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Go to his house or not?


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Hi guys! Some of you know my story. I am now divorced as of this past January. The ex bought a house in November 2018. I live in an apartment. The ex found a new job 3 hours away from where I live. He wasn't planning on moving so that's why he bought a house. But, a really great opportunity came along. So, he'll be moving at the end of this month. My older son, who lives in the same large apartment complex as I do, will be moving into his father's house at the end of this month because the mortgage on the house is about $350 less than the rent of his apartment. My son would have access to a house, albeit small, but certainly quite large compared to his one-bedroom apartment.

 

Sometimes, when my son runs late at school, he goes straight from school to his martial arts class or another of his functions. When this happens, he gets home very late at night. That said, he has asked me if I'd be able to go to his apartment and feed his cats. This happened only twice (possibly 3 times, can't remember) in the year that I've lived here. He is very responsible but sometimes things happens.

 

My question is this: if he calls me because he needs for me to feed his cats, should I go to the house? What is the appropriate thing to do? After all, it's the ex's house. Know that I have been NC with him for the past year. At this point, I don't want to see him nor talk to him; no reason to do so. I would appreciate your insight. Thank you. xx

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It's not entirely clear.

You state the son would `have access to a house'. Does that mean he'll be the one living there and the ex is now 3 hours away living somewhere else? Are there any chances the ex will be at the house?

 

Yes, my son will be the one moving to the house. The ex will be moving to a duplex 3 hours away because that's where his new job will be. The ex will not be at the house unless he plans to visit my son, for whatever reason. That's what makes me uncomfortable. What happens if he shows up when I'm there? That would be awkward! Granted, if I go, I will only be there for a few minutes.

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Can't your son find someone else to feed his cats when he can't make it home? It makes sense for you to do it while he is living with you, but if he is living on his own he'll need to make his own arrangements.

 

Since he'll be living there presumably he'll be paying down the mortgage, so the ex isn't living there. If he calls you and needs you for something, it shouldn't be weird for you to go to the house even though it technically belongs to the landlord. But if it's not worth the drama to you it doesn't sound like it should be a big deal to say you don't want to go there for things that don't require it to be you.

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Can't your son find someone else to feed his cats when he can't make it home? It makes sense for you to do it while he is living with you, but if he is living on his own he'll need to make his own arrangements.

 

Since he'll be living there presumably he'll be paying down the mortgage, so the ex isn't living there. If he calls you and needs you for something, it shouldn't be weird for you to go to the house even though it technically belongs to the landlord. But if it's not worth the drama to you it doesn't sound like it should be a big deal to say you don't want to go there for things that don't require it to be you.

 

Yes, my son will be paying the mortgage, rather than the rent for his apartment. My son doesn't live with me. He lives in the same apartment complex as I do (on opposite ends). He doesn't really know anyone in that area. His friends all live around where he lives now (about 1/2 hour away from the house). It's just weird because it's my ex's house. Anyway, I suppose my son should make it a point to leave enough food for the kitties, regardless of when he gets home. I don't want to run into my ex, that's all. I think it's unlikely, but you never know. I would hate to see him.

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Why doesn’t he leave food out for the day? I always have dry kibble out for the cats.

 

Yes, I'll suggest that to him because I would rather not go over in the event that I might possibly run into the ex, although it's highly unlikely. With my luck, that'll happen. LOL

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Because the idea of seeing your ex remains a trigger—understandable, big hugs—I think you're subconsciously jumping to the worst case scenario and trying to mitigate it as if it's already happened.

 

I say just take a deep breath, accept that that's the root of the nerves here, and then refocus on the actual situation, which isn't so nervy.

 

Your son is moving into a new house where your ex once lived. Your ex is moving elsewhere. The odds of you seeing your ex, in that dynamic, are basically the same as the odds of you seeing him at a stop light. Very slim.

 

Should something come up where those odds change—should your son ask you for some help with the kitties or whatnot—you can gently let him know that you're fine with that so long as there is not overlap.

