Jump to content

Pregnant Wife vs. Woman I've Fallen For


shakamoto

Recommended Posts

So I've got myself into a pretty horrible situation.

 

I've been with my wife for 12.5 years (married for 5 next month) since I was 19 and she was 20. We were friends for a while and then our relationship grew and moved quite quickly into being a couple. We spent pretty much every night together from the start, formally moved in together after 1.5 years when we moved to the same city for work and have been together since. In general it has been a happy but turbulent relationship - we've had our ups and downs with depression, co-dependency, lots of arguing over large and small stuff. At times I've felt she's controlling and abusive (mentally and less frequently physically), and that has only exacerbated in recent years since we moved away from our friends to be closer to her hometown and had our first child. Last November we decided to have another child and she's now towards the later stages of pregnancy, so obviously there have been a lot of emotions and stress since then.

 

Since then I've met someone else at work. The feelings were pretty immediate on both sides (although that wasn't discovered until recently). She's married with a child as well, neither of us has felt like this before (both in terms of strength of feelings and in feeling them while in a relationship with someone else) and the connection was strong from the start. We share the same interests, sense of humour, opinions - its a cliche but its very much a "finish each others sentence" kind of thing. There's also a strong mutual attraction (something which, if I'm honest, not a lot of people have felt for me in the past - especially someone who I consider to be so beautiful)

 

At first we were just close at work, but subsequently we began messaging more and more outside of work especially when my marital issues became more clear and in turn so did hers. It got to the stage where we were pretty much in constant communication when we were apart. About three weeks ago my wife and I had a huge fight (she discovered I'd been hiding that I'd been drinking from her, a massive bone of contention in our relationship as I've often drunk heavily to cope with difficult times in the past) and she told me she wanted me out. The other girl was supportive, despite all her instincts to support the woman and not let her feelings cloud things.

 

I left the following weekend after a week of arguing and tension to stay at a friends. I returned the following day to see my child and when going to leave got into another blazing row about how I wasn't fighting for the relationship (I'll be honest, a cowardly part of me was looking for an easy way out at the time). After a few hours I returned to talk about things and it became clear that my wife didn't want me to leave, was just angry and wanted to work on things. In the mean time myself and the other girl had revealed our feelings for each other despite knowing that we couldn't act on them.

 

A temporary resolution was put in place with my wife but I grew ever closer to the other girl, still messaging but now knowing our feelings for each other they became more intense and delved deeper into our mutual feelings of love. Despite all this we agreed I had to focus on my family and most importantly my children, and whatever would be would be in the long term. It all came to a head when I mentioned in passing that I'd been swapping messages about an upcoming business trip with the girl (my wife has noticed I'd been on my phone a lot and I'd been trying to throw her off the scent by claiming the messages were to other people but wanted to cover myself by saying who I'd been messaging in this instance as they were innocuous messages). When my wife asked to see the messages and I wouldn't show her the full chat she knew something was up and was understandably devastated. She looked at the messages in all of their gruesome detail - criticisms of her, criticisms of the girls husband, talk about a future together, declarations of love - harrowing stuff for anyone to read when written by someone they thought loved them

 

In spite of this my wife wants to make things work. She says she still loves me and while at times she's incredibly hurt and angry about everything she doesn't want her children to not have a father around all the time (my wife didn't have her father around a lot during childhood so has strong opinions on the matter, even though I know I would always do anything for my children in any situation). All of our family know, as do some of our friends and colleagues. Everyone has different thoughts and feelings on the matter; she should leave me for the betrayal, I should leave her if I love someone else, we should stay together and try to make things work for the kids and try to get back the love we had, that my feelings for the other girl are borne out of unhappiness and are probably infatuation rather than love. The other girl, in all of this, has cut off all communication outside of work but says she still feels the same way and just wants me to work out what's best for my family - she feels incredibly guilty about breaking up a family and despite making plans for her own relationship doesn't want to factor me into them or for me to factor them into mine.

