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Thread: New guy went on vacation with soon-to-be ex-wife

  1. #21
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    I disagree with some others that you shouldn't date separated men whose divorce is soon to become final; I did a few years back, their marriage had been over for years, they were just going through the motions California requires to obtain a divorce.


    To be on the safe side, i respectfully disagree. If the guy genuinely wants to date you, he will have no problem calling you when his divorce is final.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken

    I disagree with some others that you shouldn't date separated men whose divorce is soon to become final; I did a few years back, their marriage had been over for years, they were just going through the motions California requires to obtain a divorce.


    To be on the safe side, i respectfully disagree. If the guy genuinely wants to date you, he will have no problem calling you when his divorce is final.
    No worries , I already know how most everyone on this forum feels about this, and that's fine, totally respect everyone's own opinion about it.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    No worries , I already know how most everyone on this forum feels about this, and that's fine, totally respect it.
    I actually agree with you, I don't think it's wrong to date a separated person or for a separated person to date... I personally felt that it was a great distraction from the horrible process of getting divorced.

    That being said... looking back I realize now that despite my relationship being done like dinner, I hadn't truly let it go and accepted it was over until that moment when we signed the divorce papers. Then it was a whole other level of letting go and grieving and months of resentment and anger after.

    My point being that choosing to date someone that isn't divorced is extra effort as there are so many things to work through while that process is going on, including what the OP is experiencing... the two of them still figuring out what their relationship will look like.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by maew

    My point being that choosing to date someone that isn't divorced is extra effort as there are so many things to work through while that process is going on, including what the OP is experiencing... the two of them still figuring out what their relationship will look like.
    For me, it doesn't really matter if he's separated soon to be divorced, or divorced for years or never married.

    What matters for me is whether or not he has moved on emotionally.

    I've dated men who were never married, or divorced, broken up with their ex's for years but still had not moved on. That fact became very obvious on our first date! No thank, you next.

    With the separated man I did choose to date, it was very obvious during our first and second date that he had very much moved on emotionally. Not because of what he said, but because of his overall energy, and how he interacted with me. If one is paying attention and using their gift of intuition, it's not difficult to tell what's going on.

    I will not date a separated man if he proceeds to pull me into the "process." That is between him and his ex until the divorce is finalized; there is absolutely no reason why I should be involved in that, and he tries to involve me, that's also a next.

    So while I will consider dating a separated soon to be divorced man, I use discretion just as I would when dating men who are not separated, never married or divorced.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Op: Had you ever been to his home? Do you know for certain that he was even separated? Why did they "separate" after only being married for 5 or so years?

    ... and no, I would not continue on dating anyone who claimed to be separated but went on vacation with the person they are supposedly separated from.

  7. #26
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    This wouldn't sit well with me at all. Even though you haven't been going out very long, and he really doesn't owe you anything, there's a level of dishonesty of not disclosing this pretty major piece of information. He didn't say anything because he knew very well how it would come across, which is not good. I really don't believe that this is just a friendly vacation. Given the timing, I get it. Two months ago, he didn't know he would meet you or anyone, and hey, why not? But I just can't see a once-married (still married) couple who are amicable enough to vacation together to not still harbor feelings and certainly fall into bed when they are in dream-land and away from the "real world" for a couple weeks. Even if they are purely platonic, it's a big pill to swallow that your BF/GF is "best buds" with an ex.

    He may be separated, but he's not separated enough. I also agree with "maew" - there are so many phases to the process. He could be in a honeymoon phase of freedom from a bad marriage and 6 months from now hit a crash and burn...having to do everything by themselves, no companionship, the reality of the split really hitting them hard, the ugly words said, betrayal, etc. Of course there are no guarantees, so whether divorced or separated, you take your chances. For a lot of people, by the time the separation occurs, the marriage ended a long time ago, but they're still married, and there are still bumps. Proceed with caution.

    Sorry about this awakening. I don't think I would continue dating him. Someone isn't over the relationship.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's been less than 30 days of dating, cut your losses. He's still too involved.
    Originally Posted by Chickie123
    Hi, I've been dating a guy over the past month. I never asked him who he was going with nor did he volunteer the information.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rabican
    Even if all is as he says, separate room, just friends, he's sorry he didn't tell you etc. I'd still run. I'm a guy, ex or not put me in a hotel with someone I've had sex with and... Hey why not a friendly you know what...

    There's simply too many fish in the sea to try and catch and keep one that has so many issues early on.
    This. ^^

    I like to make my decisions based on taking someone at their word and by their actions. There is always conjecture as to the real truth, but that is a slippery slope i choose to avoid.

    So, let's assume he is 100% truthful.

    Why did they take this vacation together? Why didn't one of them go and bring a friend, say, presuming they couldn't cancel it altogether?

    Lets say they were frugal, couldn't change airfare, and the hotel was oddly also inflexible. Even if that were the case -- does that mean they knew they were going on vacation longer than they knew they were going to separate? If so, this break up is way too fresh... unless you are up for being a rebound or a casual distraction.

    And if you were up for the rebound/distraction scenario, be aware you are involved with someone whose emotions are running high, whose been out of the dating scene, and whose needs are great and also evolving. Someone who is likely to act like a committed relationship because that's the language that is most familiar, but disappear every now and again because divorce is exhausting.

    Given the foregoing, I'd pass every time, no matter the details of the vacation.

  10. #29
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    Iím going to assume here OP that you live in Europe? Because not many outside of Europe go on a trip to Amsterdam only. They would be doing a European trip.

    In which case it seems bizarre to me that they would book a trip there (1-3hr flight) thatís a cheap airfare a year in advance?! No one in Europe has ever done that! Because itís not necessary.

    And since his divorce is several months away Iím assuming they have only been separated a few months, so not long before he met you.

    Separating costs money as does divorce so if they were being frugal with money , it would make more sense financially to cut their losses on the airfare and get refunded the hotel room , rather than spending extra money on a second room and the added cost of spending money.

    I would have almost believed him if he said seperate beds not seperate rooms as most double rooms also have a single bed.

    In saying all of that, he is I doubt exclusively dating you after a few weeks of dating, so, no , he had no obligation to disclose who he was going with. And he didnít expect that you would snoop his fb and subsequently his ex wifeís fb.

    I wish you had posted here before sending the email to him , because Iím pretty sure everyone would have advised you not to send it. I mean what good did it do??
    Now he has got all the time in the world to concoct an elaborate story.
    I would have advised you to not contact him while he is on holiday , wait and see if he contacts you on his return (which he may or may not have depending how he got on with his wife) and if he did, ask face to face who he went with?
    You would have found out then how much of a liar he is or isnít?

    Anyway not much you can do now. He knows you have trust issues and are inclined to snoop even though you barely know him.

    What are you going to do?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Great post Billie, canít give kudos

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