Jump to content

Issues with in laws


Recommended Posts

Im having issues with my husband’s family. I don’t really get along with them. They don’t seem so keen to even start a conversation with me. I moved in with them 5-6 months back and I still don’t feel comfortable around them. Mother in law seems to have passive aggressive temperament and brother in law literally seems like a jealousy little kid. My husband bought a house with his mum. He basically pays the mortgage and she contributed money that she inherited to buy the house. Brother in law wasn’t suppose to live with us but now it seems like he would never move out because according to my husband he doesn’t earn enough. I’m getting bit annoyed with the fact that his mum drinks everyday and his brother smokes weed everyday. I don’t like that kind of vibe , they seem like moody people. My husband thinks he made a great choice because renting is basically dead money so eventually this will be his house so to him it’s a great investment while for me I don’t like the vibe of people I live with and I’m beginning to see that my husband has bit of double standards towards his family. Lately when we talked about me working part time which will only land me up with 400£ excluding travel, phone bill etc so after my bill I would probably be left with 250£ and he still expected me to pay his mum 50£ out of it because she pays couple of utilities bills and I was surprised how he thinks his everyday weed smoking brother doesn’t earn enough to move out even though he earns above 700£ and me just left 250 £ should still give money to his mum and also she gets half of the rent that comes from a tenant. I don’t know if it’s fair? His mum doesn’t cook for me or anything. I thought I was supppse to work to help him out so I can take care of my bills. He says his brother gives little money to his mum so I should too? She cooks for him not for me. Isn’t husband and I suppose to be considered one? He pays mortgage, internet. I feel like we are individuals living on rent. Ugh can anyone help me out understand. Thanks for reading the post.

Link to comment

This is really an untenable situation. You can't go on living in this environment. Something has to give.

 

I'd rather live with my husband alone and pay rent than do what you're doing. The best option would be to sell the house and split the profit. Then get a full time job and save up enough money to get a starter home on your own. If you're husband doesn't see a problem with the way things are now, you might want to reconsider your relationship.

Link to comment

Your husband has not bought a house with his mother.

He couldn’t afford to buy because he didn’t have the deposit and she paid the deposit.

If he allowed her name in the property when he is paying the full mortgage then he is a fool.

When his mother dies she might leave half the house (her entitlement) to the other son.

So, unless it’s his name solely on the house , he will only eventually own half of it , regardless of the mortgage payments.

 

Why are you not working? Why are you freeloading?

Do you have children? You “thought” that you working was to help your husband out so you can pay your own bills??? You should be paying your own anyway? Are you telling me that your husband has been paying all of your personal bills too?

While you sit at home all day?

And you are complaining that the mother in law doesn’t cook for you?

 

I think your husband just has a lot of freeloaders on his hands?

Link to comment

There were reasons you married your husband and lived with his family that made sense to you in the beginning. I agree with Gary and instead of jumping to anything immediately or confusing yourself further, find yourself some employment and rely less on his mother in law. I feel like there are missing parts to the story and perhaps none of you are really able to support yourselves independently (due to any number of personal reasons).

 

Since you're in this situation, go back and revisit the reasons for marrying your husband and moving in with his family in the first place and see whether things have changed for you (a change of heart or a change of circumstances). I agree with Billie's points: it's not really in your best interests to complain when you aren't contributing to the family unit if you are all operating as a family unit in the first place.

Link to comment

Frankly, I can't crucify your husband. If you're not working or adequately contributing financially, he's stuck between a rock and a hard place figuring out what the best investment he can provide on his own is. Personally, as someone who has owned a home, then rented again, and is now closing on our next home, I disagree with renting being "dead money." Still, this is the decision he felt it best to make and without you stepping in to pitch in the money for an alternative, it is what it is. Would I enter into this sort of arrangement? Probably not. Sounds like a dozen and one problems waiting to happen. But I'd also be in a position to provide 50£ a month without winging about it. Seems to me your husband accounted for the fact you're not going to be able to make a substantive contribution any time soon, so he made a well-intended even if evidently sloppy decision as a result.

 

As far as what's "fair" with his mother, I notice a lot of people who are inexperienced like to assume mortgage payments are the bottom line like 20% down payments just aren't a thing. Mortgage payments are near universally cheaper than any comparable rent would be. It's the down payment which is ultimately the biggest risk. It's very difficult to qualify what's "fair" when someone's sacrificed a giant chunk of their cash-on-hand into a non-liquid asset while others thereon enjoy the benefit of what's essentially discounted rent.

