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Thread: Should I try to get her back?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2015

    Should I try to get her back?

    The mother of my 2yr old son and I met over 10 yrs ago. We started seeing each other when she was 18. I was 23 and it never turned into anything serious but we stayed and contact and every few years would spark another fling, usually she would want to make it serious and I wouldn't commit.

    She dated a guy and got married few years later and quickly got divorced in less than a year after that.. I was fresh out of relationship and she contacted me while she was separated but the divorce wasn't finalized.. We finally decided to try to make things work between us and 2 months later she was pregnant. She has previously told me she had the implant and after she was pregnant informed me that she actually wasn't on birth control at all and eventually told me down the line that she did want to have a baby with me. The mistrust began there. During the pregnancy we were on and off because I wasn't sure I wanted to be with someone who would do this. Her ex husband found out she was pregnant and while we were on the rocks he contacted me and let me know that she was attempting to get him back and talked about him raising my child.

    After my son was born the natural feeling of wanting to provide and make a happy family took over me and even though it wasn't planned my son gave me a happiness I never knew exsited. I decided to try to make things work with her again at least so I could say I tried for my son at the very least. I never really felt that compatable with her and we would but heads often. The next 2.5 years we tried to be together but broke up several times, usually we both just got lazy and gave up and would be very distant to the point of being miserable together.

    Always during these break ups it would be a month or so of very little contact unless it involved our son, we both even dated other people for a bit. We would miss each other and eventually reunite but it would turn into the same situation again. 7 months ago we were split up and started to reunite until I caught her talking to 3 other guys and had been basically dating one of them all while trying to work things out with me and saying she wanted to be with me and have another baby. All my insecurities took over and I took her back and said I would try my best to trust her and we would both give it 100% and make it work this time because we do love each other and the thought of other men with her made me realize how much I didn't want to lose my family.

    We had planned to move back in together after about two months of much better relationship or so I thought because about a week before I was supposed to move in I caught her talking to another man again. She claims to have never had sex with any of the men she talked to it was only texts and I believe her for the most part as she let me read alot of the messages. Her reasons for talking to other guys were basically that I didn't give her enough attention and she was depressed. I could have definetly tried harder to make her happy but I was also dealing with depression and stress as I wasnt over the initial times I caught her and made me always wonder if I should be with someone who has caused me so much pain through the years.

    I walked away after this was the 3rd time I had found out she was speaking to other men behind my back not to mention the child support she filed against me when at the time I was caring for him 80% of the time. I had enough and felt like we could never be happy together and I would never trust her.

    That was 4 months ago. We barely spoke but she attempted to get me back several times and I denied her. We did have 1 hookup after we had a little to much to drink 2 months ago and I told her it did not mean we were getting back together this time as I could never open up to her again after she has hurt me so much.

    I found out she is now in a serious relationship through a Facebook post a friend informed me about for the past 2 months or so and that this guy has been around my child often. We had an agreement that we would at least introduce the new parter to the other before our son. She broke that agreement but I finally got to meet him last week. When I found out she was in a serious relationship enough to want him to meet my son i felt like I was replaced and crushed me. Me and my son have an amazing relationship and I get him 3.5 days a week but I can't help but feel like I'm excluded from his new family.

    After days and days of self reflection I've came to the realization that I never really treated her as good as I should have as it seemed like I was always wondering if I was trapped or could do better. Now I've lost my family and feel like I have nothing. Yes she has done awful things but I wasn't the best to her either. I know at the bottom of my heart I love her and she has always told me she knows I'm the one no matter what and has loved me since she was 18. She seems happy with the new guy but a part of me just wants to tell her I have realized how wrong I was all along blaming her for all of our relationship problems and not taking responsibility for how I didn't appreciate her. I love her and want to be with her.

    Should I tell her this is how I feel and maybe have a chance at getting my family back before it's too late? Or am I just reacting to the situation and just need to find a way to move on? At this point both options seem impossible. I fear if I do tell her I want her back it could cause problems with the new bf and our co parenting relationship if she doesn't feel the same about me anymore. I'm lost. Please offer any advice if you took the time to read this and I'd greatly appreciate it.

    TL;DR The mother of my child is dating and I want to reconilce with her. Should I try to tell her this or move on?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    No you should not try to reconcile with the mother.
    You guys simply have a physical attraction but you donít work.

    She is not in a serious relationship she started dating him 60 days ago and clearly is an irresponsible mother to introduce her child to a random guy.
    The best you can hope for is that he actually stays with the mother of your child so that no other men are randomly introduced.
    And the best you can do for your child is be a responsible father and not introduce any female to him until you are actually in a serious relationship (at least one year in)

    Have you had paternity testing done? Iíd advise you to.
    She was not on birth control and within 8 weeks of seeing you was pregnant. By any chance was the child born prematurely?

    Have you ever actually committed to a partner before?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    I donít think you guys are a good match...at all. Youíve both behaved badly...and immaturely. Let it go. Try to be a decent guy and a good father to your son. Not everyone with children are meant to be together. Sometimes that happens. As long as your son knows you are there and that he is loved....AND that his dad is a good person to his mother...is the most important and best thing you can do.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    I'm concerned that you're reacting to feelings of jealousy and insecurity rather than feelings of deep love for the mother of your child. There's a difference there that you should try to spend some time thinking about because it seems like your feelings of love originate from the misgivings in seeing her and your son with another man in the picture.

    I am not saying this to discourage you but to prompt more soul-searching into where your sudden feelings of love are coming from. It's natural to feel misgivings towards lost opportunities. I'm not certain if you're insecure about yourself in general and your identity as a father as well. You should realize that you are still a father to your son regardless of whom his mother dates or is with. That isn't taken away from you. The only person that can take that away is you if you choose not to be there for your son. Try and visit the idea and identity of what it means to be a father to your child.

    These are just my thoughts but I feel this (your identity as a father and being there for your son) is where a lot of your pain is coming from. You are also an individual before being a father, before being a partner/husband/spouse to anyone. Your life should be whole and complete in and of itself before the identity of being a father comes into play. If you're feeling inadequate in other areas of your life this can affect the way you view your relationships with others.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Are you still with the pregnant woman? Are you going for the paternity test?
    Originally Posted by BrandonMajors
    I just don't think I want to be with her.. also I am worried that if I am not with her it will be very difficult to find someone that is right for me, I am now 28 with a baby on the way.

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