 

So I don't know what I should do. I do love my wife, and my children are the most important thing in the world for me - the thought of them not thinking of me as a proper Dad breaks my heart, as does the thought of not being around for the birth of my second son or key relationship building moments. At the same time I truly feel that I am in love with the other girl; it feels like a bond that has just clicked, she fills my every thought (or at least did before everything kicked off and I've had to focus on the bigger picture) and while we are yet to do anything physical outside of kissing/hugging/hand holding (we're not 12, honestly) we'd made plans for it to happen and were eagerly awaiting the moment it could happen. The idea of not having her in my life kills me and it feels like if nothing happens I'd live a life of regret. She had said that she would wait until we were in a position down the line to make difficult decisions, but I know how circumstances/feelings change and how hard it would be to live a lie for an extended period of time and be with my wife (I've even been told to not be completely honest about my feelings with my wife in order to salvage the marriage, but she sees right through me).

 

Any advice on what I should do would be truly appreciated. I do think my wife and I could get back to a happier place with a lot of work (our relationship has lacked kindness and intimacy for a long time but my wife had certainly been doing her utmost to change this after our big fight, while admittedly my mind was elsewhere). At the same time I know if I pursue this new relationship there's a chance down the line it doesn't work and I lose everything - both women, my home, the chance to see my children grow up on a daily basis. Right now I feel like the other girl would make me happier if there was no other factor (kids, families, work etc) but I know that I might be clouded by emotion and the early stages of romance.

 

For what it's worth I feel rotten about it. I don't deserve, nor do I want sympathy. I've betrayed the trust of those close to me and even though my wife might forgive me I know that it has changed my relationship with not just her but our families and, eventually, my sons forever. Neither myself nor the other girl were looking for this, or had done anything similar in the past, but it just happened. I know ultimately I have to make a decision but I feel pretty lost and uncertain at the moment and am getting mixed messages from everyone.

Link to comment
If drinking and cheating is always something or someone else's fault, you can convince yourself that it's ok.

 

I'm well aware that it's my own fault and that regardless of the situation those things were my choice. I'm not trying to excuse those things, just get help for the situation I find myself in

Link to comment

I’ve been involved with a MM {married man} myself...and it definitely made me feel full of guilt. We did not end up together but in hindsight I’m glad.

I think the fact that your wife already knows about this other woman and still wants to make your marriage work says volumes about her. She is also going to have another child. All married couples argue and fight. If this other person wasn’t involved this wouldlikely be a non issue....the fact that she’s there and showing you attention, in some way makes your marriage less salvageable. You haven’t even been on a date with her or seen her in a bad mood.....so it’s easy to want the good parts of someone else.

 

My advice is to end all contact with this other woman and give your marriage 100% of your energy. Yes, it may be hard..at first, but you owe it to yourself and your family. Don’t “see how it goes”...you need to commit to it. As long as you have an “out” it won’t work. If this isn’t something you’re 100% committed to, then leave ....but NOT for someone else.

Link to comment

One thing I would just like to ask you to really consider as to whether this girl is the "shiny new thing". You've been in a serious relationship basically almost half your life, since you were a teenager. Maybe you hadn't explored being with different women and didn't experiment and party when you were younger. That's understandable. I mean, I don't know what you truly have with this woman of course, but could there be a possibility that it's just a crush?

 

I think things with your wife have probably gotten a little stale, especially since having a child and another on the way. That is normal though that after 12 years and the responsibility of a child, that now it's not all rainbows and butterflies and can be hard work. You may be projecting onto the new woman because she's new and exciting. That's how it always is at the start when you have a crush. I think having lust or a crush is not the same as being in love though.

 

You've been with your wife so long and for 7 years before you even got married or had kids. So obviously there were good things about her and things you loved because you chose to be in the relationship all these years. The new woman may seem more amazing because she's just that - new. I'm not talking about the fact that you cheated or what not but I'm just urging you to think about what is really at stake here.

