Go to his house or not?

[goddess]

Hi guys! Some of you know my story. I am now divorced as of this past January. The ex bought a house in November 2018. I live in an apartment. The ex found a new job 3 hours away from where I live. He wasn't planning on moving so that's why he bought a house. But, a really great opportunity came along. So, he'll be moving at the end of this month. My older son, who lives in the same large apartment complex as I do, will be moving into his father's house at the end of this month because the mortgage on the house is about $350 less than the rent of his apartment. My son would have access to a house, albeit small, but certainly quite large compared to his one-bedroom apartment.

Sometimes, when my son runs late at school, he goes straight from school to his martial arts class or another of his functions. When this happens, he gets home very late at night. That said, he has asked me if I'd be able to go to his apartment and feed his cats. This happened only twice (possibly 3 times, can't remember) in the year that I've lived here. He is very responsible but sometimes things happens.

My question is this: if he calls me because he needs for me to feed his cats, should I go to the house? What is the appropriate thing to do? After all, it's the ex's house. Know that I have been NC with him for the past year. At this point, I don't want to see him nor talk to him; no reason to do so. I would appreciate your insight. Thank you. xx

[reinventmyself]

It's not entirely clear.
You state the son would `have access to a house'. Does that mean he'll be the one living there and the ex is now 3 hours away living somewhere else? Are there any chances the ex will be at the house?

[goddess]

It's not entirely clear.
You state the son would `have access to a house'. Does that mean he'll be the one living there and the ex is now 3 hours away living somewhere else? Are there any chances the ex will be at the house?

Yes, my son will be the one moving to the house. The ex will be moving to a duplex 3 hours away because that's where his new job will be. The ex will not be at the house unless he plans to visit my son, for whatever reason. That's what makes me uncomfortable. What happens if he shows up when I'm there? That would be awkward! Granted, if I go, I will only be there for a few minutes.

[saluk]

Can't your son find someone else to feed his cats when he can't make it home? It makes sense for you to do it while he is living with you, but if he is living on his own he'll need to make his own arrangements.

Since he'll be living there presumably he'll be paying down the mortgage, so the ex isn't living there. If he calls you and needs you for something, it shouldn't be weird for you to go to the house even though it technically belongs to the landlord. But if it's not worth the drama to you it doesn't sound like it should be a big deal to say you don't want to go there for things that don't require it to be you.

[~Seraphim ~]

Why doesn’t he leave food out for the day? I always have dry kibble out for the cats.

[goddess]

Can't your son find someone else to feed his cats when he can't make it home? It makes sense for you to do it while he is living with you, but if he is living on his own he'll need to make his own arrangements.

Since he'll be living there presumably he'll be paying down the mortgage, so the ex isn't living there. If he calls you and needs you for something, it shouldn't be weird for you to go to the house even though it technically belongs to the landlord. But if it's not worth the drama to you it doesn't sound like it should be a big deal to say you don't want to go there for things that don't require it to be you.

Yes, my son will be paying the mortgage, rather than the rent for his apartment. My son doesn't live with me. He lives in the same apartment complex as I do (on opposite ends). He doesn't really know anyone in that area. His friends all live around where he lives now (about 1/2 hour away from the house). It's just weird because it's my ex's house. Anyway, I suppose my son should make it a point to leave enough food for the kitties, regardless of when he gets home. I don't want to run into my ex, that's all. I think it's unlikely, but you never know. I would hate to see him.

[goddess]

Why doesn’t he leave food out for the day? I always have dry kibble out for the cats.

Yes, I'll suggest that to him because I would rather not go over in the event that I might possibly run into the ex, although it's highly unlikely. With my luck, that'll happen. LOL

[~Seraphim ~]

It just makes sense to leave food out and not haul his mom across wherever.

[bluecastle]

Because the idea of seeing your ex remains a trigger—understandable, big hugs—I think you're subconsciously jumping to the worst case scenario and trying to mitigate it as if it's already happened.

I say just take a deep breath, accept that that's the root of the nerves here, and then refocus on the actual situation, which isn't so nervy.

Your son is moving into a new house where your ex once lived. Your ex is moving elsewhere. The odds of you seeing your ex, in that dynamic, are basically the same as the odds of you seeing him at a stop light. Very slim.

Should something come up where those odds change—should your son ask you for some help with the kitties or whatnot—you can gently let him know that you're fine with that so long as there is not overlap.

You can also, of course, let him know that you're not fine with helping out with the cats now that he's out of the complex. He is a grownup, cats are resilient, and so on. Doesn't even need to be about your ex, but about yourself and your time.

[j.man]

The cats will be fine. There's a big difference between asking you to feed the cats because it's a two-minute walk in your PJs and asking you to hop in the car and drive to do it. I guarantee he won't ask you to. You're creating an issue.