 

You can also, of course, let him know that you're not fine with helping out with the cats now that he's out of the complex. He is a grownup, cats are resilient, and so on. Doesn't even need to be about your ex, but about yourself and your time.

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The cats will be fine. There's a big difference between asking you to feed the cats because it's a two-minute walk in your PJs and asking you to hop in the car and drive to do it. I guarantee he won't ask you to. You're creating an issue.

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Because the idea of seeing your ex remains a trigger—understandable, big hugs—I think you're subconsciously jumping to the worst case scenario and trying to mitigate it as if it's already happened.

 

I say just take a deep breath, accept that that's the root of the nerves here, and then refocus on the actual situation, which isn't so nervy.

 

Your son is moving into a new house where your ex once lived. Your ex is moving elsewhere. The odds of you seeing your ex, in that dynamic, are basically the same as the odds of you seeing him at a stop light. Very slim.

 

Should something come up where those odds change—should your son ask you for some help with the kitties or whatnot—you can gently let him know that you're fine with that so long as there is not overlap.

 

You can also, of course, let him know that you're not fine with helping out with the cats now that he's out of the complex. He is a grownup, cats are resilient, and so on. Doesn't even need to be about your ex, but about yourself and your time.

 

Thank you, bluecastle. It's true, just thinking about possibly seeing the ex makes me ill and stressed out. I could feel myself getting stressed right now. I just couldn't handle seeing him; not just yet. I think I'd better forewarn my son to leave enough food out for the kitties for the day, for my sake. Thank you.

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The cats will be fine. There's a big difference between asking you to feed the cats because it's a two-minute walk in your PJs and asking you to hop in the car and drive to do it. I guarantee he won't ask you to. You're creating an issue.

 

j.man, I understand that I sound dramatic and somewhat ridiculous. If you remember, I just got out of a 29 year marriage. Seeing my ex would freak me out. As for helping my son, I'd do anything to help him. That's not the issue. I'm sure that my son will not ask me to drive out. Guess I'm feeling panicked at the mere thought of possibly going to the ex's house. I'm still so raw. Hope you understand. I am generally a fairly well adjusted and logical person.

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The cats will be fine. There's a big difference between asking you to feed the cats because it's a two-minute walk in your PJs and asking you to hop in the car and drive to do it. I guarantee he won't ask you to. You're creating an issue.

 

I agree. You are making this out to be more than it is.

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goddess, first off I am so sorry you're still struggling.

 

Yes, my son will be the one moving to the house. The ex will be moving to a duplex 3 hours away because that's where his new job will be. The ex will not be at the house unless he plans to visit my son, for whatever reason. That's what makes me uncomfortable. What happens if he shows up when I'm there? That would be awkward! Granted, if I go, I will only be there for a few minutes.

 

I am no shrink but I read a lot and did you know that by creating these imaginary scenarios in your head, you're subconsciously choosing to remain attached to him? You're choosing to allow him to keep a foothold in your heart, and not allowing yourself to let go and move on?

 

You're allowing your emotions and attachment to him to steer this ship rather than using logic to determine your course.

 

Now think about this logically. You said your ex will not be living at the house. He'll be living three hours away!

 

What are the chances that when you stop by the house, for like 5 minutes to feed the cats, your ex will be there?

 

I understand the pain in ending a 29 year marriage, I witnessed my mom go through it. Wasn't married to my dad quite as long, but she suffered tremendous pain when he left. So I do get it.

 

But you need to let go goddess.

 

You're still young, you're still beautiful. Forgive him, forgive yourself and let go. It's time.

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goddess, first off I am so sorry you're still struggling.

 

 

 

I am no shrink but I read a lot and did you know that by creating these imaginary scenarios in your head, you're subconsciously choosing to remain attached to him? You're choosing to allow him to keep a foothold in your heart, and not allowing yourself to let go and move on?

 

You're allowing your emotions and attachment to him to steer this ship rather than using logic to determine your course.