 

You have not been in a relationship with this woman really, you haven't known her that long. You really have no idea as to whether it would even work out. Your situation is in a sense a bit artificial. You are both bored with your marriage and having issues and you clicked, so you turned to each other for comfort. Had you met on online dating or in some other environment and were both single, who knows if that woman would have still been into you. And really you don't know if she will even leave her husband or whether she'll go back to him later.

 

Look you really might be in love but you also might just be living in fantasy land. If you really can't picture yourself being with your wife then sure you can end the marriage. We will always be tempted in life though and the whole point of a marriage is you say "no" to those temptations. Otherwise what is the point to marry and start a family if that marriage doesn't mean anything.

Link to comment
Since you put yourself there the best way to deal with it is to get yourself out by getting help for drinking and deciding whether you want an affair or a decent marriage or a divorce.

 

I don't consider myself an alcoholic, whether that's right or wrong. I have used it as a crutch in the past, and always known its wrong, but I'm not dependent on drink. I know I don't want an affair, I just don't know about the other two

 

Do you want to be able to keep them both?

 

No of course not. I'm not going to lie and say before everything came out in my life I wasn't happy to "have my cake and eat it too" but I know it isn't feasible and can't happen long term. With that said I don't want to lose relationships with them both, be that as friends or colleagues or parents, whatever situation emerges from this

 

I’ve been involved with a MM {married man} myself...and it definitely made me feel full of guilt. We did not end up together but in hindsight I’m glad.

I think the fact that your wife already knows about this other woman and still wants to make your marriage work says volumes about her. She is also going to have another child. All married couples argue and fight. If this other person wasn’t involved this wouldlikely be a non issue....the fact that she’s there and showing you attention, in some way makes your marriage less salvageable. You haven’t even been on a date with her or seen her in a bad mood.....so it’s easy to want the good parts of someone else.

 

My advice is to end all contact with this other woman and give your marriage 100% of your energy. Yes, it may be hard..at first, but you owe it to yourself and your family. Don’t “see how it goes”...you need to commit to it. As long as you have an “out” it won’t work. If this isn’t something you’re 100% committed to, then leave ....but NOT for someone else.

 

Thanks for your advice. Its easier said than done because we work together but she is certainly capable of separating personal and professional and I'm doing my best. I have seen her in a bad mood (this kind of situation has brought turbulence out in us all) and while we haven't been on a formal "date" we have been for drinks, walks etc together and been open about our feelings. To be fair she is keen to end all non-work related contact to help me work through things and I know if I am going to make it work I need to commit to that for all involved. And I also know that if I choose to leave it can't be for some idealised life, it needs to be for me

 

One thing I would just like to ask you to really consider as to whether this girl is the "shiny new thing". You've been in a serious relationship basically almost half your life, since you were a teenager. Maybe you hadn't explored being with different women and didn't experiment and party when you were younger. That's understandable. I mean, I don't know what you truly have with this woman of course, but could there be a possibility that it's just a crush?

 

I think things with your wife have probably gotten a little stale, especially since having a child and another on the way. That is normal though that after 12 years and the responsibility of a child, that now it's not all rainbows and butterflies and can be hard work. You may be projecting onto the new woman because she's new and exciting. That's how it always is at the start when you have a crush. I think having lust or a crush is not the same as being in love though.

 

You've been with your wife so long and for 7 years before you even got married or had kids. So obviously there were good things about her and things you loved because you chose to be in the relationship all these years. The new woman may seem more amazing because she's just that - new. I'm not talking about the fact that you cheated or what not but I'm just urging you to think about what is really at stake here.

 

You have not been in a relationship with this woman really, you haven't known her that long. You really have no idea as to whether it would even work out. Your situation is in a sense a bit artificial. You are both bored with your marriage and having issues and you clicked, so you turned to each other for comfort. Had you met on online dating or in some other environment and were both single, who knows if that woman would have still been into you. And really you don't know if she will even leave her husband or whether she'll go back to him later.

