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New guy went on vacation with soon-to-be ex-wife


Chickie123

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Hi, I've been dating a guy over the past month, and so far I like him quite a bit and we seem compatible together. He told me on our first date that his divorce with his soon-to-be ex wouldn't be finalized for several more months. I appreciated he mentioned this, and I had no reason to think that his ex and him might still have unfinished business.

 

Last Monday he left to go on a trip to Amsterdam. I never asked him who he was going with nor did he volunteer the information. For some reason it didn't really cross my mind as being something to ask, but in hindsight I wish I had done so now.

 

My curiosity got the better of me a few days after he left and I went to check out his Facebook profile. We are not friends on Facebook either. I decided to scroll down his timeline and discovered a picture of him and his ex on their wedding day back in 2013. I didn't think too much about it, since he rarely seems to go on Facebook.

 

I decided to click on her name and when it went to her profile page, lo and behold, she's in Amsterdam too. She had a few pictures up but none of them had him in it, nor had she tagged him in any of the pictures she had taken. I'm not quite sure what to make of it but nevertheless. I should put that out there.I

 

I decided to send him an email after I slept on this, because it was bothering me quite a bit as you can imagine. My email wasn't harsh, I just told him I knew he was with her and perhaps the two of them still had unfinished business.. I also told him that it's not unusual to pine for somebody even after you break up with them or go through divorce proceedings. However, I told him that it probably would have been better for him to disclose this from the very beginning.

 

When he replied, he said he was sorry and understood why I felt this way. He went on to say that this vacation was purchased over a year ago and they didn't want to waste the money and decided to travel together as friends because they still get along. He also mentioned they're staying in separate rooms.

 

'm not quite sure what to make of this story, because obviously it's not an organized tour. The only thing they would have had to get refunded for was there airplane ticket, and if they couldn't have gotten a refund for that, they would have gotten a credit for a future fight.

 

I want to believe him, but I also have to trust my gut instinct as well. I would love to hear people's opinions on this so I know how to proceed. I don't feel mad, simply because I haven't known him for very long, but I am very disappointed and hurt.

 

Please let me hear your thoughts, especially you men. :-)

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Woman here. He's on vacation with his wife. Separated means still married. Money is no object when people don't want to be together - many of us have had to lose vacation money/deposits during a break up. Just part of it. He is on vacation with her because he wants to be. I'd move on. Now.

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I agree with the others. Don't sit around and be his second option. If they were just friends and that friendship was important to him, he would have been open and honest about the trip. Transparency is important in these situations.

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He is on vacation with his wife.

 

In the future, do not date married men, and wait a sufficient amount of time before getting involved, since the divorce- this is also dependent on how long they were together.

 

How do you even know that he is getting a divorce? Have you been to his home?

 

This was not a smart choice for you. Move on.

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Don't ever get involved with a married man (and separated means married). The typical scenario is, they promise to get divorced, but it never happens, and you are always just the "other woman".

 

Get out now before you fall deeper in love (you are halfway there now)! The longer you procrastinate, the more invested your heart will be, and the harder it will be to get out.

 

Hello, McFly! You are the other woman!!

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Woman here. He's on vacation with his wife. Separated means still married. Money is no object when people don't want to be together - many of us have had to lose vacation money/deposits during a break up. Just part of it. He is on vacation with her because he wants to be. I'd move on. Now.

 

Exactly. No amount of lost money would have forced me to go on vacation with my ex husband. You cut your losses and move on. This guy is being less than honest.

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OK... so they purchased the trip over a year ago, which means they paid for flights and one hotel room. They split up and then spent extra money on buying another hotel room, despite them still technically being married? I don't think so!!! There's no way they'd pay more to double up on rooms when they've known each other intimately for X number of years, especially when they could have cut their losses and tried to either get some money back or take someone else. He didn't tell you because he thought he would get away with it. I doubt his wife knows he has someone else on the side.

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This is actually one of the more dime-a-dozen situations you'll see on these forums. Couple plans and books a vacation. One party comes on here asking whether to go. A million and one users tell them to go so that the money wasn't wasted. Not necessarily my philosophy, but the scenario doesn't sound terribly far fetched to me. And honestly, if you've only dated over this past month, dude doesn't really have a reason to cancel his Amsterdam trip for your benefit.

 

Regardless, I think you're asking the wrong question. It's not whether he's telling the truth or not. You'll never know if he is. The real question is whether it's worth the effort. Even giving him every possible benefit, they're still in the process of divorcing, and particularly if it's amicable, there are probably going to be quite a few situations there could well be no foul play, but which would look suspect to an outsider who hasn't had the opportunity in just a month's time to extend that level of trust. Even if (big "IF") the guy was a genuine saint, if he's got half a brain, he's going to prioritize the divorce running as smoothly as possible over your feelings on his boundaries. Feel free to keep dating him with that understanding, but I'm assuming there are enough other men out there where it'd hardly be worth the trouble.

