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Thread: My bf dad died of cancer and now he is taking everything out on me (severely dep

  1. #1
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    My bf dad died of cancer and now he is taking everything out on me (severely dep

    Hey


    So I posted a while back about my bf dads having cancer. Unfortunately his dad has now passed. It took place abroad so I went as soon as I knew to be by my bfís side. We had a huge fight on the first night because we were both really exhausted. It was mainly
    Down to me being dragged around for 18 hours to various friends houses and a lot of drinking was involved at these events.

    The next day we sorted things out. Then everything was fine.

    Now I have returned home and he has the funeral today.

    I have really really
    Tried my best to be there for him. His friends, family and work do not get this treatment: he tells me
    To leave him alone no matter what I do or say. I asked him
    About coming back home and he flew off the handle for 3 days saying I was arguing. Heís blocked me on everything and said that he doesnít know if this is right anymore.

    I feel really bad because obviously I want to reach out to him but I canít. I feel like nothing I do or say is right and my heart is completely broken. I went through all of the cancer stuff with his dad since the start. I have never let him down and made allowances for his behaviour during the treatment of his dads cancer.

    His mum also died when he was young. Itís a really difficult situation because I want to be there for him but he just directs all of his anger towards me.

    What should I do? I donít have anyone else I can talk to without being judged

  2. #2
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    How long have you been dating?
    Your last post only a few weeks ago, you said you guys were taking a break apart?
    And dad his dad got diagnosed early in your relationship?

    I will reserve opinion until I know more about your situation if thatís ok.

  3. #3
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    Hey. Weíve been together almost 3 years. We didnít break up as he had to go back home cuz of his dad and that took priority

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    Sorry to hear this. He is an alcoholic and that's bad news. You need to move out. His verbal abuse and alcoholism won't change and you can't fix him. Avoid him as much as possible. Don't ask "what's wrong? want to talk?, etc". Leave him alone. Focus on finding another place and getting your own physical and mental health in order. The way he is acting with the father's illness/death is just a manifestation of much deeper problems. Check out AA online and read up on problem drinking alcoholism etc. Attend a meeting and see if it applies to you or him : [Register to see the link]

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    When someone is in a deep state of bereavement, you canít ask anything of them at all. They are usually completely overwhelmed and they are not in a state where they can give you anything at all. This is why most employers give employees time off to grieve and why youíll often see people bringing the people in mourning meals and casseroles, etc. Even just thinking about their next meal is completely overwhelming. Frankly, they are often not even able to take care of their own needs at that time. Thatís why people flock around them.

    If you were complaining at all about being ędragged around for 18 hoursĽ - you were asking him to think about YOUR needs. It was not the time. If thereís ever a time to take care of yourself, itís then. It would have been better to simply say ęI know you need this - so please continue - but I need to go back to the house. I hope you understandĽ and Uber yourself out of there if there were others there to support him.

    Similarly re: asking when heís coming home. You were giving him a task and asking him to think about stuff that didnít matter in the moment. You were asking to have your own needs met - of stability, clarity, etc. He wasnít in a place to think about your needs.

    If ever there is a time when someone is allowed to be completely selfish, itís when they are in a deep state of mourning. Your job and your best support is in being there and removing every pressure possible.

    As far as to why he was lashing out - itís either because he was completely overwhelmed by you (in which case the relationship could very well be over) - or he simply feels comfortable and safe with you, so we tend to lash out at those we care about the most because itís a ęsafeĽ place to vent. Itís not nice... but itís not uncommon. (Itís why children lash out at parents, etc).

    Give him a couple of weeks from his dadís passing and then reach out. All of this is not his priority at this time. Give him time to get through the worst of it and then you can talk it out. He really does need space now. Most people do.

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    I didnít want to assume but if I had I would have expected a very short term relationship.
    Based on your previous post.
    He found out his dad had cancer almost 3 years ago and dealt with it by ignoring it essentially. By drinking.

    People deal with things differently and I get from your last post that you tried to encourage him to be more healthy about it.
    But to do that for 3 years?

    He has essentially used his dads illness for 3 years as an excuse to drink. And now will use his death to drink for another 3 years.

    It is a sad loss for him, but he has no proper coping mechanisms within him. He chooses to drink even though he likely knows better.

    But you have spent 3 years either fighting him or enabling him. Iím not sure which.
    Either way he doesnít want you involved and never really did.
    As long as you tolerated his drinking , he stayed. Because not many people would tolerate it especially for 3 years. He knows that!?

    You made ďallowancesĒ when you probably shouldnít have.

    You are correct that anything you might say or do is wrong.
    So say nothing and do nothing.

    The relationship is likely over because it was built on rocky foundations.
    Prepare for that. So sorry!

  8. #7
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    Thanks for all
    Your messages. He has stopped the drinking now but itís emotional torture for me and I feel bad for having to leave him when he is grieving

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    Originally Posted by Habba712
    Thanks for all
    Your messages. He has stopped the drinking now but itís emotional torture for me and I feel bad for having to leave him when he is grieving
    ďDown to me being dragged around for 18 hours to various friends houses and a lot of drinking was involved at these events.Ē
    He didnít drink?

    You didnít leave him, he left YOU!

  10. #9
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    Since the he has stopped drinking. But maybe you are right

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Habba712
    Since the he has stopped drinking. But maybe you are right
    Since when? And when did he start again?

    You need to realise that you are not and never were solely responsible for his coping with his fatherís illness and subsequent death. Yes be supportive. But excusing peopleís behaviour and substance abuse is enabling and not supportive.
    It might prolong your relationship but mostly because it suited him. At the time.

    Iím sorry, I know you really thought you were trying and being helpful , but it just wasnít the best thing for him.

    He isnít even aware of it now himself but all he does know is that he doesnít want to hear from you at this point.
    You need to respect that.

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