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Thread: Devastated after being ghosted after single date due to performance issues

  1. #1
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    Devastated after being ghosted after single date due to performance issues

    It's been nearly 2 months since I met a girl I'd been talking to for a month on a dating app for the first date I'd been on in 2 years since my ex of 5 years left. As anxious as I was leading up to the date, it went incredibly. I'm 32 and she's 28. We had connection, chemistry, and had more in common with her than I do with any of my friends. The date lasted 4 hours before she suggested going back to my place.

    We got to my place and played guitars for an hour and watched a show together. Things finally got physical and we began making out for whole before moving to the bed room. At that point however, I had been awake for almost 24 hours and couldn't maintain an erection. As humiliating as this was, I assured her it wasn't her and she seemed ok and like she was into the idea of seeing me in the future. This was the last time I spoke to her. She ghosted me.

    About a day afterwards when I realized she was ghosting me, I thought to myself "well this sucks. But it was just one date. I should be over it in a week". I guess I was numb or it hasn't sunk in yet, because I did NOT anticipate the emotional pain I've suffered every day since. I don't think I can put into words how humiliating and devastating it has been to be ghosted by the only girl I'd been with in 2 years, whom I was REALLY into on a physical and mental level because of an issue with manhood.

    This has spiraled me into a full blown depression over the course of the last 2 months. I cannot stop thinking about this girl for even 1 minute. I've lost 10 lbs, I can't sleep, I cry for hours every night, I can't watch tv/movies or do any of the things I used to enjoy. Even my coworkers and managers have noticed a major difference in me.

    I've checked all the "natural depression remedies" you'll find on the internet. I've started exercising 5 days a week. Eating healthy. Cut porn/ masturbation. Gone on 4 dates with 3 women. Spending time with friends and family. Going out alone and actually socializing/ making new friends. Got laid last week. And still this girl is on my mind all day and night and I can't stop thinking about wanting her and getting back together with her.

    I went to the dr to double check that everything is ok with me on a physical level. We checked and he's certain it was being tired that night that caused the performance issues. He prescribed me pills incase it happens again, and chantix and wellbutrin to help me quit smoking and hopefully help with the depression. I also intend on scheduling a session edith a therapist soon.

    Yet even at this level. 2 months later after a SINGLE date. My mind is entirely consumed by thoughts of this girl and how I can get with her. What can I do?

  2. #2
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    First of all, sexual ability does not define if you are a man. It is a terribly toxic thing and you need to realize that. You are not less of a man because of how you perform in bed. The therapist thing is a perfect idea. I am sure it is really difficult to talk about with friends or family members, so getting a therapist to talk to is the best step, or talking to anyone for that matter. Also, you have no idea the thing that happened had anything to do with if she responded or not. It seemed like after that happened she was seemed down to do something again, so I feel like it may have not been that. Maybe something happened in her life and she realized she could not pursue a relationship, or an ex came back into her life or something. So many other possibilities. Even if she did ghost you because of that thing that happened, then honestly screw her. If she cannot get past some stupid sex thing on the first date, one that went very well it seems, then she does not deserve you. I hope, and know, you will get better!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP you need to see a therapist. This situation was clearly a trigger for some unresolved feelings of rejection / abandonment from your past that you never got over. This will keep coming up for you until you find the root cause and address it.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ReaperOfGrim
    I also intend on scheduling a session with a therapist soon.
    Stop intending and make the appointment.

    Your whole post, basically, is a case study in what therapy is great for. Working out, getting laid, quitting smoking—all good, but those are bandaids on the real stuff, the deep stuff to dive into and sort out so you're genuinely stable, in your core, rather than just on the surface.

    From where I sit, it's all pretty simple. You put an extraordinary amount of psychic pressure on this first date as MEANING SOMETHING because it was your first time diving back into the pool since you broke up with your ex. Which, hey, happens. The water can be cold when we haven't swum for a while!

    But to go into a tailspin about your manhood, to stop eating and start crying, because of this? Well, that speaks to something deep inside of you that hasn't been repaired. If you can approach this moment from the right angle, you'll see is as an important one you're lucky to have—life alerting you to something in your spirit that is needing some attention.

    Your ego, to put it bluntly, has got you by the balls. Not a good place to be. People ghost people, people fail to get erections sometimes—this is not World War Three. This is being alive. If you can't handle the business of being alive with some grace, humor, and humility you're going to find it very hard to enjoy dating, let alone meeting someone and enjoying a sustainable connection with.

