Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 4 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 43

Thread: Pregnant Wife vs. Woman I've Fallen For

  1. #31
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    32
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    IMO if you do that because you THINK you love some other woman that you've not spend one moment of real life with, then you will be potentially making a huge ball of chit for a lot of people in your life including yourself.

    If you leave then leave because you don't want to be married to the mother of your children any longer but do not hook up with someone who has helped you to cheat. Give up both women and see how you feel without either of your crutches.
    Yeah. If you're sure you've actually fallen for the woman like you say in the thread title, then I definitely recommend leaving, especially if this woman is more appealing than resolving the marital issues. I would wait a while time for your emotions to settle down (like you said, you could be clouded by early romance right now) and then think about this with a more calm mind. However, the fact that you're even considering leaving your wife over an early romance - that just speaks volumes to me, as if this new woman isn't what suddenly changed you, that if anything, she just highlighted your pre-existing unhappiness.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    8,866
    OP, you are not doing right by your kids even now. You are putting an extraordinary amount of stress on their mother and upsetting the entire family dynamic, which you bet will hurt those children in the long-run. The fact that she is still pregnant makes this point even more significant; you hurt the mom, you hurt the baby. Think about that.

    Look, the chances of a relationship working out with this other woman are slim to none. She's already stepped back, and I think it's unlikely she will leave her own marriage for you. Sure, it was fun when it was all a secret - but when reality punched you both in the face, she realized it's not what she wants.

    However, this affair has brought to light a pantload of issues in your marriage that do need addressing. Like, yesterday. If you are unhappy enough to leave, it needs to be because you truly see no future with your wife and are okay being single. It is likely not going to mean leaving your marriage and having a relationship with this other woman. That happen sometimes, sure, but the odds are totally against you here. Stop any and all contact with her now, and focus on the very difficult decisions in front of you. The other woman will probably be only a memory a year from now, anyway.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,538
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by amii1
    Yeah. If you're sure you've actually fallen for the woman like you say in the thread title, then I definitely recommend leaving, especially if this woman is more appealing than resolving the marital issues. I would wait a while time for your emotions to settle down (like you said, you could be clouded by early romance right now) and then think about this with a more calm mind. However, the fact that you're even considering leaving your wife over an early romance - that just speaks volumes to me, as if this new woman isn't what suddenly changed you, that if anything, she just highlighted your pre-existing unhappiness.
    If you understood codependency, you would understand that him leaving, without ever getting help for said codependency, will just (more likely then not) end him up in the same type of relationship dynamic that he left... not unlike what your own mother ended up doing when she jumped out of the frying pan and away from your father into the fire that your philandering stepfather turned out to be.

  4. #34
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    32
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    If you understood codependency, you would understand that him leaving, without ever getting help for said codependency, will just (more likely then not) end him up in the same type of relationship dynamic that he left... not unlike what your own mother ended up doing when she jumped out of the frying pan and away from your father into the fire that your philandering stepfather turned out to be.
    Wow. That is not at all what happened with my mother. Let's keep things respectful here. Yikes, is all I can say in response to this.
    Last edited by amii1; 06-11-2019 at 11:23 PM. Reason: typo

  5.  

  6. #35
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,523
    From your original post:

    >>I've been with my wife for 12.5 years (married for 5 next month) since I was 19 and she was 20. In general it has been a happy but turbulent relationship - we've had our ups and downs with depression, co-dependency, lots of arguing over large and small stuff. At times I've felt she's controlling and abusive (mentally and less frequently physically), and that has only exacerbated in recent years since we moved away from our friends to be closer to her hometown and had our first child. Last November we decided to have another child and she's now towards the later stages of pregnancy, so obviously there have been a lot of emotions and stress since then.<<

    ----

    I've read everyone's posts, and while I 100% agree that people (in general) don't take their marital vows and commitment as seriously as once was, the above is quite telling.

    First off, until this new woman, she is the only woman you've been with since you were 19. A true testament as to why people should wait, date and have relationships with many people before settling down in a marriage and having children.

    Second, if I read your post correctly, your relationship has been rocky and turbulent even before you got married, so may I ask why you got married?

    Now to your situation. Given that I grew up in a very unhappy home with a dad who was not happy married to my mom, and to cope distanced himself by having affairs (not proud to admit about my own dad but true), you are NOT doing your kids any great favors by remaining in what appears to be, a very unhappy marriage.

    Quite the contrary, when your kids gets a bit older (or even now), they will sense your unhappiness, not to mention become witness to the fights, the tension, the turmoil, and it will have a very deep and profound effect on them, as it did with myself and my brother.

    In fact, I can't say there is a correlation but I developed a very severe anxiety disorder as a teenager, and later was diagnosed with Bipolar 2.

    I do relate the anxiety disorder to what I experienced growing up though, witnessing my parent's unhappy and extremely dysfunctional marriage.

    That said, it's flat out wrong for you to pursue your feelings for this other woman while your wife is pregnant with your second (or third?) child.

