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Thread: Go to his house or not?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Because the idea of seeing your ex remains a trigger—understandable, big hugs—I think you're subconsciously jumping to the worst case scenario and trying to mitigate it as if it's already happened.

    I say just take a deep breath, accept that that's the root of the nerves here, and then refocus on the actual situation, which isn't so nervy.

    Your son is moving into a new house where your ex once lived. Your ex is moving elsewhere. The odds of you seeing your ex, in that dynamic, are basically the same as the odds of you seeing him at a stop light. Very slim.

    Should something come up where those odds change—should your son ask you for some help with the kitties or whatnot—you can gently let him know that you're fine with that so long as there is not overlap.

    You can also, of course, let him know that you're not fine with helping out with the cats now that he's out of the complex. He is a grownup, cats are resilient, and so on. Doesn't even need to be about your ex, but about yourself and your time.
    Thank you, bluecastle. It's true, just thinking about possibly seeing the ex makes me ill and stressed out. I could feel myself getting stressed right now. I just couldn't handle seeing him; not just yet. I think I'd better forewarn my son to leave enough food out for the kitties for the day, for my sake. Thank you.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    The cats will be fine. There's a big difference between asking you to feed the cats because it's a two-minute walk in your PJs and asking you to hop in the car and drive to do it. I guarantee he won't ask you to. You're creating an issue.
    j.man, I understand that I sound dramatic and somewhat ridiculous. If you remember, I just got out of a 29 year marriage. Seeing my ex would freak me out. As for helping my son, I'd do anything to help him. That's not the issue. I'm sure that my son will not ask me to drive out. Guess I'm feeling panicked at the mere thought of possibly going to the ex's house. I'm still so raw. Hope you understand. I am generally a fairly well adjusted and logical person.

  3. #13
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    I don't understand! If he not there, I don't see why it would be a problem.

    I'm sure your son is responsible enough to leave out kibble for the cats.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    The cats will be fine. There's a big difference between asking you to feed the cats because it's a two-minute walk in your PJs and asking you to hop in the car and drive to do it. I guarantee he won't ask you to. You're creating an issue.
    I agree. You are making this out to be more than it is.

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  6. #15
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    goddess, first off I am so sorry you're still struggling.

    Originally Posted by goddess
    Yes, my son will be the one moving to the house. The ex will be moving to a duplex 3 hours away because that's where his new job will be. The ex will not be at the house unless he plans to visit my son, for whatever reason. That's what makes me uncomfortable. What happens if he shows up when I'm there? That would be awkward! Granted, if I go, I will only be there for a few minutes.
    I am no shrink but I read a lot and did you know that by creating these imaginary scenarios in your head, you're subconsciously choosing to remain attached to him? You're choosing to allow him to keep a foothold in your heart, and not allowing yourself to let go and move on?

    You're allowing your emotions and attachment to him to steer this ship rather than using logic to determine your course.

    Now think about this logically. You said your ex will not be living at the house. He'll be living three hours away!

    What are the chances that when you stop by the house, for like 5 minutes to feed the cats, your ex will be there?

    I understand the pain in ending a 29 year marriage, I witnessed my mom go through it. Wasn't married to my dad quite as long, but she suffered tremendous pain when he left. So I do get it.

    But you need to let go goddess.

    You're still young, you're still beautiful. Forgive him, forgive yourself and let go. It's time.

  7. #16
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    If your son bought a home of his own and had to go away for two nights, would you help out by feeding the cats? If your answer would be yes, and he will be gone for more than one night -- just do it.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    goddess, first off I am so sorry you're still struggling.



    I am no shrink but I read a lot and did you know that by creating these imaginary scenarios in your head, you're subconsciously choosing to remain attached to him? You're choosing to allow him to keep a foothold in your heart, and not allowing yourself to let go and move on?

    You're allowing your emotions and attachment to him to steer this ship rather than using logic to determine your course.

    Now think about this logically. You said your ex will not be living at the house. He'll be living three hours away!

    What are the chances that when you stop by the house, for like 5 minutes to feed the cats, your ex will be there?

    I understand the pain in ending a 29 year marriage, I witnessed my mom go through it. Wasn't married to my dad quite as long, but she suffered tremendous pain when he left. So I do get it.

    But you need to let go goddess.

    You're still young, you're still beautiful. Forgive him, forgive yourself and let go. It's time.
    Thank you for being empathetic. I do not want to remain attached to him, katrina. That's the last thing that I want to do. And, yes, I am creating imaginary scenarios in my head but I cannot control these feelings yet. I am still so hurt and angry. I'm sorry your mom had to go through such heartbreak. On one hand, I want to help my son if he needs help but, on the other hand, I can just imagine the panic and pain I'd feel if I were to see him. I would break down, for sure, and I don't want that to happen. I no longer love him; not after what he did. There are times when I hate him. I resent him. I don't know if I can ever forgive him. I'm not yet healed so the last thing I want to do is see him. That would hinder what progress I've made thus far. I'm doing my best to get him out of my system.

    I know he'll be living 3 hours away but I wouldn't feel comfortable going to "his" house. I am too vulnerable. Guess I've answered my own question. I feel really foolish thinking about this whole thing. Panicking for no reason.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    If your son bought a home of his own and had to go away for two nights, would you help out by feeding the cats? If your answer would be yes, and he will be gone for more than one night -- just do it.
    I don't mean to be disrespectful, but it's the fact that it's my ex's house that bothers me. If my son were to buy a house of his own, it would he his house. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I agree. You are making this out to be more than it is.
    Guess I am making more of this than I need to. Sorry for posting...

  11. #20
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    Thank you for your feedback, peeps. Sorry for such a stupid post. I shouldn't have done it.

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