Issues with in laws

[rainy446]

Honestly, i would never agree to this arrangement. I would rather live in a tiny apartment that neither of us own with a husband than basically live like children under his mom's roof. She is the lady of the house in this situation and you are the little girl that has come to live with her. I would talk to your husband about mom buying him out of the house or selling it and buying a small little tiny house for just the two of you.

I get the idea that buying is more stable than renting - but renting is just fine during the transitions of life - being newly married, moving to a new area and you are not sure if you like it enough to buy yet, or if you cannot afford to buy without financial help or having a bunch of roomies.

you should NEVER have to give your MIL money. Rather, that utility bill should be in YOUR name if you pay it. If you bring $250 a paycheck, you can afford one of the utility bills. Unless you are college age and they are YOUR parents, do not agree to any arrangement where you pay bills that your name is not in unless it is your spouse's and you are paying the "house bills".

As far as "dead money" with renting - what is more important -- home ownership or a marriage? Honestly, if this goes on, I would leave, i would find a job and tell your husband you can't live like this anymore if he refuses to have a plan to move out or buy mom out or have mom buy him out.

Some parents do gift their kids with house downpayments, but they don't move in and are paid back. If mom was 99 years old and very frail, i could understand having her live there but this is not the case

That’s exactly how I think. I tried to build a relationship with these people but it’s like you have to do 100% and they might do 2% so it’s exhausting. I should the one to always greet etc. Now I keep to myself because I have tried my best and honestly I do need a space as well. So my convos are minimum with them. And they are anyways never keen to start a convo or something so entire pressure is on me. I’m hurt because I have noticed few times that my husband is bit bias towards them.

[Billie28]

I have tried to build relationship with MIL but she has issues when I ask my husband why is she rude or passive aggressive with me he says it’s because she’s jealous according to him he is her son and she feels jealous of me but when I said it’s not like you are only her son she has other sons. She has grand kids etc so she should be use of the idea of her son having a wife. Recently she had a barbecue I was annoyed because they picked the day when my husband wasn’t off and top of it I got to know the same morning that there will be people over because brother in law and MIL decided to have barbecue and they were very inconsiderate that they didn’t have anything vegetarian for me since I’m vegetarian and when I asked to helped she said ok. And I asked if she would like me to make a guacamole she said ok and I asked her to taste if it’s ok she made a face while tasting it and said “I don’t know what you can do with it” I thought it was so rude. I didn’t say anything. I feel like I’m the sober one perhaps that’s why I don’t connect. Seems very moody people therefore hard to connect with. I guess I must be wrong since everyone here thinks I’m a freeloader and have no right to complain

They were hosting a bbq. Your husband was working so clearly the bbq was nothing to do with you or your husband.
So why should they cater for your vegetarian needs?
They paid for the food. You didn’t. What did you contribute? Obviously nothing since you haven’t worked a day in 6 months.

Maybe your guacamole wasn’t great? Doesn’t matter really? You didn’t pay for the avocados ?

I am actually being serious when I ask why did you marry this guy? You signed up for it. You don’t work. And you complain about others who do work and pay their own way? What did you expect?

[rainy446]

Really, Rainy? I could throw together a vegetarian dish in 30 minutes. You seem to enjoy being a martyr. What were you going to eat that night anyway if there hadn't been a bbq planned?

I was gonna cook and What can you do when kitchen is being used. I can’t tell her get out so I can cook. Don’t you think when you have family gathering you cooking for everyone apart from one person isn’t that rude? Does that make me feel like I am a part of family?

[abitbroken]

That’s exactly how I think. I tried to build a relationship with these people but it’s like you have to do 100% and they might do 2% so it’s exhausting. I should the one to always greet etc. Now I keep to myself because I have tried my best and honestly I do need a space as well. So my convos are minimum with them. And they are anyways never keen to start a convo or something so entire pressure is on me. I’m hurt because I have noticed few times that my husband is bit bias towards them.

My post had nothing to do with getting along with them day to day and everything to do about establishing a marital home with your husband and trying to understand why he and you would put up with being absorbed as a daughter vs being a wife. They could be the nicest people in the world and still living in a communal arrangement with mother as the lady of the house is not appropriate for newlyweds. Its not mentally healthy. Why did you marry him and also why did you go along with this arrangement instead of insisting you move into a tiny tiny space to save money to buy a place together in a few years?

[Rose Mosse]

I have tried to build relationship with MIL but she has issues when I ask my husband why is she rude or passive aggressive with me he says it’s because she’s jealous according to him he is her son and she feels jealous of me but when I said it’s not like you are only her son she has other sons. She has grand kids etc so she should be use of the idea of her son having a wife. Recently she had a barbecue I was annoyed because they picked the day when my husband wasn’t off and top of it I got to know the same morning that there will be people over because brother in law and MIL decided to have barbecue and they were very inconsiderate that they didn’t have anything vegetarian for me since I’m vegetarian and when I asked to helped she said ok. And I asked if she would like me to make a guacamole she said ok and I asked her to taste if it’s ok she made a face while tasting it and said “I don’t know what you can do with it” I thought it was so rude. I didn’t say anything. I feel like I’m the sober one perhaps that’s why I don’t connect. Seems very moody people therefore hard to connect with. I guess I must be wrong since everyone here thinks I’m a freeloader and have no right to complain

Guacamole is one of those dishes than can be highly varied according to any one person's tastebuds. I know people who have it screaming hot with red chillies mixed in and others who prefer it on the limey or lemony side with lots of other non-spicy acidic flavours. Others don't like as much salt in it and lack of salt can throw off any dish. Fatty dishes like avocado also absorb a lot of salt and a larger amount than normal on most dishes is usually more palatable to more people even though they don't know exactly what's in it. You shouldn't feel bad if it didn't taste great to your MIL.