    It would be wrong for you to pursue it even if your wife wasn't pregnant, but given the fact she is, makes your behavior all the more egregious. It also lacks integrity.

    If you are so unhappy in your marriage and you've tried every avenue, including marriage counseling to fix it, and things haven't improved or are getting worse, then after your wife delivers, consider and discuss with your wife filing for divorce.

    After which you're free to pursue as many women as your heart desires, including this new woman.

    Had I not witnessed the emotional destruction that remaining in a unhappy marriage can do, when one partner or both, are having affairs or thinking about having affairs (emotional or physical) or developing strong intense feelings for another, I might feel differently, but I did, and as I said it had a very powerful negative effect on me and my brother.

    Both of us struggling with commitment issues, my brother more than I (and still is). And myself with my anxiety, among other issues, which I've taken steps to resolve, and have, but still struggling with others, and probably always will.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-12-2019 at 04:52 PM.

  7. #36
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Posts
    144
    Surpisingly there's men who kill their wives for this very reason. You gotta leave if you're not happy but that doesnt mean you should be inconsiderate about her feelings as well.

    Getting dropped while pregnant is a womans worst fear. If you insist on ripping the bandaid and crushing her world, you could at least make sure you're not pursuing any new relationships during the pregnancy. It's not like she can go off and find someone else without being scrutinized


    That is fair.

    She shouldn't have to sit around pregnant with your kid while you go around doing whatever you like.

    You should also realize that once you close that door, like once you break it off with her, there's a chance that you'll either: 1. Bail like a deadbeat or 2. Walk into the messiest custody agreement ever. You need to consider that before you do anything.

    Are you dedicated to parenthood? If the mother dislikes you, are you still interested in the child and having the child in your life?

  8. #37
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,523
    Originally Posted by rchubn

    Surpisingly there's men who kill their wives for this very reason. You gotta leave if you're not happy but that doesnt mean you should be inconsiderate about her feelings as well.
    Lacy Peterson comes to mind. 8 months pregnant, her husband Scott begins an intense affair with Amber Fry, and murdered her (Lacy).

    Sadly, so many other stories just like this, but what makes Lacy Peterson's story so egregious is the fact she was pregnant.

    Scott Peterson is currently on death row.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,504
    It makes me very sad that these women were good enough to impregnate but less than 8 months later they want to discard them. :(

    No one deserves that kind of heartache.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,538
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by amii1
    Wow. That is not at all what happened with my mother. Let's keep things respectful here. Yikes, is all I can say in response to this.
    Did you not say that your step father cheats on your mother? You did say this
    My stepdad does cheat by the way
    and you also said you wished your mother and step father would just leave one another.

    Your mom jumped from one dysfunctional relationship into another dysfunctional relationship wherein her codependency keeps her with unsuitable men for far too long. Men who did not/do not respect her. Which leads me to believe how "functional" will the Op's relationship be with his 'other woman' who he barely knows and when he is, by all accounts, severely codependent and a product of his father's alcoholism?

    I mean no disrespect I'm just pointing out that the Op will likely end up in the same boat as your mother if he doesn't work on his own codependency. Advising him to leave Is one thing, advising him to leave when he hasn't worked on his issues (and thereby possibly salvaging his marriage and being happy in it) is another.

    Peace!
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 06-12-2019 at 06:52 PM.

  11. #40
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    32
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Did you not say that your step father cheats on your mother? You did say this and you also said you wished your mother and step father would just leave one another.

    Your mom jumped from one dysfunctional relationship into another dysfunctional relationship wherein her codependency keeps her with unsuitable men for far too long. Men who did not/do not respect her. Which leads me to believe how "functional" will the Op's relationship be with his 'other woman' who he barely knows and when he is, by all accounts, severely codependent and a product of his father's alcoholism?

    I mean no disrespect I'm just pointing out that the Op will likely end up in the same boat as your mother if he doesn't work on his own codependency. Advising him to leave Is one thing, advising him to leave when he hasn't worked on his issues (and thereby possibly salvaging his marriage and being happy in it) is another.

    Peace!
    My mother did not jump from one dysfunctional relationship into another, no idea where you got that from. I mentioned nothing about the years or relationships in between. Further, her relationships had little to do with codependency - I even mentioned abuse from her first marriage, and a lot of fear was obviously involved. The current has to do with the kids (the image of a successful marriage they give off), like I mentioned, and not each other. Religion is involved as well, where divorce is sinful and arranged marriages are the way, not to mention PTSD from the past, but I don’t have to go there. Even though you said you don’t mean disrespect, I find a description like “jumping from a frying pan into the fire” disrespectful, especially when that’s not the case, but also with all the assumptions, too. Anyways, I’m not interested in continuing this conversation. If we disagree, then we disagree. Please leave me alone. It’s upsetting to discuss my mother like this. My original response to you was in agreement to what you had said to the OP, where I just said ‘yeah’ and then added more of my thoughts to the OP. Didn’t mean to invoke a whole dialogue with you.

Page 4 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •