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Thread: New guy went on vacation with soon-to-be ex-wife

  1. #11
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    You are being played, Chickie

  2. #12
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    This is actually one of the more dime-a-dozen situations you'll see on these forums. Couple plans and books a vacation. One party comes on here asking whether to go. A million and one users tell them to go so that the money wasn't wasted. Not necessarily my philosophy, but the scenario doesn't sound terribly far fetched to me. And honestly, if you've only dated over this past month, dude doesn't really have a reason to cancel his Amsterdam trip for your benefit.

    Regardless, I think you're asking the wrong question. It's not whether he's telling the truth or not. You'll never know if he is. The real question is whether it's worth the effort. Even giving him every possible benefit, they're still in the process of divorcing, and particularly if it's amicable, there are probably going to be quite a few situations there could well be no foul play, but which would look suspect to an outsider who hasn't had the opportunity in just a month's time to extend that level of trust. Even if (big "IF") the guy was a genuine saint, if he's got half a brain, he's going to prioritize the divorce running as smoothly as possible over your feelings on his boundaries. Feel free to keep dating him with that understanding, but I'm assuming there are enough other men out there where it'd hardly be worth the trouble.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    This is actually one of the more dime-a-dozen situations you'll see on these forums. Couple plans and books a vacation. One party comes on here asking whether to go. A million and one users tell them to go so that the money wasn't wasted. Not necessarily my philosophy, but the scenario doesn't sound terribly far fetched to me. And honestly, if you've only dated over this past month, dude doesn't really have a reason to cancel his Amsterdam trip for your benefit.

    Regardless, I think you're asking the wrong question. It's not whether he's telling the truth or not. You'll never know if he is. The real question is whether it's worth the effort. Even giving him every possible benefit, they're still in the process of divorcing, and particularly if it's amicable, there are probably going to be quite a few situations there could well be no foul play, but which would look suspect to an outsider who hasn't had the opportunity in just a month's time to extend that level of trust. Even if (big "IF") the guy was a genuine saint, if he's got half a brain, he's going to prioritize the divorce running as smoothly as possible over your feelings on his boundaries. Feel free to keep dating him with that understanding, but I'm assuming there are enough other men out there where it'd hardly be worth the trouble.
    I agree with this.

    Whether or not heís telling the truth is irrelevant.

    You went snooping on his Facebook, Iíd consider that a red flag if I was dating you for a month, why are you checking up on me, Iíve known you 4 weeks...

    Letís cut to the chase, you already donít trust him, youíre already working against yourself. Thereís nothing wrong with not being able to overlook a man stating he isnít divorced yet, most would walk, you didnít. Now you want to play detective... for a guy you know is still married who youíve known for 4 weeks...

    Thatís where my focus is.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Regardless, I think you're asking the wrong question. It's not whether he's telling the truth or not. You'll never know if he is. The real question is whether it's worth the effort.
    I'm in total agreement with this.

    The most generous read hereóand, for what it's worth, the read I'm most inclined to takeóis that this whole thing is a reminder that dating someone who is going through a divorce can get very complicated very quickly. Is he still pining for his wife? Are they legit friends? Are they trying out "friendship" when, a month from now, they're at each other's throats? Are they still exploring reconciliation? Are they still kinda sorta involved romantically? Those are big waves to ride while trying to form a connection with someoneóespecially since they're not waves that have anything to do with you and can toss you around a bit.

    My girlfriend went on a vacation with her child and husband when they were separated. Planned before the separation, taken while on the road to the divorce. It was platonic, but not without heavinessópart of their unwinding and reestablishing things moving forward. That was two years before I'd met her, though; had it been a month into dating her? I'm not sure if the ratio of juice to squeeze would have been enough to continue. Too many irons still in the fire for me to be warm.

