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hurtful and confusing ghosting / fading situation


fpson37

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I've been dating a woman for 4 months. I'm 33 and she's 30. I thought everything was going great. We talk every day, initiated by both of us, and never had a fight.

 

About a month ago she flaked on me two times in two days. She seemed genuinely sorry she had to cancel, so I figured stuff happens. However, she never rescheduled these plans.

 

After she flaked I didn't reach out to her. She texted me a few days later confused why we weren't talking. I took this as a good sign because I figured she wouldn't have reached out if she wasn't interested. We continued our daily texts exchanges.

 

Once again, we made plans and she canceled. Again, she was "so sorry." She apparently forgot she had plans. She even told me she'd much rather see me than do the other plans. Kind of confusing.

 

It's now been 2+ weeks and despite texting everyday I'm pretty sure I'm getting slowly faded. I believe that people make time for things/people that care about. We live in the same city so it shouldn't be a problem to get together. Also, actions speak louder than words. If you are really sorry about cancelling plans or would rather see me than your other plans why not make it happen? I am confused, sad and really unsure of what to do. At this point I think it's best to leave it be and not contact her. Any advance is appreciated. thanks in advance.

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Have you guys talked at all about your relationship—where you see it going, and so on—during these four months?

 

I ask because you're talking about her more like someone you just met than someone you're dating. Like, why go ice cold when she had to cancel twice? Why even see that as "flaking" but genuinely as "stuff happens," as you put it? Did you have doubts about her interest before she canceled?

 

Anyhow: yes, it's true that people make time for people and things they care about. It's also true that people get busy and scattered. Why not ask her calmly and directly what's going on, rather than try to read the tea leaves?

 

Kind of sounds like you're operating from a place of pride right now, and in the process just getting more confused. Bringing it up directly might not get you the answer you want, but it will at least bring you clarity.

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Have you guys talked at all about your relationship—where you see it going, and so on—during these four months?

 

I ask because you're talking about her more like someone you just met than someone you're dating. Like, why go ice cold when she had to cancel twice? Why even see that as "flaking" but genuinely as "stuff happens," as you put it? Did you have doubts about her interest before she canceled?

 

Anyhow: yes, it's true that people make time for people and things they care about. It's also true that people get busy and scattered. Why not ask her calmly and directly what's going on, rather than try to read the tea leaves?

 

Kind of sounds like you're operating from a place of pride right now, and in the process just getting more confused. Bringing it up directly might not get you the answer you want, but it will at least bring you clarity.

 

Great advice - thank you. No we haven't really discussed our relationship. Brief discussion that we are dating and more "go with the flow." I didn't have doubts before she cancelled, but that just rubbed me the wrong way. Guess I was just "reading the tea leaves." Being cancelled on 3 times in 2 weeks left an uneasy feeling in my gut.

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Have you guys talked at all about your relationship—where you see it going, and so on—during these four months?

 

I ask because you're talking about her more like someone you just met than someone you're dating. Like, why go ice cold when she had to cancel twice? Why even see that as "flaking" but genuinely as "stuff happens," as you put it? Did you have doubts about her interest before she canceled?

 

Anyhow: yes, it's true that people make time for people and things they care about. It's also true that people get busy and scattered. Why not ask her calmly and directly what's going on, rather than try to read the tea leaves?

 

Kind of sounds like you're operating from a place of pride right now, and in the process just getting more confused. Bringing it up directly might not get you the answer you want, but it will at least bring you clarity.

 

I agree with this.

 

4 months things shouldnt be this shaky.

 

Dont get me wrong, Im not saying you should be married, just your anxiety shouldnt be at this level...its a bit extreme even if this wasnt 4 months though...

 

Tell us more about you FP, do you suffer from anxiety, recently broken up,why do you believe youre dating out of fear?

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I agree with this.

 

4 months things shouldnt be this shaky.

 

Dont get me wrong, Im not saying you should be married, just your anxiety shouldnt be at this level...its a bit extreme even if this wasnt 4 months though...

 

Tell us more about you FP, do you suffer from anxiety, recently broken up,why do you believe youre dating out of fear?

 

Yes, I have anxiety and depression. Haven't dated very seriously in my life. Not sure what you mean by "Dating out of fear?"

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Just chiming in to say I do understand why you distanced yourself a bit after she canceled twice in a row, without arranging an alternative day.

 

In these early stages (and to me 4 months is still early), I would have done same I think. Not to punish or playing a game, but to take this time for myself to determine if he was the right fit for me.

 

And if he was interested, giving him the opportunity to step up.

 

That said, shyt does happen. But when it does, the person cancelling typically schedules an alternative day, and will try very hard to not break it again. Again assuming they're interested.

 

But twice in a row and then when she did step up and arranged a date, she canceled again? Because she had forgotten she had plans?

 

I'm sorry not buying that one. No one who is interested would do this in my humble opinion.

 

My advice is cut back on the daily texting or just move on.

 

Being that you suffer from anxiety and depression, this woman is not a good fit for you. You simply can't count on her, she's flakey, and will cause you even more anxiety than you had before you met her.

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I'm sorry, but I would cut contact. She sounds flaky, plus she does not value your time.

 

How many times did you see her? Was this a FWB? I don't get a "go with the flow" at 4 months. I would want to know where we stand.

 

Block and delete.

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Yes, I have anxiety and depression. Haven't dated very seriously in my life. Not sure what you mean by "Dating out of fear?"

 

I figured.

 

By dating out of fear, I mean you fear the worst and act accordingly, you pulled back not as a dating tactic but as a defensive move, this dating out of fear, not out of confidence.

 

Youre waiting for the other show to drop instead of trusting your connection.

