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Thread: Girlfriend met her colleague outside office on coffee without my knowledge.

  1. #1
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    Girlfriend met her colleague outside office on coffee without my knowledge.

    We are together for more than 2.5 years now. It's a long distance relationship. I've never cheated on her.

    The first year of our relationship went really well. Then I got to see through things.

    There have been a lot of fights between me and her because of her casual behavior towards this relationship. She kept looking back at her ex who also had cheated on her. I gave my everything in this relationship, and she just doesn't seem to care.

    We fought a lot over her looking back at ex, and other things that she took and still takes casually in life. I asked her to promise me not to do that again.

    This is probably the 5th time she has broken my promise of not hiding anything and met another guy in person. She didn't even tell me about that. That goddamn fellow is her colleague and for her it's still as normal as "he is just my colleague".

    She now brings up things like I fight a lot, even on small things, but she doesn't talk a thing about her meeting with that guy who is her coworker. I found that out accidentally, they met outside, sitting right beside each other, very comfortable and merry.

    It burnt everything in me. Everything.

    I take the that I fought a lot over her past and her ty actions. She kept looking back at past and also kept asking me not to think of her past then, as it doesn't really matter. If it doesn't matter then why in the first place she was searching like crazy for her ex on social media. When I ask why she was doing that, she has nothing to talk about but just that I fight over everything, repeat everything, blame her, assault her.

    She still keeps secrets even from the present. I don't understand this parallel privacy a girlfriend has to maintain with her boyfriend.

    Is cheating the answer to fights which happened mostly because of her ty actions? I'm clueless.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I don't see how meeting outside with her colleague, being merry and comfortable is such a great offense.

    Both of you argue and fight a lot which is abnormal, toxic and dysfunctional. It's not the way to be. You're both the opposite of harmony, stability, compatibility and peace.

    Perhaps both of you should go your separate ways.

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    I think this relationship is virtually over, OP.

    You want a different level of dedication and commitment than she is prepared to offer. You keep asking her not to do certain things, and she keeps doing them. She knows that she doesn't intend to keep such promises, and you continue to stick around even after those promises are broken. It's not necessarily that either of you is right or wrong in your expectations, but at some point, you have to stop trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. This isn't working and you don't seem right for each other.

    But - I am curious how you know they were even sitting close together and "being merry" if you two are long-distance? How did you find out she'd met up with him? What does she mean when she says you assault her?

    A big part of me wonders if she keeps things from you because she knows you are insecure and will freak out if you learn she's friends with a guy. Maybe she is hiding things because she's doing things she shouldn't be doing, or maybe she is trying to avoid upsetting you and going about it all wrong. I also don't see how having coffee with a coworker is a huge problem, but evidently, you don't trust her whatsoever. Where there is no trust, there is no relationship.

    And no, cheating on her is not the answer. Breaking up is.

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I think this relationship is virtually over, OP.

    You want a different level of dedication and commitment than she is prepared to offer. You keep asking her not to do certain things, and she keeps doing them. She knows that she doesn't intend to keep such promises, and you continue to stick around even after those promises are broken. It's not necessarily that either of you is right or wrong in your expectations, but at some point, you have to stop trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. This isn't working and you don't seem right for each other.

    But - I am curious how you know they were even sitting close together and "being merry" if you two are long-distance? How did you find out she'd met up with him? What does she mean when she says you assault her?

    A big part of me wonders if she keeps things from you because she knows you are insecure and will freak out if you learn she's friends with a guy. Maybe she is hiding things because she's doing things she shouldn't be doing, or maybe she is trying to avoid upsetting you and going about it all wrong. I also don't see how having coffee with a coworker is a huge problem, but evidently, you don't trust her whatsoever. Where there is no trust, there is no relationship.

    And no, cheating on her is not the answer. Breaking up is.
    Hello MissCanuck

    Thanks a bunch for taking time to write this for me.

    She wasn't able to reset her google account password, which I did for her. Then I checked her Google photos and found out the pics she clicked with that guy.

    When I saw it first, I found it not right. Asked other people about the same, they reverted with "it's bad going out with the other guy when you are into something with a guy", even the people from west find that odd.

    I've never hit her, but still, I'm became a person who tortures and assaults her. Now she sounds like every bad thing a female does can be justified.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I don't see how meeting outside with her colleague, being merry and comfortable is such a great offense.

    Both of you argue and fight a lot which is abnormal, toxic and dysfunctional. It's not the way to be. You're both the opposite of harmony, stability, compatibility and peace.

    Perhaps both of you should go your separate ways.
    Hey Cherylyn

    Thanks for your advise. The first feeling I got on finding that out was really bad. I asked many people about the same, they told the same thing that it's not okay to go out with another guy when you are in a relationship.

  7. #6
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    How much time in 2.5 years have you actually spent with her?

  8. #7
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    Just how long-distance are you, OP?

    How often do you meet her in person?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    How much time in 2.5 years have you actually spent with her?
    Hello Billie28

    We live about 2500km away from each other and I pay her 2-3 visits every year and stay with her 7-10 days.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Just how long-distance are you, OP?

    How often do you meet her in person?
    I'm approx 2500km from her right now. We usually meet 2-3 times every year and spend 7-10 days together every time we met. There was a time when we used to stay connected via video call and texts, but for the past one month it feels like either I've not treated her well, or she doesn't give a damn about me.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by spartan99
    Hello Billie28

    We live about 2500km away from each other and I pay her 2-3 visits every year and stay with her 7-10 days.
    Ok so a 3-4 hr flight away?
    And you visit her? Not the other way around?
    So in 2.5 years you have spent maybe 50 days in total in her company?
    The amount of time someone in a local relationship would have spent together in a few months of dating?
    Yet without impacting on daily life just planned “holidays”?

    Why would anyone treat this other than casual?
    And when was the end date of it being long distance?

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