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Feel myself slipping away.


Hutchypro

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Please help. I have posted here before about my ex and we hadn't spoken for a couple of months because she deliberately ignored me. So I left her alone. I had been getting on with life, struggling but moving forward slowly. She seemed fine.

Last week I went past her, the first time I had seen her since break up and I tried to say hello but she totally ignored me. I laughed it off and carried on. Later that day I received a text from her saying she did see me but I wasn't facing her so couldn't say hello.....I know this to be rubbish and I think she text because of guilt. Anyway she's been texting me ever since. She started off closed but has been getting more and more 'friendly' she keeps the convo going now, asks me questions, sends me links to things etc. I'm totally confused. I've tried to be reserved as I don't want to get hurt again. I'm still hurting because I still love her.

I have also found out that she is chatting/ talking to another guy! At the same time as me....Knowing this has made me make a bad turn (she doesn't know I know) I'm losing my mind, the thought of them together, thinking what he has that I don't. He looks a brute of a guy, a bit rough etc not the type o thought she would like. She will messsge me back instantly then all of a sudden, ignore me for hours.

I don't know what to do, I don't know where to turn, I feel sick to my stomach and I can't see a way forward right now, I suffer from anxiety and it's really bad I can feel myself slipping away :(

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She likes the ego boost that you have a crush on her. She's getting what she wants--attention from a fan. It's doing the opposite for you so I don't know why you don't block her number. Your fate lies with someone else when you are emotionally ready to date again, which won't happen when you haven't thoroughly mourned this relationship and moved on. Stop checking on what's she's doing and with whom. It's setting you back to square one every day.

 

It's hard to imagine right now, but once you get time and distance away from this relationship, you will realize it's best that it ended.

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She might think you two are at a place where you can be friendly again. It's normal to talk to more than one person when you're single and just have fun, but not when one of them is your ex.

 

My take is that she is using you as an emotional comfort blanket while she dips her toes into the single waters. Clearly you are not benefitting from talking to her, so the best move would be to stop.

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I think she knows I still have feelings, I'm not afraid to hide from this fact. We were together for three years so it's still very raw for me after only a few months we separated. I'm struggling to accept she can move on so fast. I know it's none of my business anymore, I even told her I want her to be happy...she didn't say it back to me.

I'm also a bit worried for her, because I still care about her I don't want her getting hurt. He looks the type if you know what I mean and seems to have loads of girls following him. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.

She deleted a few of her pics but has kept the ones that involved me. I've kept mine too. I wish her well, she seems to be doing fine I just get really angry and upset when I think of him with her

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She likes the ego boost that you have a crush on her. She's getting what she wants--attention from a fan. It's doing the opposite for you so I don't know why you don't block her number. Your fate lies with someone else when you are emotionally ready to date again, which won't happen when you haven't thoroughly mourned this relationship and moved on. Stop checking on what's she's doing and with whom. It's setting you back to square one every day.

 

It's hard to imagine right now, but once you get time and distance away from this relationship, you will realize it's best that it ended.

 

Thanks Andrina. I still love her, it's very difficult for me to move on. Finding it very hard to accept at the moment. Emotions do crazy things to you

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I don't think her actions are sinister. She just doesn't know where you're at right now and she's not a mindreader. You bumped into each other in the same neighbourhood. To me, it seems more like she was caught like a deer in headlights, her first instincts were not to antagonize the situation and let you go peaceably on your way and her on her way. Or, as she says she didn't see you at all or you wouldn't have been able to see her without her drawing attention to herself unnecessarily. In hindsight she felt bad about it and overcompensated by being overly friendly. She's nervous about the break up and the way she may seem to others/you, the way I'm reading it. Also, she's moved on with someone else. Leave her alone.

 

You have to learn to deal with your own responses, triggers and anxiety. If you know that part of your life is over, let it go and stop attributing this to love. Whatever your residual emotions are, it's over. Try and be realistic that that part of your life (aside from its lessons) doesn't serve any other purpose to you now. You're limiting yourself by continuing to speak to her or engage in those conversations that take you back to a past which has nothing to do with your future. Move on.

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I think she knows I still have feelings, I'm not afraid to hide from this fact. We were together for three years so it's still very raw for me after only a few months we separated. I'm struggling to accept she can move on so fast. I know it's none of my business anymore, I even told her I want her to be happy...she didn't say it back to me.

