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Thread: Issues with in laws

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you moved in on his terms, not yours or yours as a couple. Ultimately two people in a marriage should have similar views about how they treat extended family and other family members. I'm sorry but it doesn't work any other way and there will be rifts and issues without compatible views. If you feel you've made a mistake, start finding solutions now to support yourself and find your way out. You may have to move back to your home country and forego this marriage if you're not committed to making it work or can't see a future here.

    This might sound a bit harsh but I'm going to be very realistic with you: Expecting your husband to change his ways or his views about how he treats his mother or brother is likely never going to happen. Insisting also that the lives of these other individuals change and their relationships and living situation change is also as unrealistic and unfair to your husband who's keeping thing status quo as it is to them. In other words, his mother and brother and your husband have lived their whole lives thinking this living situation is acceptable.

    In my eyes you have 3 options: 1) remain the long-suffering wife with deep misgivings and build no relationships with his mother, brother or get any closer to your husband, 2) learn to fit in and try to be a bit more humble and flexible and contribute to the home or 3) leave and forego the marriage and take on whatever challenges and liberties that entails. It's up to you.

  2. #12
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    Issues with in laws

    [QUOTE=Billie28;7136370]
    Originally Posted by rainy446
    I have recently moved to the country as well. We were in a relationship for 5 years before getting married but lived in different countries so now itís been almost 6 months since I moved. I knew his mum would be living with us because she payed the deposit that she inherited. She couldnít get mortgage by herself so my husband stepped in. I didnít know about his brother would live too. Since Iím still settling in thatís why I havenít gotten a job. I wasnít keen on idea of husband buying the house with his mother but he just wouldnít listen and wanted to do it anyways. I have to listen everyday how unappreciative I am because he supports me. Even though I never spend any money on anything apart from food or if we go out to watch a movie or for dinner or something.[/QUO
    So you only really know your husband 6 months.
    And you are now only discussing getting a part time job?
    Why are you not looking for a full time job? Sounds like you can earn more than your brother in law if you worked full time!?

    You donít spend money apart from food , movie tickets or dinners out? But when you do itís his money not yours anyway??
    You have had 6 months to look for a job!
    Stop pretending you are ďsettlingĒ in!

    If you donít like what you what signed up for , file for divorce.
    Unfortunately his family canít divorce you.
    I have known my husband not just for 6 months but obviously itís different when you get married and see each other everyday.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Unfortunately you moved in on his terms, not yours or yours as a couple. Ultimately two people in a marriage should have similar views about how they treat extended family and other family members. I'm sorry but it doesn't work any other way and there will be rifts and issues without compatible views. If you feel you've made a mistake, start finding solutions now to support yourself and find your way out. You may have to move back to your home country and forego this marriage if you're not committed to making it work or can't see a future here.

    This might sound a bit harsh but I'm going to be very realistic with you: Expecting your husband to change his ways or his views about how he treats his mother or brother is likely never going to happen. Insisting also that the lives of these other individuals change and their relationships and living situation change is also as unrealistic and unfair to your husband who's keeping thing status quo as it is to them. In other words, his mother and brother and your husband have lived their whole lives thinking this living situation is acceptable.

    In my eyes you have 3 options: 1) remain the long-suffering wife with deep misgivings and build no relationships with his mother, brother or get any closer to your husband, 2) learn to fit in and try to be a bit more humble and flexible and contribute to the home or 3) leave and forego the marriage and take on whatever challenges and liberties that entails. It's up to you.
    I have tried to build relationship with MIL but she has issues when I ask my husband why is she rude or passive aggressive with me he says itís because sheís jealous according to him he is her son and she feels jealous of me but when I said itís not like you are only her son she has other sons. She has grand kids etc so she should be use of the idea of her son having a wife. Recently she had a barbecue I was annoyed because they picked the day when my husband wasnít off and top of it I got to know the same morning that there will be people over because brother in law and MIL decided to have barbecue and they were very inconsiderate that they didnít have anything vegetarian for me since Iím vegetarian and when I asked to helped she said ok. And I asked if she would like me to make a guacamole she said ok and I asked her to taste if itís ok she made a face while tasting it and said ďI donít know what you can do with itĒ I thought it was so rude. I didnít say anything. I feel like Iím the sober one perhaps thatís why I donít connect. Seems very moody people therefore hard to connect with. I guess I must be wrong since everyone here thinks Iím a freeloader and have no right to complain

  4. #14
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Why can't you make your own vegetarian dishes? What's wrong with you?

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  6. #15
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    Honestly, i would never agree to this arrangement. I would rather live in a tiny apartment that neither of us own with a husband than basically live like children under his mom's roof. She is the lady of the house in this situation and you are the little girl that has come to live with her. I would talk to your husband about mom buying him out of the house or selling it and buying a small little tiny house for just the two of you.

    I get the idea that buying is more stable than renting - but renting is just fine during the transitions of life - being newly married, moving to a new area and you are not sure if you like it enough to buy yet, or if you cannot afford to buy without financial help or having a bunch of roomies.

    you should NEVER have to give your MIL money. Rather, that utility bill should be in YOUR name if you pay it. If you bring $250 a paycheck, you can afford one of the utility bills. Unless you are college age and they are YOUR parents, do not agree to any arrangement where you pay bills that your name is not in unless it is your spouse's and you are paying the "house bills".

    As far as "dead money" with renting - what is more important -- home ownership or a marriage? Honestly, if this goes on, I would leave, i would find a job and tell your husband you can't live like this anymore if he refuses to have a plan to move out or buy mom out or have mom buy him out.

    Some parents do gift their kids with house downpayments, but they don't move in and are paid back. If mom was 99 years old and very frail, i could understand having her live there but this is not the case

  7. #16
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    [QUOTE=rainy446;7136372]
    Originally Posted by Billie28

    I have known my husband not just for 6 months but obviously itís different when you get married and see each other everyday.
    5 years online , or even 10 years does not equate to 6 months in person.
    You are living proof of that!

  8. #17
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    Issues with in laws

    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Why can't you make your own vegetarian dishes? What's wrong with you?
    When you get to know thereís a barbecue couple of hours before ? She has the whole kitchen blocked doing her things. All I could do is ask if she needs help with stuff. I do cook everyday

  9. #18
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    [QUOTE=Billie28;7136378]
    Originally Posted by rainy446

    5 years online , or even 10 years does not equate to 6 months in person.
    You are living proof of that!
    Jeez Billie, I think you are quiet harsh. Itís not like people donít get divorced if they havenít been in long distance. Also itís not like we only had cyber relationship.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Butterfly~Wrists's Avatar
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    What cultures are you both? That may play a part in why your husband extended family live with you and why your husband disregarded your feelings.

    What was the plan job wise once you moved and got settled? It isn't easy depending on where in the UK you live. I don't think your free loading, your husband knew you would be moving without a job and it is his job to manage his family, not excuse their behaviour. Paying his mum £50 seems unfair if it is his house and you're married, paying a contribution with your husband for utilities and mortgage is fair once in a job and earning a regular income.
    Honestly though, if it was me I would up and leave, he sounds like a mummy's boy without a spine and you deserve better.

  11. #20
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rainy446
    When you get to know thereís a barbecue couple of hours before ? She has the whole kitchen blocked doing her things. All I could do is ask if she needs help with stuff. I do cook everyday
    Really, Rainy? I could throw together a vegetarian dish in 30 minutes. You seem to enjoy being a martyr. What were you going to eat that night anyway if there hadn't been a bbq planned?

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