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This is actually one of the more dime-a-dozen situations you'll see on these forums. Couple plans and books a vacation. One party comes on here asking whether to go. A million and one users tell them to go so that the money wasn't wasted. Not necessarily my philosophy, but the scenario doesn't sound terribly far fetched to me. And honestly, if you've only dated over this past month, dude doesn't really have a reason to cancel his Amsterdam trip for your benefit.

 

Regardless, I think you're asking the wrong question. It's not whether he's telling the truth or not. You'll never know if he is. The real question is whether it's worth the effort. Even giving him every possible benefit, they're still in the process of divorcing, and particularly if it's amicable, there are probably going to be quite a few situations there could well be no foul play, but which would look suspect to an outsider who hasn't had the opportunity in just a month's time to extend that level of trust. Even if (big "IF") the guy was a genuine saint, if he's got half a brain, he's going to prioritize the divorce running as smoothly as possible over your feelings on his boundaries. Feel free to keep dating him with that understanding, but I'm assuming there are enough other men out there where it'd hardly be worth the trouble.

 

I agree with this.

 

Whether or not he’s telling the truth is irrelevant.

 

You went snooping on his Facebook, I’d consider that a red flag if I was dating you for a month, why are you checking up on me, I’ve known you 4 weeks...

 

Let’s cut to the chase, you already don’t trust him, you’re already working against yourself. There’s nothing wrong with not being able to overlook a man stating he isn’t divorced yet, most would walk, you didn’t. Now you want to play detective... for a guy you know is still married who you’ve known for 4 weeks...

 

That’s where my focus is.

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Regardless, I think you're asking the wrong question. It's not whether he's telling the truth or not. You'll never know if he is. The real question is whether it's worth the effort.

 

I'm in total agreement with this.

 

The most generous read here—and, for what it's worth, the read I'm most inclined to take—is that this whole thing is a reminder that dating someone who is going through a divorce can get very complicated very quickly. Is he still pining for his wife? Are they legit friends? Are they trying out "friendship" when, a month from now, they're at each other's throats? Are they still exploring reconciliation? Are they still kinda sorta involved romantically? Those are big waves to ride while trying to form a connection with someone—especially since they're not waves that have anything to do with you and can toss you around a bit.

 

My girlfriend went on a vacation with her child and husband when they were separated. Planned before the separation, taken while on the road to the divorce. It was platonic, but not without heaviness—part of their unwinding and reestablishing things moving forward. That was two years before I'd met her, though; had it been a month into dating her? I'm not sure if the ratio of juice to squeeze would have been enough to continue. Too many irons still in the fire for me to be warm.

 

In your post you've put a lot of emphasis on him, on being understanding of what he may be going through, and so on. But a month into dating the emphasis should still be very much on yourself, what you're feeling, what you can handle. I think the fact that you were tempted to do some social media sleuthing in the first place shows that there was already something about this that was making you more unnerved than settling your nerves. In your shoes, I'd be listening to that stuff first and foremost.

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He's still married, and is on holiday with his wife. That's all you need to know.

 

It's then for you to decide whether you swallow the classic tale of him not really being with his wife any more/they sleep in separate rooms/he's going to leave her soon, whilst you sit on the sidelines eating your heart out; or whether you decide to let this one go before your heart's broken, and find someone who's properly single and isn't still involved with an "ex"!

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If you are exclusively dating, he 100% should have disclosed that he was going with his ex when he mentioned he was going on a trip to amsterdam.

 

If you aren't exclusive and are still feeling things out, well, there's no expectation, and you know how involved he still is with his past and can make use of that knowledge as you will.

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So..you went out with a guy 2-6 times (they have only know eachother 4 weeks and during that time he was also on this trip) - you are not entitled to know about everything he does in full disclosure - he is free to meet others, etc. it was just a few dates. That being said, if i found out a guy was on vacation with another woman, I would not continue with him - and i would not have continued with him the minute i found out he was not divorced. That would be a non-starter. And any other info would be besides the point. The detail of this trip doesn't matter because you should not have gone on date #2 with him in the first place. I do think you are being played as far as the separate rooms thing and he is lying about that. it makes no logical sense for him to have a separate room.

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Even if all is as he says, separate room, just friends, he's sorry he didn't tell you etc. I'd still run. I'm a guy, ex or not put me in a hotel with someone I've had sex with and... Hey why not a friendly you know what...

 

There's simply too many fish in the sea to try and catch and keep one that has so many issues early on.

