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Thread: Pregnant Wife vs. Woman I've Fallen For

  1. #1

    Pregnant Wife vs. Woman I've Fallen For

    So I've got myself into a pretty horrible situation.

    I've been with my wife for 12.5 years (married for 5 next month) since I was 19 and she was 20. We were friends for a while and then our relationship grew and moved quite quickly into being a couple. We spent pretty much every night together from the start, formally moved in together after 1.5 years when we moved to the same city for work and have been together since. In general it has been a happy but turbulent relationship - we've had our ups and downs with depression, co-dependency, lots of arguing over large and small stuff. At times I've felt she's controlling and abusive (mentally and less frequently physically), and that has only exacerbated in recent years since we moved away from our friends to be closer to her hometown and had our first child. Last November we decided to have another child and she's now towards the later stages of pregnancy, so obviously there have been a lot of emotions and stress since then.

    Since then I've met someone else at work. The feelings were pretty immediate on both sides (although that wasn't discovered until recently). She's married with a child as well, neither of us has felt like this before (both in terms of strength of feelings and in feeling them while in a relationship with someone else) and the connection was strong from the start. We share the same interests, sense of humour, opinions - its a cliche but its very much a "finish each others sentence" kind of thing. There's also a strong mutual attraction (something which, if I'm honest, not a lot of people have felt for me in the past - especially someone who I consider to be so beautiful)

    At first we were just close at work, but subsequently we began messaging more and more outside of work especially when my marital issues became more clear and in turn so did hers. It got to the stage where we were pretty much in constant communication when we were apart. About three weeks ago my wife and I had a huge fight (she discovered I'd been hiding that I'd been drinking from her, a massive bone of contention in our relationship as I've often drunk heavily to cope with difficult times in the past) and she told me she wanted me out. The other girl was supportive, despite all her instincts to support the woman and not let her feelings cloud things.

    I left the following weekend after a week of arguing and tension to stay at a friends. I returned the following day to see my child and when going to leave got into another blazing row about how I wasn't fighting for the relationship (I'll be honest, a cowardly part of me was looking for an easy way out at the time). After a few hours I returned to talk about things and it became clear that my wife didn't want me to leave, was just angry and wanted to work on things. In the mean time myself and the other girl had revealed our feelings for each other despite knowing that we couldn't act on them.

    A temporary resolution was put in place with my wife but I grew ever closer to the other girl, still messaging but now knowing our feelings for each other they became more intense and delved deeper into our mutual feelings of love. Despite all this we agreed I had to focus on my family and most importantly my children, and whatever would be would be in the long term. It all came to a head when I mentioned in passing that I'd been swapping messages about an upcoming business trip with the girl (my wife has noticed I'd been on my phone a lot and I'd been trying to throw her off the scent by claiming the messages were to other people but wanted to cover myself by saying who I'd been messaging in this instance as they were innocuous messages). When my wife asked to see the messages and I wouldn't show her the full chat she knew something was up and was understandably devastated. She looked at the messages in all of their gruesome detail - criticisms of her, criticisms of the girls husband, talk about a future together, declarations of love - harrowing stuff for anyone to read when written by someone they thought loved them

    In spite of this my wife wants to make things work. She says she still loves me and while at times she's incredibly hurt and angry about everything she doesn't want her children to not have a father around all the time (my wife didn't have her father around a lot during childhood so has strong opinions on the matter, even though I know I would always do anything for my children in any situation). All of our family know, as do some of our friends and colleagues. Everyone has different thoughts and feelings on the matter; she should leave me for the betrayal, I should leave her if I love someone else, we should stay together and try to make things work for the kids and try to get back the love we had, that my feelings for the other girl are borne out of unhappiness and are probably infatuation rather than love. The other girl, in all of this, has cut off all communication outside of work but says she still feels the same way and just wants me to work out what's best for my family - she feels incredibly guilty about breaking up a family and despite making plans for her own relationship doesn't want to factor me into them or for me to factor them into mine.

    So I don't know what I should do. I do love my wife, and my children are the most important thing in the world for me - the thought of them not thinking of me as a proper Dad breaks my heart, as does the thought of not being around for the birth of my second son or key relationship building moments. At the same time I truly feel that I am in love with the other girl; it feels like a bond that has just clicked, she fills my every thought (or at least did before everything kicked off and I've had to focus on the bigger picture) and while we are yet to do anything physical outside of kissing/hugging/hand holding (we're not 12, honestly) we'd made plans for it to happen and were eagerly awaiting the moment it could happen. The idea of not having her in my life kills me and it feels like if nothing happens I'd live a life of regret. She had said that she would wait until we were in a position down the line to make difficult decisions, but I know how circumstances/feelings change and how hard it would be to live a lie for an extended period of time and be with my wife (I've even been told to not be completely honest about my feelings with my wife in order to salvage the marriage, but she sees right through me).

