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My bf dad died of cancer and now he is taking everything out on me (severely dep


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Hey

 

 

So I posted a while back about my bf dads having cancer. Unfortunately his dad has now passed. It took place abroad so I went as soon as I knew to be by my bf’s side. We had a huge fight on the first night because we were both really exhausted. It was mainly

Down to me being dragged around for 18 hours to various friends houses and a lot of drinking was involved at these events.

 

The next day we sorted things out. Then everything was fine.

 

Now I have returned home and he has the funeral today.

 

I have really really

Tried my best to be there for him. His friends, family and work do not get this treatment: he tells me

To leave him alone no matter what I do or say. I asked him

About coming back home and he flew off the handle for 3 days saying I was arguing. He’s blocked me on everything and said that he doesn’t know if this is right anymore.

 

I feel really bad because obviously I want to reach out to him but I can’t. I feel like nothing I do or say is right and my heart is completely broken. I went through all of the cancer stuff with his dad since the start. I have never let him down and made allowances for his behaviour during the treatment of his dads cancer.

 

His mum also died when he was young. It’s a really difficult situation because I want to be there for him but he just directs all of his anger towards me.

 

What should I do? I don’t have anyone else I can talk to without being judged

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How long have you been dating?

Your last post only a few weeks ago, you said you guys were taking a break apart?

And dad his dad got diagnosed early in your relationship?

 

I will reserve opinion until I know more about your situation if that’s ok.

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Sorry to hear this. He is an alcoholic and that's bad news. You need to move out. His verbal abuse and alcoholism won't change and you can't fix him. Avoid him as much as possible. Don't ask "what's wrong? want to talk?, etc". Leave him alone. Focus on finding another place and getting your own physical and mental health in order. The way he is acting with the father's illness/death is just a manifestation of much deeper problems. Check out AA online and read up on problem drinking alcoholism etc. Attend a meeting and see if it applies to you or him : https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=559409&p=7125978&viewfull=1#post7125978

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When someone is in a deep state of bereavement, you can’t ask anything of them at all. They are usually completely overwhelmed and they are not in a state where they can give you anything at all. This is why most employers give employees time off to grieve and why you’ll often see people bringing the people in mourning meals and casseroles, etc. Even just thinking about their next meal is completely overwhelming. Frankly, they are often not even able to take care of their own needs at that time. That’s why people flock around them.

 

If you were complaining at all about being «dragged around for 18 hours» - you were asking him to think about YOUR needs. It was not the time. If there’s ever a time to take care of yourself, it’s then. It would have been better to simply say «I know you need this - so please continue - but I need to go back to the house. I hope you understand» and Uber yourself out of there if there were others there to support him.

 

Similarly re: asking when he’s coming home. You were giving him a task and asking him to think about stuff that didn’t matter in the moment. You were asking to have your own needs met - of stability, clarity, etc. He wasn’t in a place to think about your needs.

 

If ever there is a time when someone is allowed to be completely selfish, it’s when they are in a deep state of mourning. Your job and your best support is in being there and removing every pressure possible.

 

As far as to why he was lashing out - it’s either because he was completely overwhelmed by you (in which case the relationship could very well be over) - or he simply feels comfortable and safe with you, so we tend to lash out at those we care about the most because it’s a «safe» place to vent. It’s not nice... but it’s not uncommon. (It’s why children lash out at parents, etc).

 

Give him a couple of weeks from his dad’s passing and then reach out. All of this is not his priority at this time. Give him time to get through the worst of it and then you can talk it out. He really does need space now. Most people do.

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I didn’t want to assume but if I had I would have expected a very short term relationship.

Based on your previous post.

He found out his dad had cancer almost 3 years ago and dealt with it by ignoring it essentially. By drinking.

 

People deal with things differently and I get from your last post that you tried to encourage him to be more healthy about it.

But to do that for 3 years?

 

He has essentially used his dads illness for 3 years as an excuse to drink. And now will use his death to drink for another 3 years.

 

It is a sad loss for him, but he has no proper coping mechanisms within him. He chooses to drink even though he likely knows better.

 

But you have spent 3 years either fighting him or enabling him. I’m not sure which.

Either way he doesn’t want you involved and never really did.

As long as you tolerated his drinking , he stayed. Because not many people would tolerate it especially for 3 years. He knows that!?

 

You made “allowances” when you probably shouldn’t have.

 

You are correct that anything you might say or do is wrong.

So say nothing and do nothing.

 

The relationship is likely over because it was built on rocky foundations.

Prepare for that. So sorry!

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Thanks for all

Your messages. He has stopped the drinking now but it’s emotional torture for me and I feel bad for having to leave him when he is grieving

 

“Down to me being dragged around for 18 hours to various friends houses and a lot of drinking was involved at these events.”

He didn’t drink?

 

You didn’t leave him, he left YOU!

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Since the he has stopped drinking. But maybe you are right

 

Since when? And when did he start again?

 

You need to realise that you are not and never were solely responsible for his coping with his father’s illness and subsequent death. Yes be supportive. But excusing people’s behaviour and substance abuse is enabling and not supportive.

It might prolong your relationship but mostly because it suited him. At the time.

 

I’m sorry, I know you really thought you were trying and being helpful , but it just wasn’t the best thing for him.

 

He isn’t even aware of it now himself but all he does know is that he doesn’t want to hear from you at this point.

You need to respect that.

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I'm sorry, OP, but you've wasted 3 years of your life making excuses for this man, putting up with abusive behavior, trying to be "there" for him whatever that means. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe he is just a sh$tty person regardless? 3 years is a long long time to get over grief, emotions, and deal with and accept the inevitable. What I'm saying is that grief is not an excuse for how he is acting and probably never was. Stop projecting yourself, your emotions, what you'd feel and want onto this man. He isn't you and he doesn't want what you want.

 

If he wants out, use this to get out, move on and sit yourself down and figure out why you get sucked into this kind of drama. It's not healthy and you should have walked long ago. If you need to save someone, go save a dog/cat from a shelter. I'm serious here. Find a better, healthier and more rewarding outlet for your need to help and fix. You can't fix people.

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It's not unusual for individuals like yourself (in relationships with those going through loss and grief) to need support also. I'm concerned that you've relied heavily on your boyfriend and the ongoings in his life with his dad and his dad's illness as a method of coping. At the loss of your boyfriend, you've lost yourself too because you relied on him and his world for too long. If you've thrown yourself into the role of caregiver and caretaker for a long time, your only downfall may be that you have placed too much emphasis on the caring of another person and not enough on yourself.

 

This reiterates already what a lot of the other members have been saying. Take care of yourself. Don't be afraid to exist independently of the loss and grief and outside of this relationship. It doesn't negate that it's there but it should allow you a different dimension of yourself, one that's able to stay grounded and clear even in your grief and sadness with the end of this relationship. Things will pass and get better over time. It's up to you whether you want to fight against that (self-sabotage) or welcome it completely.

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This is a blessing. You don't need an angry self absorbed problem drinker in your life. Don't try to fix or rescue people as a distraction from your own life and whatever your own stuff is. Work on that instead.

I haven’t heard from him a she’s blocked me in everything
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