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Thread: 5 Years down the drain.

  1. #1
    Member wasabi196's Avatar
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    5 Years down the drain.

    So I had been in a long term relationship for 5 years and a few months up till now and we recently had broken it off.
    A bit of context is that we were dating since high school and when he gone to university we were sitting in a long distance relationship for majority of the time.
    We're still both university students, but what prompted our break up was really just something that was so repressed on my end to be honest.

    I was invited to his sister's wedding and it was a destination wedding, that was a 4 - 5 hour drive from where I am. I have my license and all but I have yet to drive long distance, and since I'm from a smaller town, it would've been dangerous for me to drive to the wedding myself in any case. So since I am still working part time, I can't pay afford a plane ticket to the wedding.

    So after a very upsetting phone call, he told me that in order for me to go to the wedding I'd have to spend a whole month's salary for one weekend. We had originally planned for me to go to the wedding with his parents and himself, but his family made changes.

    So the tipping point came when he just told me that I wouldn't be able to travel with his family anymore and that I had to find my own accommodation.
    I was so disgusted because he didn't even consider all possibilities and already expected me to go to his sister's wedding at my own expense even though I would've been going as his date.

    Up till now I've always been under the impression that the reason why our relationship was so difficult was because of the fact that his family didn't like me, but now it felt as if it didn't work because he was putting the minimal amount of effort.

    The advice I really just want is, whether or not I was being irrational with breaking things off with him.

    There are of course many other factors, but I just want to know as well, if you were being invited as your SO's date for a wedding, shouldn't they ensure that you can actually make it?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by wasabi196
    So I had been in a long term relationship for 5 years and a few months up till now and we recently had broken it off.
    A bit of context is that we were dating since high school and when he gone to university we were sitting in a long distance relationship for majority of the time.
    We're still both university students, but what prompted our break up was really just something that was so repressed on my end to be honest.

    I was invited to his sister's wedding and it was a destination wedding, that was a 4 - 5 hour drive from where I am. I have my license and all but I have yet to drive long distance, and since I'm from a smaller town, it would've been dangerous for me to drive to the wedding myself in any case. So since I am still working part time, I can't pay afford a plane ticket to the wedding.

    So after a very upsetting phone call, he told me that in order for me to go to the wedding I'd have to spend a whole month's salary for one weekend. We had originally planned for me to go to the wedding with his parents and himself, but his family made changes.

    So the tipping point came when he just told me that I wouldn't be able to travel with his family anymore and that I had to find my own accommodation.
    I was so disgusted because he didn't even consider all possibilities and already expected me to go to his sister's wedding at my own expense even though I would've been going as his date.

    Up till now I've always been under the impression that the reason why our relationship was so difficult was because of the fact that his family didn't like me, but now it felt as if it didn't work because he was putting the minimal amount of effort.

    The advice I really just want is, whether or not I was being irrational with breaking things off with him.

    There are of course many other factors, but I just want to know as well, if you were being invited as your SO's date for a wedding, shouldn't they ensure that you can actually make it?
    As in, should a person expect that the family or your S/O pay for your expenses to go to the wedding? Absolutely not. These aren't your parents and he isn't your husband. Even if it was my parents I wouldn't expect them to pay my way. You need to be responsible for your own expenses and if you can't afford it then you can't go. If he did / does decide to help that is a lovely gesture but should not be an expectation.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure. It really depends on your financial situation as a couple and also as individuals and what a couple is comfortable doing and not doing. As you may suspect, different people behave differently both independently and as a couple, whether they are one way with one person and another way with another person later on down the line and the financial health of any one person at any given time of a person's life. It's not very fair to ask if it's acceptable across the board or not to expect anyone to pay for anyone else.

    I don't think it's a good idea to break up based on one incident but it does sound like you have misgivings about your relationship with his family. I'm very happy to know that you have resisted putting yourself in any danger by making a long distance drive you're not comfortable with. I love driving and drive to relax but I don't expect everyone would feel that way. You shouldn't have to feel pressured to drive at all.

    I have never been a fan of destination weddings and have quietly opted out of all of them in my extended family and with friends. I find them too exclusive and designed to weed out the individuals who aren't of the inner circle in a very passive way. (Yes, I've had time to think about it.) Regardless of what you think or what your opinions are of destination weddings in general, you should reserve the right not to go for your personal reasons. I'd try to remain as objective as you can regarding your boyfriend's sister and her choice in venue. Their family should be respectful if you're not able to make it.

    Take it easy and don't place undue pressure on yourself. Life's too short for that. Celebrate your own life and don't forget to venerate and appreciate you. Whether this relationship ends or continues after the wedding or whether you both reconcile your differences, I'd leave it to time. You've made your stand and you should be proud of yourself for making decisions that preserve your safety and your financial health.