I'm also a bit worried for her, because I still care about her I don't want her getting hurt. He looks the type if you know what I mean and seems to have loads of girls following him. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.

She deleted a few of her pics but has kept the ones that involved me. I've kept mine too. I wish her well, she seems to be doing fine I just get really angry and upset when I think of him with her

 

Her chatting to other guys is not a sign that she has dismissed the relationship she had with you.

She might be chatting as a way of boosting her self esteem but not necessarily to start dating or enter a relationship anytime soon. That’s you jumping to conclusions.

 

It is not your responsibility to prevent her getting hurt. That’s her own responsibility.

It is your responsibility to prevent you getting hurt avd clearky this contact with her is hurting you. So end it.

You don’t need to tell her , you don’t owe her that, just stop replying.

 

How do you even know she is chatting to this guy?

If you are still connected on social media then you have never gone NC.

NC is no contact either direct or indirect.

Remove her from your social media.

 

I have pics of exes on my social media that I have not deleted going back 15 years! Why? Because I don’t even think about those exes to even bother deleting. Keeping pics is not necessarily a positive sign. It’s more of an I don’t care sign.

Deleting pics however is more a sign of someone being upset or angry at the other.

 

You contradict yourself by saying you want her to be happy but then getting angry at the thought of her with another guy.

What if being with that other guy IS what makes her happy?

 

What are you doing for yourself to get past this?

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I don't think her actions are sinister. She just doesn't know where you're at right now and she's not a mindreader. You bumped into each other in the same neighbourhood. To me, it seems more like she was caught like a deer in headlights, her first instincts were not to antagonize the situation and let you go peaceably on your way and her on her way. Or, as she says she didn't see you at all or you wouldn't have been able to see her without her drawing attention to herself unnecessarily. In hindsight she felt bad about it and overcompensated

 

She definitely saw me, she told me that in text. I do believe she might of panicked and didn't know what to do. I don't believe she is sinister too. She still carry on the conversation though, it's nice to talk to her but I know it's getting me nowhere. I think she knows I still like her. I have asked after breaking to try again. I've told her how I feel, and I asked for coffee. I left it after that and I also didn't keep texting her after she ignored me. If she hadn't of messaged me first I wouldn't be chatting to her now.

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That’s you jumping to conclusions.

Yes I could well be

 

It is not your responsibility to prevent her getting hurt. That’s her own responsibility.

It is your responsibility to prevent you getting hurt avd clearky this contact with her is hurting you. So end it.

You don’t need to tell her , you don’t owe her that, just stop replying.

 

Ok thanks. I know deep down it's nothing to do with me, it's just difficult for me to stop caring but she has her own mind I know that, it's none of my business

 

How do you even know she is chatting to this guy?

If you are still connected on social media then you have never gone NC.

NC is no contact either direct or indirect.

Remove her from your social media.

 

We are still on social media, I unfollowed her to stop me seeing her. I was doing well, getting on with life until this new guy came and she started talking to me again

 

I have pics of exes on my social media that I have not deleted going back 15 years! Why? Because I don’t even think about those exes to even bother deleting. Keeping pics is not necessarily a positive sign. It’s more of an I don’t care sign.

Deleting pics however is more a sign of someone being upset or angry at the other.

 

Yes that's true, I guess for me they are kept because it's too painful for me to delete at the moment, plus I don't know of I would because it's part of my history

 

 

You contradict yourself by saying you want her to be happy but then getting angry at the thought of her with another guy.

What if being with that other guy IS what makes her happy?

 

That's true, I am. He could well do, then there is nothing I can do.

 

What are you doing for yourself to get past this?

Concentrating on work, keeping busy, doing my hobbies, etc

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Rather than unfollow her, delete and block.

It’s doing you no good and you know that!

 

Leave her be.

 

She doesn’t need you to look after her well being just like you don’t need her to look after yours.

 

Stop trying to over analyse. It’s over. You know that, she knows that, we all know that.

It hurts. We also all know that.

But make it hurt less by removing her from social media.