 

I’ve been ghosted after months so I get that fear and anxiety, it was until I went through therapy that I was able to manage my anxieties responsibly.

 

Dating should be fun. Are you having fun right now? Doesn’t sound like it.

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How is cancelling 2 dates flakey?

 

3 in a row... ok I’d take a hint, but 2 is still deffinetely in coincidence category unless one has a chip on their shoulder. I’ve cancelled or said no to dates or friends more than once doesn’t mean I’m trying to drop them, life happens. The again I probably would offer an alternative but not everyone follows that rule so I don’t know. I think this is all still Grey area.

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I didn't say two dates was flakey, but three dates in a row? To me that qualifies as flakey.

 

If you don't fio, that's fine, we all view things differently and have different standards.

 

I also might think two dates is an unfortunate coincidence, the red flag for me is not offering to schedule another day.

 

Okay a lot women don't know to do that so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt on that.

 

But then, after scheduling another date, she cancelled again because she claims she had "forgotten" she had already made plans? I mean like, come on now, seriously?

 

It's been said time and time again, that we're all on our best behavior in these early stages.

 

If this is her best, then I wish her luck.

 

In this situation, I think his anxiety is justified.

 

I've got my anxiety pretty much under control, but gotta say if a man I really liked behaved this way with me, I too would feel a bit anxious, my spiny senses would be in high gear and it would most likely be a next after only four months.

 

JMO.

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Also and jmo, cancelling with friends is a completely different thing.

 

Like everyone says, when you meet someone you really like and begin dating, these early stages are when most of us are on our best behavior.

 

It's also the time to determine if someone is the right fit for us.

 

I will admit, when I was dating (pre-boyfriend) it wasn't often a man cancelled on me. In fact, I can't even recall a man cancelling. I am sure some did, I just can't recall.

 

Nor did I cancel on him. If anything, I cancelled plans with friends to go out with him!

 

Yes shyt does happen, and one time no biggee. But two in row, my bells start to ring. Then the third time, with him using the excuse he forgot he had made plans?

 

No thank you. Not after only a few months.

 

Just me.

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Also and jmo, cancelling with friends is a completely different thing imo.

 

Like everyone says, when you meet someone you really like and begin dating, these early stages are when most of us are on our best behavior.

 

It's also the time to determine if someone is the right fit for us.

 

I will admit, when I was dating (pre-boyfriend) it wasn't often a man cancelled on me. In fact, I can't even recall a man cancelling. I am sure some did, I just can't recall.

 

Nor did I cancel on him. If anything, I cancelled plans with friends to go out with him!

 

Yes shyt does happen, and one time no biggee. But two in row, my bells start to ring. Then the third time, with him using the excuse he forgot he had made plans?

 

No thank you. Not after only a few months.

 

Just me.

 

What makes that last cancel even more confusing is that she said she'd actually rather see me than her friends... Very confusing why she'd bail on me, but say that.

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What makes that last cancel even more confusing is that she said she'd actually rather see me than her friends... Very confusing why she'd bail on me, but say that.

 

Does it matter? The bottom line is you can't count on her. Do you really want to continue dating a woman you can't count on to keep something as simple as a date with you?

 

Three dates in a row. The third cancel claiming she "forgot" she had made other plans. OP, I'm sorry this is insulting.

 

I mean, if this were a long term relationship (one year plus) wherein a genuine connection had been made, trust established, and exclusivity agreed upon, I might think differently. Perhaps discuss it.

 

But after only a few months?

 

I dunno, your call, if me I would wish her well and walk.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

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Does it matter? The bottom line is you can't count on her. Do you really want to continue dating a woman you can't count on to keep something as simple as a date with you?

 

Three dates in a row. The third cancel (in a row), claiming she "forgot" she had made other plans. OP, I'm sorry this is insulting.

 

I mean, if this were a long term relationship (one year plus) wherein a genuine connection had been made, trust established, and exclusivity agree upon, I might think differently.

 

But after only a few months?

 

I dunno, your call, if me I wouldn't continue.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

 

Yes, I completely agree with you.

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It sounds like she may be dating and meeting others since there was no exclusive talk and things are so nebulous. Nonetheless, still pretty rude to keep canceling. View this a probable sign of waning interest.

No we haven't really discussed our relationship. Brief discussion that we are dating and more "go with the flow." I didn't have doubts before she cancelled, but that just rubbed me the wrong way. Being cancelled on 3 times in 2 weeks left an uneasy feeling in my gut.
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I do believe the thing to do is to offer or make some other effort after cancelling on anyone regarding an agreed plan. I think she kept you around as an option. When someone treats you like an option, it's best to let go and move on. Perhaps you both just didn't get along as great as you thought you did and she had different expectations (incompatible). It's better she feigns dementia or memory loss and shows poor effort now than later.

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For what it’s worth, I would have done the same thing.

 

1 cancelled date? Doesn’t even register.

2 cancelled dates? Time to pull back a bit and let the other person initiate more

3 cancelled dates? I would pull back completely and let them «drive» (ie: I would maybe answer texts or whatever but I certainly would not go out of my way to talk to them or make plans with them. ALL the initiative has to come from them now)

 

... and really, I think that’s pretty standard. Who the heck wants to chase after someone?!? You should be chasing each other.

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Imo, given that you've been dating 4 months rather than just a few weeks, I think it's reasonable to ask for an honest answer of what's going on rather than just disappearing / cutting contact. I'd be 90% sure that this relationship is on the way out but tbh, I'd just want an explanation for my own peace of mind and closure moving forwards.

 

The other 10% chance I would say could be a genuine reason other than 'losing interest' (e.g. an illness / family bereavement that she's maybe not felt comfortable bringing up given that the 2 of you have just been 'casually dating', but might come out during an honest heart to heart)

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