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    Member wasabi196's Avatar
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    I originally did agree with that statement, but my issue was with the fact that he didn't even think of any of the possibilities before asking me to make such a huge financial burden. Now for context it's more that if roles were reversed, I wouldn't ask him to pay a cent. Mind you, neither of our families are well off. So that being said, if roles were in fact reversed and I invited him as a plus one to my family's event, he wouldn't even have to worry about any admin with regards to transport or sleeping arrangements, because it's something that I want him to attend for me, I would ensure that he gets there.

    My issue was with the fact that he told me he had been discussing with his sisters for alleged weeks and couldn't come to a possible solution and then immediately just tells me that his sister would understand if I can't go, even if just in 10 minutes I already came up with 3 solutions that wouldn't have broken my bank.

    My issue never was with the fact that his family didn't pay for me, it's the mere fact that after so many years of being with him when it came to something with such simple solutions, he doesn't even consider them and then tells me that I no longer will be able to attend. The amount of effort that he put in, into something that he had been hyping me up for for months was absolutely ridiculous.

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    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    It sounds like the real issue in the relationship was that you didn't feel accepted by your ex's family and didn't feel like he stood up for you or supported you. I personally wouldn't expect anyone to pay my way to a wedding, regardless of circumstances, but I would in turn expect them to accept that I couldn't attend. Did you let him know in a kind way that you couldn't afford to go?

    It sounds like you wanted out for other reasons, though. Long-distance relationships are tiring and my guess is you're still pretty young. Give yourself time to process the breakup and rediscover who you are as a person. I'm sure feeling lonely and uncertain is making you second guess your decision, but you had reasons for ending the involvement.

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    Member wasabi196's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm not sure. It really depends on your financial situation as a couple and also as individuals and what a couple is comfortable doing and not doing. As you may suspect, different people behave differently both independently and as a couple, whether they are one way with one person and another way with another person later on down the line and the financial health of any one person at any given time of a person's life. It's not very fair to ask if it's acceptable across the board or not to expect anyone to pay for anyone else.

    I don't think it's a good idea to break up based on one incident but it does sound like you have misgivings about your relationship with his family. I'm very happy to know that you have resisted putting yourself in any danger by making a long distance drive you're not comfortable with. I love driving and drive to relax but I don't expect everyone would feel that way. You shouldn't have to feel pressured to drive at all.

    I have never been a fan of destination weddings and have quietly opted out of all of them in my extended family and with friends. I find them too exclusive and designed to weed out the individuals who aren't of the inner circle in a very passive way. (Yes, I've had time to think about it.) Regardless of what you think or what your opinions are of destination weddings in general, you should reserve the right not to go for your personal reasons. I'd try to remain as objective as you can regarding your boyfriend's sister and her choice in venue. Their family should be respectful if you're not able to make it.

    Take it easy and don't place undue pressure on yourself. Life's too short for that. Celebrate your own life and don't forget to venerate and appreciate you. Whether this relationship ends or continues after the wedding or whether you both reconcile your differences, I'd leave it to time. You've made your stand and you should be proud of yourself for making decisions that preserve your safety and your financial health.
    Thank you, I guess I'm kind of at a point where I just resent this entire situation. It actually is very upsetting for me, because I have been struggling for years with his parents opinion of me. Considering that we've been together for this long, it was just so upsetting to see the kind of effort he put in.
    What made things more difficult is the fact that I only see him every 5 months for a span for a maximum of 1 month which makes me frustrated that I would have wanted to see him for as long as I could before he leaves again and I would've thought he felt the same, but the effort he put in really was appalling.

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    Member wasabi196's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    It sounds like the real issue in the relationship was that you didn't feel accepted by your ex's family and didn't feel like he stood up for you or supported you. I personally wouldn't expect anyone to pay my way to a wedding, regardless of circumstances, but I would in turn expect them to accept that I couldn't attend. Did you let him know in a kind way that you couldn't afford to go?

    It sounds like you wanted out for other reasons, though. Long-distance relationships are tiring and my guess is you're still pretty young. Give yourself time to process the breakup and rediscover who you are as a person. I'm sure feeling lonely and uncertain is making you second guess your decision, but you had reasons for ending the involvement.
    Truth be told, his dad made a comment saying that I wasn't good enough for him. I heard this through my bf at the time on valentines day. It's just really stuff like that that really just makes me feel like I deserve a little more respect from his family.

    My intention was never to be a free loader, but himself and his entire family knew what I was financially capable of. Initially I would've traveled with his family, because they were going to drive up. Flying really isn't a big thing where I'm from because it just isn't something a lot of people can afford and since public transport isn't so easily accessible flying was just inconvenient altogether.