 

Look you really might be in love but you also might just be living in fantasy land. If you really can't picture yourself being with your wife then sure you can end the marriage. We will always be tempted in life though and the whole point of a marriage is you say "no" to those temptations. Otherwise what is the point to marry and start a family if that marriage doesn't mean anything.

 

I really don't think it's a "new and shiny" situation but I respect your point. I partied plenty in my (relative) youth but didn't have much in the way of sexual experiences. I've also had plenty of crushes in the past and not acted on them because there hasn't been a deep, intense feeling connected. And I've always been willing to tackle the hard work - I like to think I'm a great, caring Dad and I do everything I can at home (all the DIY, most of the cooking and cleaning) but I can get how that also leads me to feel bored and alone

 

I do appreciate all the advice and insight, thank you all

Link to comment

The days of 50 year marriages no longer work in this day and age.

 

People don't know how to make a marriage work or how to keep their eyes on their partner.

 

I am truly amazed sometimes the stories I read on here and how low people allow themselves to get.

 

You don't even think of your child or unborn child or your wife...you are hurting all these people and helping to damage them and destroy bits of their life.

 

You are thinking with your nether regions only and I sincerely feel sorry for your wife. She should have never wasted her time on you.

Link to comment
The days of 50 year marriages no longer work in this day and age.

 

People don't know how to make a marriage work or how to keep their eyes on their partner.

 

I am truly amazed sometimes the stories I read on here and how low people allow themselves to get.

 

You don't even think of your child or unborn child or your wife...you are hurting all these people and helping to damage them and destroy bits of their life.

 

You are thinking with your nether regions only and I sincerely feel sorry for your wife. She should have never wasted her time on you.

 

You're a star SherrySher. Thanks for your balanced, deep insight. The reality is I've purely thought with my penis and nothing else. Thanks for the clarity you've given me, I'm off to become a priest.

Link to comment
I agree people don’t take relationships serious at all these days.its really sad.

 

And for advice. Never leave the one you love for the one you like. You like this other woman but you love your wife. Keep fighting for your marriage

 

Thanks Lola, that's actually constructive advice. It isn't an easy situation and I hate that I've got myself into it, but I do want to do what is right by my children whatever that takes

Link to comment

I am telling you what you need to hear. Advice my butt!... it's simple, be a decent man and stop thinking with your penis.

 

You've got 3 lives there that you are responsible for. It does not allow for you to start crushing on some home wrecker at work...and yes, she's a home wrecker.

 

If she doesn't give a damn about her marriage, she should at least give a damn about destroying your children's lives.

 

The pair of you are incredibly selfish.

 

This isn't about getting it on with one another..it's about being a adult and being responsible for the choices YOU made.

 

You chose to marry your wife, you chose to get her pregnant...be a man and stand behind your choices!!

 

Or you can go and do more damage to innocent people due to being selfish.

Link to comment

“she discovered I'd been hiding that I'd been drinking from her, a massive bone of contention in our relationship as I've often drunk heavily to cope with difficult times in the past) and she told me she wanted me out. The other girl was supportive”

 

The other girl was “supportive”

Of course she was. Because she IS the other girl.

She won’t be so supportive when she is in your wife’s shoes.

She is not a shiny new thing to you.

You are a shiny new thing to her.

 

Just because she doesn’t give a crap about your life or wife , doesn’t mean you shouldn’t?

Link to comment
You're a star SherrySher.

 

I'm a star? Cause dude, you're not coming off too shiny yourself. A pregnant wife for goodness sake..how is this even a consideration?

 

It's called being responsible for the choices you've made.

 

Does marriage get hard? Yes. Does it get mundane at times, yes. But it's like that for everyone. It does not mean you start crushing on someone else or start wondering what you're missing out on.

 

It means you work at making things work with your wife. Go on dates, rekindle the romance, get a baby sitter so you can have time alone...do what you have to do to make ONE woman happy in your life.

