the choice is now up to me.

I know maybe I'm feeling like this because of the hell he put me through accussing me and maybe I'm thinking is he the one that's doing it. I don't know my heads in the shed tbh.

I mean....looking at it from a pragmatic standpoint, bosses don't ask,they tell and refusing can mean you've just killed your career and are liable to get termed at nearest opportunity. I need to talk to my SO about my career decisions really don't go over well with bosses.

If you take a step back and cool down, what does this mean for his job/career? Can you move closer once transfer is completed? If you look at this rationally and pragmatically, does this move make sense?

As for the conflict you've had.....I mean the first huge red flag is that he didn't want to get married. Second huge red flag is that he accused you of cheating over nothing - cheaters tend to do that a lot. I wouldn't bury my head in the sand and proclaim that he wouldn't. Keep your eyes open. It sounds like you've worked so hard to get this man to commit to you....you've lost sight of some important things....

He may not want to get married but he still has to pay child support. Let him go. Use this time to get some help in deciding what's best for you and the kids.

Are you worried about being stuck doing all the childcare?

Are you working as well or do you all depend on his income?

I mean, a lot of times you can't say no and yet advance.

You agreed to stall his career because....I'm not sure?

Thanks dancingfool, he wouldn't of lost his job because this isn't part of his job I guess it sub contacted or something, so he would of still kept his job, it was just an added extra for people if they wanted to do it. We can't move closer as he could go anywhere to work he wouldn't work in the same place. They are huge red flags for sure and im definitely not burying my head in the sand, my eyes are wide open for. I agree I probably have lost site of things, I've tried so hard to make this work and I just feel this is another step back.

I mean....looking at it from a pragmatic standpoint, bosses don't ask,they tell and refusing can mean you've just killed your career and are liable to get termed at nearest opportunity. I need to talk to my SO about my career decisions really don't go over well with bosses.

 

and his boss asked him if he would like to work away and he said yes without discussing it with me, when he did eventually discuss it with me we had a talk and we decided that there was no need for him to work away as we are not struggling for money ect, we both agreed,

Unless I am reading this wrong, the boss asked him his preference, as a couple they came to the conclusion it wasn't going to happen. . then he went ahead and did it anyway.

From accusations of cheating, refusing to get married and taking a job 4 hours away, this man doesn't seem to interested in a future with her and his family. He seems to be creating roadblocks, but when each one doesn't work, he escalates his behavior.

He may not want to get married but he still has to pay child support. Let him go. Use this time to get some help in deciding what's best for you and the kids.

That's true wiseman, but I do feel like this will break us for some reason, it's just my gut instinct.

Are you worried about being stuck doing all the childcare?

Are you working as well or do you all depend on his income?

I mean, a lot of times you can't say no and yet advance.

You agreed to stall his career because....I'm not sure?

I literally do all the childcare, all he does is sleep when he comes home from work in the evenings, so I'm not worried about that it's normal for me. I work part time, I've never been dependant on a man, he doesn't give me any money anyways it just all goes into his bank account which he even hides his statements from me so I can't see how much he's got. Theres no career stalling he could have another career without having to go away, this is not a career which he wants to pursue anyways as he has told me so.

Are you worried about being stuck doing all the childcare?

Are you working as well or do you all depend on his income?

I mean, a lot of times you can't say no and yet advance.

You agreed to stall his career because....I'm not sure?

and his boss asked him if he would like to work away and he said yes without discussing it with me, when he did eventually discuss it with me we had a talk and we decided that there was no need for him to work away as we are not struggling for money ect, we both agreed,

 

Unless I am reading this wrong, the boss asked him his preference, as a couple they came to the conclusion it wasn't going to happen. . then he went ahead and did it anyway.

 

From accusations of cheating, refusing to get married and taking a job 4 hours away, this man doesn't seem to interested in a future with her and his family. He seems to be creating roadblocks, but when each one doesn't work, he escalates his behavior.

It does feel like he's creating roadblocks and that's what I can't understand. And when I'm not happy about it here gets all defensive.

Are you worried about being stuck doing all the childcare?

Are you working as well or do you all depend on his income?

I mean, a lot of times you can't say no and yet advance.

You agreed to stall his career because....I'm not sure?

Another thing I'm not very well at the moment so I have to go back and forth to the hospital every week to have a procedure, so have been ill all week and he knows this.

When people get trapped in a situation they don't want to be in, they tend to look for a way out. People are funny like that....

You aren't happy, but have you ever considered that he isn't happy either?

You say that you don't depend on a man....are you sure about that? You sure seem to be clinging on to this relationship and this man for dear life......

Maybe it's time for you to get out of your tunnel vision of "I'll make you be family with me" and have an honest conversation about what you both really want and don't want. It seems like he has been telling you for a long time what he doesn't want....but you aren't listening and just steamrolling along pursuing your vision of your life.