    A good therapist is a blessing. It's like a training session in grace and humility—good stuff, just as good (well, better) than strong abs and biceps. You'll understand the root of this obsession and, in understanding it, you'll find it loses its power and, in the process, reintroduces you to your own power, the real stuff, not all this bogus ego noise.

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    Please seek therapy .

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You seem to have extremely low levels of self-confidence. I'm sorry this happened to you but it's not the end of the world. I don't have much experience with therapy but I'd second what the others have said as your predicament seems completely puzzling and alarming to me and I can imagine how frustrating it might be. Hang in there and don't give up hope on dating or finding a compatible person for you. Let go of these unhealthy thoughts and let go of that other girl.

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    Honestly, if you had been awake for 24 hours, why did you take her up to your place? A first date should be in public.
    BTW, the phone works both ways. You mean you did not text or call her the next evening to tell her you had a great time and would like to see her again? Or ask her out? YOUR lack of communication could have sealed the deal. I do think you should seek help about your anxiety but really -- GET SOME SLEEP. Don't go on a date where you have not slept for 24 hours. eat properly - a little self care goes a long way. you may not have ED - you might just have been exhausted

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Stop intending and make the appointment.

    Your whole post, basically, is a case study in what therapy is great for. Working out, getting laid, quitting smoking—all good, but those are bandaids on the real stuff, the deep stuff to dive into and sort out so you're genuinely stable, in your core, rather than just on the surface.

    From where I sit, it's all pretty simple. You put an extraordinary amount of psychic pressure on this first date as MEANING SOMETHING because it was your first time diving back into the pool since you broke up with your ex. Which, hey, happens. The water can be cold when we haven't swum for a while!

    But to go into a tailspin about your manhood, to stop eating and start crying, because of this? Well, that speaks to something deep inside of you that hasn't been repaired. If you can approach this moment from the right angle, you'll see is as an important one you're lucky to have—life alerting you to something in your spirit that is needing some attention.

    Your ego, to put it bluntly, has got you by the balls. Not a good place to be. People ghost people, people fail to get erections sometimes—this is not World War Three. This is being alive. If you can't handle the business of being alive with some grace, humor, and humility you're going to find it very hard to enjoy dating, let alone meeting someone and enjoying a sustainable connection with.

    A good therapist is a blessing. It's like a training session in grace and humility—good stuff, just as good (well, better) than strong abs and biceps. You'll understand the root of this obsession and, in understanding it, you'll find it loses its power and, in the process, reintroduces you to your own power, the real stuff, not all this bogus ego noise.
    I really appreciate the comments. Judging by all of your replies, it seems all of you put quite alot of value into therapy. It makes me happy to hear, because I've only considered it at this point because it's "something to do" that I've heard may help with the amount of pain I'm currently in, and not necessarily because I know whether or not it's actually valuable, as I've never done it before. Now I'm excited to try it.

    And I don't know why I'm so stuck on this girl. She came on so strong in the conversations beforehand and kept complimenting me the night of the date. I had no doubt the entire night that we were going to see each other again. We'd talked about watching the new season of game of thrones together, bucket list items, ect and she really had me sold on how much she was into me.

    But aaaallll that being said, there were red flags that night that indicated she was in no way had long term potential. She lived with her (ex?)husband that she owned a business with and had a son with. She didn't intend on living in town for longer than a year. She flat out told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. At this point however, she's so high up on a pedestal in my mind, that none of this keeps me from thinking about her all day and wishing I could see her again, and do fun things with her. I really wish I could be mad at her and hold resentment towards her- i think it'd be helpful and that most guys in my situation would. But I have none in me. Just like...a wanting to give to her or something. I just can't seem to connect my emotions with my logic.

  10. #9
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    Just don't expect therapy to be quick. It's a long term aid that may not solve the immediate problem soon, but will have measurable benefits on this and other areas of your life.

  11. #10
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    But aaaallll that being said, there were red flags that night that indicated she was in no way had long term potential.

    If you found out she was living with her ex during the course of the date, why not end the evening not bringing her home or playing guitars and calling it a night? Maybe you just are fixated on her because she is not available to date and now are deciding its your fault when its her fault she is not available (is probably still married)

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