    The distance was so severe that there was a 6 hour time difference, but it never bothered me too much. It was just disappointing to think that he would just give me such a lazy conclusion to something that would have given us more time to spend together.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry - I'm unclear. Would you please re-state what his conclusion was that was of issue? You mentioned you felt upset that he seemed to write you off to his sisters (that that's what it felt like to you) but I'm trying to understand where he did that. I'm not sure I understood clearly because I didn't get that idea when I read the info above. In the first post you said he mentioned that you couldn't travel with his family anymore but in a later post it wasn't very explicit and they understood if you wouldn't be able to go. This seems fair. Would you please describe the situation again that upset you the most regarding his dealing with this wedding situation? I'm feeling like there's a verbal miscommunication and then things got disconnected.

    I'd slow down a little and try to deal with one thing at a time. Don't let his family or what they think get to you right now. Clear your mind for a moment and think about what triggered your frustration - the attendance issue at the wedding and how he handled it. It made you feel neglected and you felt he was callous.

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    Member wasabi196's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm sorry - I'm unclear. Would you please re-state what the his conclusion was that was of issue? You mentioned you felt upset that he seemed to have write you off to his sisters (that that's what it felt like to you) but I'm trying to understand where he did that. I'm not sure I understood clearly because I didn't get that idea when I read the info above. In the first post you said he couldn't travel with his family anymore but in a later post it wasn't very explicit and they understood if you wouldn't be able to go. This seems fair. Would you please describe the situation again that upset you the most regarding his dealing with this wedding situation?

    I'd slow down a little and try to deal with one thing at a time. Don't let his family or what they think get to you right now. Clear your mind for a moment and think about what triggered your frustration - the attendance issue at the wedding and how he handled it. It made you feel neglected and you felt he was callous.
    In terms of feeling written off, it's really that thing of his family understands the struggles of our relationship. Now him and his sisters had allegedly been discussing for weeks about how I would be able to attend. Now my issue where I felt this way was that the purpose of discussing transport arrangements is to ensure the person being transported can make it, but before they even get to a conclusion that was viable they just sort of say, "oh well, if she can't make it then, too bad, but I understand." That in itself felt so dismissive. What hits even harder is that my ex didn't even question it. Now being someone who lives quite a frugal lifestyle, I already came up with so many solutions to my problem, but it felt as if they barely put any thought into it.

    Another thing to note is that he has two sisters and he had been discussing with both sisters for a solution. Both of them being older me. I would expect since they're older than me, they'd be able to come up with similar if not the same solutions.

    Now I know it's not their job to come up with a solution either, but it's really that thing of like minimal effort for something that apparently would have been important for me to attend is shocking. I know like the bride has stress and such, but he has another sister that he should have asked for assistance, but their lack of thought just really made me feel so dismissed. It shouldn't be my job to question everything, I really just thought since our relationship has been going on for so many years, there would have been more thought and effort.

    Sometimes I felt like my ideals were clouded. He had always fed me the idea that his parents were the ones hindering me from me being able to fully be happy with him, yet after this whole debacle it seemed more like he was just putting the minimal effort in this relationship and blaming other people. This is probably what my biggest frustration is.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Thanks for explaining. I see what you mean and understand the story a bit more. I feel like there's a lot of hurt behind your words because the events themselves, I'll be honest with you, don't sound too terrible. I agree with SGH's first assessment that your problems might be going back a long time with his family and this situation just made things worse for you because it meant that you weren't going to be able to spend time with your boyfriend. I'm going to preface what I'm about to say by emphasizing that you should follow your gut instincts if you don't feel valued the way you think you should be in a relationship.

    The second part and what I'm about to say might not be easy to digest: I think the both of you are very incompatible and you have different expectations in a relationship. You should recognize when someone is incompatible with you because the first signs are usually when one person or both people bring out the worst in each other through no one's actual fault. If you were brought up a certain way or believe that there were other viable solutions in this particular situation, that's wonderful and I really congratulate you. It only tells me that you tend to think forwards and are able to problem-solve a bit faster than most people. You should recognize that not everyone will be like you and not everyone will have your best interests. You're hurt because you believe that you meant more to his family but I think that also stems from a deep insecurity that you might have never meant much in the first place. You'll have to fix that insecurity inside you and grow your self-confidence because it's going to radiate and engulf the way you think and treat others. This goes back to what SGH mentioned about your issues with his family.

    You shouldn't be made to feel insecure about yourself and someone who loves you wouldn't make you feel that way. Again, I don't feel you're compatible together and you shouldn't internalize it or take it very personally. His family is his family and you cannot control others or will them to do as you wish. All you can do is be true to yourself, be able, be independent, grow forwards and try not to put expectations on others to make up for your insecurities. It will make you look even more insecure and cause others to distrust you because your decisions are not coming from a sound place. Be free and be a peace. You don't have to live like this under the shadow of judgment from his family or anyone else.

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