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Thread: Issues with in laws

  1. #1

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    Issues with in laws

    Im having issues with my husbandís family. I donít really get along with them. They donít seem so keen to even start a conversation with me. I moved in with them 5-6 months back and I still donít feel comfortable around them. Mother in law seems to have passive aggressive temperament and brother in law literally seems like a jealousy little kid. My husband bought a house with his mum. He basically pays the mortgage and she contributed money that she inherited to buy the house. Brother in law wasnít suppose to live with us but now it seems like he would never move out because according to my husband he doesnít earn enough. Iím getting bit annoyed with the fact that his mum drinks everyday and his brother smokes weed everyday. I donít like that kind of vibe , they seem like moody people. My husband thinks he made a great choice because renting is basically dead money so eventually this will be his house so to him itís a great investment while for me I donít like the vibe of people I live with and Iím beginning to see that my husband has bit of double standards towards his family. Lately when we talked about me working part time which will only land me up with 400£ excluding travel, phone bill etc so after my bill I would probably be left with 250£ and he still expected me to pay his mum 50£ out of it because she pays couple of utilities bills and I was surprised how he thinks his everyday weed smoking brother doesnít earn enough to move out even though he earns above 700£ and me just left 250 £ should still give money to his mum and also she gets half of the rent that comes from a tenant. I donít know if itís fair? His mum doesnít cook for me or anything. I thought I was supppse to work to help him out so I can take care of my bills. He says his brother gives little money to his mum so I should too? She cooks for him not for me. Isnít husband and I suppose to be considered one? He pays mortgage, internet. I feel like we are individuals living on rent. Ugh can anyone help me out understand. Thanks for reading the post.

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    This is really an untenable situation. You can't go on living in this environment. Something has to give.

    I'd rather live with my husband alone and pay rent than do what you're doing. The best option would be to sell the house and split the profit. Then get a full time job and save up enough money to get a starter home on your own. If you're husband doesn't see a problem with the way things are now, you might want to reconsider your relationship.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    If he's your husband it's going to be your house too.

    I think you getting a job is a great idea - you need some healthy space away from his family - they are bugging you. I'd try that first and see how you feel.

  4. #4
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    Your husband has not bought a house with his mother.
    He couldnít afford to buy because he didnít have the deposit and she paid the deposit.
    If he allowed her name in the property when he is paying the full mortgage then he is a fool.
    When his mother dies she might leave half the house (her entitlement) to the other son.
    So, unless itís his name solely on the house , he will only eventually own half of it , regardless of the mortgage payments.

    Why are you not working? Why are you freeloading?
    Do you have children? You ďthoughtĒ that you working was to help your husband out so you can pay your own bills??? You should be paying your own anyway? Are you telling me that your husband has been paying all of your personal bills too?
    While you sit at home all day?
    And you are complaining that the mother in law doesnít cook for you?

    I think your husband just has a lot of freeloaders on his hands?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    There were reasons you married your husband and lived with his family that made sense to you in the beginning. I agree with Gary and instead of jumping to anything immediately or confusing yourself further, find yourself some employment and rely less on his mother in law. I feel like there are missing parts to the story and perhaps none of you are really able to support yourselves independently (due to any number of personal reasons).

    Since you're in this situation, go back and revisit the reasons for marrying your husband and moving in with his family in the first place and see whether things have changed for you (a change of heart or a change of circumstances). I agree with Billie's points: it's not really in your best interests to complain when you aren't contributing to the family unit if you are all operating as a family unit in the first place.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Frankly, I can't crucify your husband. If you're not working or adequately contributing financially, he's stuck between a rock and a hard place figuring out what the best investment he can provide on his own is. Personally, as someone who has owned a home, then rented again, and is now closing on our next home, I disagree with renting being "dead money." Still, this is the decision he felt it best to make and without you stepping in to pitch in the money for an alternative, it is what it is. Would I enter into this sort of arrangement? Probably not. Sounds like a dozen and one problems waiting to happen. But I'd also be in a position to provide 50£ a month without winging about it. Seems to me your husband accounted for the fact you're not going to be able to make a substantive contribution any time soon, so he made a well-intended even if evidently sloppy decision as a result.

    As far as what's "fair" with his mother, I notice a lot of people who are inexperienced like to assume mortgage payments are the bottom line like 20% down payments just aren't a thing. Mortgage payments are near universally cheaper than any comparable rent would be. It's the down payment which is ultimately the biggest risk. It's very difficult to qualify what's "fair" when someone's sacrificed a giant chunk of their cash-on-hand into a non-liquid asset while others thereon enjoy the benefit of what's essentially discounted rent.