    Any advice on what I should do would be truly appreciated. I do think my wife and I could get back to a happier place with a lot of work (our relationship has lacked kindness and intimacy for a long time but my wife had certainly been doing her utmost to change this after our big fight, while admittedly my mind was elsewhere). At the same time I know if I pursue this new relationship there's a chance down the line it doesn't work and I lose everything - both women, my home, the chance to see my children grow up on a daily basis. Right now I feel like the other girl would make me happier if there was no other factor (kids, families, work etc) but I know that I might be clouded by emotion and the early stages of romance.

    For what it's worth I feel rotten about it. I don't deserve, nor do I want sympathy. I've betrayed the trust of those close to me and even though my wife might forgive me I know that it has changed my relationship with not just her but our families and, eventually, my sons forever. Neither myself nor the other girl were looking for this, or had done anything similar in the past, but it just happened. I know ultimately I have to make a decision but I feel pretty lost and uncertain at the moment and am getting mixed messages from everyone.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If drinking and cheating is always something or someone else's fault, you can convince yourself that it's ok.

  3. #3
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    If drinking and cheating is always something or someone else's fault, you can convince yourself that it's ok.
    I'm well aware that it's my own fault and that regardless of the situation those things were my choice. I'm not trying to excuse those things, just get help for the situation I find myself in

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Since you put yourself there the best way to deal with it is to get yourself out by getting help for drinking and deciding whether you want an affair or a decent marriage or a divorce.
    Originally Posted by shakamoto
    the situation I find myself in

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  6. #5
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    Do you want to be able to keep them both?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    I’ve been involved with a MM {married man} myself...and it definitely made me feel full of guilt. We did not end up together but in hindsight I’m glad.
    I think the fact that your wife already knows about this other woman and still wants to make your marriage work says volumes about her. She is also going to have another child. All married couples argue and fight. If this other person wasn’t involved this wouldlikely be a non issue....the fact that she’s there and showing you attention, in some way makes your marriage less salvageable. You haven’t even been on a date with her or seen her in a bad mood.....so it’s easy to want the good parts of someone else.

    My advice is to end all contact with this other woman and give your marriage 100% of your energy. Yes, it may be hard..at first, but you owe it to yourself and your family. Don’t “see how it goes”...you need to commit to it. As long as you have an “out” it won’t work. If this isn’t something you’re 100% committed to, then leave ....but NOT for someone else.

  8. #7
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    One thing I would just like to ask you to really consider as to whether this girl is the "shiny new thing". You've been in a serious relationship basically almost half your life, since you were a teenager. Maybe you hadn't explored being with different women and didn't experiment and party when you were younger. That's understandable. I mean, I don't know what you truly have with this woman of course, but could there be a possibility that it's just a crush?

    I think things with your wife have probably gotten a little stale, especially since having a child and another on the way. That is normal though that after 12 years and the responsibility of a child, that now it's not all rainbows and butterflies and can be hard work. You may be projecting onto the new woman because she's new and exciting. That's how it always is at the start when you have a crush. I think having lust or a crush is not the same as being in love though.

    You've been with your wife so long and for 7 years before you even got married or had kids. So obviously there were good things about her and things you loved because you chose to be in the relationship all these years. The new woman may seem more amazing because she's just that - new. I'm not talking about the fact that you cheated or what not but I'm just urging you to think about what is really at stake here.

    You have not been in a relationship with this woman really, you haven't known her that long. You really have no idea as to whether it would even work out. Your situation is in a sense a bit artificial. You are both bored with your marriage and having issues and you clicked, so you turned to each other for comfort. Had you met on online dating or in some other environment and were both single, who knows if that woman would have still been into you. And really you don't know if she will even leave her husband or whether she'll go back to him later.

    Look you really might be in love but you also might just be living in fantasy land. If you really can't picture yourself being with your wife then sure you can end the marriage. We will always be tempted in life though and the whole point of a marriage is you say "no" to those temptations. Otherwise what is the point to marry and start a family if that marriage doesn't mean anything.