 

And, at the end of the day, you're bucking against the idea of contributing an entire 50£. It's hard to claim much stake or influence when it'd literally be of zero consequence absent maybe everyone else gaining more living space were you to decide to move into your parents tomorrow. And really, absent that or divorce, all you can really do is ponder how to adjust your attitude rather than focus on being resentful of his brother making more than you despite his egregious weed habit and apparently his mom not cooking for you (if you're not working, why aren't you cooking for both of you anyhow?).

 

FWIW, and I'm not terribly familiar with UK law though the principle stems from the same common law standard, your husband and his mother (assuming both names on the title) will almost assuredly have a right of survivorship should one or the other die. How that might impact you should he die before his mother is something I'd look into relative to legally enforced marital assets, but it's incredibly unlikely the son would take over her name on the title while your husband's is still on it. Fun fact, this is actually one of the biggest risks of jointly owning a home with someone other than a spouse, should you desire your own kin to inherit it.

Link to comment

A partner in a caring relationship discusses major decisions like buying a house with his spouse. How long have you been married? I highly doubt you agreed this was a good decision because you don't get along with his family. Did he not ask you or did he ignore your wishes? If so, why do you want to stay married with a man who doesn't have your best interests at heart?

 

No matter how much I love my husband, if he went through with this sort of arrangement, it'd be a dealbreaker for me. I'd rather live alone than be subjected to that toxic environment every day, including a husband who disregards my wishes.

Link to comment
Lately when we talked about me working part time which will only land me up with 400£ excluding travel, phone bill etc so after my bill I would probably be left with 250£ and he still expected me to pay his mum 50£ out of it because she pays couple of utilities bills and I was surprised how he thinks his everyday weed smoking brother doesn’t earn enough to move out even though he earns above 700£ and me just left 250 £ should still give money to his mum and also she gets half of the rent that comes from a tenant. I don’t know if it’s fair?

 

Are we right in assuming from this that you aren't actually working now? No wonder you are so irritated by these people... even the nicest people on earth get irritating when we spend 24 x 7 hours with them. And in the scheme of things, you seem to be getting your bills / housing paid for right now... seems like a pretty sweet deal to me, so why are you complaining about giving your MIL a little money?

 

Honestly OP unless you were totally railroaded into this decision (in which case I agree with Andrina) your husband did his best to come up with a solution that would provide for the people he cares about.

 

P.S. I do not get why you are complaining about his mom not cooking for you if you are living there for free. Why should she do anything for you? Do your own cooking... it's literally the least you could do.

Link to comment

I have recently moved to the country as well. We were in a relationship for 5 years before getting married but lived in different countries so now it’s been almost 6 months since I moved. I knew his mum would be living with us because she payed the deposit that she inherited. She couldn’t get mortgage by herself so my husband stepped in. I didn’t know about his brother would live too. Since I’m still settling in that’s why I haven’t gotten a job. I wasn’t keen on idea of husband buying the house with his mother but he just wouldn’t listen and wanted to do it anyways. I have to listen everyday how unappreciative I am because he supports me. Even though I never spend any money on anything apart from food or if we go out to watch a movie or for dinner or something.

Link to comment
I have recently moved to the country as well. We were in a relationship for 5 years before getting married but lived in different countries so now it’s been almost 6 months since I moved. I knew his mum would be living with us because she payed the deposit that she inherited. She couldn’t get mortgage by herself so my husband stepped in. I didn’t know about his brother would live too. Since I’m still settling in that’s why I haven’t gotten a job. I wasn’t keen on idea of husband buying the house with his mother but he just wouldn’t listen and wanted to do it anyways. I have to listen everyday how unappreciative I am because he supports me. Even though I never spend any money on anything apart from food or if we go out to watch a movie or for dinner or something.[/QUO

So you only really know your husband 6 months.

And you are now only discussing getting a part time job?

Why are you not looking for a full time job? Sounds like you can earn more than your brother in law if you worked full time!?

 

You don’t spend money apart from food , movie tickets or dinners out? But when you do it’s his money not yours anyway??

You have had 6 months to look for a job!

Stop pretending you are “settling” in!

 

If you don’t like what you what signed up for , file for divorce.

Unfortunately his family can’t divorce you.