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She definitely saw me, she told me that in text. I do believe she might of panicked and didn't know what to do. I don't believe she is sinister too. She still carry on the conversation though, it's nice to talk to her but I know it's getting me nowhere. I think she knows I still like her. I have asked after breaking to try again. I've told her how I feel, and I asked for coffee. I left it after that and I also didn't keep texting her after she ignored me. If she hadn't of messaged me first I wouldn't be chatting to her now.

 

I'm sorry but you're way too passive. When we blame others for the way we feel what we're really doing is giving another person that power over our emotions and daily lives. It's that relinquishing of personal autonomy that I don't agree with. Take that back. You owe it to yourself.

 

Your last line "If she hadn't messaged me first I wouldn't be chatting to her now" suggests that you are powerless and reacting without restraint or without thinking in your best interests. Your self-confidence seems very, very low or you're in terrible pain. Please don't feel like you have to respond when someone messages you, most of all an ex whom you still have feelings for or in a break up you haven't made peace with. I think you need a lot more time and try and be proactive about the way you live your life - get out of this passive place. Start taking charge of your life and don't let things just happen to you. If they do happen, sidestep/bypass them if not worth it or deal with it head on and let it go.

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Rather than unfollow her, delete and block.

It’s doing you no good and you know that!

 

Leave her be.

 

She doesn’t need you to look after her well being just like you don’t need her to look after yours.

 

Stop trying to over analyse. It’s over. You know that, she knows that, we all know that.

It hurts. We also all know that.

But make it hurt less by removing her from social media.

 

Thanks. I'm really trying my best

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I'm sorry but you're way too passive. When we blame others for the way we feel what we're really doing is giving another person that power over our emotions and daily lives. It's that relinquishing of personal autonomy that I don't agree with. Take that back. You owe it to yourself.

 

Your last line "If she hadn't messaged me first I wouldn't be chatting to her now" suggests that you are powerless and reacting without restraint or without thinking in your best interests. Your self-confidence seems very, very low or you're in terrible pain. Please don't feel like you have to respond when someone messages you, most of all an ex whom you still have feelings for or in a break up you haven't made peace with. I think you need a lot more time and try and be proactive about the way you live your life - get out of this passive place. Start taking charge of your life and don't let things just happen to you. If they do happen, sidestep/bypass them if not worth it or deal with it head on and let it go.

 

I didn't realise I was being passive but you're right. I'd say I'm in pain and my self confidence is low. It's taken a battering the last few months. I'm working on it, I was a very confident person when I met her and I need to get back to that state.

I guess my mind is still in the denial phase a bit, I take a while to overcome things, especially with emotions.

A lot of people tell me just to 'get over it' it's easier said than done. I fell badly for this girl, I know she doesn't feel the same way at all. I will never know the true reasons why things happened the way they did but that's ok. I have to accept that I will never know.

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Give yourself a chance to move forwards. I do feel you are in a bit of a denial phase too. Get out of that denial thought cycle. It's not healthy. It's ok to process but you have to accept that it's over and give yourself a chance to live on your own terms - redesign everything, your life and how you want to live. It's forwards now.

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Give yourself a chance to move forwards. I do feel you are in a bit of a denial phase too. Get out of that denial thought cycle. It's not healthy. It's ok to process but you have to accept that it's over and give yourself a chance to live on your own terms - redesign everything, your life and how you want to live. It's forwards now.

 

Thanks I'm making plans. I'm meeting a girl for a drink, nothing more than that at the moment.

How do you get over the thought of them 'together' it's horrible. He looks really manly and very different to me. Makes me feel inadequate. I know that's my own insecurities but it's painful

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Excellent. Enjoy. One step at a time. Healing is more of a dance with some do-si-dos along the way rather than a linear one foot in front of the other progression.

Thanks I'm making plans. I'm meeting a girl for a drink, nothing more than that at the moment.
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Thanks I'm making plans. I'm meeting a girl for a drink, nothing more than that at the moment.

How do you get over the thought of them 'together' it's horrible. He looks really manly and very different to me. Makes me feel inadequate. I know that's my own insecurities but it's painful

 

Pain, the emotion itself, is a very real indicator for room for improvement. Visually, physically, there may be nothing you can change about yourself. When I was young I didn't fit in with my peers either and I certainly wasn't the prettiest girl in the room (far from it, a superbly ugly duckling). Even though you think you don't fall within the stereotypical idea of what 'manly' means, you should still recognize that you are no less of a man. Whatever you are, whatever you look like, you are what you identify with and if you identify as your own kind of manly, you'll be surprised how many will think of you as plain... manly. It's about what you think of yourself and how you project your identity forwards.