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The real question is whether it's worth the effort. Even giving him every possible benefit, they're still in the process of divorcing, and particularly if it's amicable, there are probably going to be quite a few situations there could well be no foul play, but which would look suspect to an outsider who hasn't had the opportunity in just a month's time to extend that level of trust. Even if (big "IF") the guy was a genuine saint, if he's got half a brain, he's going to prioritize the divorce running as smoothly as possible over your feelings on his boundaries. Feel free to keep dating him with that understanding, but I'm assuming there are enough other men out there where it'd hardly be worth the trouble.

 

Yes all of this. This is part of the package when you take on dating a man that is still married to his "ex" wife. Until the papers hit the courtroom, their relationship is in limbo... no matter what the person says there will always be a connection to their "ex" until they are willing to completely sever it. I came to this very humbling realization during my own divorce process.

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I am curious, if you didn't suspect anything and had no reason to believe they had unfinished business, why did you check his facebook and then his ex's facebook?

 

This seems quite obsessive to me considering you had not yet suspected anything (or so you claim), and you've only been dating him one month.

 

Again just curious (just call me "curious Kat" lol), but in that one month's time, how many dates did you have? Had you become sexual?

 

 

He also mentioned they're staying in separate rooms.

 

 

Of course he said that, you didn't really expect him to tell you they're staying in the same room, did you?

 

I know you like him and want to believe the best, but this guy sounds like he's totally playing you, I'm sorry.

 

I disagree with some others that you shouldn't date separated men whose divorce is soon to become final; I did a few years back, their marriage had been over for years, they were just going through the motions California requires to obtain a divorce.

 

And when my dad divorced my mom, the marriage (and his feelings for my mom) had been dead for years!

 

However, that doesn't mean you disregard or attempt to justify such blatant actions such a vacationing with his ex, and after only a month, if it were me, I would not have confronted him (not worth the energy after only one month).

 

I simply would have told him upon his return that I was no longer interested and wished him well.

 

As j.man said, if the guy has half a brain, he'll figure it out.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry this doesn't appear to be working out, but lesson learned?

 

Best of luck moving forward. :D

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I disagree with some others that you shouldn't date separated men whose divorce is soon to become final; I did a few years back, their marriage had been over for years, they were just going through the motions California requires to obtain a divorce.

 

To be on the safe side, i respectfully disagree. If the guy genuinely wants to date you, he will have no problem calling you when his divorce is final.

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I disagree with some others that you shouldn't date separated men whose divorce is soon to become final; I did a few years back, their marriage had been over for years, they were just going through the motions California requires to obtain a divorce.

 

To be on the safe side, i respectfully disagree. If the guy genuinely wants to date you, he will have no problem calling you when his divorce is final.

 

No worries :D, I already know how most everyone on this forum feels about this, and that's fine, totally respect everyone's own opinion about it.

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No worries :D, I already know how most everyone on this forum feels about this, and that's fine, totally respect it.

 

I actually agree with you, I don't think it's wrong to date a separated person or for a separated person to date... I personally felt that it was a great distraction from the horrible process of getting divorced.

 

That being said... looking back I realize now that despite my relationship being done like dinner, I hadn't truly let it go and accepted it was over until that moment when we signed the divorce papers. Then it was a whole other level of letting go and grieving and months of resentment and anger after.

 

My point being that choosing to date someone that isn't divorced is extra effort as there are so many things to work through while that process is going on, including what the OP is experiencing... the two of them still figuring out what their relationship will look like.

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My point being that choosing to date someone that isn't divorced is extra effort as there are so many things to work through while that process is going on, including what the OP is experiencing... the two of them still figuring out what their relationship will look like.

 

For me, it doesn't really matter if he's separated soon to be divorced, or divorced for years or never married.

 

What matters for me is whether or not he has moved on emotionally.

 

I've dated men who were never married, or divorced, broken up with their ex's for years but still had not moved on. That fact became very obvious on our first date! No thank, you next.

 

With the separated man I did choose to date, it was very obvious during our first and second date that he had very much moved on emotionally. Not because of what he said, but because of his overall energy, and how he interacted with me. If one is paying attention and using their gift of intuition, it's not difficult to tell what's going on.

 

I will not date a separated man if he proceeds to pull me into the "process." That is between him and his ex until the divorce is finalized; there is absolutely no reason why I should be involved in that, and he tries to involve me, that's also a next.

 

So while I will consider dating a separated soon to be divorced man, I use discretion just as I would when dating men who are not separated, never married or divorced.

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Op: Had you ever been to his home? Do you know for certain that he was even separated? Why did they "separate" after only being married for 5 or so years?

 

... and no, I would not continue on dating anyone who claimed to be separated but went on vacation with the person they are supposedly separated from.

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