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Thread: Pregnant Wife vs. Woman I've Fallen For

  1. #21
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    To the OP - you don't state for how long you've been emotionally involved with the other woman, but it sounds as though you're still experiencing the honeymoon stage of the relationship - certainly, the way you describe the sense of connection in almost mystical terms, unlike anything you've ever experienced before... all that.

    This doesn't last, even in relationships with no external complications.

    Once this phase is over, the rosy-tinted spectacles fall away, the hormone-fuelled passion calms down - and that's when you start the relationship proper. In the situation you have at the moment, that can't happen. The thrill of stolen moments and the drama will all be adding to what is, essentially, an illusion. You don't actually know this girl in a meaningful way - i.e. the ups and downs and boring mundanity of everyday life - but those are the things which make the difference between a genuinely long-lasting relationship, and one which will crash and burn very quickly.

    The other girl is staying away from you outside work. Use this time to devote yourself 100% to your marriage, be there for your wife, share the delight in your new son and generally appreciate everything you've built up over the last 12 years. If it doesn't work out, then you can come to some arrangement secure in the knowledge that you've given it everything you have. It would be a monumental tragedy if you were to end your marriage and be with the other woman in a relationship which ends quickly because it is, at root, a fantasy.

  2. #22
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    I wonder how "connected " that other woman will feel to you when you're living in a crappy one bedroom apartment and feeling lousy because your wife cited adultery in your divorce and you only see your kids for 48 hours every two weeks.

    Is this other woman worth all that?

  3. #23
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    the best thing to do when you're in such a huge, self-imposed trainwreck, is to stop thinking about yourself. Look to saving the innocent from destruction.

    As others have said.

    1. Drop the side chick, that is a crutch to soothe yourself as much as the booze is.
    2. stop drinking--period. your logic is gone.
    3. Protect your children from your destructive behavior.
    4. Step up your game with your wife during her pregnancy. Jeez, be unselfish, completely, right now whether or not you two are fighting or ending the relationship.

    5. get into individual counseling to combat your worst impulses that you seem to be wallowing in right now.

    6. Punt down the road talk of divorce or abandoning your responsibilities.

    7. As you dump the side chick, do NOT get ANOTHER one.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    In general it has been a happy but turbulent relationship - we've had our ups and downs with depression, co-dependency, lots of arguing over large and small stuff. At times I've felt she's controlling and abusive (mentally and less frequently physically), and that has only exacerbated in recent years since we moved away from our friends to be closer to her hometown and had our first child. Last November we decided to have another child and she's now towards the later stages of pregnancy, so obviously there have been a lot of emotions and stress since then.

    I always find it interesting that people can recount the list of problems within their marriage, then it only becomes a real problem and one worth leaving - when they've met someone else.

    Apparently the problems weren't bad enough to address them in the moment, but then become an excuse to have an affair, after the fact.

    Maybe I missed it. But what did the two of you do to address the issues of control, abuse, depression, alcohol and codependency while simultaneously deciding to bring more children into this? You might have some understanding if you were able to address how hard either of you tried to fix any of it, but I don't see that.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I can understand if you've made up your mind either way despite the previous indiscretions but that you don't know which path is best for you suggests to me that you are deeply lost and no one can really give you the answers you seek.

    In that respect, this thread is really for you to share your thoughts and vent and it should serve as a safe space for you to voice your thoughts. The answer that you seek is something that you need to decide on your own.

    Regardless of whether you stay in a marriage or enter the world as a single (separated/divorced) man, you still should recognize that there's a lot more to grow and rebuild in your life. When we leave relationships especially ones with children, there is a lot of rebuilding. A new relationship may not be your solution or ticket to happiness especially if your biggest concern is your children. Start clarifying what means most to you.

    Start moving in the direction of peace whichever way you decide and creating more harmony around you. The total lack of harmony within you is now apparent in all the disharmony around you and the dysfunction in the relationships others have with you. Keep moving towards more peace.

  7. #26
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    Start moving in the direction of peace whichever way you decide and creating more harmony around you. The total lack of harmony within you is now apparent in all the disharmony around you and the dysfunction in the relationships others have with you. Keep moving towards more peace.

    so you are suggesting the path of least resistance and whats in his comfort zone vs ripping the bandaid off

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Start moving in the direction of peace whichever way you decide and creating more harmony around you. The total lack of harmony within you is now apparent in all the disharmony around you and the dysfunction in the relationships others have with you. Keep moving towards more peace.

    so you are suggesting the path of least resistance and whats in his comfort zone vs ripping the bandaid off
    No, I'm suggesting that he come to his own conclusions about what's best for him. We cannot force others to see things our way and looking down on someone when that person is in the midst of a difficult decision might not help anyone but ourselves and our own self-expression of what we think is right. It's really about what he thinks is right for himself. I think everyone deserves the right to make that decision for his/her greater good and allowing someone to come to that decision on their own peacefully is critical in taking ownership for one's actions. Given also the context and that this is an online forum and you or I are as far removed from his personal situation as the next Joe, it serves no purpose to judge what's the path of least resistance or what this person's comfort zone is. He'll figure it out on his own.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Op: I suspect if you were healthy enough to figure it out on your own, you wouldn't need a forum to help you make a decision.