 

No, it's not easy to do..it's much easier to start chasing other women. But the men who can pull off 40-50+ year marriages truly do know what it takes to be a man, which involves finding a million different ways to make ONE woman happy, not to try and be happy with a million different women, or even more than one for that matter.

 

This is your wife, the woman who dedicated her life to you. She has been a faithful wife.

These are your children...your flesh and blood, who deserve a mom and dad...a family, happy under one roof.

 

You don't just run out because someone else might look good.

Link to comment

I am not here to judge you but just trying to offer a perspective. The saying "a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush" exists for a reason. If you had known this other woman a long time or had dated her previously and knew what it was like to date her (and knew HER well) then I would say yeah you have a better picture of whom to choose.

 

It doesn't sound to me like you've known this woman for a particularly long time. She is a new colleague and she came into the job unhappy with her own marriage. She was probably looking to flirt with someone and get some attention and validation on a subconscious level. It was you that reciprocated and hey presto, that's how this all came about.

 

If you had met under other circumstances and you were both single, I think there would be a higher chance this woman's interest in you would be more genuine. She may just be looking for an excuse to end her marriage and you are it.

 

All I'm saying is the things you've said about your wife weren't even that bad? Unless I missed something? Doesn't sound like they could have been that bad either because you were with her for seven years, chose to get married, then chose to have kids. If she was so terrible then why did you continue?

 

It's very easy to develop infatuations when you meet new people because they're new. Maybe your other crushes didn't go anywhere because they just weren't reciprocated. You want to think this is really special but it might not be. There are always many other people out there we could like, find attractive, etc. When you choose to marry and have kids and you are not polyamorous, you make a choice to commit. You have made that choice so that does mean you can't just do whatever you want. And to keep in mind that you also seemingly WANTED to make that choice. I think you should examine why you've been with your wife all this time and what made you keep going with the relationship.

 

You have no history with this other woman really and you don't know if it'll even work out. At this point your wife forgives you but if you completely leave her then maybe she won't take you back. Throwing away a partner of 12 years and two kids over a new fling just seems like a poor choice. But that's just me.

Link to comment

Just to add also, I understand drinking alcohol to deal with things because I can sometimes do it too. But you have to see that now you have a small child and another baby on the way, so if you get off your face, you can't be there for your family. And it's not a good example for your children. So to be honest it does make sense why your wife is upset about this because you just can't do that when you're a Dad.

Link to comment

Things happen. Your wife knows what happened and wants to make the marriage work, so you need to ask yourself what you really want. Everyone on here will tell you what you already know, so really, it's just a matter of what you want. The likelihood of something working out with this other woman is slim to none, and I think you know that. You dated, married and had children with your wife for a reason. Has that reason changed? What are your priorities now?

 

Maybe you can try an old-fashioned "pro and con" list about each woman to give yourself better perspective. Be honest with yourself about each.

Link to comment

Maybe you can try an old-fashioned "pro and con" list about each woman to give yourself better perspective. Be honest with yourself about each.

 

He needs to dump the side woman. Then he needs to go to marriage counseling and he and his wife need to work on their marriage on whether its a go or no go.

If he leaves his wife for the other woman he will quickly realizes she is not all she is cracked up to be once he sees her in the day to day.

It should not be a "comparing two women against eachother and choosing one"/

 

Either way, he will be involved with the wife for years because of the kids. He can't erase her. Might as well actually try to give his marriage a go before leaving

Link to comment
He needs to dump the side woman. Then he needs to go to marriage counseling and he and his wife need to work on their marriage on whether its a go or no go.

If he leaves his wife for the other woman he will quickly realizes she is not all she is cracked up to be once he sees her in the day to day.

It should not be a "comparing two women against eachother and choosing one"/

 

Either way, he will be involved with the wife for years because of the kids. He can't erase her. Might as well actually try to give his marriage a go before leaving

 

Agreed - but he's already made choices that puts him in a situation where he's wondering which choice to choose. Nother we all say will matter. So I suggested something practical that he might actually do to make it clearer to him.