Link to comment

Unfortunately you moved in on his terms, not yours or yours as a couple. Ultimately two people in a marriage should have similar views about how they treat extended family and other family members. I'm sorry but it doesn't work any other way and there will be rifts and issues without compatible views. If you feel you've made a mistake, start finding solutions now to support yourself and find your way out. You may have to move back to your home country and forego this marriage if you're not committed to making it work or can't see a future here.

 

This might sound a bit harsh but I'm going to be very realistic with you: Expecting your husband to change his ways or his views about how he treats his mother or brother is likely never going to happen. Insisting also that the lives of these other individuals change and their relationships and living situation change is also as unrealistic and unfair to your husband who's keeping thing status quo as it is to them. In other words, his mother and brother and your husband have lived their whole lives thinking this living situation is acceptable.

 

In my eyes you have 3 options: 1) remain the long-suffering wife with deep misgivings and build no relationships with his mother, brother or get any closer to your husband, 2) learn to fit in and try to be a bit more humble and flexible and contribute to the home or 3) leave and forego the marriage and take on whatever challenges and liberties that entails. It's up to you.

Link to comment
I have recently moved to the country as well. We were in a relationship for 5 years before getting married but lived in different countries so now it’s been almost 6 months since I moved. I knew his mum would be living with us because she payed the deposit that she inherited. She couldn’t get mortgage by herself so my husband stepped in. I didn’t know about his brother would live too. Since I’m still settling in that’s why I haven’t gotten a job. I wasn’t keen on idea of husband buying the house with his mother but he just wouldn’t listen and wanted to do it anyways. I have to listen everyday how unappreciative I am because he supports me. Even though I never spend any money on anything apart from food or if we go out to watch a movie or for dinner or something.[/QUO

So you only really know your husband 6 months.

And you are now only discussing getting a part time job?

Why are you not looking for a full time job? Sounds like you can earn more than your brother in law if you worked full time!?

 

You don’t spend money apart from food , movie tickets or dinners out? But when you do it’s his money not yours anyway??

You have had 6 months to look for a job!

Stop pretending you are “settling” in!

 

If you don’t like what you what signed up for , file for divorce.

Unfortunately his family can’t divorce you.

 

I have known my husband not just for 6 months but obviously it’s different when you get married and see each other everyday.

Link to comment
Unfortunately you moved in on his terms, not yours or yours as a couple. Ultimately two people in a marriage should have similar views about how they treat extended family and other family members. I'm sorry but it doesn't work any other way and there will be rifts and issues without compatible views. If you feel you've made a mistake, start finding solutions now to support yourself and find your way out. You may have to move back to your home country and forego this marriage if you're not committed to making it work or can't see a future here.

 

This might sound a bit harsh but I'm going to be very realistic with you: Expecting your husband to change his ways or his views about how he treats his mother or brother is likely never going to happen. Insisting also that the lives of these other individuals change and their relationships and living situation change is also as unrealistic and unfair to your husband who's keeping thing status quo as it is to them. In other words, his mother and brother and your husband have lived their whole lives thinking this living situation is acceptable.

 

In my eyes you have 3 options: 1) remain the long-suffering wife with deep misgivings and build no relationships with his mother, brother or get any closer to your husband, 2) learn to fit in and try to be a bit more humble and flexible and contribute to the home or 3) leave and forego the marriage and take on whatever challenges and liberties that entails. It's up to you.

 

I have tried to build relationship with MIL but she has issues when I ask my husband why is she rude or passive aggressive with me he says it’s because she’s jealous according to him he is her son and she feels jealous of me but when I said it’s not like you are only her son she has other sons. She has grand kids etc so she should be use of the idea of her son having a wife. Recently she had a barbecue I was annoyed because they picked the day when my husband wasn’t off and top of it I got to know the same morning that there will be people over because brother in law and MIL decided to have barbecue and they were very inconsiderate that they didn’t have anything vegetarian for me since I’m vegetarian and when I asked to helped she said ok. And I asked if she would like me to make a guacamole she said ok and I asked her to taste if it’s ok she made a face while tasting it and said “I don’t know what you can do with it” I thought it was so rude. I didn’t say anything. I feel like I’m the sober one perhaps that’s why I don’t connect. Seems very moody people therefore hard to connect with. I guess I must be wrong since everyone here thinks I’m a freeloader and have no right to complain

Link to comment

Honestly, i would never agree to this arrangement. I would rather live in a tiny apartment that neither of us own with a husband than basically live like children under his mom's roof. She is the lady of the house in this situation and you are the little girl that has come to live with her. I would talk to your husband about mom buying him out of the house or selling it and buying a small little tiny house for just the two of you.