    Personally, I agree with Reinventmyself in post No. 26 in that I find it rather interesting that you stuck around for all the turmoil and were quite fine doing so until you THINK you found someone to replace her... her being your wife and mother of your children(s).

    I highly recommend you do what Jim says in post No. 25 and to help you with all of that, you get yourself into personal therapy to help you to finally bury those inner demons you've been carrying around with you. At the very least, before you make a decision that you THINK is for the greater good of yourself that you get that therapy to help you make sure what the greater good for you actually is.

    Stolen moments together with this chicka at work wherein life doesn't get in your way, is a piss poor way to judge what is good and what is simply a reprieve from the stresses of life and responsibility.

  10. #29
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    Honestly, what's done is done. You can't go back in time and un-cheat, is what I mean. You fell for this other woman, and whether she's worth it or not, or even if it's meaningful love or not, you describe this as a horrible situation so it's bad enough that you're actually contemplating on what to do. I'm glad you at least feel enough "guilt" or whatever that you're here at least asking for advice. You're not a monster for this, things happen. I'm not saying what you did is fine, but you already know that. My own parents' relationship was somewhat like this. My dad left while she was pregnant, but he was also abusive and psychotic so it's different. However, think about it, would you want to be with someone who's messing around and falling for someone else? Who the heck wants that? You know? So, I would wait for your child to be born and not burden your wife during this period. But afterwards, as soon as possible, I would end things with her. I'm sure you will always have love in your heart for your wife. But, I'm also sure that deep down in your heart, you know this is no longer the woman you're in love with. You have to face it. If you didn't have any kids involved in this or marriage, you know you'd want to get out of this situation.

    My mom went on to get married to my stepdad, and though he's not the greatest, he's miles better than what would have been had my actual dad stayed with my mother and continued like that. So I can promise you that while your kids might not respect your actions/the cheating, they'll be better off than to deal with all this in their faces when they're older. It's better to leave while you can and be happy, rather than to stay and make this a lot harder for yourself and everyone else in the long run, too. Again, it's not cool what you did but, you're here okay. You're in this mess and you can either continue the pain (for yourself) and the betrayal (towards your wife) and the charade of a show (for your kids, pretending that everything is fine) until you die, or, you can save yourself a disaster and get out now. You'd be doing your wife a favour by letting her find someone who feels about her the way you feel for this other woman, and the sooner, the faster she can heal and move on. You can always be a father to your kids whether you're married to their mom or not. Being their dad is basically irrelevant to whether you stay with your wife or not.

    This is all my own opinion though, of course. It's your life, but I truly believe this is the right thing to do. If you stay with her, you'd have to make yourself fall in love with her again and forget the other woman, and unfortunately, being in love doesn't really work like that. You're either in or you're not, you don't exactly decide. I hope any of this helps you. My stepdad does cheat by the way, but he's not abusive like my real dad. I've spent many years watching my mom cry after finding out, time after time. Please, just save you wife the pain, and save yourself the pain, too. You have no idea how many times I wish my mom or stepdad would just leave each other, but no, they're "together for the kids" they have together. This is all coming from a good place on my end, though. I really believe leaving is the best gift you could give her at this point, as well as yourself and your kids, rather than drag them along in this mess any further. If you really don't want to hurt her a lot (though it'll hurt regardless), you can just focus on your feelings having faded on everything that went wrong in your relationship so far and just not mention the other woman.

    Also, one thing I've basically learned over time is if someone asks a question like this about their life, they usually have the answer in their mind but aren't ready to accept it, so they ask away, hoping for reassurance. This is your reassurance. You'll be fine, but if you keep this up, you'll end up torturing your mind and living the biggest lie in front of your wife and kids everyday for the rest of your life. You can do yourself the biggest favour though by freeing yourself, and everyone else too.

    In the end, it's your choice, but that's what I have to say. Best of luck to you!

  11. #30
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    or, you can save yourself a disaster and get out now.
    IMO if you do that because you THINK you love some other woman that you've not spend one moment of real life with, then you will be potentially making a huge ball of chit for a lot of people in your life including yourself.

    If you leave then leave because you don't want to be married to the mother of your children any longer but do not hook up with someone who has helped you to cheat. Give up both women and see how you feel without either of your crutches.

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