    And, at the end of the day, you're bucking against the idea of contributing an entire 50£. It's hard to claim much stake or influence when it'd literally be of zero consequence absent maybe everyone else gaining more living space were you to decide to move into your parents tomorrow. And really, absent that or divorce, all you can really do is ponder how to adjust your attitude rather than focus on being resentful of his brother making more than you despite his egregious weed habit and apparently his mom not cooking for you (if you're not working, why aren't you cooking for both of you anyhow?).

    FWIW, and I'm not terribly familiar with UK law though the principle stems from the same common law standard, your husband and his mother (assuming both names on the title) will almost assuredly have a right of survivorship should one or the other die. How that might impact you should he die before his mother is something I'd look into relative to legally enforced marital assets, but it's incredibly unlikely the son would take over her name on the title while your husband's is still on it. Fun fact, this is actually one of the biggest risks of jointly owning a home with someone other than a spouse, should you desire your own kin to inherit it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    A partner in a caring relationship discusses major decisions like buying a house with his spouse. How long have you been married? I highly doubt you agreed this was a good decision because you don't get along with his family. Did he not ask you or did he ignore your wishes? If so, why do you want to stay married with a man who doesn't have your best interests at heart?

    No matter how much I love my husband, if he went through with this sort of arrangement, it'd be a dealbreaker for me. I'd rather live alone than be subjected to that toxic environment every day, including a husband who disregards my wishes.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Lately when we talked about me working part time which will only land me up with 400£ excluding travel, phone bill etc so after my bill I would probably be left with 250£ and he still expected me to pay his mum 50£ out of it because she pays couple of utilities bills and I was surprised how he thinks his everyday weed smoking brother doesnít earn enough to move out even though he earns above 700£ and me just left 250 £ should still give money to his mum and also she gets half of the rent that comes from a tenant. I donít know if itís fair?
    Are we right in assuming from this that you aren't actually working now? No wonder you are so irritated by these people... even the nicest people on earth get irritating when we spend 24 x 7 hours with them. And in the scheme of things, you seem to be getting your bills / housing paid for right now... seems like a pretty sweet deal to me, so why are you complaining about giving your MIL a little money?

    Honestly OP unless you were totally railroaded into this decision (in which case I agree with Andrina) your husband did his best to come up with a solution that would provide for the people he cares about.

    P.S. I do not get why you are complaining about his mom not cooking for you if you are living there for free. Why should she do anything for you? Do your own cooking... it's literally the least you could do.

  10. #9

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    Issues with in laws

    I have recently moved to the country as well. We were in a relationship for 5 years before getting married but lived in different countries so now itís been almost 6 months since I moved. I knew his mum would be living with us because she payed the deposit that she inherited. She couldnít get mortgage by herself so my husband stepped in. I didnít know about his brother would live too. Since Iím still settling in thatís why I havenít gotten a job. I wasnít keen on idea of husband buying the house with his mother but he just wouldnít listen and wanted to do it anyways. I have to listen everyday how unappreciative I am because he supports me. Even though I never spend any money on anything apart from food or if we go out to watch a movie or for dinner or something.

  11. #10
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    [QUOTE=rainy446;7136367]I have recently moved to the country as well. We were in a relationship for 5 years before getting married but lived in different countries so now itís been almost 6 months since I moved. I knew his mum would be living with us because she payed the deposit that she inherited. She couldnít get mortgage by herself so my husband stepped in. I didnít know about his brother would live too. Since Iím still settling in thatís why I havenít gotten a job. I wasnít keen on idea of husband buying the house with his mother but he just wouldnít listen and wanted to do it anyways. I have to listen everyday how unappreciative I am because he supports me. Even though I never spend any money on anything apart from food or if we go out to watch a movie or for dinner or something.[/QUO
    So you only really know your husband 6 months.
    And you are now only discussing getting a part time job?
    Why are you not looking for a full time job? Sounds like you can earn more than your brother in law if you worked full time!?

    You donít spend money apart from food , movie tickets or dinners out? But when you do itís his money not yours anyway??
    You have had 6 months to look for a job!
    Stop pretending you are ďsettlingĒ in!

    If you donít like what you what signed up for , file for divorce.
    Unfortunately his family canít divorce you.

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