Take it easy. I can see how off-putting her response would be. Just let it go and give yourself a pat on the back for the effort you made and the fact that you made something and contributed to the bbq. Yes, I agree with you that not having any veg dishes for the guests (not just you) is inconsiderate. Lots of people have moved towards vegetarian or plant-based diets and it's part of being a good host, in my opinion anyway.

Vent away all you like. I don't think it hurts anyone. Just take it easy and don't let it consume you because it'll make you appear a bit nitpicky and rude yourself even though you might not want to come across that way.

[maew]

When you get to know there’s a barbecue couple of hours before ? She has the whole kitchen blocked doing her things. All I could do is ask if she needs help with stuff. I do cook everyday

You could go to the grocery store and by prepared food, or ask for a little space to whip something up. I have a special diet that I adhere to and by no means do I expect anyone to be responsible for adhering to it on my behalf...I just make sure that I either eat before I go places or that I bring something with me that I know I can eat.

I don't understand why you are expecting them to cook for you... or why you are upset that they are having a bbq in the house they live in. Or why you would even choose to live in such a situation where you knew you would be unhappy. The reality is that you did choose this, so continuing to be angry and resentful is not going to get you anywhere. If you don't want to live there then find a way to move on... or find some acceptance and gratitude for your situation, which is having a free place to live with all of your food, bills and housing paid for.

[j.man]

I was gonna cook and What can you do when kitchen is being used. I can’t tell her get out so I can cook. Don’t you think when you have family gathering you cooking for everyone apart from one person isn’t that rude? Does that make me feel like I am a part of family?

Why would they? I'm not calling them saints, but I highly doubt they're idiots. You've been there six months now, no job, and evidently without any consideration of getting one until your husband upset you bringing up the idea of you getting one part-time to contribute to household expenses. And if you'd rather give the money to your husband for him to more formally join with his contribution, so be it. It's semantics at that point. Bottom line is the mother put down the deposit on the home. Your husband pays the mortgage. Sorry, but flip the script with your husband not working, complaining about the idea of contributing 50 quid or the mother not cooking him food, and you'd quite understandably hear calls of "deadbeat" all the way from the hills. Yes, you and your husband are a marital unit. However, and God forbid it, if for whatever reason my wife and I needed to move in with her parents next week, I wouldn't get to just kick my feet up because her paycheck suffices-- certainly not if I expected them to accept and respect me as family. Your husband is their blood. You're not. If you want respect, you need the merits to command it.

[Billie28]

I was gonna cook and What can you do when kitchen is being used. I can’t tell her get out so I can cook. Don’t you think when you have family gathering you cooking for everyone apart from one person isn’t that rude? Does that make me feel like I am a part of family?

It wasn’t a family gathering.
Your husband wasn’t going to be there. You just happened to be there because you don’t have a job yet.
It was the half owner of the house(your mil) and her son (your bil) that were having people over.

They did let you know. You said you knew that morning.

No you can’t kick someone out of their own kitchen, you can respect their time in their kitchen and cook before or after them.
You aren’t contributing financially , no reason not to do so either, so don’t make demands. Sorry! Being a “wife” doesn’t give you that superiority. Sorry you think it does!
You don’t get on with them, you don’t like them, they don’t like you either.
The mil contributed significantly to the house , neither you or the bil have contributed anything.

Until you start contributing, you have nothing to complain about.

[rainy446]

My post had nothing to do with getting along with them day to day and everything to do about establishing a marital home with your husband and trying to understand why he and you would put up with being absorbed as a daughter vs being a wife. They could be the nicest people in the world and still living in a communal arrangement with mother as the lady of the house is not appropriate for newlyweds. Its not mentally healthy. Why did you marry him and also why did you go along with this arrangement instead of insisting you move into a tiny tiny space to save money to buy a place together in a few years?

Why did I marry him? The same reason anyone marries someone. We love each other and being apart for long was painful so we wanted to get married because we love each other and I did ask him to wait but he couldn’t be patient since he considered it an opportunity to have something on his name instead of paying rent.

[abitbroken]

Why did I marry him? The same reason anyone marries someone. We love each other and being apart for long was painful so we wanted to get married because we love each other and I did ask him to wait but he couldn’t be patient since he considered it an opportunity to have something on his name instead of paying rent.

Read the bolded. Where do the "two become one" figure into that. There is no WE there.

People don't get married just because of being apart or loving eachother. Loving eachother is the start. Then they talk about the other things to see if they make a good life match. When you marry someone, you also marry into their family. You talk about money, faith, kids, and maybe loving the person is not enough because you are not a match. You married a man that will steamroll you and not consider your opinion. If he were to rent a small apartment with you for a year and then look for the right house TOGETHER when you are both settled into your jobs, etc, that is doing things as a team. His want to own a home outweighed every other aspect of your lives - he does not care about privacy as newlyweds or anything else.