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Thread: Long distance

  1. #1
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    Long distance

    Hi

    I'm writing this as very confused and tearful.
    Wondering whether I'm reading into things.

    I met someone on dating site a month ago. He's in Ireland, I'm in England. He was due to go on holiday for a week about an hour and a half from where I love so pretty early on, agreed to meet up. Contact regular. Although he's not the best at texting and we chatted 3 x on phone.

    Anyway the date lasted 8 hours . He is quite shy , that came across online and on person, but funny, witty and holdings hands, looking into eachothers eyes etc. We didn't bombard eachother with questions, just enjoyed eachother s company.

    We talked of seeing how things pan out over coming months and if u meet someone else, don't feel bad.. in that time. I was fine, no labels yet, just getting to know eachother as friends.

    Then the bombshell a few days later:

    "I've decided that there won't be any romance between us as it would be unfair on both of us...
    But definitely great friends.

    I agreed distance would be a problem but could go either way. And we would be good friends He's a lovely fella. In reflection, maybe I should have vocalised my surprise at such a quick decision. And he was the one who contacted me, knowing where I lived.

    I replied saying that distance would be a problem (but I'm thinking, on reflection, even if I lived in Ireland, it could be several hours drive from him. Here in Liverpool to Dublin/Cavan it's not exactly the other side of the World) and we would be great friends.

    So was it a polite brush off?

    I asked if he'd like to meet up before he went home. Only stayed a week. And next day was penultimate day ..So knew he probably couldn't. He was busy seeing family friend and also he may not be able to see me in Galway next month but I said was going to other places too and he said to let him know details. Said we would definitely meet up when he's in England.

    There was definitely attraction there. Not being big headed but surprised at how attractive I was. Cpuld tell .Complimented me on my figure etc.

    He is shy and did bring him out of himself and he made me feel calm.

    Don't want to appear pushy etc but glad I offered to meet before I went back.

    Is surprising though he decided. No discussion about it. So many questions I may not get answers to.

    Not sure what to do next. To say my piece and or tell him my travel plans or just wave goodbye. Will he ever change his mind?But then im thinking he's bailing now before he's had a real chance to get to know me, should I even care? Or is it fear?

    Or did he think I didn't like him in that way?

    The way he worded it, indicates to me there are acknowledged feelings on Both sides ...

    Any helpful insights welcome.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I think most people become very overwhelmed by the idea of having an LDR... they rarely work out and itís a lot more work to stay connected. When I was dating even the idea of someone being an hour away felt like too much work.

    Iíd say you can leave it open to a friendship or casual relationship if you want but donít expect it to go further.

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I wouldn't waste any more time on him. He met you and probably enjoyed your company, but I'm guessing he didn't feel any sparks.

    His email sounded very sincere. HE decided he doesn't want a relationship. You should honor that and stop contact with him. You don't need a friend in another country just to be penpals.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It's just typical with online, you talk, you think you have a lot in common, you may find each other attractive in pics, but real life chemistry can only be determined in real life.

    Great that you met early on, so you didn't waste too much time bonding online. He may well think you are attractive, have a great figure, etc, but he didn't feel that chemistry with you and that's that. He was also honest and straightforward about it and didn't string you along any further. The "it" factor just isn't there for him.

    So you move on and keep on dating. It's a long process to find someone where you truly mutually click, emphasis on mutually. Best approach to online dating is to actually try and meet up quickly for a coffee or something quick and public so you can see if there is anything there and then go from there accordingly where you either decide you aren't interested or attraction is there and you set up an actual date. Don't invest time bonding online with strangers, because it will take a big emotional toll on you as real life meetings fall flat and the whole thing starts to feel like breakups and rejections when it just isn't so.

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  6. #5
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    Excellent advice everyone. Thanks. Yes i told him i respected his honestly.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    No, don't stay friends. As soon as he gets a girlfriend, she won't appreciate him communicating with someone he met up with on OLD, and he will also likely lost interest in the friendship. When you get a new bf, the same holds for you.

    There are so many numerous cons to long distance online dating, I don't know why anyone agrees to it, either than the person is either consciously or subconsciously putting up barriers to serious dating. Stick to local dating for better success. Expand your pool for meeting people by joining clubs, taking lessons, and trying Meetup.com. Good luck!

  8. #7
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    Thanks Adrina

    Hi and thanks and I do do all that too. Interesting point you make if considering there are feelings on both sides.And what happens if we are each in a relationship and friends and how that would pan out.

  9. #8
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    I think he's being honest that he doesn't feel romance with you. It's not easy to tell someone that, so I give him credit for being upfront and not leading you on.

    I get why you are confused about where's he coming from if he complimented your looks, but keep this in mind: It's one thing to find someone attractive, but feeling sparks is something that goes beyond someone's physical appearance. That chemistry often can't be explained, and for whatever reason, it just wasn't there for him.

    As the others advised, I wouldn't try to remain friends. There's really no point.

  10. #9
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    You have met this person once, and only chatted online for a month. He is a near stranger. You need to accept this and let this go.

    I suggest you look into your attachment issues.

    Move on. You should not be friends.

  11. #10
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    Thanks all. Not easy reading but all excellent advice.

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