    In your post you've put a lot of emphasis on him, on being understanding of what he may be going through, and so on. But a month into dating the emphasis should still be very much on yourself, what you're feeling, what you can handle. I think the fact that you were tempted to do some social media sleuthing in the first place shows that there was already something about this that was making you more unnerved than settling your nerves. In your shoes, I'd be listening to that stuff first and foremost.

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  6. #15
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    He's still married, and is on holiday with his wife. That's all you need to know.

    It's then for you to decide whether you swallow the classic tale of him not really being with his wife any more/they sleep in separate rooms/he's going to leave her soon, whilst you sit on the sidelines eating your heart out; or whether you decide to let this one go before your heart's broken, and find someone who's properly single and isn't still involved with an "ex"!

  7. #16
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    If you are exclusively dating, he 100% should have disclosed that he was going with his ex when he mentioned he was going on a trip to amsterdam.

    If you aren't exclusive and are still feeling things out, well, there's no expectation, and you know how involved he still is with his past and can make use of that knowledge as you will.

  8. #17
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    So..you went out with a guy 2-6 times (they have only know eachother 4 weeks and during that time he was also on this trip) - you are not entitled to know about everything he does in full disclosure - he is free to meet others, etc. it was just a few dates. That being said, if i found out a guy was on vacation with another woman, I would not continue with him - and i would not have continued with him the minute i found out he was not divorced. That would be a non-starter. And any other info would be besides the point. The detail of this trip doesn't matter because you should not have gone on date #2 with him in the first place. I do think you are being played as far as the separate rooms thing and he is lying about that. it makes no logical sense for him to have a separate room.

  9. #18
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    Even if all is as he says, separate room, just friends, he's sorry he didn't tell you etc. I'd still run. I'm a guy, ex or not put me in a hotel with someone I've had sex with and... Hey why not a friendly you know what...

    There's simply too many fish in the sea to try and catch and keep one that has so many issues early on.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    The real question is whether it's worth the effort. Even giving him every possible benefit, they're still in the process of divorcing, and particularly if it's amicable, there are probably going to be quite a few situations there could well be no foul play, but which would look suspect to an outsider who hasn't had the opportunity in just a month's time to extend that level of trust. Even if (big "IF") the guy was a genuine saint, if he's got half a brain, he's going to prioritize the divorce running as smoothly as possible over your feelings on his boundaries. Feel free to keep dating him with that understanding, but I'm assuming there are enough other men out there where it'd hardly be worth the trouble.
    Yes all of this. This is part of the package when you take on dating a man that is still married to his "ex" wife. Until the papers hit the courtroom, their relationship is in limbo... no matter what the person says there will always be a connection to their "ex" until they are willing to completely sever it. I came to this very humbling realization during my own divorce process.

  11. #20
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    I am curious, if you didn't suspect anything and had no reason to believe they had unfinished business, why did you check his facebook and then his ex's facebook?

    This seems quite obsessive to me considering you had not yet suspected anything (or so you claim), and you've only been dating him one month.

    Again just curious (just call me "curious Kat" lol), but in that one month's time, how many dates did you have? Had you become sexual?

    Originally Posted by Chickie123

    He also mentioned they're staying in separate rooms.
    Of course he said that, you didn't really expect him to tell you they're staying in the same room, did you?

    I know you like him and want to believe the best, but this guy sounds like he's totally playing you, I'm sorry.

    I disagree with some others that you shouldn't date separated men whose divorce is soon to become final; I did a few years back, their marriage had been over for years, they were just going through the motions California requires to obtain a divorce.

    And when my dad divorced my mom, the marriage (and his feelings for my mom) had been dead for years!

    However, that doesn't mean you disregard or attempt to justify such blatant actions such a vacationing with his ex, and after only a month, if it were me, I would not have confronted him (not worth the energy after only one month).

    I simply would have told him upon his return that I was no longer interested and wished him well.

    As j.man said, if the guy has half a brain, he'll figure it out.

    Anyway, I'm sorry this doesn't appear to be working out, but lesson learned?

    Best of luck moving forward.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-10-2019 at 05:59 PM.

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