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Thread: Confused heart

  1. #11
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    He is completly lukewarm. I ignored him for not even a day and he literally blew my phone up asking me what i was doing and is this really how im acting? Its extrremly confusing. At the same time of not wanting to see me, he messages at night asking if i need anything before he gets home? but wont commit to meeting? Do i just commit to ignoring?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure why he won't meet you. He may be afraid of a confrontation. If you feel this is the case, you might want to consider it over on your own terms. Take a time out or a breather for a moment to determine what you really need in order to go forward.

  3. #13
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    I agree, it is just so difficult to do especially as i never wanted it to be over to begin with. Thank you Rose x

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Instead of thinking of his hot/cold behavior as "confusing" think of it as "clarity." This is who he is right now, all he can offer. It sucks. It hurts. But it is not ambiguous, you know? He is being very consistent, in ways that should make it "clear" that he can't give you what you need to feel secure.

    It's ignoring that idea that is confusing more than the actual behavior.

    As others have said, he's young. He's battling a zillion thoughts and feelings right now that he can't articulate. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change all that, and it may be years before he has the sort of clarity about things you want right now. Years.

    I would tell him—and I know how hard this is—that you've done some thinking and have realized you can't stay in touch anymore, that you need to give yourself some time to think and feel. He will very likely ignore this and continue doing what he's doing. That's not because he's a selfish monster, but it's also not as simple as him loving you. It's his confusion. Confusion is contagious. Think of taking some time to yourself as a way to avoid the contagion so you don't get more infected than you already are.

    I wish I had rosier advice. But I've been him, as have a lot of people. People don't reconnect through hot/cold loops but just get further apart, drained.

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  6. #15
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    I know your very right. I guess me saying its confusing is my little bit of hope.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It's okay to hope. It's human. He has hope too.

    The important thing—and the hard thing—is what we do to cope with and indulge that hope. The hot/cold texts? That's, well, hopeless. Doesn't do either of you any favors because it keeps you in this place and very quickly becomes the place. The more you do that the more you tarnish the good stuff between you too.

    I'm not sure if this will resonate, but a personal story: I hit a version of the skids he's in many years ago in a relationship, when I was around his age. I ended it, which was so hard—for me, and especially for her. Came out of nowhere. Even while ending it I knew I wanted another chance, but I also knew there was some itch I needed to scratch that I couldn't scratch inside the relationship. It wasn't something to articulate. It wasn't another woman. It was just...something.

    This was before the days of texting and social media. We just went...silent. It sucked. It hurt. But after a few months I reached back out to her, with a clearer head and heart. She'd processed things a bit, had a clearer head and heart too. We were calm, not anxious. We got back together—not forever, but another nice chapter that we're both grateful to have had.

    Had texting etc. existed back then? I probably would have been doing exactly what he's doing and there's no way we'd have had that chapter—to say nothing of the one that followed, a hard breakup that led, eventually, to a lifelong friendship. (I'm 39, for reference.) But without the technology to indulge hope with that kind of destructive and immature instinct the instinct was dormant, and the good between us didn't get tarnished by drama.

  8. #17
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LOSTGIRLV
    Not his first love no, but first serious/ intense relationship yes.

    - right. He's not ready to fall in love in yet - he feels like he has to sow his wild oats. This happens often with young men and women.

    All you can do is find a replacement, another man. In time, you'll get over this man and be right as rain again.

  9. #18
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    As to what you do now... if I were in your position, I'd tell him that I love him and that the door is still open. However, you're finding that this on/off contact is too painful to deal with, and you'd rather not hear from him again unless it's to state, unequivocally, that he wants to rekindle the relationship.

    Then block him, to stop all this communication which is really messing with you right now. If he wants you back, he'll find a way to get in touch.

    Other than that, carry on with your own life, your own interests and your own friends and put him behind you.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    As to what you do now... if I were in your position, I'd tell him that I love him and that the door is still open. However, you're finding that this on/off contact is too painful to deal with, and you'd rather not hear from him again unless it's to state, unequivocally, that he wants to rekindle the relationship.
    I'm with this, except I'd use the time to consider how willing I really am to reinvest in someone who can wake up and drop me on a dime. That's a pretty high stress way to live, and I doubt I'd be up for it.

  11. #20
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    I think your suspicion that he has met someone else might be correct, OP.

    He isn't sure where that might go, but he knows he can't reasonably continue a relationship with you in any "official" capacity if he exploring another option. However, he doesn't want you to go anywhere in case it doesn't work out with her.

    I agree he is young and probably far from being ready to settle down, which is ultimately the underlying problem. If there is another girl on his radar, she was only a catalyst in bringing to the surface other issues which he hadn't previously voiced to you.

    Be honest with him that his continued contact and refusal to see you is too confusing and that you would prefer he not be in touch unless he wants to commit to the relationship. But, as catfeeder rightly points out, you need to spend some time thinking very carefully about whether or not you would be able to continue with him knowing how suddenly he walked away. This isn't a guy who is invested or on the same page as you.

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