 

I get the idea that buying is more stable than renting - but renting is just fine during the transitions of life - being newly married, moving to a new area and you are not sure if you like it enough to buy yet, or if you cannot afford to buy without financial help or having a bunch of roomies.

 

you should NEVER have to give your MIL money. Rather, that utility bill should be in YOUR name if you pay it. If you bring $250 a paycheck, you can afford one of the utility bills. Unless you are college age and they are YOUR parents, do not agree to any arrangement where you pay bills that your name is not in unless it is your spouse's and you are paying the "house bills".

 

As far as "dead money" with renting - what is more important -- home ownership or a marriage? Honestly, if this goes on, I would leave, i would find a job and tell your husband you can't live like this anymore if he refuses to have a plan to move out or buy mom out or have mom buy him out.

 

Some parents do gift their kids with house downpayments, but they don't move in and are paid back. If mom was 99 years old and very frail, i could understand having her live there but this is not the case

Link to comment
Why can't you make your own vegetarian dishes? What's wrong with you?

 

When you get to know there’s a barbecue couple of hours before ? She has the whole kitchen blocked doing her things. All I could do is ask if she needs help with stuff. I do cook everyday

Link to comment

 

5 years online , or even 10 years does not equate to 6 months in person.

You are living proof of that!

 

Jeez Billie, I think you are quiet harsh. It’s not like people don’t get divorced if they haven’t been in long distance. Also it’s not like we only had cyber relationship.

Link to comment

What cultures are you both? That may play a part in why your husband extended family live with you and why your husband disregarded your feelings.

 

What was the plan job wise once you moved and got settled? It isn't easy depending on where in the UK you live. I don't think your free loading, your husband knew you would be moving without a job and it is his job to manage his family, not excuse their behaviour. Paying his mum £50 seems unfair if it is his house and you're married, paying a contribution with your husband for utilities and mortgage is fair once in a job and earning a regular income.

Honestly though, if it was me I would up and leave, he sounds like a mummy's boy without a spine and you deserve better.

Link to comment
When you get to know there’s a barbecue couple of hours before ? She has the whole kitchen blocked doing her things. All I could do is ask if she needs help with stuff. I do cook everyday

 

Really, Rainy? I could throw together a vegetarian dish in 30 minutes. You seem to enjoy being a martyr. What were you going to eat that night anyway if there hadn't been a bbq planned?

Link to comment
Honestly, i would never agree to this arrangement. I would rather live in a tiny apartment that neither of us own with a husband than basically live like children under his mom's roof. She is the lady of the house in this situation and you are the little girl that has come to live with her. I would talk to your husband about mom buying him out of the house or selling it and buying a small little tiny house for just the two of you.

 

I get the idea that buying is more stable than renting - but renting is just fine during the transitions of life - being newly married, moving to a new area and you are not sure if you like it enough to buy yet, or if you cannot afford to buy without financial help or having a bunch of roomies.

 

you should NEVER have to give your MIL money. Rather, that utility bill should be in YOUR name if you pay it. If you bring $250 a paycheck, you can afford one of the utility bills. Unless you are college age and they are YOUR parents, do not agree to any arrangement where you pay bills that your name is not in unless it is your spouse's and you are paying the "house bills".

 

As far as "dead money" with renting - what is more important -- home ownership or a marriage? Honestly, if this goes on, I would leave, i would find a job and tell your husband you can't live like this anymore if he refuses to have a plan to move out or buy mom out or have mom buy him out.

 

Some parents do gift their kids with house downpayments, but they don't move in and are paid back. If mom was 99 years old and very frail, i could understand having her live there but this is not the case

 

That’s exactly how I think. I tried to build a relationship with these people but it’s like you have to do 100% and they might do 2% so it’s exhausting. I should the one to always greet etc. Now I keep to myself because I have tried my best and honestly I do need a space as well. So my convos are minimum with them. And they are anyways never keen to start a convo or something so entire pressure is on me. I’m hurt because I have noticed few times that my husband is bit bias towards them.

