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Thread: hurtful and confusing ghosting / fading situation

  1. #1

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    hurtful and confusing ghosting / fading situation

    I've been dating a woman for 4 months. I'm 33 and she's 30. I thought everything was going great. We talk every day, initiated by both of us, and never had a fight.

    About a month ago she flaked on me two times in two days. She seemed genuinely sorry she had to cancel, so I figured stuff happens. However, she never rescheduled these plans.

    After she flaked I didn't reach out to her. She texted me a few days later confused why we weren't talking. I took this as a good sign because I figured she wouldn't have reached out if she wasn't interested. We continued our daily texts exchanges.

    Once again, we made plans and she canceled. Again, she was "so sorry." She apparently forgot she had plans. She even told me she'd much rather see me than do the other plans. Kind of confusing.

    It's now been 2+ weeks and despite texting everyday I'm pretty sure I'm getting slowly faded. I believe that people make time for things/people that care about. We live in the same city so it shouldn't be a problem to get together. Also, actions speak louder than words. If you are really sorry about cancelling plans or would rather see me than your other plans why not make it happen? I am confused, sad and really unsure of what to do. At this point I think it's best to leave it be and not contact her. Any advance is appreciated. thanks in advance.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I agree with you, let it go, work on moving on. You seem much more interested in her than she is in you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Have you guys talked at all about your relationship—where you see it going, and so on—during these four months?

    I ask because you're talking about her more like someone you just met than someone you're dating. Like, why go ice cold when she had to cancel twice? Why even see that as "flaking" but genuinely as "stuff happens," as you put it? Did you have doubts about her interest before she canceled?

    Anyhow: yes, it's true that people make time for people and things they care about. It's also true that people get busy and scattered. Why not ask her calmly and directly what's going on, rather than try to read the tea leaves?

    Kind of sounds like you're operating from a place of pride right now, and in the process just getting more confused. Bringing it up directly might not get you the answer you want, but it will at least bring you clarity.

  4. #4

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Have you guys talked at all about your relationship—where you see it going, and so on—during these four months?

    I ask because you're talking about her more like someone you just met than someone you're dating. Like, why go ice cold when she had to cancel twice? Why even see that as "flaking" but genuinely as "stuff happens," as you put it? Did you have doubts about her interest before she canceled?

    Anyhow: yes, it's true that people make time for people and things they care about. It's also true that people get busy and scattered. Why not ask her calmly and directly what's going on, rather than try to read the tea leaves?

    Kind of sounds like you're operating from a place of pride right now, and in the process just getting more confused. Bringing it up directly might not get you the answer you want, but it will at least bring you clarity.
    Great advice - thank you. No we haven't really discussed our relationship. Brief discussion that we are dating and more "go with the flow." I didn't have doubts before she cancelled, but that just rubbed me the wrong way. Guess I was just "reading the tea leaves." Being cancelled on 3 times in 2 weeks left an uneasy feeling in my gut.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Have you guys talked at all about your relationship—where you see it going, and so on—during these four months?

    I ask because you're talking about her more like someone you just met than someone you're dating. Like, why go ice cold when she had to cancel twice? Why even see that as "flaking" but genuinely as "stuff happens," as you put it? Did you have doubts about her interest before she canceled?

    Anyhow: yes, it's true that people make time for people and things they care about. It's also true that people get busy and scattered. Why not ask her calmly and directly what's going on, rather than try to read the tea leaves?

    Kind of sounds like you're operating from a place of pride right now, and in the process just getting more confused. Bringing it up directly might not get you the answer you want, but it will at least bring you clarity.
    I agree with this.

    4 months things shouldnt be this shaky.

    Dont get me wrong, Im not saying you should be married, just your anxiety shouldnt be at this level...its a bit extreme even if this wasnt 4 months though...

    Tell us more about you FP, do you suffer from anxiety, recently broken up,why do you believe youre dating out of fear?

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I agree with this.

    4 months things shouldnt be this shaky.

    Dont get me wrong, Im not saying you should be married, just your anxiety shouldnt be at this level...its a bit extreme even if this wasnt 4 months though...

    Tell us more about you FP, do you suffer from anxiety, recently broken up,why do you believe youre dating out of fear?
    Yes, I have anxiety and depression. Haven't dated very seriously in my life. Not sure what you mean by "Dating out of fear?"

  8. #7
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    Just chiming in to say I do understand why you distanced yourself a bit after she canceled twice in a row, without arranging an alternative day.

    In these early stages (and to me 4 months is still early), I would have done same I think. Not to punish or playing a game, but to take this time for myself to determine if he was the right fit for me.

    And if he was interested, giving him the opportunity to step up.

    That said, shyt does happen. But when it does, the person cancelling typically schedules an alternative day, and will try very hard to not break it again. Again assuming they're interested.

    But twice in a row and then when she did step up and arranged a date, she canceled again? Because she had forgotten she had plans?

    I'm sorry not buying that one. No one who is interested would do this in my humble opinion.

    My advice is cut back on the daily texting or just move on.

    Being that you suffer from anxiety and depression, this woman is not a good fit for you. You simply can't count on her, she's flakey, and will cause you even more anxiety than you had before you met her.

  9. #8
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    I'm sorry, but I would cut contact. She sounds flaky, plus she does not value your time.

    How many times did you see her? Was this a FWB? I don't get a "go with the flow" at 4 months. I would want to know where we stand.

    Block and delete.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by fpson37
    Yes, I have anxiety and depression. Haven't dated very seriously in my life. Not sure what you mean by "Dating out of fear?"
    I figured.

    By dating out of fear, I mean you fear the worst and act accordingly, you pulled back not as a dating tactic but as a defensive move, this dating out of fear, not out of confidence.

    Youre waiting for the other show to drop instead of trusting your connection.

    I’ve been ghosted after months so I get that fear and anxiety, it was until I went through therapy that I was able to manage my anxieties responsibly.

    Dating should be fun. Are you having fun right now? Doesn’t sound like it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    How is cancelling 2 dates flakey?

    3 in a row... ok I’d take a hint, but 2 is still deffinetely in coincidence category unless one has a chip on their shoulder. I’ve cancelled or said no to dates or friends more than once doesn’t mean I’m trying to drop them, life happens. The again I probably would offer an alternative but not everyone follows that rule so I don’t know. I think this is all still Grey area.

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