Link to comment

To the OP - you don't state for how long you've been emotionally involved with the other woman, but it sounds as though you're still experiencing the honeymoon stage of the relationship - certainly, the way you describe the sense of connection in almost mystical terms, unlike anything you've ever experienced before... all that.

 

This doesn't last, even in relationships with no external complications.

 

Once this phase is over, the rosy-tinted spectacles fall away, the hormone-fuelled passion calms down - and that's when you start the relationship proper. In the situation you have at the moment, that can't happen. The thrill of stolen moments and the drama will all be adding to what is, essentially, an illusion. You don't actually know this girl in a meaningful way - i.e. the ups and downs and boring mundanity of everyday life - but those are the things which make the difference between a genuinely long-lasting relationship, and one which will crash and burn very quickly.

 

The other girl is staying away from you outside work. Use this time to devote yourself 100% to your marriage, be there for your wife, share the delight in your new son and generally appreciate everything you've built up over the last 12 years. If it doesn't work out, then you can come to some arrangement secure in the knowledge that you've given it everything you have. It would be a monumental tragedy if you were to end your marriage and be with the other woman in a relationship which ends quickly because it is, at root, a fantasy.

Link to comment

I wonder how "connected " that other woman will feel to you when you're living in a crappy one bedroom apartment and feeling lousy because your wife cited adultery in your divorce and you only see your kids for 48 hours every two weeks.

 

Is this other woman worth all that?

Link to comment

the best thing to do when you're in such a huge, self-imposed trainwreck, is to stop thinking about yourself. Look to saving the innocent from destruction.

 

As others have said.

 

1. Drop the side chick, that is a crutch to soothe yourself as much as the booze is.

2. stop drinking--period. your logic is gone.

3. Protect your children from your destructive behavior.

4. Step up your game with your wife during her pregnancy. Jeez, be unselfish, completely, right now whether or not you two are fighting or ending the relationship.

 

5. get into individual counseling to combat your worst impulses that you seem to be wallowing in right now.

 

6. Punt down the road talk of divorce or abandoning your responsibilities.

 

7. As you dump the side chick, do NOT get ANOTHER one.

Link to comment

In general it has been a happy but turbulent relationship - we've had our ups and downs with depression, co-dependency, lots of arguing over large and small stuff. At times I've felt she's controlling and abusive (mentally and less frequently physically), and that has only exacerbated in recent years since we moved away from our friends to be closer to her hometown and had our first child. Last November we decided to have another child and she's now towards the later stages of pregnancy, so obviously there have been a lot of emotions and stress since then.

I always find it interesting that people can recount the list of problems within their marriage, then it only becomes a real problem and one worth leaving - when they've met someone else.

 

Apparently the problems weren't bad enough to address them in the moment, but then become an excuse to have an affair, after the fact.

 

Maybe I missed it. But what did the two of you do to address the issues of control, abuse, depression, alcohol and codependency while simultaneously deciding to bring more children into this? You might have some understanding if you were able to address how hard either of you tried to fix any of it, but I don't see that.

Link to comment

I can understand if you've made up your mind either way despite the previous indiscretions but that you don't know which path is best for you suggests to me that you are deeply lost and no one can really give you the answers you seek.

 

In that respect, this thread is really for you to share your thoughts and vent and it should serve as a safe space for you to voice your thoughts. The answer that you seek is something that you need to decide on your own.

 

Regardless of whether you stay in a marriage or enter the world as a single (separated/divorced) man, you still should recognize that there's a lot more to grow and rebuild in your life. When we leave relationships especially ones with children, there is a lot of rebuilding. A new relationship may not be your solution or ticket to happiness especially if your biggest concern is your children. Start clarifying what means most to you.

 

Start moving in the direction of peace whichever way you decide and creating more harmony around you. The total lack of harmony within you is now apparent in all the disharmony around you and the dysfunction in the relationships others have with you. Keep moving towards more peace.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...