  9. #8
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Since you put yourself there the best way to deal with it is to get yourself out by getting help for drinking and deciding whether you want an affair or a decent marriage or a divorce.
    I don't consider myself an alcoholic, whether that's right or wrong. I have used it as a crutch in the past, and always known its wrong, but I'm not dependent on drink. I know I don't want an affair, I just don't know about the other two

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Do you want to be able to keep them both?
    No of course not. I'm not going to lie and say before everything came out in my life I wasn't happy to "have my cake and eat it too" but I know it isn't feasible and can't happen long term. With that said I don't want to lose relationships with them both, be that as friends or colleagues or parents, whatever situation emerges from this

    Originally Posted by JA0371
    I’ve been involved with a MM {married man} myself...and it definitely made me feel full of guilt. We did not end up together but in hindsight I’m glad.
    I think the fact that your wife already knows about this other woman and still wants to make your marriage work says volumes about her. She is also going to have another child. All married couples argue and fight. If this other person wasn’t involved this wouldlikely be a non issue....the fact that she’s there and showing you attention, in some way makes your marriage less salvageable. You haven’t even been on a date with her or seen her in a bad mood.....so it’s easy to want the good parts of someone else.

    My advice is to end all contact with this other woman and give your marriage 100% of your energy. Yes, it may be hard..at first, but you owe it to yourself and your family. Don’t “see how it goes”...you need to commit to it. As long as you have an “out” it won’t work. If this isn’t something you’re 100% committed to, then leave ....but NOT for someone else.
    Thanks for your advice. Its easier said than done because we work together but she is certainly capable of separating personal and professional and I'm doing my best. I have seen her in a bad mood (this kind of situation has brought turbulence out in us all) and while we haven't been on a formal "date" we have been for drinks, walks etc together and been open about our feelings. To be fair she is keen to end all non-work related contact to help me work through things and I know if I am going to make it work I need to commit to that for all involved. And I also know that if I choose to leave it can't be for some idealised life, it needs to be for me

    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    One thing I would just like to ask you to really consider as to whether this girl is the "shiny new thing". You've been in a serious relationship basically almost half your life, since you were a teenager. Maybe you hadn't explored being with different women and didn't experiment and party when you were younger. That's understandable. I mean, I don't know what you truly have with this woman of course, but could there be a possibility that it's just a crush?

    I think things with your wife have probably gotten a little stale, especially since having a child and another on the way. That is normal though that after 12 years and the responsibility of a child, that now it's not all rainbows and butterflies and can be hard work. You may be projecting onto the new woman because she's new and exciting. That's how it always is at the start when you have a crush. I think having lust or a crush is not the same as being in love though.

    You've been with your wife so long and for 7 years before you even got married or had kids. So obviously there were good things about her and things you loved because you chose to be in the relationship all these years. The new woman may seem more amazing because she's just that - new. I'm not talking about the fact that you cheated or what not but I'm just urging you to think about what is really at stake here.

    You have not been in a relationship with this woman really, you haven't known her that long. You really have no idea as to whether it would even work out. Your situation is in a sense a bit artificial. You are both bored with your marriage and having issues and you clicked, so you turned to each other for comfort. Had you met on online dating or in some other environment and were both single, who knows if that woman would have still been into you. And really you don't know if she will even leave her husband or whether she'll go back to him later.

    Look you really might be in love but you also might just be living in fantasy land. If you really can't picture yourself being with your wife then sure you can end the marriage. We will always be tempted in life though and the whole point of a marriage is you say "no" to those temptations. Otherwise what is the point to marry and start a family if that marriage doesn't mean anything.
    I really don't think it's a "new and shiny" situation but I respect your point. I partied plenty in my (relative) youth but didn't have much in the way of sexual experiences. I've also had plenty of crushes in the past and not acted on them because there hasn't been a deep, intense feeling connected. And I've always been willing to tackle the hard work - I like to think I'm a great, caring Dad and I do everything I can at home (all the DIY, most of the cooking and cleaning) but I can get how that also leads me to feel bored and alone

    I do appreciate all the advice and insight, thank you all

  10. 06-10-2019, 09:22 AM

  11. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The days of 50 year marriages no longer work in this day and age.

    People don't know how to make a marriage work or how to keep their eyes on their partner.

    I am truly amazed sometimes the stories I read on here and how low people allow themselves to get.

    You don't even think of your child or unborn child or your wife...you are hurting all these people and helping to damage them and destroy bits of their life.

    You are thinking with your nether regions only and I sincerely feel sorry for your wife. She should have never wasted her time on you.

  12. #10
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    The days of 50 year marriages no longer work in this day and age.

    People don't know how to make a marriage work or how to keep their eyes on their partner.

    I am truly amazed sometimes the stories I read on here and how low people allow themselves to get.

    You don't even think of your child or unborn child or your wife...you are hurting all these people and helping to damage them and destroy bits of their life.

    You are thinking with your nether regions only and I sincerely feel sorry for your wife. She should have never wasted her time on you.
    You're a star SherrySher. Thanks for your balanced, deep insight. The reality is I've purely thought with my penis and nothing else. Thanks for the clarity you've given me, I'm off to become a priest.

  13. 06-10-2019, 09:39 AM

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