 

I think all of us at some point in our lives wrestle with feelings of inadequacy. Whether it's mental, emotional or physical... sometimes it's financial, family-related, feeling inadequate because of failed opportunities etc. Part and parcel of learning from all of this and making peace with them/moving forwards positively is understanding the things we are uncomfortable about in ourselves and finding ways to confront that and put it to rest. If you're not feeling manly enough in your own mind, ask yourself first what you think is manly in the first place and engage with those ideas that define manliness or masculinity. Search for different representations of what manly means in your world and then see how it compares to how others define masculinity. You might want to explore your set of ideas and look representations of what man means. Perhaps your ideas may be a little limited.

 

In every instance that I've felt inadequate I couldn't help but notice that they were constructs in my mind that I'd subconsciously built. Sometimes they were triggered by events that made me feel insecure and other times they just developed on their own over not one event but a series of small events in my life. In order to break that cycle of feelings of inadequacy I had to go back and revisit what caused those social or ideological constructs in the first place in my mind and ask myself why I thought I fell outside of those ideas/ideals. Don't be afraid. Work things through and accept yourself. Grow from this.

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Excellent. Enjoy. One step at a time. Healing is more of a dance with some do-si-dos along the way rather than a linear one foot in front of the other progression.

 

Thanks! It definitely a roller coaster. This relationship was one which I class as I truly fell in love with the girl. I've never been through heart break like this. I know it happens to nearly everyone at least once in life, but when it happens nothing can really prepare you.

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Pain, the emotion itself, is a very real indicator for room for improvement. Visually, physically, there may be nothing you can change about yourself. When I was young I didn't fit in with my peers either and I certainly wasn't the prettiest girl in the room (far from it, a superbly ugly duckling). Even though you think you don't fall within the stereotypical idea of what 'manly' means, you should still recognize that you are no less of a man. Whatever you are, whatever you look like, you are what you identify with and if you identify as your own kind of manly, you'll be surprised how many will think of you as plain... manly. It's about what you think of yourself and how you project your identity forwards.

 

I think all of us at some point in our lives wrestle with feelings of inadequacy. Whether it's mental, emotional or physical... sometimes it's financial, family-related, feeling inadequate because of failed opportunities etc. Part and parcel of learning from all of this and making peace with them/moving forwards positively is understanding the things we are uncomfortable about in ourselves and finding ways to confront that and put it to rest. If you're not feeling manly enough in your own mind, ask yourself first what you think is manly in the first place and engage with those ideas that define manliness or masculinity. Search for different representations of what manly means in your world and then see how it compares to how others define masculinity. You might want to explore your set of ideas and look representations of what man means. Perhaps your ideas may be a little limited.

 

In every instance that I've felt inadequate I couldn't help but notice that they were constructs in my mind that I'd subconsciously built. Sometimes they were triggered by events that made me feel insecure and other times they just developed on their own over not one event but a series of small events in my life. In order to break that cycle of feelings of inadequacy I had to go back and revisit what caused those social or ideological constructs in the first place in my mind and ask myself why I thought I fell outside of those ideas/ideals. Don't be afraid. Work things through and accept yourself. Grow from this.

 

Thankyou so much for this. It's the fact he appears to have everything she wants and that I couldn't give to her.

I suffer badly with anxiety at the moment from the moment I wake until the moment I go to sleep. This is the problem. I get times where the clouds separate and I feel 'normal' and I don't care about what she is doing, then the depression sets in again.

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Good, ok, at least you are getting out there and meeting women. Not all will be attractive to you, that's ok just keep on keeping on.

I met the other girl. I didn't feel any spark between us and I didn't feel attracted to her :( she liked me though but we've both asked to be friends so I might of made a new friend out of it at least :)
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Good, ok, at least you are getting out there and meeting women. Not all will be attractive to you, that's ok just keep on keeping on.

Thanks. My ex is deliberately trying to get this new guys attention, I thought I was ok but it's killing me now, so I've turned off my social media status because everytime I go on she is on and it hurts

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