 

Now think about this logically. You said your ex will not be living at the house. He'll be living three hours away!

 

What are the chances that when you stop by the house, for like 5 minutes to feed the cats, your ex will be there?

 

I understand the pain in ending a 29 year marriage, I witnessed my mom go through it. Wasn't married to my dad quite as long, but she suffered tremendous pain when he left. So I do get it.

 

But you need to let go goddess.

 

You're still young, you're still beautiful. Forgive him, forgive yourself and let go. It's time.

 

Thank you for being empathetic. I do not want to remain attached to him, katrina. That's the last thing that I want to do. And, yes, I am creating imaginary scenarios in my head but I cannot control these feelings yet. I am still so hurt and angry. I'm sorry your mom had to go through such heartbreak. On one hand, I want to help my son if he needs help but, on the other hand, I can just imagine the panic and pain I'd feel if I were to see him. I would break down, for sure, and I don't want that to happen. I no longer love him; not after what he did. There are times when I hate him. I resent him. I don't know if I can ever forgive him. I'm not yet healed so the last thing I want to do is see him. That would hinder what progress I've made thus far. I'm doing my best to get him out of my system.

 

I know he'll be living 3 hours away but I wouldn't feel comfortable going to "his" house. I am too vulnerable. Guess I've answered my own question. I feel really foolish thinking about this whole thing. Panicking for no reason.

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If your son bought a home of his own and had to go away for two nights, would you help out by feeding the cats? If your answer would be yes, and he will be gone for more than one night -- just do it.

 

I don't mean to be disrespectful, but it's the fact that it's my ex's house that bothers me. If my son were to buy a house of his own, it would he his house. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

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So if I am understanding this correctly, it's not so much that you're afraid you will run into him, because the likelihood of that happening is pretty much slim to none, given he will be living three hours away.

 

Now this may sound hokey, but I do understand it -- it's more about your fearing his "energy" while you're in his house, a house he owns, whose energy is all over that house -- for even five minutes.

 

Feeling that energy will stir all sorts of uncomfortable emotions, I do understand this!

 

It's akin to someone not wanting to go to the same club or restaurant, or the same vacation spot they and their ex traveled to, even if their ex moved clear across the country!

 

Their energy is there, and it stirs emotions and memories.

 

This is understandable if that is in fact what's happening.

 

So, if this is the case, then don't do it. Take care of YOU. You haven't quite moved on yet and that's OKAY.

 

Have your son make an alternative plan. He will understand.

 

And continue on your journey of healing. Time heals!!

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Guess I am making more of this than I need to. Sorry for posting...

 

Don't be sorry, but don't make yourself crazy with this. The stress is not healthy or productive.

 

i would also ask your son to give you a head's up, as to when your ex may be in town. Have you sought some counseling?

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So if I am understanding this correctly, it's not so much that you're afraid you will run into him, because the likelihood of that happening is pretty much slim to none, given he will be living three hours away.

 

Now this may sound hokey, but I do understand it -- it's more about your fearing his "energy" while you're in his house, a house he owns, whose energy is all over that house -- for even five minutes.

 

Feeling that energy will stir all sorts of uncomfortable emotions, I do understand this!

 

It's akin to someone not wanting to go to the same club or restaurant, or the same vacation spot they and their ex traveled to, even if their ex moved clear across the country!

 

Their energy is there, and it stirs emotions and memories.

 

This is understandable if that is in fact what's happening.

 

So, if this is the case, then don't do it. Take care of YOU. You haven't quite moved on yet and that's OKAY.

 

Have your son make an alternative plan. He will understand.

 

And continue on your journey of healing. Time heals!!

 

"it's more about your fearing his "energy" while you're in his house, a house he owns, whose energy is all over that house -- for even five minutes.

 

Feeling that energy will stir all sorts of uncomfortable emotions, I do understand this! This is exactly what I was trying to say, Katrina. Thank you for understanding. Hugs xx

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