Link to comment
I have tried to build relationship with MIL but she has issues when I ask my husband why is she rude or passive aggressive with me he says it’s because she’s jealous according to him he is her son and she feels jealous of me but when I said it’s not like you are only her son she has other sons. She has grand kids etc so she should be use of the idea of her son having a wife. Recently she had a barbecue I was annoyed because they picked the day when my husband wasn’t off and top of it I got to know the same morning that there will be people over because brother in law and MIL decided to have barbecue and they were very inconsiderate that they didn’t have anything vegetarian for me since I’m vegetarian and when I asked to helped she said ok. And I asked if she would like me to make a guacamole she said ok and I asked her to taste if it’s ok she made a face while tasting it and said “I don’t know what you can do with it” I thought it was so rude. I didn’t say anything. I feel like I’m the sober one perhaps that’s why I don’t connect. Seems very moody people therefore hard to connect with. I guess I must be wrong since everyone here thinks I’m a freeloader and have no right to complain

 

They were hosting a bbq. Your husband was working so clearly the bbq was nothing to do with you or your husband.

So why should they cater for your vegetarian needs?

They paid for the food. You didn’t. What did you contribute? Obviously nothing since you haven’t worked a day in 6 months.

 

Maybe your guacamole wasn’t great? Doesn’t matter really? You didn’t pay for the avocados ?

 

I am actually being serious when I ask why did you marry this guy? You signed up for it. You don’t work. And you complain about others who do work and pay their own way? What did you expect?

Link to comment
Really, Rainy? I could throw together a vegetarian dish in 30 minutes. You seem to enjoy being a martyr. What were you going to eat that night anyway if there hadn't been a bbq planned?

 

I was gonna cook and What can you do when kitchen is being used. I can’t tell her get out so I can cook. Don’t you think when you have family gathering you cooking for everyone apart from one person isn’t that rude? Does that make me feel like I am a part of family?

Link to comment
That’s exactly how I think. I tried to build a relationship with these people but it’s like you have to do 100% and they might do 2% so it’s exhausting. I should the one to always greet etc. Now I keep to myself because I have tried my best and honestly I do need a space as well. So my convos are minimum with them. And they are anyways never keen to start a convo or something so entire pressure is on me. I’m hurt because I have noticed few times that my husband is bit bias towards them.

 

My post had nothing to do with getting along with them day to day and everything to do about establishing a marital home with your husband and trying to understand why he and you would put up with being absorbed as a daughter vs being a wife. They could be the nicest people in the world and still living in a communal arrangement with mother as the lady of the house is not appropriate for newlyweds. Its not mentally healthy. Why did you marry him and also why did you go along with this arrangement instead of insisting you move into a tiny tiny space to save money to buy a place together in a few years?

Link to comment
I have tried to build relationship with MIL but she has issues when I ask my husband why is she rude or passive aggressive with me he says it’s because she’s jealous according to him he is her son and she feels jealous of me but when I said it’s not like you are only her son she has other sons. She has grand kids etc so she should be use of the idea of her son having a wife. Recently she had a barbecue I was annoyed because they picked the day when my husband wasn’t off and top of it I got to know the same morning that there will be people over because brother in law and MIL decided to have barbecue and they were very inconsiderate that they didn’t have anything vegetarian for me since I’m vegetarian and when I asked to helped she said ok. And I asked if she would like me to make a guacamole she said ok and I asked her to taste if it’s ok she made a face while tasting it and said “I don’t know what you can do with it” I thought it was so rude. I didn’t say anything. I feel like I’m the sober one perhaps that’s why I don’t connect. Seems very moody people therefore hard to connect with. I guess I must be wrong since everyone here thinks I’m a freeloader and have no right to complain

 

Guacamole is one of those dishes than can be highly varied according to any one person's tastebuds. I know people who have it screaming hot with red chillies mixed in and others who prefer it on the limey or lemony side with lots of other non-spicy acidic flavours. Others don't like as much salt in it and lack of salt can throw off any dish. Fatty dishes like avocado also absorb a lot of salt and a larger amount than normal on most dishes is usually more palatable to more people even though they don't know exactly what's in it. You shouldn't feel bad if it didn't taste great to your MIL.

 

Take it easy. I can see how off-putting her response would be. Just let it go and give yourself a pat on the back for the effort you made and the fact that you made something and contributed to the bbq. Yes, I agree with you that not having any veg dishes for the guests (not just you) is inconsiderate. Lots of people have moved towards vegetarian or plant-based diets and it's part of being a good host, in my opinion anyway.

 

Vent away all you like. I don't think it hurts anyone. Just take it easy and don't let it consume you because it'll make you appear a bit nitpicky and rude yourself even though you might not want to come across that way.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...